I came to this forum because my current H of 22 years had an affair last summer. We are now in recovery and I am working through all of the same issues so many on this forum are working through.

HOWEVER – the reason I am posting to Pregnancy/Child is because of my first marriage. My first H began his first A during our daughter's first year. It was devastating as all A’s are – after a few months he came back home – told me that he had told the OW that he came back because of our daughter. Then the bomb hit – she told him she was pregnant – hoping this would cause him to go back to her – it didn’t work. My first response was to protect the child. I didn’t want her to abort, and I didn’t want her to give “it” up for adoption – I told my H that we could adopt the baby (my daughter’s sibling) if the OW was going to do either of those things.

As it turned out, she kept the baby. It was a boy. I saw him once when he was two weeks old. My H at the time wouldn’t have anything to do with the OW or the OC. The OW didn’t contact us and I heard later she ultimately married. We, of course, divorced within two years. His addiction to women and alcohol and his disrespect for his child made me lose respect for him. He just got icky to me and divorcing him was relatively easy (by comparison to what I am going through now)


The twist in this story: My first H found out AFTER his father died, AFTER his mother died, and AFTER his son was born that he too was an “Other Child” (by the time he found this out, he and I were no longer together). His father was not his biological father; his mother had had an affair with a married man. Such convoluted history. “The sins of the father.........and all that.” When he found out he was very very upset – not even seeing that he had hurt someone else in the same way.

I have always wondered how this boy’s life turned out. When my daughter was twenty-one, I told her that she has a half brother – I told her his name and birthdate– I told her the circumstances and asked her to not try to look him up until he was old enough to handle it – and if she could avoid it, not tell him about his paternity unless he already knew. She is a very wonderful young woman (about to turn 30 soon and last November had a son of her own) and has yet to look her brother up. Her father did marry and divorce again and has two more wonderful sons who my daughter loves very much. They do not know about the “OC”.

He is 27 years old now. I hope he has done well. I hope someday he meets his siblings; they are great people as I am sure he is.
My point and my advice to all of you on the forum – the decisions and actions you make and take today live on forever and impact the lives of people yet to be born. If you can’t be honest and loving during these very difficult times, you will have to face the consequences later – and even if you don’t have to face them, some innocent person may.
Aug 12th

Wow, what an enlightening story. Thank you so much for sharing. It's interesting to hear from someone who's REALLY "been there, done that" almost 30 years later. So many of us here have no idea what our future holds and it is just amazing to see how things work out, one way or other down the road. Your'e still here, the children have survived relatively unscathed and life goes on...

I'm sorry for your current situation and I hope you can find help and healing through these forums or somewhere else. Thanks again.

Aug12, let me ask you something, please. Do you think it's better for the truth to be known (about OC and bio parents) from the get-go, seeing how your XH didn't find out until far later in life? My H's OC is 5 months old and he's trying to establish a relationship w/him against the wishes of XOW and her H.

Mechele,
Ever since my XH found out, he has been upset about it. Mostly, I think, because he didn't find out until both of his parents were gone and he couldn't ask them questions. Every so often, still, he will say "When I was Irish..." or "Before I was German.." (His father was of Irish decent and his bio-father was of German decent. This is his way of bringing it up.) He wishes he would have known. He says that it would have answered a lot of questions for him ... why his father was so hard on his mother and all of that. According to my XSister-In-Law, she knew for many many years. She told me that their mother lived in fear all of her life that my XH would find out. My H's father held it over her head all of their married life. She let him do that because she was afraid her son would hate her if he knew.

For my daughter, I wish she could have known her half brother. If he knows the truth, I wish he didn't have to live with the fact that his bio-father could have known him and help support him, and didn't. I wish he could know my daughter - his half sister - she would welcome him into her life with open arms.
So, I guess what I am saying is...the truth is always the best thing:
It would have relieved the burden my Xmother-in-law carried.
My XH's OC would have known his sister,
I wouldn't have to feel like I participated in the lie (and live with that guilt)
My XH wouldn't have had a bomb dropped on him in middle age
My XH's son may have to face this same thing if he doesn't already know.

Funny thing about the truth...it always seems to show up when you least expect it.

Aug 12th

AUg12 how bizzare. I too have a simular story. I am the xow with an oc. Xmm wishes for nc and has never seen his daughter. She is 10 months old. What is bizzare is that history played itself out full circle. Xmm was adopted at birth. His birth mother had an affair with a man and resulted in xmm. She did put him up adoption. His birth parents are wonderful to him and all but when he went to look for his birth mother everything came out. He found out more from his birth mom's sisters about his birth father. She refused to say anything about him. So yes I agree history has a way of coming back full circle. He has done the exact same thing to his daughter as his father did to him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Only difference is I did not give her up for adoption.

