Hi Gofigure,

He feels because he made this baby that this is his right. I have a hard time understanding him sometimes. Further he does not want me to understand him sometimes. I have a feeling I will probably leave him in the end. I somehow do not think he will stay sweet like this. I am trying to take this day by day, hour by hour. I am at least Glad for the moment that I was tested 2 weeks ago for STD's. I got results today and they were Negative.

Genia,

I am not trying to be mean, but for this to have been a mistake ( A & OC) I think your H is a little to involved here....yeah, yeah, so he was the sperm donor, OC's father, whatever, he just seems to be a little tooooo attached. He is taking into consideration the OW's feelings and not yours. Its what we call playing both sides of the fence. But that is Ok. You seem to have a good relationship with his stepmom...tell her how u are feeling about this, and maybe she will once again talk some sense into him. Too me it is ridiculous. He needs to be doing all he can to make u feel comfortable about the situation. This is not about him being Wrong & Strong. Just my opinion.

Hi Gofigure,

I believe he is playing into OW's hands because she has threatened him that she will not let him see the baby. I was on the phone with him when this conversation was exchanged 6 months ago. I have tried to impress on him the importance of getting legal protection but he keeps saying, he is a man and he can handle it. I guess what he is not seeing is that even though he can handle it, I can't. If he does not get legal protection concerning OC and visitation, I know I will be forced to leave him. He has loved on me in the last couple days. Something I have been missing. I don't mean sex, but kissing and touching. Making me feel special. I don't know why I am suddenly getting more attention when he is soon to be birthing a baby from another woman. Maybe he is suddenly scared I am gonna leave him over this.

Genia,

Tell your H to stop taking the Ow's threats seriously....he should know that he is part of the reason for her having this OC to begin with (whether he believes it or not), and she is not going to try and keep the OC from him because, then OW would not see him either...kind of an unfortunate Catch22.

So he is being ridiculous and using the OC as a pawn already, right along with the OW.

Don't worry he will be in for a rude awakening.

I have tried to explain this to him. You know what it does not work. I have been talking to his family. Them and I agree. He may have to fall on his face before he wakes up. If I have to do Plan B to put him there I will. I just don't want to start it in the midst of all this drama. I asked him lately concerning his relationship with OW concerning why I did not want him in OW's house. I asked if OW and him had ever had an argument. I expected him to say no. Not norm to have argument during affair. he said yes we had arguments. She gets on my nerves sometimes. Mind you the affair only lasted about 4 months. He says 2 months. I think it last 4 months by his actions. So what am I so worried about. If he disrespects me and I plan B him where will he go. OW is not good for him.

I know this is really hard to understand with all the pain you guys are going through....but maybe just maybe he is a man with intrigrity (ok, maybe he screwed with the affair, but your willing to stay with them and forgive him so something must be good about him right?) and because this is his child he feels obligated to this child???? He has already choosen his wife to stay with. I see no problem you being at the hospital with him maybe not in the room for both the emotional turmoil you and xow will feel, but at the hospital she has no say.........go with him. Join him there. But come on......he made a mistake or is he just a jerk? Your willing to work on your marriage right? He's worth it right? Then maybe just maybe he is a man who wants to be with his children. You don't find a lot of men out there today that will do that. It's called intergrity and responsiblility.

NTMO - I agree somewhat with what you are saying. I see this with my H right now. He has not totally committed to moving back home, but we are working on our M. H seems to want to keep OW happy for sake of OC to be. Yet he doesn't share this with me - I think he is trying to protect me from more hurt. I know he feels responsible for OC and wants to be a part of her life, but he seems to want to keep the two worlds separate. I don't know if he wants to protect us or if he is just afraid what will happen when we are all face to face together. He just made the comment tonight that he was not sure how much I want to be involved. I told him I am ready to be a full time step mom to this child. That if we do C, we do it together. But yes, I agree he wants to take care of all his children, and maybe trying to keep us all apart is his way of protecting us. I don't know. We are just beginning down this road together - OC is due 9/26. I hope we can resolve some of these issues by then.

