I must say, I too am amazed about your situation. I understand where your wife is coming from with the triggers. I still have the "visions" the most while having sex. I avoid a lot of that by keeping my eyes open and looking at my H. I'm sorry, (I'm not trying to pick on your W, as I feel a sort of kinship with her), but this trigger thing sounds like an excuse to me. The health issues I can see, but not the triggers. It's kinda like when you fall off a horse, you need to get right back on. Well, not exactly, but you know what I mean? The longer this thing has gone unaddressed, the longer and more difficult it is to fix. K, didn't you guys even have the "honeymoon" phase that's so indicative of the early days of recovery after D-Day?

I give you a ton of credit K. I don't think my H would stay 8 yrs. for that, and SF isn't even in his "top 3". He's not your "typical" man in that sense. He can go pretty long with a dry well, but 8 yrs??? I don't get why your W doesn't have the same fear I've had since I cheated...that my H will cheat. I'm doing everything I can to make our home and our bed the only place he wants to be.

If you don't mind me asking...was SF always an issue for your W, before A? I'm curious, because it was for me. I could take it or leave it, and I "left" it a lot. In all reality, my H would've had more reasons to commit adultery than me for heaven's sake!!!

Gosh K, I truly hope this can be worked out for the two of you. You obviously care for and love your wife a great deal. I know you know this is not how God intended it to be though. I so admire and respect your views, and your stick-to-it-ness about marriage.

Also on a side note, and I'm completely serious...I don't think you guys are 40 yet, right? There is hope for her at or around that age. I'm not trying to make light of your situation, but really, a lot of it could be a hormonal thing. It was for me.

I am with the others though, that basically said there really is no excuse, even if she's "not into" it, or whatever. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, and after awhile, it becomes a joy and a pleasure, rather than a chore.

Ok, I'm done shooting from the hip on this one. I know the value you put on professional counseling. I hope you will find the help you each need for this. You both deserve it.

Regards,

~ad

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

All I can again is WOW--becasue I'm with LUV on that was half the problem between H and I--sex isn't #1 on my EN's---It is probably #1 for H if in the top 3--well I know he's gotta have more than just sex in it because he didn't stay with OW and she is definetly probably about the dimmest light bulb in the box so I know he has to have more than sex.

I'm still just amazed--you are a great man.

Ahhh, to delve deep into the mind of my wife...

The most important rule of MB. The policy of joint agreement. "Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between spouses". Never is never---to violate this builds resentment. Not meeting needs also leads to resentment, but there are different mechanisms for dealing with that.

I appreciate all your ladies sympathies. SF is certainly in my top 3 EN's. However, I take marriage very, very seriously---it's not all about me and what I get out of it. I made a promise to my wife to love, cherish, and care for her. I made a vow to raise my children in an intact family. These are the values that drive me and my decisions. Having said that---I'm not some sort of sexual martyr. I still love my wife, we function very well together as friends, parents, and as husband and wife---except for that 8 year old Elephant in the bedroom. We're working on this---even if it seems at times like were on a geological timescale.

If you've never dealt with someone with a sexual adversion---you can't imagine the pain it causes them. You guys can't understand how she could do this and live with herself---part of the issue is that when she's "forced" to deal with this directly, she doesn't want to live with herself. Depression, despair, shame, and the need to flee the marriage are all the classic responses. We've made a couple minor attempts and she goes into a full blown panic attack.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you have to pay for it?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Beats me. I'm an optimist, however. My wife had an affair---and I got a better marriage and a beautiful child out of it. She has a sexual adversion---and I've gotten big, buff forearms out of it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We'll be fine. Let's not threadjack my thread to HappyAgain anymore---I think she has such a terrific story!

<small>[ August 13, 2004, 09:02 PM: Message edited by: K ]</small>

I did not mind the threadjack! This has turned into an interesting exchange of views.

Pepperband, I would also give you a hypothetical answer to your hypothetical question <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> since intimacy was not the problem with me and H -- but it is based on a few things I have learned.

My H went through a medical crisis and was scared to death that he would not be able to have sex. He was sure that would be the end of our marriage and that I would leave him. After some careful thinking, I decided that, even though SF is high up on my list too, the absence would not be sufficient to cause the destruction of my marriage.

K said beautifully what I feel -- there is so much more depth to my relationship with my H than sex. We are best friends, we have shared experiences, children, a rich history... I would prefer to continue our sexual relationship but, if that were not possible, then I would not hesitate one moment to be flexible enough to find alternate pleasures for us to enjoy.

If either spouse has no real problem and just chooses not to be intimate with their spouse -- that is really an unfortunate thing that I think will eventually cause serious problems in the relationship.

For me, and I think most women, sex is an expression of love, passion, togetherness -- for my H it is all of that and more -- it is total acceptance from the person he loves. If a woman continues to refuse intimacy with her H, for no reason at all, I imagine that will alienate the man sooner or later and diminish his feelings of love.

I think that some women can honestly separate sex from the rest of their lives. Women have so many roles, it is easy to get so caught up in housekeeper, mother, bill-payer, teacher, medic (not to mention the sheer exhaustion from juggling so many different roles) and actually forget that 'sex goddess' is also an important role. I've honestly seen that happen with two of my friends.

Relationships are so complicated ... and one size never seems to fit anyone else ...