While I believe your intentions are honorable, the outcome spells disaster all around. Your parents went no contact for a valid reason. They are well versed in who this ow is and what she has done to harm YOUR family.

You really have to think this out carefully. It is more then likely that the ow is playing games. Do not become her pawn to tear your family apart by her hand. My advice would be to drop it. Go and get married and move on with your life. Seems like your parents have. You have. But the ow hasn't. The mere fact that she wanted you to hide this from your parents is HUGE and speaks volumes to her NON-GROWTH. It is obvious that she is manipulating you.

Drop it. Do not contact ow. Do not contact oc. Go and live your life.

Cody G:

First, so sorry your Father has put you into such an unenviable situation. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Next, Thank You, Thank You for being the Mature one in this situation.
I want to extend my personal appreciation and give you ALL the Credit you deserve <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> for reaching out to your Sister. (Or at least considering it).

Believer me its much EASIER for anyone to just NOT "go there" and get involved in any way shape or form. YOU should be applauded <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> for making this effort.
IT is a wonderful thing your doing for this person <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (who just happens to be your flesh and blood).

Please don't let something like an invitation to a wedding, make you break this contact.
(Believe me its a whole lot bigger issue to you as an adult....then it ever will be to a 5 yr old).
She'll only be too happy to meet your W later on at another time.
Your sister will be Happy & blessed just to have you involved in her life.

I do commend you for telling your parents what is going on. That WAS the right move.
Secrets and deception are what lead you all to this place. So once again great move on your part in be responsible and Doing the Right thing.

IMO the OW is Not attempting to get back into your fathers life. She simply wants her D to know the people she is related too. (You know, we CAN pick our friends but NOT our relatives).

Of course if she "proves" otherwise....then you may have to make some decisions at that point.
However, DON'T go making your Decisions on pure "speculation" and all the "what if's" that seem to be flying in your direction.

As too her methods....while unfortunate (and IMO should have been handled differently) ...they are not that unreasonable considering your parents Attitude towards her and your sister.
She most likely wanted you to form your own opinion about your sister BEFORE you got the expected negativity that she was sadly correct in assuming would come.

I understand the tone and the "vibe" of the majority of the posters here. The pain is real and valid.
However, they are for the most part BW, who don't fit into the role that you do.

I'm not saying they don't have valid concerns....only that their take on the situation is Very different then a siblings.
As a brother, the usual "the A will resume if contact" concerns just aren't there.

MY perspective (history) on this;
I have a sister (I don't like when EVERYONE Else insists half/sister) that came as a result of my fathers A. He eventually married this OW, but then cheated on her as well and married his next OW.
Needless to say I am disgusted by HIS behavior. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

However, my Sister (and she is that) was never guilty of anything except association.
So I do have a relationship with her. [I was about 13 when she was born].
NO, we are not Super close.....but we do see each other 4-5 times a year.
We are family and do know each other.

On the other hand, my dad is estranged from my Other sister, my OC sister and myself. (My brother is the ONLY one that has any real contact with him or his side of the family).
Reason for distance from other family members on HIS side is that they ALL helped him in is infidelity.
Either by out right hiding and lying....or by showing and voicing support. Pleeese!

My personal last straw with my dad came when we were all hanging out at his shop with a bunch of his friends and maybe a few relatives.
As men do, the subject of my mom and their past relationship came around (as some of these men didn't know me or who I was).
So here my dad starts bragging and going into long stories about his A and how he got away with this and that....of course this just got everyone laughing and joking ....(puke)!

It took everything I had to not beat the sh*t out of him there and then.
I always hated what my dad had done to us all, but this outright "bragging" both humiliated and angered me. I had always know what had happend but I had never really know how HE felt about it all. I must have been around 22 yrs old then.

In any case, I wrote him some letters and talked to him a few times after that.
Sad thing is he thinks he is a "man's man" and isn't doing anything really wrong.

As a result, I have not seen my dad in many years. I do send him cards and a Christmas catch up letter every year, but that's about it.
His unrepetitive attitude I just cannot/willNOT accept in MY life or the lives of my children.

