JT - it does get easier. I just hate to see him win any kind of legal victory because you didn't know. I think he knows full well that by wearing you down, your talking to him... his next step would be to get you to meet with him to handle the kids or something would be a full blown violation and he could say, "well, she sought me out" then it would a he-said-she-said and the cops HATE that!

I'd probably report his antics - the times he's calling, etc.

There's a cheap recording device you can get from Radio Shack - plugs into your phone and you can record his threats, rantings and "loving" manipulations too.

JT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but I almost feel like he owes me so much more than he is giving me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He does but you are not going to get it from him. Not now, not when he is acting like this. Let it go. Give to yourself. You don't need him to give you anything, espec. when all he is giving you is pain. He gives you pain in what he says and what he does NOT do. Let it all go.

As KA said, don't engage him in conversation. It could be viewed as your breaking your own protective order. Plus, it just hurts you more. Do not let him hurt you any longer.

You and I will have a celebratory drink or two when this is all over. We can do it. If they come back that would be wonderful but if they don't we will be fine. If they come back the have to show HUGE changes. We won't take them until they make the changes we need.

JT, you will be fine I promise. We all have each other here and we will support you no matter what. I want you to be happy just like I want to be happy.

I agree! Quit talking to him. He can call the attorney or thrird person. But you can not keep him from his kids. But where is he living? Who will they be around? Is he stable enough to take care of the little ones? And turn your phone off at nine and turn it back on when you leave for work. Let him talk himself into a hole w/ the answering machine. They all do. Liers always dig their own holes. He will try and make you sad enough to talk to him and mad enough too. DON'T
(((((Hugs to You )))))))
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hi JT,

I am really sorry for the pain you are going through. Can you get a close friend or relative(girl) to stay over with you. You need somebody to support you in this. I feel for you. I have been there and I know this is very hard for you.

It is Genia; it is very hard to go through this alone. My closest friends do not live in the same city as I do so no I don't have anyone to come over and stay with us. I am trying to keep home life as normal as possible for my children - remember they are only 2 & 1. So I'm still doing diapers-potty time and feedings. So there is really no time for me.

H still continues to call. He swears he wants his family and I've heard it all before. I know if I went bakc or let him come back nothing would change it never does. he has had over 10 months to come home and no matter how hard I tried or cried it made no difference he walked out that door anyway! So he is where he wants to be and now it is time for me to be where I want to be and HAPPY is what I want to be. I am not happy with my H having another child with another woman, nor am I happy that he continued to disrespect me and my children by living with her and supporting her.

So I must live for me now.

jt

Hi JT,

I know it is painful you having such young kids and being alone. What about family? I used to hang out at Mom's till after supper. Then I would go home. I think you need to be around positive people so you don't get depressed.

thanks I used to do that too. My mom dies of breast cancer just two years ago. so that support is gone, but I work with my father so he is uplifting to me all day long. He even calls and checks on the kids daily.

My granmother had a stroke during all of this - so I can't discuss it with her anymore and no other family even knows about the situation. So my down times are completely my down times!

But hey I am not depressed don't get me wrong. I have prayed for peace and the Lord has answered my prayer. I just wonder sometimes if it could be different?

But I think I know the answer to that ? is NO!

JT

JT Continue on w/ your plans. If he is really going to be a part of your family he will show you when things calm doen. You need this time to get yourself back to the woman you want to be for yourself. He can kick and cream all he wants to but if he is true to what he is preaching he will have time to show you.
sunny d

thanks sunny!

JT

Hi JT,

I am glad you are OK. Sorry for all your losses. Glad your Dad is supportive. Prayer works. So glad you got God in your life. You go girl. You are gonna be alright. I do wish you could get out sometime just to have some fun. You need a break. A vacation from all this pain and hurt you have been going through. Take care of yourself. It will get better.

Thanks Genia, your will to once you make a stand for yourself.

You must do that first above anything else!

JT

What is that saying "it is always darkest before the dawn" I think you are at the worst it is ever going to get. As I read through this whole message, and all the posts, I see you going up and down. But, lately the up seems a bit more. I see strength behind your words. The fear of uncertainty, the pain, that is all there too. But your dignity, your resolve to get your life in order are there. YOU WILL BE FINE.

I know what you are doing is hurting and hard. But can you answer me a question? Now that you have taken control over your life, do you feel a little better? Not better in the sense that your marriage is going to immediately be better and ow/oc will go away. But that feeling of self worth for standing tall and taking control of your life?

The reason I ask is that once you take control of your life, and start clearly stating what you need and want to yourself (and us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> you are getting a mental memory of those needs/wants. They are no longer hidden back in your mind, but in front. Your own personal happiness and growth are now at the forefront of your being. No longer are you being ruled by him, or the situation. Get it? You are taking charge. Scary!!! Sorta like behind the wheel training in drivers ed, remember that day? How exciting but scary at the same time!!!!!

That is where you are. You have given this man so many chances that YOU were sucked right out of your own brain. YOUR wishes were put on hold while he ran amock over your heart. What he saw as acceptance was schock, disbelief and hurt. What you projected was a sense of "whatever" Then he would throw you a crumb to keep your hopes up. NOT ANY MORE.

