To tell you the truth I don't think he is done--why believe--hasn't been done the past 100 times as he said he was. I don't believe and that makes me even sadder.

Bad thing is I told him he had 24 hourse to decide and then I would go get the papers--you can file yourself etc. and he said that he didn't need 24 hours because he was done--now I pretty much have to get them. I shouldn't have said that.

He said that he knows I can't make him happy that he has to but that when he is happy already I make him unhappy and that something is missing between us.

Albany,

You shouldn't have said it if you really didn't mean it. If you don't do it he will think of you just what you think of him a joke when it comes to being OVER! so what have you two done just played tit for tat with one another. BTDT it doesn't work, plus sooner or later you are going to have to make a decision. If you are going to continue to live a life like this - DATING your H instead of being to him! Is this the life you really want?

You are going to have to decide for you - it has been over a year now ( i know time doesn't matter but you happiness does ). Besides what do you really have? ( a H who lives some where else, who comes and goes as he pleases, who does what he wants with or without you, and one who is not really making any commitments to you) What kind of life is that really?

Don't do anything rash just think about it! Clearly! How long will it go on - AS LONG AS YOU ALLOW IT TO!

JT

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

I know--now I'm forced to get papers I think. That was stupid of me. How do I allow it not to without filing and getting papers myself?

I don't know Albany, I am not sure that you can look serious with out filing. It has gone too far. My H and I use to do it constantly or rather I did. He never believed me because I would say stuff and never follow through with any of it. I also think that is why he may have flown off the handle when I locked him out again.

I kept saying that I had had enough yet, never did anything I said I was going to do. It only made matters worse for the both of us, and I had the kids to think about. How long was I going to let their lives be in limbo. They deserved better even if I did not think I did. But I DO deserve better and so do you. I am not telling you to file, but It is definately time for plan B.

Do that instead and then he'll think D is coming anyway. Maybe it will shake him into making a decision one way or another.

Now is the time to stand up for your family!

JT

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

i thought I had stood up for my family by trying to make it work. Plan B him so that he can run around and do whatever without me knowing--I don't see how a plan B will work when he is hell bent for a D.

Sorry JT--I'm just lost and have no hope. My dreams have disappeared--everything I wanted is leaving except my son--a family, a loving husband, a wife who eventually was to work part-time and be a soccer mom somewhat--they were all taken from me against my will and I'm powerless to change it.

I guess just listen JT--so frustrating to fail when we are surrounded by so many succes stories on this site--why can't mine be success?

Albany,

So sorry to hear things are not going well, is it something in the air w/ these bull headed men??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You definitely should not have threatened to file if you are not ready, now that you have what are you going to do? Why can't you plan b him? That may be all you need to do to wake him up, I too think if he really wanted a D he would have filed by now, seems as if he is playing a game, a game only you can stop. As JT said even if you file that doesn't mean the end of your M, things can always turn around, but for your sanity & to preserve any love you have left for H you need to make a move NOW, plan b or file for D. It is time to start thinking of you & what you want out of life for yourself & your son, if H wants to be a part of it he will act accordingly, if not then you will go on & be happy w/o him. I know that is not what you want but what alternative do you have left?

Keep praying sweetie & don't doubt God & the plans he has for you, they will be good in the end, trust HIM.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Albany}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Albany hunny I am sorry for the way things are turning out. I know you are feeling lost and dazed. But the thing you need to do is get you and those kids covered. If he has papers already you need to counter file. You did not do this to your family. He cheated not you ! So don't think you haven't done everything to repair the hurt! Yes couples argue and fight and things are never perfect, but you just don't go out and sleep w/someone else cause its bad at home! Thats not right by no means! So what you have to do is get up and do what you have to do to protect the ones that stayed in the family. And not gave up on it. H will have to just deal w/ his actions on God's time and no one elses. Don't wait til it's too late to file and cover yourself. I know it's hard to do when you don't want it, but its what you are going to have to do if he's filed already. You have worked hard on repairing your M and should not loose anything because of it. Things may work out in the end, but this is something you just have to go though. And yes we never know why, but there is a reason. God has a wonderful plan for you and your children. You deserve to live a life w/o all this pain and hurt. ((((Hugs to you ))))
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Sunny he hasn't filed since last year and that is all expired and it all has to be re-done.

I want to scream because and yell because I just re-read summary of Dr. H's basic concepts and we are fixable and workable and frustrates me that we aren't trying because it takes two and obviousl we don't have two to try but we are totally workable and solvable.

I'm so sorry, Albany. I wish I had more "chin up" words, but I'm all tapped out right now.

Love to you.

It's okay NIO.

I was just reading Dr. H's stuff about recovering from affair and he says most marriages that have affairs do end int divorce but reconcile--why can't mine work then--just feeling like it should and can but it isn't and I'm feeling whiney.

Shouldn't whine at you as you have enough of your won issues.