My sister on the other hand is a wonderful person.
If I had listened to everyone else....I would never KNOW that for Myself .
Indeed, I have done what I can to help her in her education and in life.
Being at her wedding....was something I'll NEVER forget....and you'll kick yourself later if you DO. Seeing her graduate was also very special.
But having that Bond from when SHE was a child is just something that formed as an adult relationship can never replace.

Oh, by the way...her mother NEVER caused me one problem in my life. In fact, she's always went out of her way to be friendly towards myself and my other brother and sister.
We've ALL chosen to get beyond the past..... as non of us are who we used to be.

Also keep in mind that I had a relationship with my sister Before any of this "other" stuff went down with my dad. My relationship with Her had nothing to do with our distance.

Back to you:
Truly, Neither YOU nor your Sister caused or are responsible for any of this.
However, you CAN take those lemons and make lemonade.
Fact is you didn't begin the story....but you DO get to write/right the ending.

YOU father has made his choice.
Rightly or wrongly he has chosen NOT to own up and face and accept his choices.
(No, $money$ has Never raised, nurtured or loved a child). Ask any adult who's been there.

To the board: [Hold your stones....its just a fact....don't blame me for pointing out the selfishness of these men. They are selfish when they have an A.....and they Continue with their selfishness when they CHOOSE to abandon the child they fathered].

Its not a coincidence that Consequences rarely are easy.

However, Agreed.. that it is their choice and they have to live with it (most compartmentilizers Can).

But that is irrelevant to a brother/sister relationship.

Cody That does NOT have to have any bearing on what YOU Choose to do.
As long as your not forcing the issue onto your parents, then live your life and bring those
into it that make your life more positive.

Like you, I can't guarantee you this contact will have a fairy tale ending.
But neither can all the Nay sayers guarantee that it will be a disaster either.

All I do know is that once the Time HAS past, NOT You, NOT your Dad.......not anyone can get it back.
IMO its worth the chance to see if you can make this relationship work.
I encourage you to at least TRY!

If you give it an honest attempt...then at least when your older you won't have any Regrets about it.
The great part is that you just may find a wonderful person who may fill some part in your life. This relationship is just as much about YOU as it is that little girl.

Don't find your self crying (with your sister) years from now about all the memories that you wasted & missed out on because of fear.

Cody you don't have the same "baggage" going into this that your father or mother do.
They apparently can't handle it. That's OK, and their right.
But you have the Right and frankly your sister has the right .....for the 2 of you to have the opportunity to know one another.

Yes its true, as you are the adult....the bulk of the burden does fall on you at this time.
But our lives are Long, and you don't know what your sister could bring to your life........or what you will be missing or giving up if you don't pursue this.

Please don't let Fear STOP you from doing what you know inside is the right thing for you.
(Otherwise you wouldn't even be asking).
Yes, it is complicated. Yes, it will be awkward at first. Unfortunately, that's just life.
Change and new situations are always scary and uncomfortable. But Nothing ventured..Nothing gained.

I say pray and contemplate this decision.
Ultimately, it is of course YOUR choice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Just remember that The enemy loves to destroy families. This is your chance to bring some healing to others poor choices.

Please just think about it.
Wishing you success!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

top rope,

You put on a very good case about why contact between my sister and I would be good but my circumstances are very different from yours. The OW in my case is a total psycho (at least used to be). She made my parents life hell all because dad refused to divorce mom and marry her. It's not that my parents could not handle contact it's that the OW made it impossible. Sure dad could have stayed in court until she was 18 to enforce his rights but what kind of life is that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> That's no way to live. He was willing to give it a chance but the OW would not let it happen. She is solely responsible for my sister not having a father in her life.

It's crossed my mind that she seriously regrets what she has done and might want to use me as a bridge so her daughter will have a father and also a brother in her life.

I am going to give OW a chance to tell me what she wants to happen in the future. I am going to lay it all out there and I tell her my concerns about her trying to manipulate the situation. I want no room for future misunderstandings. I will be very blunt.

