Ok,now that I got your attention here goes. She wants to come over to see the babies room and get to know me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She wants to feel comfortable with starting the visits. I know its not my job to make her feel comfortable and not really my place as the BS. BUT, I feel as a mother myself, I can see this reasoning. Oh I'm not cooking dinner! Just kidding about that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> My thing has anyone else done this? Did it go well? And if not why? Everyone knows here that we want and will do contact. Papers are in the works, which she wants to talk about too. I am a supporter of C when possible and do not see why it cant be done for these childern that did not ask for what they are having to live. As long as the anger is gone and forgivness is sincere and we adults act as such. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I think it can be done and done right. And do you think C is better when it starts out from the start or waiting? My M is growing stronger, not perfect, never will be, but H is making an effort to do everything we have agreed upon. So what do ya think.

Hi,

If it is to make things run smoother, I am all for it. I would talk with my OW in a heartbeat and be very nice to her if it would save my marriage. You and husband is what matters. Just make sure your husband is in perfect agreement with the arrangement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh and would like to add. As far as a MB concept. I think if people are in agrreement from the start about C, then making this work is part of my poja and his. To put me first and for me to welcome a part of him into our family.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Boy that's a loaded one!!!!!!!!!!!!

hmmm - let me think how I would feel. Ok - personally I think NO coming to dinner or see baby's room. Why - - it's your house as a couple and what's in it and how you decorate is none of her business. She's invaded your life already. I say keep contact pleasant (or as pleasant as a difficult situation can be) and in a sense treated like a business relationship. I would wonder about ulterior motive - yes still and yes no matter how she appears to have gotten over it. Keep her at a distance. IMO - (and you have to realize and that it is my opinion and don't get yourself in a twit because I said it) - I think you're trying overly hard to please. Make sense? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Sunny,

I think InaNutshell has a point. You really don't want her invading your territory. Maybe you can meet her as requested but at a neutral spot such as McDonald's or something. Make sure this is agreed on by your husband.

Well actually she has already invaded my territory by sleeping w/ H, even though we where seperated, but no matter. I know in my heart and soul that she is a mother, just as I. Not all agree w/ the fact that I give a rats behind how hard it would be to let go of a new born. But I do and I would have a hard time w/it also. Why do I care if she feels comfortable? Because the baby will since it and therefore? Makes it harder on him. I wouldn't do anything to cause him discomfort, I want to love him and God said to love and show it! If it means giving up a pc of my space, for a few hours, then so be it. Look what Christ gave up for me (US). Do I worry, heck yes! I am nervious, YOU BET YA! Will I make the best of a bad situation, YES, with the strength from God! So no, dont mind the "you got to be crazy post, or the "what tha" I just want to be an example of being grown up and do the right thing for MY, and mine alone, family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> See God is Good, and I am going to do my best, what ever it is.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Have you and your H been to HER house to see the room she has set up for the baby ?
Why not ?
Whats the difference ?

No, but when we go p/u him for visits, i'll ask. two wrongs dont make a right. I know when i'm judged, god will not weep for me!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

"I go to prepare a place, and in that place there are many manisons, so there you may be there also. I want mine on main street not in the back alley. Not to say anyone here will be there, (In the alley, I mean.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> No man, no woman is worth making him disappointed in me and my actions.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Amen, Sunny, Amen!!!!

N61, you know you can come too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

I see what you are saying sunny, but I don't think it is necessary for her to come to your home. What you have done for her baby is your business not hers. As a mother I would be concerned to, but not to the fact of not trusting your H with the baby. It does not matter what environment the baby is in it is his child too. He has the right just as she to do whatever when it is his time. So I think the visit is unnecessary why do it?

You are not here to make her comfortable, if it is his time with the baby then it is his time - She can't stop that if it is done legally She has no say in that.

So I would say no NO DINNER!

JMO - okay

JT

<small>[ October 08, 2004, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

Sunny -

Ok, what time shall I arrive?

Can we have drinks first? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I know its not my problem weither she is comfortable or not. And I dont have to do it. But me and H are as a team and we want her to be ok w/ leaving him. Yes we dont have too, legally we can tell her to kiss our behinds. Does that make us better by doing that? Not in my eyes. Why add fuel to the fire? Why not everyone compromise to put all of it behind you and go on? I shouldn't have to, but if you are truely wanting to do what is right and fair then why not? And what is best for my family is what I am doing. My D has met him and she wants to spend time w/ him. Now we can make her (ow) feel comfortable and make it easy for everyone, and get it started off right or make it harder on everyone and at the same time make the attorney's rich.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

I was going to ask the same thing as tigger, will you be invited over to see how she is caring for your H's child?


However, it's your decision on how to handle it. If you are happy with this plan, that's all that matters.

