Oh and the notion of an OW coming into the FAMILY home is insane. She has no business being there. This is something I would fight in court.

Sunny,

What is your husband's position on this? Does he have an opinion either way, and what is it based on?

OB1

See, this is what I don't understand.

According to the OW theory MM is 100% responsible for the affair, 95% responsible for the pregnancy, at least 50% ( most time more ) responsible for the financial care but she has 100% control of the child and visitation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
If he decides on contact then he should have ALL the rights and responsiblities that the mother has, NO QUESTION ASKED.
This woman had an affair with a MM then expects you to prove to her that you are fit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> PLEEEAASE!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It would seem to me that she would have some proving to do about her own morals and fitness to parent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I know it isnt mandantory that sunnydale do this. But it seems to me that she has said that she wants to do this, because of the type of things she feels as a parent. In other words, she doesnt feel obligated. She is just trying to think like a parent would in this situation.
I found out that picking your battles is wise. I dont even know if she is really doing this for the other womans sake, it may be as much about protecting herself. They say keep your enemies close. You know where they stand and there are no suprises.
This also makes a visit less stressful for a baby.
Lets face it. If you choose to make the best of it and have contact with this child, Why not show the child respect by showing the mother respect, or father as the case may be.
It does not mean your a doormat. Children love their parents and it is always best to ease into thingslike this so as not to stress the children. All the children.

This is no different than my children showing om respect or his children showing me respect. Same principle and not as much for the adults as it is for the kids.Although his kids are my age, om would still insist on them showing respect. For the sake of our daughter. It is the right thing for her to see.

Dinner may not be the answer but I see no problem with letting her stop by with her child to put her mind at ease a little.

For me it would be, "H*LL Freezes Over Before I would allow the OW in my HOME"

I can understand if the mother would like to see what kind of enviroment the child is going to be in..but in this case...the father is more than capable of providing that.

I see it, as , " She trusted him enough to go to be with him...allow him to father her child... then she should trust that he can care for his child"

I would advice against any visitation from the OW...

Why would you even concider this? Your H is responsible... for that part of the care.

Sunnydale,
Let me preempt this by saying I only read the posts from page 1.

However, I think what you are doing takes courage and is admirable. It makes sense to start things off as smooth as possible. Your H's XOW is very fortunate that someone so compassionate will be assisting in the care of her newborn.

Back when my now H was initially separated, I did something similiar. I invited his then W to visit our home and see the room we had decorated for their daughter. I also wanted her to be able to see that her daughter would be in a safe, clean environment.

Legally she has no leg to stand on in so much as visiting your place to see that it is appropriate. H also has a son that is 13 and one of the things she requested is that she be able to come to our home. The judge flat out denied her request. He also denied her request that H be the only one allowed to pick-up/drop-off their son. The judge stated he would not place inconviences on the terms of H exercising his right to visitation.

I hope your H appreciates your efforts in this regard.

Good luck to you and your
family. tewjtm/femalesargeant@TOW

I could not fathom being away from my newborn baby! I would be a nervous wreck. Perhaps if you are not comfortable letting her in your home you can e-mail her pics of the nursery? A kind gesture without compremising (sp?) your "territory" ( for lack of a better word)?

when my kids were small i always scouted out places they stayedstayed at.....it was my way of making sure i felt they would be safe and clean even if it was just a friends house...

its not that i inspected sheets or anything but i also didnt want my kids sleeping all night on the floor with the animals and stuff where to some parents that would have been totally acceptable........

maybe im a loon about stuff like that but if its important to you that the mother of this child be comfortable with things then its one of those moments that she needs to be looked at as the mother of a newborn which is more than the OW....

i dont think its an unreasonable request.....it wasnt a demand, right? she wasnt nasty about it, right?

no harm done if you can ease her mind and make this situation easier on everyone.....

good luck *hugs*

I completely disagree with having the ow in your home. Your lives and marriage are none of her business. She has no right to even consider this. What a selfish manipulative shrew you are dealing with.

If you and your husband are going for contact, DO IT LEGALLY. PERIOD. There is no way around this. He has just as much right to that child as she does. Just as he can't tell her what to do on her time, she can't tell him what to do on his.

When you have oc in your home, that is your time to bond with oc and make oc feel safe and secure. If ow is insecure, to bad. That is not your problem to fix. I know your marriage is in a good place, and you feel good. But you allow this woman an inch and she will take a mile. You and he owe her nothing.

No way do you allow her such an intrusion, such a show of disrespect to you and your home. What on earth does your attorney say? Good grief, you are setting precedence here. The courts will wonder why you needed to be checked out. Is your husband cool with this?

Sunny, Sunny, Sunny, did you get hit in the head over the weekend?

DO NOT ALLOW HER ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR HOME. None of her business.

Once again, had she so much concern for the welfare of this child, she would not be having it with a married man.