I do want a relationship with my sister and if it can happen I will be thrilled but I am going to proceed VERY slowly and with caution. I won't let my guard down. I will not give the OW the benefit of the doubt on anything. Only time will tell if she is sincere or not. And if she's not well she will have to live with that and face OC when she finds out that her father and brother wanted to be in her life and her mother interfered with that.

Ok this entire thread's 'logic' has just gone DOWN the toilet into idiocy!

How would your 'sister' be hurt by NOT being invited to your upcoming wedding when she does NOT even know you------she is a stranger! & she's 4-----just don't tell her & then she will never know & never be hurt!
***************
***************

Your dad DID try to form a relationship w/ OC & her OW/mom tried to disrupt that & hurt your own mother AND you!

I'm sorry but where are your loyalties?

I think this is disgusting. Your parents that raised & loved you--yes your dad messed up big time & he knows it & he tried to take responsibility for it-he never denied his wrong-doing from what you have said-----

yet this OW----a stranger to you really, shows some sort of emotion-unexpectedly even & now all of a sudden you are trading in your loyalties. THIS woman was just as selfish as your father by choosing to have a baby-knowing she would be a single mom-because she selfishly chose to be involved w/ a MARRIED man, & then tries to hurt your mother even more by playing games, using the OC & trying to exclude your INNOCENT mother.

Yes, I am a BW, but so what. Let's ALL think clearly here.

WE speak from experience NOT just the pain of berayal.
*************
*************
What kind of relationship can you, @ 25 yo have w/ a 4yo? You will be getting married & creating your own family-----you would be more of a daddy type role w/ her & that would not be right. You will be creating your own family that you need to take care of.

Your parents have moved on w/ their lives, have been up front w/ you--why can't you just let it go & respect them & this situation for what it is.

It is NOT normal. What are you gonna do-have your preschool sister over for visitations? Create some form of friendly relationship w/ her mom----get to know her mom & then what? Think that OW is actually some great person after all------Get real.

She may be a great mom & all that NOW--but the fact remains that she was a selfish person & tried to hurt & destroy your family----why would you want to RISK having a person like that in your life AGAIN?

I don't get it.

It's like if you get bit by a dog (NOT to imply that OW is a dog)....are you gonna run out & play w/ that dog again in the hoopes that it won't happen, maybe the dog has changed?

This isn't a GAME. This is real life & real life is complicated & just because one path is EASIER does NOT mean that it is the WRONG path.

Beleive me-I've taken the 'harder' road-I KNOW---why continue to torture myself & my family-for what? some warped sense that this is what I am 'supposed' to do? that this is the RIGHT thing?----cry me a river!!!! My family is finally on the path to recovery & healing & I'll be the first to say------------------it's only because it IS EASIER this way! & I am proud of that fact.

Everyone has consequences---don't be sucked in by some mis-placed guilt.
**********
**********
If you want to get to know your OC sister-fine but don't do it out of some misplaced emotion. How much more of a relationship is she gonna have w/ you? Every other weekend? Get real!

OW wants you to be in OC life so that OW can be in yours----I can guarantee that your relationship w/ OC @ this age will NOT EXclude OW----think about that. What are you gonna do? ....go play family w/ OC & OW & your fiancee'?

Think about it-rationally------not over emotionally. I think your own mother deserves a lot more respect in this matter!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CodyG:
<strong> top rope,

You put on a very good case about why contact between my sister and I would be good but my circumstances are very different from yours. The OW in my case is a total psycho (at least used to be). She made my parents life hell all because dad refused to divorce mom and marry her. It's not that my parents could not handle contact it's that the OW made it impossible. Sure dad could have stayed in court until she was 18 to enforce his rights but what kind of life is that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> That's no way to live. He was willing to give it a chance but the OW would not let it happen. She is solely responsible for my sister not having a father in her life.

It's crossed my mind that she seriously regrets what she has done and might want to use me as a bridge so her daughter will have a father and also a brother in her life.

I am going to give OW a chance to tell me what she wants to happen in the future. I am going to lay it all out there and I tell her my concerns about her trying to manipulate the situation. I want no room for future misunderstandings. I will be very blunt.