Hi Sunny,

I have to agree with JT2, I really don't think it is necessary to have her coming to your home...H is OC's parent also, and so u will be too for that matter. Honestly, I think OW is probably more curious to see your home & space more than out of concern for the OC...and this will probably get her jealous and riled up...get her to thinking what she is missing or would probably have if she were in your shoes as MM's wife. I wouldn't do it. Let her have some things to wonder about like we wonder about OW being with our H, and not ever really knowing the whole story. Why should she know and see everything??? I mean really, is she entitled to this??? I am not being mean, and I know u are trying to make this all about the OC, and comfort for all...but make sure it is really and truly comfortable for u first. I am just trying to avoid more unncessary problems arising.

Well just my 2 cents. Hope it helps.

Sunny,

As an "OW" who's 4+ years into this, I can honestly say that when it came to my little guy, it had nothing to to with the labels of xMM or BS. It was all about me being a mom and wanting to be sure my baby was well cared for. Your willingness to even consider this, much less actually doing it, goes a long way (at least with me). Were it me, it would help me to see that, regardless of OUR situation, baby will still be "treated right". For me, I notice the actions, not the words. If I saw that you had taken time and put thought into how my child would be provided for in your home, it would help put me at ease, which in turn would help a lot towards reaching the level of cooperation that needs to occur if contact is going to work.

Also, just a life perspective of mine, but if we continue to fight the battles, when does the war end? We have to pick our battles carefully, because if we fight every time there is an opportunity, it will never end. If you have the strength and faith (I mean this for all involved parties) for contact, then you're basically agreeing to all parent this one little child. OW, xMM and BS are assuming the responsibility of molding this child into an adult. The question is, what kind of adult do you want him/her to be? For my situation, we've agreed that it will be a "team" effort, for lack of a better description. We set differences aside for the sake of this child, and agree that we will do what is best for him (with regard to parenting). Yes, we still have the occasional squabble, but overall, our involvement is for Jonas' sake. We're not a part of each other's life just for the he!! of it. If we're going to invest the time and the effort, then we're going to do it right.

OB1

I found out about my stepson right before he turned 7. He is now 9 yrs old. We live 800 miles apart.
When I first found out about him and OW my H was stationed in another state. (military) when he came home for 4 days. I packed him up and our 4 kids and drove to where my stepson and his mother live. I wanted to meet him and also his mother. my family picked him up and stayed in a hotel with him. I spent a couple of hours a day with his mom talking about their 11 yr affair.
a couple of months later my stepson and his mother came to my home. (my H wasnt there he was back at his duty station) Jami (OW) stayed 3 or 4 days in my home. I wanted her to feel comfortable leaving Tylor with me for a month. I wanted Tylor to feel comfortable being left with me for a month.
We went shopping together, we did yard work together. We got to know each other. My kids got to know her and they like her. when she went to stay with my MIL and my sister for 2 weeks each. She was comfortable with the situation.
My H came home for 4 days and spent some time with Tylor and us as a family. We needed that time to bond as a family.
I also wanted his mother to see that I had accepted Tylor into my life and into my home. by getting him his own things (bed, dresser, etc.)
I think it was important to do this for Tylor. He didnt have any knowledge of me or my children until I had found out about him. I think if he had just came to me without his mom and without the chance to get to know each other before hand it would have really been a mess.
I believe C can work.
I cannot go back and change the past and erase what they did but I can make the future better and all the fighting and bickering and power struggles would only hurt the kids in the end.
I think all the kids involved in our situation are doing very well with it. Tylor is 9, our children are 11,10,10 and 6. (I also have a 23 yr old son from a previous marraige and a 27 yr old daughter in heaven). THey all know the truth.
IF all goes as we plan hopefully we will all spend Christmas together.

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 11:28 PM: Message edited by: litlone ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by litlone:
<strong>

Not sure if you remember from my few and scattered posts; but I would love nothing more than to have Sweet Pea be a part of our lives. I love children and she is a part of my H; therefore a part of me. I learned to accept the A and accepted Sweet Pea as soon as I met and held her in my arms. H and I met with Xow a couple times to visit with the baby. I didn't in any way over step my bounds even tho' I wanted to. Everything went fine the first couple of visits. She was the one to get out of line almost as soon as CS was set up and eventually stopped contact without notice.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gosh this touched me...

I remember my first visit with the baby. I jumped out of the van and ran to see this beautiful lil baby. As soon as I said Heyyyy baby....She reached out to me and immediately I fell in love. Holding her for the first time felt so comfy, like I had always had her there. Never forget Ow's face at that moment. That was the beginning of it all.

I only wanted what was best for her. Ow saw me as a threat. I thought she would see how much I truly did care by my interraction with the baby instead she became enraged. Visits after that were painful...

But thankfully we got set visitation and within the next month our new life will begin...

Really excited!! Scared yes...BUT EXCITED...

<small>[ October 08, 2004, 08:06 PM: Message edited by: SaphireBlueUs2 ]</small>