I have hurt him by having an affair and by possibly having someone else's child. I was reading all of You Betrayed spouses of how you feel....I can't imagine the pain an affair can cause. He's retaliating, he's moving to Guatemala with a woman he met online. He says he's marrying her. Hes' doing this after 3 weeks since he found out about my affair and the child...he's marrying her. He's put a down payment on a house over there. There is nothing I can do. He wrote me an email telling me this. My pain is so overwhelming and my guilt doesn't let me breathe. Everything reminds me of him and I wish I was with him. He's said so many hurtful things like calling me a deceitful b*tch and so many worse things...I want it all to go away. I want him to love me. I want it to all be erased - I am in so much pain.

There may be a good chance he is lying ?

How could all of this be accomplished in merely 3 weeks- I mean people move REAL fast, but 3 weeks for meeting and getting married to a woman overseas.. and THEN already found and put a down payment on a house?

I hope its not true for your sake, but who knows? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

If you just decided now that you love you H .... hope its not just cause he is with another woman? Or pretending to be?

He is in EXTREME shock and hurt right now. Men react different than women. We cry and scream and mourn and act out and men??? they act peculiar and mad.. and I think his pain is in the form of anger now, and he is trying to inflict the pain back to you. ?? ..

I am sorry you are hurting, please dont give up on him. He may come around if you very carefully try to let him process this pain, and if you've lost him,it is part of the pain of adultery for all. Pray that God will make it right for the two of you, if that is his will. It may be still in time?

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

*****edited by JustUss******

This is a Marriage Building Support site!!


Any questions? Email me....

JustUss2@aol.com

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

eacl:
Gio has a point...he could be lying. You know 3 weeks is a very short time. I'm in your shoes, but have been seperated from husband 3 years. It took him over a year to get over the split (and there was no cheating) and he really did not want me, just the marriage. He maybe trying to hurt you. I know Pep will pop in here and help you with some great MB priniciple advise. I don't know what to tell you. Did you say in another thread he is abusive? IF I am wrong I am sorry in adance. But you really do need to figure out what it is you want now. How bad you want your marriage and WHY. If it's just because of this other girl, then you need re think your motives and put some pure thoughts in there about your husband. If he is abusive to you as I said I don't remmber..........well you need to really think. I hope someone like Pep or STarfish will come around to help you. Or KT, or Sunny etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">****edit*** sorry tig,,had to remove the quote.... [/qb]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, Baba2, you have come here, to the P/C section, and have basically attacked a FWW who has been abused by her H(not making excuses for her A), has had an A, but has realized her mistake and is wanting to repair the damage she did to her M. WHERE IS THAT HELPING HER OR ANYONE?!?! Did you go back and read her FIRST post that explains her situation? How she wants to rebuild her M? Just because she had an A, does that condemn her for life?

I can't go back and read your first posts, so I don't know your situation, but you came out guns blazing when this person is looking for HELP to repair the damage she caused! If you have been the victim of infidelity, then maybe you can offer some help on how you, as a BS over came the pain, and maybe help incourage her in how she should react to this latest news. If you have NOT experienced the pain of infidelity, please don't judge someone who is asking for forgiveness and for ways to fix what she has done.

I have been on BOTH sides of the infidelity coin, and even have the OC, but my H has forgiven me and we have worked and are working our problems out. It's not an easy thing, but it is do-able. Oh and as for your comment about love, I did love my H during my A, but when you are in the A, things are very foggy, and you get caught up in the fantasy of things. Basically, it has TONS to do with the love bank accounts. If you don't know what I'm talking about read up on it.

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eacl:
<strong> I have hurt him by having an affair and by possibly having someone else's child. I was reading all of You Betrayed spouses of how you feel....I can't imagine the pain an affair can cause. He's retaliating, he's moving to Guatemala with a woman he met online. He says he's marrying her. Hes' doing this after 3 weeks since he found out about my affair and the child...he's marrying her. He's put a down payment on a house over there. There is nothing I can do. He wrote me an email telling me this. My pain is so overwhelming and my guilt doesn't let me breathe. Everything reminds me of him and I wish I was with him. He's said so many hurtful things like calling me a deceitful b*tch and so many worse things...I want it all to go away. I want him to love me. I want it to all be erased - I am in so much pain. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">eacl,

3 weeks is AWFULLY quick to be finding another woman that he loves, except he's only met her on line?!?! Then to have a down payment on a house in Guatemala?! He is still in the pain/anger phase of discovery! With his history of abuse both emotional and physical, that's what he's doing AGAIN! He is hurting and now he is trying to hurt you back. I truly feel that you need to go Plan B, and if he wants a D, let him do so. I know that's a hard thing to think about, but with his rage, it's scary what could happen to you or the baby.