Hi Albany,

I am so sorry. Is it possible to have one last conversation with your husband. Wonder why your husband thinks you can't make him happy. How can you even have a shot when he is off with another woman. I really do not know what to tell you because you have been trying so long. He makes baby steps and then goes backwards. I am so sorry, I know this is hard. I feel for Kimmy too, I know she is hurting too. It is like we all thought we had a chance and things are going down for us all. I think you can still Plan B. But can you have one more talk with your husband to ask him if he is willing to stop seeing the girl from your work and try and make the marriage work. If not, maybe you will have to do plan B or else your love bank will get too low.
(((((((((((Albany))))))))))))))))))

Albany,

I could not even read the other posts before answering you. I know it is hard to read of the success stories when you fell like yours is going down hill, BUT WHO THE HECK SAID IT WAS GOING DOWN HILL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You are emotional right now, plan B gets you some breathing room and him time to think. He could be running around on you right now and you wouldn't know it. You must think positive - you can not control what he does not matter how you try! Please plan b allows you to gain strength, courage, and a sense of self worth. It also allows him to see what is at stake here, it may or may not change his mind or behavior; but in the meantime it builds your strength to go on without him if need be. Just give it a try - AT THIS POINT WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE HE IS TALKING ABOUT D ANYWAY! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I know it hurts believe me I am living proof that it hurts, but what else can you do other than live like you are living now, forever.

Love Ya,

JT

Oh yeah,

I forgot to say that all the success stories we have been reading about all had to hit rock bottom, and take a drastic measure in order to jolt their H or W back to what's important (their family). It is not going to turn around on it's own, they had to be blunt, bold, strong, and willing to let it go = PLAN B. This is what got their loved ones to either straighten up or allowed them to move on peacefully.

I know it hurts, but it will only get worse if you do nothing, and if you do nothing he will do nothing to make it better.

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't think that I can survive a PB. THe success stories are great ---mine should work damn it--I mean I'm not evening dealing with the OW/OC--think it would be easier for me and my M.

I don't think that I will have the support of any family or friends if I try again after PB--they all think it should be done and that H has had many chances to wake up and smell the roses.

I know they don't matter but I can't do this alone. How would your dad react if you tried to reconcile after all of this?

Mine has done this before so most people have loat all faith in him everchanging--maybe even me.

sorry to be so needy JT--emotions have been running wild and rampant.

I'm just at wits end--tried the nice guy routine and gets me know where in the end.

No Albany you are not whinning. You are needing to get your feeling out and that is what we are here for. I think most reconcile because God finally touches the one that needs to be. And he will touch your H in time. Maybe Albany needs to find herself? I know when (bs) we got M it was forever! You give up certian things to be a mother, wife, husband. Are you the person God wants you to be? I know I had to get there first. Trust in him and let him handle it. Its the hardest thing I ever learned to do, but I have been blessed for it and you will be too. There are things that we can control and other things that we can't so trust in him and you will see. Wheither you are together or not you will become the person God wants you to be and that is all you need to strive to be.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

I know what I want Sunny and who I wan to be --I wanted be the wife and mother in a two-parent household and I wanted to have a house and the American dream and a husband I was proud of--I still could be proud but he is still a boy I fear--what sep. the men from the boys is not whether one makes mistakes and the other doesn't but how they had them--mine isn't he is running-said this morning he is sorry because he really has created where we are at and I said no you aren't or you would be handling it differently but it is easier to walk away then to fight, grow and change for your M--he basically agreed.

i know what I want but I don't see a way to get it and I certainly have lost most of my support system. They will never understand a PB--I know that doesn't matter--It is what I think that matters but know support is almost impossible to survive without.

Albany,

I know where you are saying and no I don't think my dad would like me to reconcile with my H after all this has happened. That is his feelings based on what he has seen, however I am not married to him/ he is not my H. I will do what is best for me and my children despite what anyone thinks about it. They do no have to live it I DO!! Unless someone walks a mile in my shoes I am not concerned with their thoughts or comments about my M.

You do have a support system - ALL OF US ARE HERE WITH YOU AND FOR YOU!! WE ARE NOT LEAVING YOU!

Honey, I know it sounds like the end of the road, but you are only at the beginning. We all have just really started making decisions that directly effect us or are about us. They are either going to climb aboard the ship or drown in the backwash as we pass them by - all in all it will be their DECISION!


Love ya,

JT

Maybe I will get to chat with some of you tonight on SxF.

well yesterday after work was yucky--he was a jerk when I asked him a money question and blew his top and was a nasty *******--said alot of really mean and nasty things. I think that he is making this unrepairable.

I printed Mb concepts for him and the MB falling out of love and falling back in love but he threw them on the floor--classic ******* and fog behavior. I put them but his lunch bag and I noticed when he left that they were gone.

I'm really mad and I don't really know this person that he has been the last few days.

Really frustrating to see someone turn like that--especially the one you love--he isn't who I married at all--I'm sure I'm not necessarily either but I don't think to that extreme.