Hello,
I am very new to this forum and am not sure where to start or if I even belong here. I will tell my story and let others decide.

I had been dating my then boyfriend for 4 years. We broke up for 5 or 6 months then got back togethr. We have now been together for 9 years and are engaged to be married soon.

During the breakup period, he started a casual relationship with another woman. When we got back together we agreed to resume a monogamous relationship. Little did I know that he would continue to have this affair on the side for almost 3 years! At the time I was totally oblivious. Looking back I now recognize all of the signs. Leaving the room to talk on the phone, locking his cell phone, abruptly closing out a window on the computer when I entered the room, etc. etc.

When he finally confessed to the affair, the baby he made with the OW was already 2 weeks old. Everything else is a blur. I can't seem to remember certain periods of conversation with him. I tried to take my own life. He felt so guilty that he tried to take his own life. I had to drop out of school (working on my Masters) because it was emotionally debilitating for me. He gave me full disclosure, or so I thought!

I have recently found out that he brought the OW to his fathers house and his brothers and sister all met her. They knew about what he was doing and didn't say anything. I also found out that she paid for at least 3 vacations that they went on together. Also recently found pictures stashed away of him and the OW on vacation along with his brother and wife. It's like his family is SICK or something.

I have also been having problems with the OW. Since the pregnancy, my now fiance has tried everything he can to distance himself from her. He doesn't call unless it's about the baby, but she calls constantly (sometimes 20 times in a row)! She texts all the time and has even tried to seduce him with lingerie. She has even tried to put something in his drink to knock him out so that she could try to get pregnant again! She has also broken into his house and physically attacked him (all the while he is holding a gun and she is holding the baby)!

I am an emotional wreck and constantly feel like I wasn't good enough for him. I still dont trust him fully and this is why I keep pushing back the wedding date.

Also, I don't know how to handle this baby. I need help, but feel like I am all alone with a unique set of circumstances. Please help!! My health is being affected by all this turmoil!!

Angel,
The first thing you should do is start your own thread in the forum here. General Questions II gets the most traffic, but the pregnancy/child forum is probably the most appropriate. Either way, you should get much better support and advice if you have your own thread.

That being said, I'm very sorry for the heartache that you are experiencing. I noticed you said that he has tried to distance himself from the OW, but how can that happen? As the child's father, he will be tied to her for life. We preach no contact (NC) with the affair partner for life, but you will not be able to achieve that. If you had been married and had children of your own, I'm sure you would receive lots of suggestions on how to save the marriage, but given the fact that he cheated while you were engaged, has a family that supported his infidelity, and is now tied to the OW for life, I think the advice you receive will be to run far and run fast. It may hurt to leave, but you will meet someone worthy of you. I think this is far too much baggage to start a marriage with.

Thought I'd pinned this link here so I and others could find it easier.

This link contains a State by State Chart giving the paternity presumption laws and, by footnotes, the pertinent case law and/or statute in each state for further research.

Paternity Presumption State by State

In many states your husband is deemed the father by law and the OM has no standing to contest paternity. If you are unsure about your situation, consult an attorney. Do not discuss potential paternity with any OM. Statements, emails, voice-messages and disclosed self-obtained DNA test results may be utilized by an OM to rebut the presumption in your state and give OM the right (standing) to sue you to FORCE you and your child to undergo paternity DNA testing. Be careful and know your rights. Recovery with an OC is hard enough, don't accidentally make it harder by handing the OM tools which will allow him to interlope further into your marriage.

Mr. Wondering

Before heeding the above advice, strongly consider the welfare of your child. Put yourself in the shoes of this child 15 years down the road...would YOU be upset about having your right to know your biological parent thwarted because of the mistakes of your parent? I know I would be irate.

Also, ask yourself if you and your BH are the best options for raising this child. As Mr. W points out, recovery from an affair is tough...add the affair partners child into the mix and it gets a lot tougher. Perhaps the OM would be a better choice to raise the child....perhaps adoption is the best option.

IMHO, your primary duty is not to the OM or to your BH...it is to that baby...it needs someone to take its best interests into account.

I agree very much...

Adoption IS the best option and should be seriously considered in these situations.

AND, if you are fortunate enough to live in one of the paternity presumption states you won't ever have to get the OM to sign off on it as your BH will be the presumed father. It's likely, though complicated (get legal advice), that if you keep your mouth shut, you won't have to get the bio-dad's signature in any state as he won't have time to file to establish paternity before the adoption papers are all signed off on by you and your BH and the adoption is finalized by the courts.

Adoption is the compassionate thing to do considering ONLY the childs best interest (which will be understandably difficult for you to conceive of in a still wayward selfish mindset). He/she didn't ask to be born into this mess and adoption CAN fix it.

Mr. Wondering

Did you receive my original post? I'm not sure I did it correctly.....Nobody has responded to me yet, however lovedaddy who is also a new member has been responded to.