I would call the xom and see if he would be willing to do the DNA privately. You had said in your other thread that you and xom had canceled the DNA test out of fear from reprisals from your H, right? Well, if your H doesn't know you are doing it, especially if you send a Plan B letter with no contact until the abuse is resolved, then there can be no reprisals, right? I say this because if your H is the father of the baby, and he D you, then you need to get the baby taken care of. If the xom is the father of the baby, then you can work with him on CS and visitation, if that's what you wish.

Above everything else, your H's abuse NEEDS to stop before you should go any further with your M. If he refuses to see that his treatment of you before and after your A is/was abuse, then you are safer away from him. I know that someone has already pointed you to the Q&A that dealt with abuse, but please go back and read it again! No matter if the abuse was once a day, once a week or once a month, it's still abuse, and you have been damaged from it. PLEASE take care of yourself and the baby, and work on your own forgivness. Write your Plan B letter(even ask for help on the Plan A/B section of the forum) and stick to it. It can work, but you have to try first.

Don't take this lightly, as I know you aren't, but take this time to work on yourself! I hope that I've been helpful. Keep posting!

Tigger

baba~

4 words--"View Recent Posts" option.

You state that you and your H have talked, but who is initiating contact?

.

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 05:43 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

Baba, please, I dont know why, where, or how your anger has not subsided being here this long. I dont know what your situation is, but I dont think it goes here. For you I would like to say, Look up Romans 12! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Eacl, he is hurt and rightly so. If you could look at this site and see if he fits into any of the cat, of an abuser. I dont know, only you do. Shoot, some women never realise they are w/ an abuser. Its become a way of life for them. So look here and do some reading.
Different types of abusers.

How are you feeling and how is the baby doing. You do have someone else inside you to think about. Start taking care of yourself and leave the rest of it up to God.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

d

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 05:43 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (standing up doing happy dance) Thank you B2. I would be interested in knowing your story. Please start a new topic and tell us.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by giovanna123:
<strong>

If you just decided now that you love you H .... hope its not just cause he is with another woman? Or pretending to be?

He is in EXTREME shock and hurt right now. Men react different than women. We cry and scream and mourn and act out and men??? they act peculiar and mad.. and I think his pain is in the form of anger now, and he is trying to inflict the pain back to you. ?? ..

I am sorry you are hurting, please dont give up on him. He may come around if you very carefully try to let him process this pain, and if you've lost him,it is part of the pain of adultery for all. Pray that God will make it right for the two of you, if that is his will. It may be still in time? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have never decided that I loved my husband. I always have loved him. I just thought he never loved me. I had the affair because I wanted to feel loved - I guess I went about the wrong way. He is still very angry and very verbally abusive. He keeps sending me offline messages in yahoo telling me that I'm stupid if I let the house go...that I already was wh*ring around on him not to screw up his credit too.

I'm only doing what my lawyers are advising me in regards to the house. He also says he's gonna file for bankruptcy and that's going to affect me and that that's what I get, I'm getting what I deserve. I have not tried to contact him. He sends me e-mails and instant messages telling me about this woman, making sure what he feels about her. He sent me a Spanish poem he wrote to her. He's sent me pictures of her (which I have not viewed). He's even put voice messages on my cell phone that he sent to her - she's saying how much he loves her.

He's also telling me what she says to him. She posts the instant messages taht he's sent to her. In it she says that she would never do what I did, and that I'm the typical latin woman. He's even shown her pictures of our home and she's says my house is very ethnic. He's also told me that, it's better that we have separated because we didn't click culturally. He's white and I'm mexican. He made me feel so bad - that's something I can't change.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tigger4jdt:
<strong> I truly feel that you need to go Plan B, and if he wants a D, let him do so. I know that's a hard thing to think about, but with his rage, it's scary what could happen to you or the baby.

I would call the xom and see if he would be willing to do the DNA privately. You had said in your other thread that you and xom had canceled the DNA test out of fear from reprisals from your H, right? Well, if your H doesn't know you are doing it, especially if you send a Plan B letter with no contact until the abuse is resolved, then there can be no reprisals, right? I say this because if your H is the father of the baby, and he D you, then you need to get the baby taken care of. If the xom is the father of the baby, then you can work with him on CS and visitation, if that's what you wish.

