JT2

anxiously waiting to here an update of what is going on and want you to know that my thoughts are with you. I'm thinking of you and hopefully you install a good PB that will bring your H around.

Hi All,

I have been going through so much since I last talked to you. well it has definately hit the fan. After locking him out the violent rage started just like I thought it would. That's the reason I wanted to go away for the weekend. H was putraged at being locked out of the house. I never wrote him a plan B letter because I have been writing letters and he'll read them and just ignore anything that I said. I have talked until I was blue in the face with no result or even concern for my feelings.

H just wants to do what he wants to do. I am not even sure if he really does love me after all the things he has said about me these last few days. H was upset because he could not get in the house and that he had my stepson this weekend. He honestly thought that I should have continued to allow him to bring him there for his weekends and he leave us every night to go over to OW house where he continues to live. H has called me Fat A$$ and MF, Stupid BYtch, and so much more. He has even left 18 messages on my phone in a day calling me all kinds of names. H said he was trying to work it out for the kids and that was it. He even threaten to do me bodily harm / kick my A$$. He left all these messages on my voicemail.

Is that someone who really loves me. He has done nothing to try to work this marriage out. He told me that he was over there to take care of his responsibilities with OW, all the while leaving his responsibilities at home. H does not even know if he is the father. He just called and called bad mouthing me. He even came by on Sunday after I and the kids had just gotten home and tried to break in the house.

It scared the kids and me. I called the police out of fear. When the police came to the house H was still circling the neighborhood. They stopped him and talked to him about domestic viol;ence/ harassment. Do you know he continued to call and haraas me for the rest of the night. It had me so afraid of what he might do that I had my dad to come over and spend the niight with me and the kids.

I went to court on yesterday morning to get a protective order against him. The judge filed it and we have a hearing on Sept 1. It awarded me temp custody of the kids, the home and possesions. The only thing is he can't come in our home or any place that I may be. He can still see the kids, but through a third party.

I awoke this morning feeling like I had made a mistake, but if I do fear what he might do then did I do anything wrong? Why do I feel bad about this whole thing. He says that he has been trying to work it out - HOW? What has he done other than live two lives and basically tell me to deal with it. I have nothing else to do. His back ground he knows nothing about love and faithfulness, his father did the same thing to his mother only worse, and then he became a product of the state.

I can't change him, but I don't feel as though I have to live like this either. I am tired of hurting and it seems he has no problem telling me how he is going to live. Oh yeah he admitted on my VM that I was the one who pushed him out there to cheat, he says i have made more mistakes in this marriage than he has. He still adimately believes that I am the one at fault here. He takes no responsibility for what he has done. Has he has no plan to talk to me about OW/OC. He has yet to give me any communication about them. He even gets angry and defends her. He left a message saying that he does not care about me I can go and jump in a lake. He has stressed that he doesn't care about me just the kids. I can't live like this any more. Every time I take a stand for mysefl and he loses control of my mind and heart then he retaliates. I have never taken the kids from him I have even continued to let him come over everyday since this whole mess came out.

But all I get is the blame and told that I am not even WORTH IT. I feel as though I am not worth it he has beaten me down long enough. I am tired of letting him walk all over me. There has got to be better than this. I want him I love him, but I can't help him I can't do this alone. He has made no attempt to save this M.

Are you telling me to keep living like this. When he doesn't get his way he resorts to hurting me anyway he can - he says that is what I am doing but I am tired and I was afraid of what would happen. We have had fights before mostly started by me when talking about OW/OC but he is stronger than I and through this whole thing I have never threatened to hurt him or even to cut me off and not pay for anything around here. He doesn't even want to support me which means he doesn't want to support the kids either. If the bills aren't paid how will we survive i can't do it alone, but I can't tolerate whatever he dishes out to me just for the sake of playing happy family either. Because that leaves me with false hope. Our door has been open for 11 months now for him to come home for good and he has not, he lays his head in her bed!!

I am heart broken, I am afraid of what will happen to us, I am beaten down, I am tired, and I am losing myself and my sanity.

What else could I do?

JT <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

JT,

H has lost his mind, my 1st H did the same thing to me after I put him out except he did put his hands on me & I then got an order of protection, what is wrong w/ these men?.

God doesn't want you or your children subjected to this. Do whatever you have to legally to keep him away from you. Set up a third party to get his kids to him for visits but he should have nothing to do with you. Did you save those messages?

