</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are these wrong reasons? Serious question here.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think they're really lousy reasons, and I'm being completely serious.

Step back a moment, and really look at the situation. Do YOU think they're good reasons?

Surely you must know that trying to make sure the xow pays consequences, isn't exactly a good reason for establishing contact with the child. Especially when in reality, it would be the OC and ALL of the children who would IMO be paying the consequences.

Also, It may seem from the outside looking in that she's not paying any consequences. I highly doubt though that her H is jumping for joy over the fact she had an A with one of his friends, that probably produced a baby. Why would you think you and your H are paying consequences, and she and her H are not?

It's quite possible they ARE trying to protect their image, but I don't think that's a good reason to seek contact either. Ever think that by protecting their image, they're also protecting their children and the OC.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by their image being protected anyway. Don't you know a lot of the same people? Do they know your H had an A, but don't know it was with her?

If your reasons for seeking contact are to upset the apple cart that appears to be their "happy little family", and to prevent your H from sulking, then yes, I say wrong reasons.

Remember, that happy little family is the child's family too. If your H truly loves the baby, he should be thrilled that her H is stepping up to the plate, and willing to provide him a stable home, where he's not being shuffled around from home to home, all in the name of making sure xow pays consequences, and wh's rights are served.

JMHO

~ad

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Surely you must know that trying to make sure the xow pays consequences, isn't exactly a good reason for establishing contact with the child. Especially when in reality, it would be the OC and ALL of the children who would IMO be paying the consequences.

Also, It may seem from the outside looking in that she's not paying any consequences. I highly doubt though that her H is jumping for joy over the fact she had an A with one of his friends, that probably produced a baby. Why would you think you and your H are paying consequences, and she and her H are not?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As someone in this situation, people may think that I'm not paying any consequences from my actions. Xmm has no rights to the children. But believe it or not I have. With or with out H reminding of what I did, I feel my guilt for the pain I caused my family and Xmm & his W (he has no other children) It has taken me years to get over the guilt and I still deal with some issues from what I have done.

So you may not thing that the Mow isn't paying for her actions, she may be but you don't know about it.

Well before you go start defending the OW, let me just tell you that although I know it takes two to tango, she was pg w/my H's child in Aug of 2003 and had an abortion. Her and her H practiced the "rhythm method" and managed to not get pregnant since the birth of their daughter 4 years ago so obviously she knew her cycles and knew when she was fertile and when she was not. How coincidental that she got pregnant not once but TWICE by my H in the period of 3 months. The second pregnancy happened after I found out I was pregnant (if you look at my bio you will see we have babies 3 weeks apart). Totally makes me wonder if she did it on purpose. And after the birth of the OC she pitted my H against hers by saying that her H wasn't paying any attention to the baby, wouldn't hold him, wasn't being a father, blah blah blah, just trying to fuel the fire that my H already had burning. She told my H one day after the baby was born that she wanted to see him and that the OC wanted to see his "daddy". Now that the A is officially over, the whole "daddy" issue has been dropped and H hasn't been allowed to visit w/OC. She'd been using OC to try to continue an A w/ my H. She's a piece of work, let me tell you. And the paternity test wasn't done behind her H's back, he knew it was coming, he knew she was asked to do it, he's known about the possibility since the day she found out she was pregnant. Yes there are quite a bit of people in our town that do know who H had an A with, and the questions/rumors about the OC are already flying high. So you people don't think the OC has a right to know who his bio father is????

Michele,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you people don't think the OC has a right to know who his bio father is????</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Different question. Yes, I do. When that information is relayed to the child is a darned good question. As of today, our 6 year old OC and his siblings know nothing about it.

I'm not sure that anyone is "defending" the OW here. Nor are some of the actions that you've posted on in "the best interests" of the child---she's apparently been acting as the typical conniving OW. But that's not what I'm concerned with---I'm wondering if your behaviors will be in the best interests of this child. From what you've posted---I'd say "no."

Goodmorning Michelle,

I'm sory I went off on a tangent earlier in the thread...the legal stuff makes me think our law writers don't have an ounce of common sense.

Anyway, I don't think anyone except ow's stand up for ow's. She probably did get pg on purpose. I know my ow did. No, there isn't any respect for a woman who would intentionally put her own child in this situation with every intention of using her own child to destroy someone else's marriage or family. It's a terrible burden to place on a child and if the child is at any time aware of the circumstances of it's birth...well, that's just plain emotional abuse. Unfortuneately, it isn't legal abuse and someone has to be the bigger person and say they will not put this child through this...that's a true parent. That doesn't mean that when the child is old enough and the adults have had a chance to heal and can make decisions that are in the child's best interest that your h and you along with ow and her h cannot sit down together and explain the situation to this child, letting know that all the adults involved love him and made decisions based on his needs.