Kris, I see what your saying and I feel that he's probally scared of the aftermath it may or may not cause. YOU have every right to be involved as you are apart of his family....if he is trying to work things out with you then YOU should be....as well, it's not fair to oc that you are in and out of oc life. That is not good either. It does not show stability for oc with his dad. If your there, your there do you know what I mean? KT always says that a 2 parent family is ideal.....I agree....but in the day and age it's not always possible, but if all the adults involved that want to be involved they have to make sure ALL the kids have stabilty and reassurance with the situation. You make the best of a bad situation...you know what I mean?

If the H goes to the hospital for the birth, he is going to support OW. The baby won't know the difference!

Maybe not today it won't...but if the husband is going to be in the oc's life there is no reason why he should not be there, nor is there any reason why his wife should not be there. Again maybe not in the room as emotions are flying, but close by. We were not talking about if the husband is not going to be in the child's life.

My xWS was at the hospital for the OC's birth. We were living separately at the time, and I had filed for divorce, but were still legally married. And...we were also trying to work on reconciliation. He said that he felt the need to be at the OC's birth because his child deserved to have his father there. That it wasn't the child's fault as to the circumstances of his birth. That even if the baby wasn't aware of his presence, that he would want to know that he had been there for this child as he had been for his other 2 (from his first marriage) He fully intended to be a regular part of the OC's life whether we reconciled, or not. He felt that it was his responsibility..his obligation, since he had a part in bringing this child into the world. And, no, paternity hadn't been established prior to the birth. A part of me admired him, his integrity...but it hurt like hell..knowing he shared an experience with the OW that we had never shared. And it hurt like hell when I found out that he took his 16 year old daughter to the hospital the first day to see the baby. And it hurt like hell when I found out about the baby's birth and the fact that he might have Down Syndrome (which he did) from someone else. And it hurt like hell when he moved OW and OC into his apartment "because they had nowhere else to go, and I can't put my son on the streets, and I'm not sure OW is mature enough or responsible enough to take good care of him.(which she probably isn't, but was "mature" enough to get pregnant!) And she said that I'd never see him again." (I told him that since she'd be on welfare since she won't work, he'd always be able to track them down... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )I have a very soft spot in my heart for helpless, defenseless children, having worked in child abuse and neglect. So, I waited patiently...Now it's 2 years later...OW and OC and xWS still live together...not married...DNA says WS is the father...xWS still believes that we will reconcile, even though I have gone on and starting dating others and told him to leave me alone. "I'm going to win you back!" Yeah right! But, I still would have chosen for my xWS to be as involved with the OC, from birth on, as he was. The OC did deserve it! I know it makes a big difference when we don't share other children. This OC has gotten a whole lot more attention from xWS than his 2 kids from his first marriage. He was an active alcoholic/addict then...I'd be steaming if I were his 1st x-wife..and his kids...

Hi Heartfailure,

I really feel for your pain. I think us as BS get the bigger picture because we are hurt the most from all this. Like I said when OW called my house to tell husband she was two centimeters it brought it all home to me. Needtomoveon, my biggest fear would be for husband to go in OW's house to visit with baby. I intend to go with him for visitations. He seems to just want to go alone. That would not work because I would fear him and OW bonding with baby and developing a deeper relationship. I want this bond to form between him, me, and his baby. Because him and I are one, I should be a part of his baby's life as a step-mom. I see no integrity on his part when he calls his OW behind my back. Also he had no integrity when he screwed OW behind my back and did not tell me. She had no integrity when she got pregnant by MM. Sorry but I found her apology to him for getting caught calling my house lame. Especially since I told him I wanted them to talk in front of me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by needtomoveon:
<strong> Maybe not today it won't...but if the husband is going to be in the oc's life there is no reason why he should not be there, nor is there any reason why his wife should not be there. Again maybe not in the room as emotions are flying, but close by. We were not talking about if the husband is not going to be in the child's life. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But there is a reason.... his wife's feelings, needs, and desires.

Whatever the situation ---> when a choice must be made about OC .... it must be made as a team by the married couple. The choice must be to both their liking.

If choosing a certain option is BAD or HARMFUL for the marriage for any reason ... then that choice should not go forward without POJA by the couple .... choices like this must be met with full enthusiastic support from the man and the wife.

NO MORE unilateral decisions, NO MORE decisions by coercion.

If the man going to the hospital for the delivery is harmful to the marriage, or hurtful to his wife, he should not go. Marriage is priority number one.