I am sorry, but you do need to end this if he can't treat you any better than this, he is acting like a spoiled child cuz you won't continue to let him have his way?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I am praying that he will just leave you alone, let that tramp lick his wounds for him. You deserve better & you will have better. Keep praying girl.


{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi JT2,

I am sorry you are going through this. He is just with OW because it is easier and she expects no commitment from him. He is blaming you for all his mistakes and that is not fair. My husband acts much like yours when he does not get his way. He has told me that I cannot put him out. I am planning on putting him out at least when if he does visitation at OW's house. That is my deal breaker. You deserve better than your husband and you will get better one day when this is all over. The way your husband is acting, maybe divorce is better. I think however one day he is gonna wake up and be sorry he treated you like that. Sue him for child support. Make him pay. Get Alimony if you can. Maybe you can use his infidelity against him in court.

JT~

I am so terribly sorry he exploded and got abusive. To answer your question...I'm not telling you to continue to live like this, absolutely not! However, if you examine your heart, and decide this M is something you want to go after, (and I'm still hearing that in your posts), there is a way to TRY for it. There are steps to take, in a certain order, (Plan A & B).

This is a marriage building site, so I think the responsible thing to do, is to point you in the right direction of the methods that have been proven to work.

The very best thing I can do for you right now is to point you to "swimming alone's" thread, "WW is Pregnant with om baby". Read swimming alone's most recent post, and then PLEASE read K's response to him, (it's probably the most recent post on the thread), and then PROMISE you'll read K's link of his story at the bottom. I think it will give you some clarity, some vision. NO, K didn't deal with volatility or abuse, (that I'm aware of), but his W was carrying on a double life, much like your H. His W, also was doing NOTHING to work on the M, just like your H. K did some methodical things, took some difficult steps, and in the end his M was restored, and he himself became a better person because of the steps he took. Please go read it...

Praying for you and your children, AND your M.

~ad

((JT2)) I'm so sorry your H is being such a jerk. He is pissed about losing control of you, that's pretty obvious.

Look at it this way, you are being the strongest person involved. OW was not strong enough to keep from involving herself (to the level of having a child!) with someone who wasn't 100% available to her. Your H didn't have the strength to do the right thing by his family either. He continues to waffle and fence sit.

YOU were the one with enough strength to see the situation for what it is, toxic, and remove yourself. You had every right to want out, I'm sure you realize that. What judge would think you should have to stay and be subjected to more of that???

I hope he doesn't totally destroy your self esteem, you are worth better than this. Just because he's a mean jerk, it doesn't mean everyone is. I think with time things will calm down. The comments he is making towards you make me think this is an ego blow for him. Well tough titty, you've had more than enough ego blows thanks to him. Let him see how it feels.

Thanks everyone for the comments.

BBYG - I did go yesterday to the courts to get an order of protection against him, he continues to call and harass me and I never before thought he would do anything to me but I just don't know what he will do. His family is lost to him now so who knows. He left a message saying that he did not know I was at home when he tried to get in, but what difference does it make why would you destroy our home like that and risk the kids being there to see it. he scared me until I started to believe the threats. I am weary this morning because of fear of what he might think then I realize that I am exemplifying a BP behavior.
He can still see the kdis through a third party which I am glad of, but he can not come to the house or my job, or continue to call me.

He left another message saying that he didn't really mean those things and he loves me, but I have heard all this before and inspite of everything he has done to me I have never resorted to this behavior. So this is just to control me again and it has worked in the past so why not try it again. I love him, but I have to let him go. This situation is not one that I can help and if he does not want to go for help then nothing will ever change and if I take him back I fear that it will only get worse!

You can not get through to him that his history and his thought patterns are not rational. He honestly believes that he is right about everything that has happened. He wants me to just let him do what he wants and his level of desrespect just keeps growing growing. My self esteem and sefl respect just keeps lowering and lowering.

I have hit rock bottom and I think he has to to realize what he has done and what he has lost or rather thrown away.

I don't know what else to do, but pray!

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi JT2,

There is no hope for him as long as he does not see his behavior as wrong. My second husband abused me and I took out a restaining order on him. He realized he was wrong. He tells his kids today that I left him because he was too mean to me. I did give him a second chance and he raped me multiple times and once threw me out of the bed and bruised me when I fought two hard against his rape. I feel for you and I am not saying your husband would ever stoop that low but some men you cannot change so I would just take care of you right now. Do not buy into any of his guilt. You have given him more effort than he deserves. Take care of you JT and love yourself.