I do want a relationship with my sister and if it can happen I will be thrilled but I am going to proceed VERY slowly and with caution. I won't let my guard down. I will not give the OW the benefit of the doubt on anything. Only time will tell if she is sincere or not. And if she's not well she will have to live with that and face OC when she finds out that her father and brother wanted to be in her life and her mother interfered with that. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is the right way to proceed w/ this.

Sorry if my above post sounded harsh--I didn't want you to get sucked into some thing based on some misplaced guilt. It was actually more directed @ 'others' around here.

I think you are being rightly aware of who you are dealing w/ here & are right to proceed w/ caution & slowly.

ALso...just keep in mind your parents feelings on this. They woudn very fair-minded & realistic. This is a very painful experience to have to live through so continue to be sensitive to your mom's feelings. I'm sure this was some sort of trigger for her-a reminder of a very dark & confusing time in her life.

Cody G,

First, thank you for responding.
I was only giving you my experience.
As I know others here are doing as well.
If it helps you.. then great.....and if not, then your reading it costs you nothing.

Yes, of course take things Slowly and SEE how they play out.
Haste is not your goal here.
IT is Not a sprint....it more a marathon. This is a Life Long journey we are talking about here.
Indeed, caution in this manner is not only Wise....but necessary.

Good Move! Best course is too be open and honest in your questions from the begining!
Lay it all out....right at the start.
That way there Are NO miscomunications over this delicate issue.

I chose to respond to your thread as you seemed to be being swayed by a slightly one sided view of the possible outcomes. IMO it couldn't hurt you to hear of the 3rd side of the equation.

Again, SHOULD the OW prove to be a problem or Trouble FOR YOU, then do what you must.
However, do it when it is proven with how she treats YOU.

Just as you've said... your case is Different then mine, but so TOO are the Other cases.
Some work out, some don't......those are just the odds.
But how will YOU know which category YOUR situation Falls unless you try??

Get the information, then Do what You Decide is best and appropriate.... that's all one can expect.

As far as betrayal: As long as you are up front about this...where is the betrayal?
Seeing, knowing and loving a sibling is a Betrayal??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
In fact, you stated your Mother is OK with this. So no problem there.

As I suspected, it is the original betrayer that has the "concern". (typical & not unsuspected)
If anything, its your father's misplaced guilt onto you, that is holding you back.

In addition, You've said your parents are here what? 2 x per YEAR!! (As long as your Not forcing her on them, this wouldn't affect them day to day at all).
My goodness, you'd most likely see your Sister more then your parents.
And as far as a fear of getting "involved" with the OW? That is just silly. My Goodness... we all have more faith in you then that.

I'm actually surprised it took this long for the fury to come.
Funny that someone who HAS actually walked in your shoes is an "idiot" for not taking the company line.

I have been "betrayed" on each end of my life....child and adult.
Please don't presume to act as if I'm some Troll on here.... to simply cause trouble.

Cody, I was 17/18 (when she was 4) and had and have a very REAL relationship with my sibling.
I am no "daddy"....I am her brother. A friend, mentor and example.
Of course its not a "normal" relationship (when compared to the ideal of mother/father/sister/brother of the 50's).
But this is how your (and mine) situations played out. These are the crappy times we find ourselves.

Truly, I didn't choose this.
You didn't choose it.
However, you do have to "play" out the hand you were dealt.
Of course none of it is "fair" to any of us here. But as it has been stated earlier by others, So What?
Ignoring a person or situation doesn't make them go away or any less real.

Indeed, what does the OW being "just as guilty" have to do with YOUR relationship with Your sister?
That's right, NONE.

Sorry for ANY that are having a difficult time because their H CHOSE to have a child without them.
Unfortunately, That is not mine, the OC's or Cody G's cross to bear.

Amazing that Cody is told not to let "guilt" from others make up his mind...and then the "guilt" card for his (yes, truly) innocent mother is brought up as a reason. Funny how that works [slowly shakes head].