Pep

Pep if they are going for contact (I'm assuming the bw as agreed by the questions) then that is what I mean and still stand by it. Some men do feel the obligation and if the wife is agreeing to contact and the husband feels strong about starting off with that child......that is all I mean. JMO though.............I DO see however what your saying.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by needtomoveon:
Some men do feel the obligation and if the wife is agreeing to contact and the husband feels strong about starting off with that child.....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His obligation is to his wife first.

If she does not wish her H to be present at the delivery, he should honor his wife's wishes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wife is his priority if he wants his marriage to work.

Pep

Hi Pepperband,

Thanks for your response but my husband has put his kids needs above mine. It does not matter to him that this kid came from an act of infidelity it seems. I think I might go to the hospital to see the baby however and maybe take a picture of it through the glass. I hope my husband would not mind. I hope he will come around. I know I would not want to be around OW unless she could be civil.

This all hurts.

My H will not let me go with him to see oc bu then again OW just come in the nieghborhood on the spur of the moment. I am like you genia, I feel scared that more time they spend together the more they are bonding with OW, OC, and H and it should not be like that. Hopefully M H will come aroudn soon to see that. He is scared of what is going tohappen when we meet. ****, I am scared of what is going to happen when we meet, but we need to meet and get this over with already. I am trying to be an adult now I feel like its hurt turn to stop playing these games.

This all hurts.

My H will not let me go with him to see oc bu then again OW just come in the nieghborhood on the spur of the moment. I am like you genia, I feel scared that more time they spend together the more they are bonding with OW, OC, and H and it should not be like that. Hopefully M H will come aroudn soon to see that. He is scared of what is going tohappen when we meet. ****, I am scared of what is going to happen when we meet, but we need to meet and get this over with already. I am trying to be an adult now I feel like its hurt turn to stop playing these games.

Originally posted by Genia:


Thanks for your response but my husband has put his kids needs above mine.

Is this "OK" with you? Is this the level of respect you find acceptable?

Are YOU working a MB Plan yourself?

Are you getting coaching or counseling?

What steps are you and your H taking together to make your marriage work?

Are you certain the affair is over??

Pep

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by needtomoveon:
<strong> Maybe not today it won't...but if the husband is going to be in the oc's life there is no reason why he should not be there, nor is there any reason why his wife should not be there. Again maybe not in the room as emotions are flying, but close by. We were not talking about if the husband is not going to be in the child's life. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, so if I go by what you are saying here, about the WH being there for the OC at the OC's birth being SO much better than if the WH comes by the hospital later, and that making him a much better man, and having a much better relationship with the OC, then my H should have like NO relationship with our oldest and should be the scum of the earth! Why do I say this, it's because my H missed our S's birth by a week!!!! So, that week, according to your statement, was wasted, and there shouldn't be a bond between the two of them.

HMMMMM, just doesn't ring true to me! If the WH is going to the hospital for the birth of the OC IT IS NOT FOR SUPPORT OF THE OC BUT THE OW!!!! I would imagine that you, having given birth to twins w/your xH and then having your D by yourself(ie: no xMM) would know that a baby, no matter how they come into this world, is not going to EVER remember who was in that delivery room, but the mother will always remember. I do not feel that any WS should have the OP in the delivery room when the OC is born, whether the WS is the W or H! No matter what the circumstances! The WH can be at the hospital, with the BW, when the OC is born, if that's what the M'd COUPLE agree to via POJA, but in the delivery room is completely inappropriate and unnecessary. Heck, fathers used to have to wait in the waiting area when their children were born, not so long ago, and many adults today still have awesome relationships with their fathers. Not to mention those who were adopted, or in a case I know of personally, where the birth father died when the child was less than a year old, and her mother re-married, and the relationship between that man and his "step" D is one of the closest I have ever seen! Being in the delivery room is not now and never will be to support or bond with the OC, but to show your support and love for the woman giving birth.

So, as for who should be in the delivery room, the woman giving birth and HER support system! That should NOT include the WH UNLESS the BW is in the room right next to him. If the OW doesn't like it, well that's just tough, if the M'd couple are going to save their M, and work together as a team. I know it's been over stated, but most OW knew of the MM's M and still chose to have the A, give birth to the OC, and should realize that in MANY cases will be raising the OC on their own, with not much more than the court ordered CS.