JT - These are my arms around you giving you squeezes! ((((((((((((((JT))))))))))))))))))

Go dark and stay dark. Protect yourself and your children. Keep record of all the phone calls, times, dates and content of the messages. Change your phone number if you have to - then give the number to the third party only - if he needs to get a message to you, he can do so that way. Write your plan B letter stating this...then no more contact - even if it means turning him in because he violated the protection order (BTW: Did you know that those threatening messages are ILLEGAL????). Plan B is about protecting YOU. If he changes, fine, you can decide then. If he doesn't - it'll be fine, too! You are doing the right thing.

Lift your chin up. You are worth so much more than you're getting! Your children are worth more than they're getting.

- Kimmy

I don't have any advice to give. Just know that there are sooo many people pulling for you. I wish you weren't having to go through this. We've all had difficult moments while going through our heartbreak.
God bless you and your children,
ent

Thank you girls for your support - I need it I don't really know what else to do. I have to think about me right now I know, because he think just because he was still paying bills and cutting grass over here that he has been trying to work on his M. Well everyone in OW complex thinks they are married and he has been doing the same over there. So who exactly has he been faithful to?

I must look out for me. I have been scared of hurting him or making him feel like I did not want him when all this time he has not given a dam# about me. he left me and my kids every night without remorse to go and lay his head on her pillow.

Kimmy - Thank yoou I don't know why but I feel like I really needed you and KT's support. I guess it is because you two are always so vocal I feel like you are my guardian angels. Not to slight anyone else because you all have been so instrumental in my mental state -( BBYG, Genia, AD, Albany, Sunny, LynnG, KrisM, and hey I can't remember all the names)!

I think my H may have just wanted me to let this all go. He wants to live the single life, and I can't tolerate this anymore.

Oh and yes I did keep all the messages. My attny has transcribed them onto a cassette and then into print. That was why I went on to get the protection order not to really hurt him, but to get legal custody of our kids, CS stared and peace of mind that he can't harass me anymore.

What else could I do. When he does not get his way he explodes into this raving fool, and I am just normally taking it and begging for forgiveness when I did not do anything but state my unhappiness.

My heart is so full of the unknown - but I know that I deserve better. I know the Lord has better for me - even if it is not him right now.

But if I don't take a stand for me and what I believe to be right now, then H will never see that he has hurt us all. I was not at fault here. and he has had plenty of time to try to communicate with me about anything.

JT

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

Have the phone calls stopped? The reason I'm asking is because if he out and out says, "I'm gonna kick your a$$!" That is illegal, but if he's just being ominous, like saying, "I know where you go every day," the police can't do anything about it. But if he continues the blatent "kicking your [censored]" statements, I'd take those puppies to the police. Take no chances with him right now....really, take no chances till he gets himself to therapy! He's not only got an anger mgmt. problem, he's got some history there in his life that sounds like his elevator isn't going all the way up to the penthouse.

For right now, let him rant and rail at her. It's her turn...she needs to realize what a mess he is, too. I wouldn't wish him on MY OW right now with the state he's in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Please stay safe. Please!?!?

- Kimmy

(((((hugs jt))))))) Well you might have guessed he would act like this. Most do. But you are on the right track. Do NOT let him bring you down! It is not your fault, he cheated and did this to your family. All you did was try and pick up the pc he broke and go on! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> A word of advise look at your papers and read them and KEEP them w/ you at all times. One word could make all the difference when the police show up. Make sure you are covered. There is a restaining order and there is a order of protection. You want a restaining order! Stop and look at them! Do not break them. Do not be around this man! It should state for him not to call you. He is harrassing you, he is tring to break you make you crazy. So you will give in ! DON'T. If it states for him not to call then call the police, if he is making threats to you on the answering machine, DONT erase it, all and let them hear it. He is playing a control game w/ you. Like the others have said he has lost control and he wants it back. You don't have to live in fear. Call the police, even if they have to come out every night! This is serious. You and your children should not have to go though this because of him. He made is bed, he needs to go lie (and its sp right) in it! Hold your head up and know that you did your best, and are doing what is right by your children, cause he didn't. And as far as the bills. Get him off all your CC and get his support going NOW! Take it ouy of his check and don't feel bad about it. HE LEFT YOU when he slept w/ her! HE LEFT YOUR FAMILY! Not you. (((((hugs JT)))))))) And you should feel all of us w/ you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

JT - Just wanted to say I am so sorry that H is treating you like this - no one deserves this, but especially some one as sweet as you. I am praying for your safety and that H will just leave you in peace. Take care of you and those kids.