For now, and I know it hurts, your h and you need to concentrate on the healing process. Recovery after the A takes a long time and you are fighting to keep your own family intact by meeting each challenge and addressing each issue that made your m vulnerable to an A. This takes personal growth as well as the rebuilding and growth of your relationship. The last thing you or your children need is an all out custody war.

Michele~

I'm sorry if I gave you the idea I'm defending the ow. I'm not. I mentioned the stuff about her consequences in reference to you thinking she hasn't paid any. Still it was off focus, and it certainly wasn't the point I was trying to make.

I'm trying to get you to look at your reasons for wanting contact--really examine them. Ask yourself if the motives are for good and healthy reasons. Ask yourself if they're best for the OC and ALL of the children of the two M. Ask yourself if it's best for your M.

OC knowing who his bio father is, is a separate issue altogether. That is a very personal decision, but most would advocate honesty, at a reasonable age. Finding out who his bio father is, is NOT akin to having contact though. Biology does not make a father, that's for sure.

Wishing you well with all the decisions ahead of you.

~ad

And one more point that I'd like to make....I said before that XOW and her H live a few blocks away from us. So if we didn't pursue contact w/OC and just dropped the issue as some of you suggest, are we just expected to live our lives seeing the XOW and OC on a regular basis and just pretend that nothing's happened and pretend that the OC is not my H's child? It's not going to happen. We'd have to move states away for that to happen and I don't foresee that happening anytime in the near future. It's not like XOW lives on the other side of town. We live in a town of less than 30,000 people. Like I said, our kids go to the same school. Any school function that my kids have her kids have and I end up seeing her there. And I'm a bit bitter over the fact that everyone tells us to move. Why should I have to uproot my family, children,home, leave the town that I grew up in and that I know so well, just because of this??

I suggested the move to protect your M, yourself, and your children. To give your life some peace, and way less drama.

Michele,

I would also recommend a move. I know that if you talked with one of the Harley's---they would very likely do the same.

It sounds easy but it's not that simple. And like I said, we'd have to move states away to get away from it all. Just moving a couple of towns over isn't going to solve anything. My parents live nearby, my H's parents live nearby, all of our siblings live nearby. Our house cannot be sold in the condition it's in and we don't have the $ to just fix it real quick. And I know my H, and he's not going to let this issue drop. I feel it's ultimately left up to him on what he wants to do, since it is HIS child. Granted, my feelings should and will be taken into consideration, but I refuse to make the decision because I refuse to be blamed for any heartache that may transpire on down the road. H talks about what he's already missing out in OC's life. He sees things that our daughter does (like rolling over, smiling, etc.) and he wants to be able to see OC doing the same. I can't blame him. It's his child.

Like I said, XOW really did a number on this situation by allowing my H to be the daddy at her convenience. She called him when she was in the hospital after having the baby and had him come up to visit while her H ran home to take a shower (and her H not knowing, of course). She took pics of my H holding the OC. How do you think my H feels about that?

Like I said, XOW really did a number on this situation by allowing my H to be the daddy at her convenience. She called him when she was in the hospital after having the baby and had him come up to visit while her H ran home to take a shower (and her H not knowing, of course). She took pics of my H holding the OC. How do you think my H feels about that?

Probably pretty bad. Which is exactly why people are suggesting you move. The child is only 5months old and look at all the fighting and heartache. OC needs a 2 parent household- I am not saying which household- I am just saying, you are all pawning the OC off like he or she is some kind of object or whatever. This is a person- who has to deal with what his parents did. How much harder are the adults going to make it???
You sound like you don't think your H needs to deal with the consequences. You don't want to keep him from OC because that doesn't make him feel good. You don't want to make him feel bad or make any decisions because then he might sulk. You know, he is an adult, and he slept with one of his best friend's wives. He stole something very intimate from his BF!!! and xOW stole something very intimate from you too. There ARE consequences to such behavior. Moving isn't the ideal situation for you, but hey, if you choose to stay married to someone who had an OC (and I am not saying you shouldn't), then you are one with him, and you unfortunately have to deal with the consequences with him. That may just mean moving.
It isn't that easy you say- well it doesn't sound like staying there is either.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 09:03 AM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

Michele

Sorry if you took what I said as sticking up for the Ow. I wasn't rying to do that. Just wanted to let you know that she may be suffering also (maybe?? Who knows)

Unfortunatly when children are born from affairs most of the time what is best for the child is shoved aside. It is a sad but true fact.