</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> quote:
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They are DISGUSTED with what they have done.
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And some are so disgusted with themselves they can never forgive themselves.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm dealing with this at the moment. The affair has been over for awhile now, Nc with Xmm, but I can't seem to forgive myself for what I did. I was doing good for awhile but I am now having emotional breakdowns dealing with the guilt of what I have done to my H and family.

Actually, I think that when the betraying partner gets to the point where they are self reflecting on all the damage they have caused it is towards the end of recovery, and well on the road to the future.

Now the cat is out of the bag. There have been nasty words hurled at you, tears, anger, attorneys, talk of divorce, sleepless nights, yelling, silent treatment, etc. At some point, when things are settling down, maybe you feel safer with the state of the marriage. Some good memories have happened. The guard slowly comes down. Now you have time to totally reflect on everything........I know that my husband, about a year after all of this unfolded, was sitting with us watching TV one night. I looked over and he had this strange look on his face, like he was going to cry. I asked what was wrong and he just sobbed. After all that time of having to take care of me, and put up with all my outbursts and anger, etc. He finally had a chance to reflect on all that had transpired. He was ashamed of himself. Even more so now that it was in the past. He said he couldn't look at me without feeling a knife in his heart. His true and heartfelt remorse was bubbling out. It took a long time for him to "get over himself". The sense of shame ran deep.

Some days I would be angry at him when he would be all reflective, cause I was not feeling to sorry for him. Other days I felt bad for him and wanted him to move on, and have fun with me.

I think it is a good sign for the marriage. It means the initial rage is over, obviously some type of reconciliaiton has taken place, and now the guard can come down.

So while you can spend some time feeling horrible for what has happened, it is important to forgive yourself too and to focus on the future. This is all in your past. It is done and over with. It could be neat for your spouse to see your tears and hear your words of remorse, one more time....not because of his being upset, but because YOU are upset. It meant the world to me when that happened. Out of the blue. I think it is the final step to putting this all in the past.

So be good to yourself too. If you are trully sorry for what happened, and have been forgiven, accept that love with the intention it was given. Lean on it, count on it and thrive with it. Take his hand, and go forward, knowing that you are loved and that you will be happy and your family has moved on!!! You deserve it too you know.

Affairs are a huge devastation to a marriage. BUT they can be overcome and people live through them and thrive. So go and lay your head on his shoulder, cry and tell him how much you love him and how happy you are with him. Tell him how much he means to you!!!! Tell him what you are feeling, deep from the heart. It will make you both feel warm and fuzzy inside, and let the love take it from there!

Lynn,

I believe the same thing about ow. My fwh's exow still blames me for stealing her man and blames my h for not standing by their family. Incredible!

I think we can forgive our fws's because we know the m had problems pre-A. That is NOT an excuse for the A, but knowing you also damaged the m, even in a much less devastating way makes it easier to forgive. Our fws's also show remorse for the damage they've done, until an op shows remorse and asks for forgiveness, how can it be given?

I did not and do not know anything about what kind of person my ow is assuming she is not always vengeful and immaturely selfish. This woman does not know me. I do not understand how someone can expect another person not to be angry when they hurt a complete stranger for no other reason then they felt entitled to happiness at all cost and anyone's expense. I know she was lied to by my h, she also knew he was m'd and had children. I know she believed she was somehow in love. True love does not grow when begun on lies, dishonor, direspect, and the betrayal of others. This was more then 2yrs. ago and she still has yet to acknowledge HER betrayal. She betrayed me...another woman, wife and mother. She also betrayed my children. She betrayed herself and her child.

Until this ow owns up to her own mistakes and stops trying to blame everyone else for her behavior she will never be able to address the emotional problems she has that allowed her to rationalize such a destructive realtionship to begin with. They will not heal and run the risk of getting involved in even more self-destructive relationships and if they have an oc they will subject said child to one destructive relationship after another. I do not HATE angry, abusive (even if it's only to themselves) ow's. I pray for them and their children. I hope and pray that my h's exow gets ALOT of help, not only for herself but for my step-child.

My h is still grieving his "sins". He was constantly afraid that I would leave him, just one day realize how much of a mess he's made, how much he's hurt me and decide he is no longer worth the trouble. There have been moments that, out of sheer exasperation I felt he was turning this into one big pity party. Then came the nightmares. About a year after the A ended and we began reconciliation, he started waking up screaming, "I'm Sorry!" in his sleep. Writing this out it almost sounds childish, but I had honestly never seen my h so terrified. I mean a grown man who is always so stable and strong screaming and crying in his sleep. Who would not just want to wrap your arms around your spouse and soothe them, no matter what they did, no matter how much they hurt you. I cannot take my h's pain. I would rather have my heart cut out...again. He is not the kind of man who expresses anything that could be mistaken for weaknes well. I began to fear he was becoming suicidal for awhile.

I am so encouraged to hear this could be the end of his guilt and we could finally be on our way to putting this mess behind us.