It's interesting to me that the things that are hidden from us in life somehow come back to haunt us. I am not in this situation, but 2 examples I can think of...is when my H and I separated (b4 A), my Dad told me what happened when he and my mom separated (they ultimately D), but the way it happened was exactly how it happened w/H and I and I had not known this b4. Also, my H recently met his 20 yr old D that was put up for adoption as a baby (and yes, he was stupid enough to father another "unexpected" child, duh!) and their stories of their teenage years were VERY similar. She didn't get pregnant, Thank Goodness, but their other "troubles" sounded identical, and obviously, she didn't know any of this b4. Bearing these stories, I think it's good to tell the children, C or NC, so MAYBE they can learn from them and not repeat them.

WEIRD. It came out during ex's A that his grandfather had OC from affair, I don't think his mom ever met her half-sister though.

Truth comes out at the stranges times indeed. I was 22 when I found out I had a half sibling. A complete stranger accidentally told me. I went on a trip to the country with my best friend and we were having tea with her aunt and grown cousin. The cousin asked me what my last name was...turns out he worked with my parents ten years earlier...and he knew about the affair my dad had with another co-worker. It came out about the child...all the while I was kicking my friend under the table trying to get her to shut up so I could pretend to know what he was talking about. Everything he said fit into memories I had of that time. But my parents dont talk about anything like that, so I never did ask. When I got pregnant I had a lot of anger towards my father (mis-directed I know) and I confronted my mother about it...she confirmed everything. I would have loved to have found my sibling but sadly my dad walked away and never looked back...I have no way of finding them.

I see how difficult it is for my father to watch me go through raising this child on my own. I hate to use the word karma but if ever there was an example of how life haunts you with your past, this is it. My anger for my father subsided, I saw it for what it was. He and I are very close and he pays special interest in my child..it must be so hard for him. I wish somedays that he would talk to me about it.

Even stranger....one night my sister and I had a few drinks and I told her..."dad has another child out there" she yeah I know, you've met her. Turns out, we have 2 half siblings, my sister and I each knew about one of them.

I guess because of my own experiences, I have a harder time with no contact...not so much for the parents but for the siblings...is it even our right to make that decision for them?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AUG12:
<strong> his disrespect for his child made me lose respect for him. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is something I often wonder about. How do you as W's deal with this issue? Or is it even an issue for you?

I could never be with a man who didn't like children or who wasn't taking responsibility in fathering ALL of his children.


Are there any BW's out there who have pushed for C because your maternal side kicked in? Are you all OKAY with knowing your H is capable of being NC with a child of his?

The way I would look at it is this: If he can leave THIS child, who's to say if we D five years down the road, that he won't do the SAME THING to the children of the marriage?! You know?

Didn't a BW in that predicament post here a while back? H went NC with OC and then NC with the BC after D?


Do you ever start to lose respect like AUG12 did?

Maybe if I didn't actually know him.

I did question H ability to just have OC outta site/outta mind.

But I also understood that it was not real for him becuase OC was just an 'idea'. OW was barely pg.......OW could have been lying for all he knew. The relationhsip ended & then they never spoke again. H didn't even know when/if OC was born.

THen when he did know.........I still thought it odd..but realistically, there is NO bond. He never met OC....never saw OC...nothing. I'm sorry but I don't beleive in some 'bond' just from the IDEA that there is a child out there w/ half your DNA.

Just like OC was not bonded w/ us just because of dna. IT took time & actual EFFORT to create a relationhship.

I think it is hard for us as women to grasp this idea becuase a child is IN our body, we are bonded the instant we see the pink line. Our heart is literally beating for our baby, our food is feeding baby, our blood is running through baby's veins. It's not like that for men. Many BW & FWH see it as a SPERM DONATION.

(JFYI--I was raised NOT by my BIO/sperm donor, so I know a little bit about that whole bonding/sperm donation type of thing. I was bonded to my DAD & biology had NOTHING to do w/ it)

Maybe some were planned but I'd say a SMALL percentage. More like whoops! this is not what I had in mind---fun's over, see ya'!

AND when we were to get involved----------there was responsibility. CS IS taking responsibility.

Women CHOOSE what kind of responsibility they are in for & so do men. Women have the right to choose how much, how long & if any responsibility they will take. Men can only choose whether to be 'involved' or not. So....that is their choice. They still must take financial responsibility whether or not they wanted another child or not.

I don't see WHY this is so hard for ANY woman to understand.