Above everything else, your H's abuse NEEDS to stop before you should go any further with your M. If he refuses to see that his treatment of you before and after your A is/was abuse, then you are safer away from him. Tigger </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to do Plan B, but he continues to post messages on my instant message and my e-mail as you have read on my previous post. I have a question about the Plan B letter. I have read Plan B and I don't see a type of letter I can write. I must be reading the wrong link. How can I implement a plan if he's unwilling? He's so hostile towards me, everything he posts is to hurt me...he's even threatened to make a website about me and my affair....it's scary...i'm so in disppair.

the other man doesn't want to do the paternity test anymore. He says after all this is over. the divorce that is. He has offered to give my baby his last name because according to him, my baby needs a father he can be proud of. I feel like both of them have failed me. I have failed myself also. Sometimes I feel my baby needs no father because of everything that is going on.

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: eacl ]</small>

eacl,

Well, I personally have never had to do Plan B, but your letter is to be more of a love letter, but with the understanding that in order to save what love you still have for your H, you NEED to have NO CONTACT until your H has recieved help for his anger/abuse issues. I know that it may seem drastic, but for your safety and the safety of your baby, you truly need to go the no contact route. Have you posted on the Plan A/B section of the discussion forum? You can get some awesome help from those who have written those types of letters, and you can even post what you think is a good letter and they can critique it and help you say what you need to say in the right way. I think that one thing in the Plan B letter needs to let him know that with this no contact, you will have to block his IM and email addys, or that you will be changing your email addy and IM.

I know that this seems backward, as you were the WS, but in your case, your H is and has been abusive, and he needs to prove that he's changed before he should be aloud back into your lives. During this time, get your life back to normal, work on yourself and your own personal issues that drove you to the A in the first place(yes, I know that your H's treatment played a big part, but you will also find many things in yourself that you need to work on) and now is the perfect time to address that in your life. Talk with your family, and see who would be willing to be the point of contact when your H has recieved the help he needs for the abuse and anger.

As for the OM, well, if your H does decide to get the D, then either your H will be paying CS for the baby, or he will fight it, in which case, you will need to have the OM take the paternity test(he may even be ordered by the judge). I would just let that part of this situation alone for now, if not forever. If your H gets the help he needs, and is able to be the gentleman that he should have been from the start, and he is willing to accept that you may never know for sure who the father of the baby is, then let it be. OM isn't pushing to be in your's or the baby's life, right? Work on fixing your M(especially if your H comes around) and worry about the problems as they come, not before they even exist. Fix your side of things, and if, heaven forbid, your H doesn't get the help and does D you, then keep what you have learned here for when you do meet the man who can be the H you deserve, and the father to the baby that the baby deserves!

I really hope that I have been of some help to you. Keep posting!

God Bless,

Tigger

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tigger4jdt:
<strong> eacl,

Have you posted on the Plan A/B section of the discussion forum? You can get some awesome help from those who have written those types of letters, and you can even post what you think is a good letter and they can critique it and help you say what you need to say in the right way. I think that one thing in the Plan B letter needs to let him know that with this no contact, you will have to block his IM and email addys, or that you will be changing your email addy and IM.


OM isn't pushing to be in your's or the baby's life, right? Work on fixing your M(especially if your H comes around) and worry about the problems as they come, not before they even exist.
God Bless,

Tigger </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I went to that section of the Plan A/B but I didn't see many posts...i will check it out again today. As of me telling him I will have no contact with him won't that anger him more..specially that we are trying to sell the home and the cars? He gets really angry and threatening when I don't respond. He tells me things like "stop acting like a b*tch and answer me, I need all these things taken care of" I had stopped talking to him for a week...I haven't posted anything but he continues...it's like he wants to torture me and feel the pain he's feeling. He has told me that the woman from Guatemala is coming on the 15th of november and she will make love to her in our bed, and she will put her clothes in my closet, and she will shower in my shower. He says he's gotten rid of all my stuff to make room for hers - until the house sells.

The other man says he wants to be a part of the baby, but he has refused to take the DNA test because of his job. Once my husband tests and it comes back that it's not my husband's he wants me to have a DNA test with him. The OM also wants me to change the baby's last name to his. He's even implied that he wants to change his first name also. I guess he just wants to be a father by name...right now he has shown no support, all he says "keep in touch and keep me posted on the situation" A week ago I, I figured he wanted to meet the baby. I told him since he hadn't met him, I could put him on the cam so that he could see him...that's when the topic of the whole name change came about. He was there for a while...then he said "well, take care of Junior (meaning my son) I gotta go watch the Red Sox game...keep in touch and keep me posted." That made me so upset because this could be his son, yet he thought the game was more important.

I told the OM that I was not gonna pressure him into having a part on the baby's life, and that if he wanted to end the relationship there it was fine with me. He however, said he wanted to be part of his life. His actions and his words are so differently. I am keeping in contact with him for the baby's sake, not for the relationship between me and him.

Because of that, I have not contacted him. I think I"m jut gonna leave it be.