As to the some "others" (what a nicer term), I'll not get sucked into any of the hostility shown.
Yes, we could go over it ALL point by point.......but with the emotions exhibited here Any "logic" that was referred too....wouldn't stand a chance.
(We could do it...but why?)

Going over whom is "MORE" to blame is irrelevent to your question. Has no bearing.
Point is: Niether You nor your sister IS to blame.

I was only responding to a question that I HAVE some experience with.
Didn't expect a warm response for it (and was rewarded with as much), but this was for the poster of the thread.

Sadly, I always thought that families benefited by being brought together. What is a brother or sister...but family?? Wish more thought as I do.

My story is just that..MY Story...never written to hurt....but if any taken offense(apparently)...well, I won't apologize for my experience.
Its unfortunate that yours seems to be less then you'd hoped for.
If you feel a need to fight, feel free. I'm here to help, when possible.

With that said Cody, if you are curious about any other aspect, I will respond.
Only wishing you, a positive outcome with whatever it is YOU decide. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Good luck and God bless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 18, 2004, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Actually my loyalties lie with my parents or more so my mother. If she was not fine with this I would have dropped the issue. She has never been opposed to contact. She was abondened by her bio mother and I think that might have a lot to do with it.

I also don't plan to play happy family with OW. I don't want her in my life. Given the fact I am a stranger to OC I know there will have to be some contact with OW in the beginning but eventually she will have to trust me with OC. If she doesn't then we will have a major problem. Long term, one of my expectations is that I will only have to see her at the pick up drop offs and the occassional e-mail to make arrangments for visits. If I can get OC from daycare will make it even better.

I will tell her that. She has to know that we could never be more than civil to one another. Nobody can be that dense. Besides she has said she will bend over backwards. That will be her chance to prove herself.

I hope I have clarified some issues.

The OW just e-mailed me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cody,

It has been a while since I last heard from you. I don't want to put any pressure on you but I was curious if you have given anymore thought about having a relationship with your sister. I believe with my all heart this would be a good thing for both of you.

Sincerely,

OW</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was my reply:

XXXXX has been on my mind since I saw her at the park. Before I make a final decision I need to know what you expect of me and I want to lay out my expectations. Your past behaviour gives me cause for great concern that you might try and manipulate the situation and cause trouble for my parents. I want you to know from the start that I don't trust you and that I am prepared to walk away if I sense even for a moment any manipulation on your part. Also you must realize that by me being in her life she will start asking questions about dad and might even want to meet him. How do you plan to handle that? I need you to think long and hard about the doors this will be opening. Consider the emotional impact this will have on xxxxx in the long run.

Cody

Well there is an update. I will post her response when I get it.

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: CodyG ]</small>

She is manipulating you. I have to agree with KT. Where are your loyalties? Why open up this can of worms? Let the ow and oc take their piece of the hurt pie and continue on with their lives. Your parents have theirs and you do too.

The fact that she is emailing, litereally begging is sick. I see no advantage to anyone. Even if this was your full biological sister, the age difference would not create a close sibling bond. The bond of siblings come from being raised together, shared experiences, etc. It is not just blood. Good grief. I say let this go, and move on with your life. You can't FIX the problem for anyone, you can only add to it. Plus this ow is out of line to even ask what she is. Your parents made the decision for the family, show some respect and stand by their decision. Let them live their lives in peace and quit dragging up the past.

The ow is up to something, playing games and has an agenda. It is obvious. What on earth will a 25 year old and a 4 year old going to do? Are you going to be a "daddy" to her? A babysitter? Or are you a pipeline to what is going on with your parents?

For your own good, the good of your family, drop all of this. It is just to sick.

We're back to the loyality issue again? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Mom said it was okay and dad well his wants/opinions have not carried much weight with me since I found out about his affair. I don't think I am being disloyal if mom is okay with it.

Cody, have you thought about having someone else with you, a girlfriend or friend who is a a girl? The reason I ask, but I fear that these days if you should make her angry she might accuse you of abuse of any type.
I feel awful bringing this up, but you hear of couples divorcing and accusing the father of sexual abuse to get total control or punish the parent. You mention that she was a littl off center, that you might want to protect yourself.
She could allow this relationship and then accuse you of this to hurt your parents. So just be sure you protect yourself every way possible in this situation.