You are in a firm grasp of reality and you are making the decisions. No longer is the tail wagging the dog. Alow this newfound self respect and strength to carry you to your future.

Sure, the OFP and all the calls and legalease are wearing, probably seems like the end of the marriage. But, by living one day at a time, and living for YOU and your children, you will be amazed at what can happen. Your life, no matter if it is spent with him as family or not, will be changed for the better. Hopefully he will recommit to the marriage and your family, IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT. If so, and he comes back, you now have the clear vision of a woman who has been beat down, but is now standing tall and will not suffer his foolish behavior. Your respect for yourself and your children will not allow that.

I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you (( )) You are amazing. I know this is marriage builders, and we all hate to see this scenario unfold. But sometimes it does. And know that everyone here truly and deeply cares about you, my cyber friend. We truly do.

In the meantime, please take the advice of all these wonderful women and do not talk to him. In one state, they actually can prosecute you for doing that. Stick to the OFP and allow him some time to cool off and get his bearings. Remember, he is scared, is to chicken to tell you of oc birth and now has the police on his tail. Let him cool for a while. Time is still on yourside.

Bless you and know that you are in my prayers.

Hi all, it has been a verry boring weekend at the home front. My H has been served with the Protection order. He called my dad to look for me because I was not answering my phone. He had the nerve to tlel my dad that he was upset because I put the kids in this mess. I don't really understand his though patterns on this but I am sure it has something to do with th efact that the order gave me custody of the children. What the heck did he think was going to happen, did he think that I would allow him to have them. Don't get me wrong I do not think that he would hurt them he loves them and they love him dearly but until we get some clear guidlines about them I would not risk that. He might have gotten them and not returned them out of anger with me for filing, and changing the locks.

I have noticed that he has not said anything about helping us with the bills around here, or any supplies for the kids, remember we have little ones!

I think that he has a lot of soul searching and therapy to do before we could even consider a reconciliation. His history of being abused and trouwn away by his father has just come full circle for him.. I think he has been faced with the fact that he just repeated the cycle, but really I don't think he even knows it. He thinks that this is my fault, not his. He honestly believes this and I am not sure he'll ever embrace the help that is out there for him. He'll keep running and running never making peace with his past or the situations he has caused to effect his future.

I have come to realize that I can't save him no matter how many books I read or how many C sessions I have. I can not do it for him he has to do it for himself and he has to want it bad enough. I don't think he wants it bad enough to fight for us. I have said this from the beginning; because I knew deep down that he never would. He would just let us go without a second thought.

LynnG, thank you for the words of encouragement, I am stronger and I am back to the woman I use to be. I am taking control of my life, not to hurt him, but to stop my pain. I had to come to the conclusion that I need to take care of me, he can't make me happy. I have to make me happy. What he thought of as "tolerating" was merely fear of the unknown and pain of the truth. I now remember that that I write the chapters in my book and I tell what will become of me ( along with the Lord's guidance of course). No he doesn't have control over me anymore. Do I love him Of course I do - I love him more than I could ever say! Is he good for me No at least not at the moment. If it is the Lord's will then it will be , but if it is not meant for us to be I am okay with that too. Boy, don't I sound like a totally different person. I am sure that I am worthy of something better!

If he honestly gets help and gets better which only time can tell, then maybe someday, but not today!

Keep me in your prayers,

JT


Everyday has gotten a little easier! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi JT,

I read and I am happy you are finding your strength. I am taking it one day at a time. God will give me the strength when it is time. I just do not have it right now.

I know how you feel Genia, it will come - trust me!

It took me a long time to get to where I am in this mess, so I know the waffling effect of the unknown.

you'll make it though, I am here for you whenever you need me - and I know that you are here for me as well!!

Take care and talk to you later or in a minute!

JT

JT,

I feel for you I really do, but this too shall pass as they say.

Girl just look at how the Lord as strenghtened (sp) you. Just a few months ago, you were a mess & I & a lot of others here were so worried about you.

I pray that H will turn around, but no you can't help him do it he had to want that for himself. You will be fine, God's got your back! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you BBYG,

I really appreciate it. I was hoping to hear from you. How are you doing? Is everything going okay at home? Is your H doing any better these days?

Keep your head up and pray for the best and the Lord will answer you in hisown time.

Be Blessed,

JT

PS - thank you for the love and support that you all have shown me in these past months. I can not express to any of you how much you have helped me during this time of struggle and need. I feel like I am in a bottomless pit and can now see the hint of light at the end. So please keep me and my family in your prayers as I will as well.

You're the bomb-diggin'est! Your light is getting brighter every day as you climb out!

Love to you!

Hey JT,

Things are not going better at home, I may be in the same boat as you very soon, don't want to post about it here right now, but there are BIG problems at home & I am truly tired of the BS.

Still holding out a shred of hope sort of. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Keeping you & all your family in prayer, please do the same for me & mine.

Sorry to hear that BBYG--hope to chat with soon.

BIG HUGS to whatever the problem is.

sorry to thread jack JT2