<small>[ November 07, 2004, 08:09 PM: Message edited by: eacl ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eacl:
<strong> I went to that section of the Plan A/B but I didn't see many posts...i will check it out again today. (*1) As of me telling him I will have no contact with him won't that anger him more..specially that we are trying to sell the home and the cars? He gets really angry and threatening when I don't respond. He tells me things like "stop acting like a b*tch and answer me, I need all these things taken care of" I had stopped talking to him for a week...I haven't posted anything but he continues...it's like he wants to torture me and feel the pain he's feeling. (*2) He has told me that the woman from Guatemala is coming on the 15th of november and she will make love to her in our bed, and she will put her clothes in my closet, and she will shower in my shower. He says he's gotten rid of all my stuff to make room for hers - until the house sells.

(*3)The other man says he wants to be a part of the baby, but he has refused to take the DNA test because of his job. Once my husband tests and it comes back that it's not my husband's he wants me to have a DNA test with him. The OM also wants me to change the baby's last name to his. He's even implied that he wants to change his first name also. I guess he just wants to be a father by name...right now he has shown no support, all he says "keep in touch and keep me posted on the situation" A week ago I, I figured he wanted to meet the baby. I told him since he hadn't met him, I could put him on the cam so that he could see him...that's when the topic of the whole name change came about. He was there for a while...then he said "well, take care of Junior (meaning my son) I gotta go watch the Red Sox game...keep in touch and keep me posted." That made me so upset because this could be his son, yet he thought the game was more important.

I told the OM that I was not gonna pressure him into having a part on the baby's life, and that if he wanted to end the relationship there it was fine with me. He however, said he wanted to be part of his life. His actions and his words are so differently. I am keeping in contact with him for the baby's sake, not for the relationship between me and him.

Because of that, I have not contacted him. I think I"m jut gonna leave it be. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, first things first. With regard to the Plan A/B section, why don't you start a post asking for help in writing a Plan B letter. There will be people there who will be more than willing to help. If they are curious as to your situation, point them over here for your threads that explain what you have been and are going through. That way you don't have to keep repeating yourself. Just because that section looks bare doesn't mean that there won't be anyone to help you.

Now, for my numbers and *'s <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

*1) That anger is exactly what he wants you to be afraid of! He wants to scare you so bad that you will do what he wants, making your M just the same as it was before the A! You need to stand up to your H. Yes, you did hurt him, but he is STILL hurting you! Get that Plan B letter written, as a love letter, that explains that you are hurt when he treats you in that way, or says things like that, and in order to save your love and M, you need to have no contact until he can refrain from such treatment of you.(something to that effect)

*2) This is definately his pain and anger over the A pushing him to cause you the same pain that he is in. Now, he may make good on his threats, but what you've done does NOT give him free reign to do what he wishes, as it's still WRONG! This is why that Plan B letter needs to be written and your addresses changed! He needs to deal with his pain and anger, and until he can do so, and make a decision as to what he wants(divorce or rebuild). Until then, you NEED to be in no contact. Yes, it will be difficult with trying to sell the house, but is there someone near him that you can work through with a power of attorney? We sold a house in that way, and as long as things are done correctly, it is perfectly legal!

*3) For now, just don't worry about the OM! You need to concentrate on your M, and if you will be able to repair it or not. If the OM wants to know this stuff so bad, let him file for paternity, but I doubt that will happen. If he could have the A without anyone knowing, he can do a DNA test without anyone knowing that either. That stuff is NOT public knowledge unless you make it so. Let OM sit and stew about it and you take care of what is most important to you right now! Until your M is dissolved, the OM should NOT be included in any of this! You sound as if you truly want to try to repair the damage to your M, but by continuing to talk to the OM, when no one knows for sure who the baby's "father" is, is only keeping the wounds open! Work on your relationship with your H until you either reconcile or divorce. THEN and ONLY THEN should you have any further contact with the OM.

I hope that I have continued to help you with this problem. Again, post your questions about the Plan B letter on the Plan A/B forum! Get some help with your letter and get this thing going! Do your research and do it right! If your H is willing to reconcile, it WILL happen! But, don't forget, he NEEDS to learn to control his anger and stop his abuse FRIST!

God Bless!

Tigger

eacl,
You should NOT do Plan B. There are plenty of issues you need to deal with prior to even thinking of Plan B

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong> eacl,
You should NOT do Plan B. There are plenty of issues you need to deal with prior to even thinking of Plan B </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I do, I"m desperate Chris. I may look like I'm nuts right? I'm scrambiling for something - anything. I don't know what to do.

d

<small>[ November 28, 2004, 05:44 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>