Texasgirl

texasgirl,

That possibility has crossed my mind. I always planned for my fiance to be present when/if I saw OC. Believe me when I say I am keeping my guard up around the OW.

Cody, Glad to hear that. I thought you might, you sound so grounded for 25. Of course, going thru what you have with your parents, the affair and OC, kind of makes one grow up in a hurry doesn't it?
I hope for the child's sake the OW lets you all have a relationship. Have you thought it might be more parental, than a sibling relationship? I know my oldest son is 17 years older than my youngest son. The elder one tries to parent his younger brother rather than just enjoy him as his little brother.
I hope this is a positive relationship for you. Just be sure you protect yourself from the OW.

Don't mind me, I am an "earthmother". That's why I have 5 kids. I love kids. I don't know what I will do when my youngest goes to college. I do know that I will enjoy the time with my Husband, but kids have always brought me great joy. I would have adopted my H's OC if she would have let us have her, but I couldn't handle the package.

Take care. PLease let me/us know how it is going

Texasgirl

I realize your mother says she is fine with you seeing the oc. Being the loving woman she probably is, she has suffered great heartache about the affair and the oc. She has probably come to terms with it and you yourself state they are getting along fine and all is well.

What I don't understand is why you would even consider contact at all, after your parents made the decision, basesd on the OW psycho behavior to move on. I find your unfounded concern for the child (you worry about how she would feel not being invited to your wedding??) to be odd. Do you worry about what having that child at your wedding would do to your mother? Why can't she just enjoy the day as the mother of the groom, instead of having her worst nightmare shoved into her face? I understand your anger at your dad, are you sure you aren't doing this to punish him? Forcing open an embarrassing situation?

You should be enjoying this time in your life. Enjoy the planning of your wedding. Romantic walks with your bride to be.

Work on forgiving your father for creating the oc, and hurting your mother. Your mother was hurt terribly by this. It is obvious you were too, hence your anger. Why invite all this drama into your life? For that matter, the oc's life?. How are you going to be a brother to her? Do what with her?


Like stated above, be wary to what the ow will try to pull. If you had oc at your wedding, who were you planning on having her sit with? The OW? Your mother? How are you going to talk about being siblings when your parents do not want contact, for VERY VALID REASONS? Are you going to tell her what a great dad he was to you? Are you going to sit back in the future when she tells you what a coward he was for "abandoning her" or how evil the BW is for not letting him see her? Or do you defend your parents and tell her how psycho her mother is? How can you be a brother here?

What I don't understand is what is the point? Remember, what may be best for the oc may not be what is best for others. Your mother does not deserve to have that wound ripped open again.

I will say it again, had the ow wanted a family intact for her child, she should not be out having babies with married men. Your father is well within his right to walk away. As long as he is paying child support, the child is not abandoned. He hurt his wife and his choice to have peace in his life without the ow drama is his right.

How would you like it, if at your wedding, your parents bring in your old girlfriend and treat your wife terribly? How would you like it if your mother walked your old girlfreind around, telling everyone who she is, and how much she cares about her? How would your wife feel? It would be a mean and hurtfull thing to do. Even though she meant no harm and was just inviting a friend, etc. You can justify it all you want, color it with pretty words of "what is right" yada yada yada. Bottom line is you will hurt your mother. And for what?

Stand by your family and respect them. They have been through enough. You sound like a great young man with a good future. Go and live it. Quit opening up your mothers wounds. Afterall, she was the one hurt here.

Go and enjoy your finance and leave the past in the past. Enjoy being young and in love. Enjoy the time together!! Learn from the mistakes of your parents and vow to not repeat them. Cherish your bride to be!! Be happy! Love her. But please, let all the drama stay in the past. OW will love and raise oc. Ow family will love oc. Oc will be fine. Let peace prevail here!!

Best of luck to you!!! You sound like a nice young man.