Anyhoo.....we were IN it & OW was a creep. SO I don't feel it is our fault that C ended. (from MY POV) MY first responsibility is to protect MY kids & if that means C w/ OC must end in order for them to be safe & secure.......then there you go.

Plus, it's a bit different for us becuase we keep communication via snail mail, whether OC actually gets them or not is up to OW. THere is nothing I can do about that.

H & I don't plan on getting D. So I am not worried about my kids. After what H & I have been through--------we didn't go through it just to get D 10 years later!

Of course anything can happen--------I can end up being a creep someday or something.......but I'm not planning on it. But if by some freaky chance something DID happen (for hypothetical reasons <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )& my marriage ended-I'm NOT worried about it becuase the ktbunch's relationship w/ thier dad, my H, is just that-------THIER relationship w/ HIM, & I can't control it whether we are married or not.

He will have to answer for himself & I answer for me.

That's what I think about it anyway.
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But are you being sincere CLO or just trying to 'twist' a little?


xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
kt

Yes, I was being sincere.


I'm very child-oriented and sometimes have a hard time understanding how people could not only choose to live life without children, but choose life without their own children who already exist.

Your H's aren't the only men in the world who choose this path so I'm not knocking them alone. Many men are forced into fatherhood and don't fulfull the "physical" role of parenting.

It's just hard for me to understand. As a woman, I need to respect the man I'm with (married to). It would be hard for me (personally) to respect a man who wasn't taking an active role in his child's life.


It was interesting to read that a BW (AUG12) felt that same way.

So...how did you respect XMM while you were involved in your A w/ him when he was disrespecting his W & BC?

And if you didn't respect him then why would you be in a relationship w/ him?

(I forgot if he had any BC or not & if he was 'separated' or not when you were w/ him so I am also NOT trying to 'twist')

See, I find THAT interesting as well.
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I find it perplexing that many (not all) OW lower thier personal standards by being involved w/ MM but then find it surprising that MM can turn & walk away......and suddenly are esteeming to such high standards of treatment & holding xmm to such high standards as well.

An OW can turn her back on social norms & socially acceptable morals BUT an XMM that chooses to take financial responsibility for a child he never wanted nor planned for is UNrespectable, something that our society actually ENCOURAGES legally (by enforcing CS but not emotional or physical attachment)?

I find the whole situation perplexing-----just as the idea of getting involved w/ a MM in the first place or having an A in the first place.

??????????????????????????????????????
kt

Well, xMM told me that his M was over so I really didn't feel like an "OW".

When I realized they were not going to D, I knew this would not be a person I could ever trust or be with.

Ok but why were you w/ him if he didn't respect YOU or his W enough to actually D?

From MY POV, I just don't get that. He's STILL married.

Does that NOT count for ANYthing?
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But see, me personally, I don't agree w/ premarital sex either............so maybe we are just too far apart on our views to understand each other on this????

sincerely,
kt

I don't know how to explain it.

I guess I just wanted to believe him. I did believe him for a while.


I don't know.

Did you ever ask your H if he was cheating on you and he denied it? And you believed him? And then you wonder how you could have believed him when he was lying? And then you look back and think you're stupid for believing his lies? He was just so convincing, and you had no reason to doubt that he was being truthful. But he wasn't.

I guess it's kind of like that. You trust that this person is being honest with you.

I guess it's kind of like that. You trust that this person is being honest with you.

But if the person is MARRIED that is automatically dishonest to be with him- even if he did say he was separated. Look at all the separations that DON'T lead to divorce.
No matter what he said, he did tell you he was still married, correct?

Yes, he did tell me he was married.

When I hear "Divorcing" I think of papers being filed with the court, attorney fees pending, simply a matter of time now. My parent's D took 2 years to complete so I really didn't even consider that they were going to work things out. He really led me to believe it was a done deal. By that time I was already (completely unexpectedly) pregnant.

P.S. Kt- I don't believe in NOT HAVING premarital sex! LOL! Sorry, if I'm spending "Til death do you part" with someone, they better be d@mn exciting in bed! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

When I hear "divorcing" I think of not divorced yet. Taken.
I guess that is where we differ.

Yes, I suppose everyone has their own take on that word.

Like I said, my parent's D took so long and in today's dating scene, half the people are "Divorcing".

Heck, some people are getting married the day after their D is final, that's how long it takes sometimes, you know?

All I know is that he had me hook, line and sinker.

His W even told me that he is a liar though.

I'm just the naive one that believed him.


But I have a beautiful child from it so there are no regrets.

Really, No regrets? Not even for sleeping with a MM?
I am not saying you should regret the child-
Again, I wouldn't date anyone who is "divorcing" because I would be concerned they would reconcile with their wife, or that I was a rebound.