Love you!

Oh they are blatent threats! I have them all recorded. When I called the police on Sunday they filled out a report. I went and got an order of portection in court on yesterday and took a cpoy to the same police station for them if I ever have to call them out again he is in direct violation of the order. He should be served with the order today I guess.

Because I filed a report with the police and they have notified him of domestic violence/Harassment laws his phone calls are now illegal and noted by the police. All I have to do if I wanted to file criminal charges would be to go down and sign the warrant along with letting the magistrate hear the messages. I do not want him arrested but I want him to stop the threats and stop coming by the house. I just want to be left alone in peace to get my life together. I really think he needs to recognize also what life is going to be like without us.

He can not just keep doing this and getting away with this - and you are right with his mental history and childhood problems, he has no clue as to what ot do and he needs help badly. I can not do it for him and I can not make him see how damaging this is. So I must go on with my life in hopes that one day he will be okay and get the help he needs to have a full and honest life.

I will not subject the kids to anymore unstable behavior. I don't want them to ever think any of this is their fault.

JT

Just a suggestion with the kids - you not only want to keep them away from this behavior, but you want to make sure they know this is not normal. Your H obviously grew up in this type of environment. Make sure you break the cycle, and don't let your kids do the same. They are so young - they learn from what they see. Make sure they know this is not right!

Hang in there! You are strong and you will make it through this. Keep the faith!!

JT,

Said a prayer for you, your kids & your H.

You have done all you could, he has to realize that he needs help & seek it. I pray that he does.

In the meantime, I know you love him, but right now you have to love YOU & your kids more & protect yourselves from him.

Love ya.

Well after a peaceful night at home you would not believe who just called me? Yes!! He did actually pick up the phone and call me. I guess he was not served with the protection order or either he is to out of his mind to follow it. I could not believe he asked me if I was ready for him to come yet? Can you believe he fixed his lips to say that to me? I am amazed? I had to ask him how could he say what he said to the woman that he loved? He just said calmly that "I was mad". Well after me being mad and taking his stuff for months I still never resorted to that kind of talk about the father of my children; better yet the man that I love.

He even professed to love me! Can you give me a shovel PLEASE!!! To think that I was feeling so down about having to get the protection order against him. I knew he would try something, but this I didn't expect this soon.

I told him that I was finished with this whole thing. I was getting out and then I hung up the phone. I guess he has not been served yet. What the heck is taking so long?

What do you think his next move will be?
How do I combat it? or better yet I should say how do I deal with it? How am I going to move on? Not talking to him is a good start. I won't fall for this again.


JT

Hi JT2,

Your husband is possessive. He wants you and he wants OW too. He feels he owns you as his wife. He feels he is a man and can have OW too. He will try stuff for a while. I took restraining order against my second husband. He had beat me. You know this man called me from jail. Then he used to give me stuff through the kids, like a big valentine chocolate candy. He would tell the kids to tell me it was from them. Be prepared. These men never give up. After three years he still wanted me back. Just keep hanging up the phone if you have too. Don't answer the door if he comes to the house. Call the cops. Save all messages. I know your man has not beat you but like I told you when I first started posting to you, I could tell your husband was possessive from your posts. I could see some of my second husband in him. He gave you money and cut your grass and stuff to try and keep you. I am sure he loves you in his own way but it is a sick love and your husband needs help. JT2 be careful. You are in my thoughts.
(((((((((((((JT2)))))))))))))))

Thanks Genia,

do you believe he called again this morning at 6am. he is sick. he called to tell me to tell the kids he loved them, I said okay and hung up the phone. He called back at 6:55am to tell me he was going to pick up the kids from school today. I said without carseats ( because I have his carseats at home with me)?

i have no idea what's going to happen this afternoon when he goes to the daycare and can not pick up the kids (I gave them a copy of the Court Order). I am looking for the worst to come of this.

Hopefully he will be served with it before then. I did contact my attny at 7:15am to discuss it with her and she said it was best to let him trip himself up.

JT