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: LynnG ]</small>

Cody

I can understand why you would want contact with OC. The exOW in my case was/still is pysco. Damaging our property etc..., H spent a ton of money we didn't have fighting for contact in the end to just say forget it becasue her antics were affecting our children. If one of my children decided to be apart of OC's life I would not feel betrayed by them. They have a right to seek out a relationship with their half sibling if they choose too. No offense to anyone else jmho.

Unsure

PS- Please keep your guard up with exOW do not let it down no matter what.

I've read your post and can tell your very sincere. As a mother of 4 children with two of them being adopted, I want to tell you to be very careful and really think this through.

My children 5, 6 I feel are too young to understand they did not come from my womb. My 6 year old knows and we are not hiding the fact that they are adopted, however they are two young to say how much they need to know.

What i'm trying to say is that it would be very confusing for them right now. As they mature a bit we can offer more information bits a time. When "they" decide to know more then we can help them.

Children are just like us , they get stressed, they hurt and it's hard for them to vocalize there feelings.

Continue to get a feel for the OW, get pictures and updates then when she's a little older and ready be her brother, not half, not adopted , just her brother.

Her mother may have already told her things so this may not be an option, just be careful. Your sister is a child let her enjoy it as much as possible!

take care
Lori

LynnG,

I find it very hard to explain and I know its hard for you to understand but I felt such a strong connection with the OC. I can't make those feelings go away. Believe me I wish I could. I think letting the OW back in our lives even on a limited basis is madness. I think I should have my own head examined by a professional for even considering this. Maybe I am selfish for wanting to know OC. I don't know what I will do with her if I see her. I am not a kid person. I could take her to the zoo or park. I thought it would be cruel for her to be in my life and not invite her to my wedding. Really I have not thought it through. I don't want my mother to be embarrassed or have OC rubbed in her face on my wedding day.

I am not doing this to punish dad. I am so passed that. I felt mom let dad off too easy so I made him miserable for her. In the process I made myself miserable and that accomplished nothing. I am not going down that road again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Continue to get a feel for the OW, get pictures and updates then when she's a little older and ready be her brother, not half, not adopted , just her brother.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been leaning toward that. Contact might be in her best interest when she is older and can understand more what is going on. I think that is what will end up happening.

Cody,

I think that you are going about this in the correct way. You have considered your Mom's feelings on the matter, and even consulted with your parents about this new twist. I think you are heading down the right road, with taking things VERY slowly. At the age that the OC is at this point, she may not understand the full impact that this situation has on many different lives. I would suggest that you go with your gut feelings as to whether the OC should be at your wedding. How far away is the wedding date? I ask because it may be a moot point anyway, if you haven't developed much of a close relationship by then. I don't think that a 4 yr old child would be "offended" if she wasn't invited to the wedding at this time, that may or may not come later if you do develope a relationship with her. But, it could be explained to her as she gets older and may wonder, that at the time of your wedding, you were still getting to know her, "and the important thing is you are "in my life" now." Does that make sense? I hope that I was able to shed a little different light on it for you.

Tigger

Tigger,

My wedding is next summer, almost a year away. A lot can happen in a year. I don't want her to think I am ashamed of her because that is not the case anymore. I know if she did attend it would put a damper on my parents day. I am really leaning toward not starting a relationship until she is older so it could be a moot point.

Here is the response from OW. The e-mail went into my bulk folder and I did not notice it until yesterday.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cody,

I don’t want to cause any trouble. When I think about my past actions I cringe. I am not that person anymore. All I want is for you to have a relationship with your sister.

XXXX has asked me where her daddy is. I told her it was a very long story and that I would tell her when she was older and that he loved her very much. That explanation was enough for her but I don’t think it will be for long. I have never talked negatively about XXXX to her. I know you will find that hard to believe.

It’s my opinion as her mother that having you in her life would be a very good thing. I don’t see how having a brother in her life can harm her emotionally. Cody if your parents want to have contact with XXXX I will not stand in the way. The more people that XXXX has in her life to love her the better. I wish I came to that realization when XXXX was a baby. This can work Cody if you will only give it a chance.

Sincerely,

OW</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">