Show your marriage and your home the respect it deserves. Keep her out.

You can be kind and loving to oc and make oc feel safe and loved. OC matters here, not ow.

You are risking another affair by having OW in your home. I think it is nutz to do that. Unless you are going for polygamy, then keep her AWAY from your precious family with the child, as much as possible. Your husband is going to see her in YOUR home and it will do something to his head. It could start him wanting to make love with her again!

Well I can see everyone had a time w/ my post. But I thought I would make it interesting while I was on vacation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> To let everyone know she did come over and it went well. I was overjoyed to see the baby and my D was excited too. We kept the conversation to what, when, how much, feedings ect. We kept it "nice" and to the point. She liked the room, who wouldn't its pretty cool! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I was pretty comfortable with it. She was alittle on edge. But I appriecate everyones comments and suggestions. This was something that H and I talked about and aggreed upon. Which to me was working on getting past and getting on with our lives as a family and incorporating the baby into it. H was more can we say uncaring to her and her need to come over than I was. As far as the legal aspect of everything, we are working to keep everything civil and cover all the basis and all the age group requirements. Yes we could have the attorney's do all of this, if we wanted to and we are very ready to go ahead a fight for our rights to have him in our lives. But to me this just makes it harder on him and my D if we are all fighting. It was hard for her to come over also. She realized that it was my home, my family and yes she is about to have to share her son with his father. sister and stepmom. As a mother I know who she feels w/ my first D and her father and step mom. But it was the first step in healing for my family as well as for her also. So no we didn't fight, NO my H didn't delvelope is feelings back for her, NO I didn't poison her. And yes healing and moving on feels great! And the main reason I posted this in the first place is because I know in my heart the right things done in a bad situtaion can come w/ a sense of peace.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D
Delighted to be back on the web
Delighted that I can pray and forgive my enemies
Delighted that God and him alone can do anything with me, my life and my heart
Delighted that I have such a good group to come and talk with.

Very Well Done!

Very proud of you Sunny--good job girlie.

Praying for you and really look up to you and your healing marriage.

I'm happy it worked for you Sunny. I only wish it would work that way in my situation. This not moving forward is about to send me to the nutfarm!!

Sunny your an inspriation of forgivness and showing by an example. I'm sincerly hopeing this all works out for all of you. Keep your faith <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Bless you for your Faith Sunny. Good job.

I think this works for you Sunny because it's completely in the context of POJA something which is intended to improve YOUR marriage.

I think it is disingenuous for an OW to say to you, Sunny, as you struggle to recover YOUR marriage.... "I did something similar" .... when the gesture OW is refering to was in the context of purposely breaking up someone elses marriage.

This is a marriage support site.

If OW hold an opinion that it is the same thing to show a betrayed wife the bed her child will be sleeping in as a result of adultery ... I must object to the comparrison.

Sunny is marriage building, not promoting adultery as a means that justifies the end.

Exposing children to an adulterous lifestyle as if it were a good thing, is wrong.

Regards.

Pep

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hopefully all will stay well. It's hard to say how OW really took the visit, and will she turn out to be like the OW in CodyG's situation? Will she think on it, get jealous over your living situation, and want to make waves?

Only time will tell...

Pep, I agree raising children to just accept an A is wrong. They should have to exposed to it AT ALL. My D knows and she attends S/S and things at church on a regular basis. They KNOW the 10 commandments and her feelings and actions (as she grows older) We will have to deal with. Just like Lynn, my D has a right to her opition, her feelings and her disapproval for her father and her resentment towards him. That's why it is a "life time" thing. It doesn't go away if you choose nc, or the oc grows up and moves on, because some how some way it will come up again and again. Reguardless of the example my H has shown her, I will show her an example of forgiveness and to have an open heart to others around her that are not as fortunate to have what she has. She has a mother and father that are not perfect and that love and trust in God you cant fail, no matter which road he leads me down. And sometimes traveling down the roads we are on we need to stop and listen to what he is telling and teaching us. Just because he is teaching me to forgive, I dont think he expects me to forget. You dont trust your enemies, you can forgive them and pray for them and thats what I am learning to do. Does it help in my life time commitment to my M and family, you bet, I am all I can be, and that makes me a better person, christian and ispiration to those who are not there yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Sunny - U go girl!

Gotta love your faith & I do!

Love ya!

Originally posted by sunnydale:
Pep, I agree raising children to just accept an A is wrong. They should have to exposed to it AT ALL.

I wasn't refering to your situation Sunny...YOU are doing this as part of marriage recovery.

I was offended by TEWJTM (which stands for ---> the end will justify the means) who, as the OW in an ongoing affair, invited the MM's wife and child into TEWJTM's home .... a home with adultery on display as an acceptable lifestyle.

She is using your kind gesture to justify her own behaviors, which I think are too completely different to be compared.

Pep