Dr. Phil had a show on infidelity a couple of months ago and he had the perfect quote that I think all OW/OM's need to really hear and let it sink in, I don't want to "quote" because I can't remember his exact words, but it was to the effect that the only thing you TRULY know about the other person is that they are not trustworthy". They weren't honest w/their spouses, their family, with YOU, etc. And vice versa if you too are a married individual. So all this garbage that it was fate, that he or she loves you, that they want to spend the rest of their lives with you once they get rid of their spouses, you are the perfect one for them, etc. etc. etc. is like I said, nothing but garbage. You don't truly know that person, as much as you can say you do. The only thing you do know for SURE, 100% without a doubt, is that they are not trustworthy.

Sorry, just had to make that point. I think that opened my WH's ears and eyes to our situation because it's so true and he fully realized it.

I hope you don't mind my responding. This is sooooooooo true. But hindsight is 20/20, unfortunately. Since then - when trying to make someone see - REALLY SEE - the situation they're in, I've said flat out - if he really truly 100% loved you and you were his soul mate, etc. NOTHING would stop him from being with you. NOTHING. And I really believe it. If I were in this great wonderful all encompassing love ~ I'd want to shout it from the rooftops - not hide it like a dirty secret. If you need to hide it - something is wrong.

Well said Joshmom,

Every woman deserves and should want to be loved exclusively and faithfully.
She should never except anything less <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

that's why I'm still single.. LOL

Yes, Michele... it is VERY true.
I taped both of those shows...

The couple that was the focus of those 2 shows actually are members of MarriageBuilders.
Both posted mostly on GQII then the wife began posting here on Pg/C after finding out about the OW being pregnant.

I believe the quote that followed the one you posted is just as poignant..
“If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it TO you.”

I hope that they do another follow-up show soon.

Stacia

I'm with JM...hindsight and all that. Looking back that is the ONLY thing I can say about him...he isn't trustworthy. Sadly that is probably the only thing he can say about me.

The trick now is believing that I am trustworthy, as I am sure it is for many of your husbands.

damage, damage, damage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by twilight:
<strong>damage, damage, damage. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep..........& here we are trying to do damage control.

Someitmes it sux to be the responsible one!

But eventually {hopefully?} it gets to be ok-----@ least now I can buy ALL the yarn I want & there are NO complaints! LOL LOL LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Actually, yes, eventually it is all ok. Maybe NOT the way we woudl have like it but it is OK. I mean after gettign OUT of a situation liek this, GOd is still so gracious.

WHen the parties involved are repentant(sorry) & stop this destructive behavior, grace can be shown.

SO OW was stupid enough to get involved w/ a MM---God STILL blesses her w/ a child of her own.

MM was stupid enough to have A---God blesses him by allowing him to keep his marriage & family.

BW is very hurt but she is still blessed that H respects & values her even more & no longer takes her for granted as well as BW does not take ehr marriage for granted either.

THe BC are blessed w/ thier family staying together too.

ITs' not always like this for everyone & it is still painful but God IS gracious to us, even when we do not deserve it.

xxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
kt

Was this the show with Mom and Dad to 3 boys? If so the quote is:

"If s/he'll do it with you, s/he'll do it to you"

I can list off a whole slew of other quotes, cuz I have them memorized to say the least, but is that the one you are talking about?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Michele Hall:
<strong>I don't want to "quote" because I can't remember his exact words, but it was to the effect that the only thing you TRULY know about the other person is that they are not trustworthy". </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is where I become "Troll CLO".


This EXACT sentence could apply to the BS too, could it not?

Why would this be a quote for the OW/OM only?

He'll cheat on OW if they persue a relationship but he won't cheat on BW? How did you become BW?

W can trust him but an OW can't?

If the person is untrustworthy, they are untrustworthy.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


I hear what you're saying, believe me. It was echoing loud and clear in my head that I can never trust this man.

I think we all (OW's) get that loud and clear.

BECAUSE we only became BW AFTER the FACT-----------OW KNEW up front that he was being UNtrustworthy----the WIFE did not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> duh!

The OW KNOWS he is CHEATING on his WIFE (ie: married)----the W does NOT.


Yes, you're skewed logic is becoming troll-ee.

SO THEN you're gonna say....well BUT after...& you STAY w/ H,...... right?

THEN you better believe we KNOW what we might be getting into & that is why these STRONG BW set VERY clear boundaries & go to MC & IC & have specefic behavior patterns that we are NOW aware of & keep an eye out for & behavior standards that FWH MUST keep. again duh!

Believe me the TRUST is EARNED----not just given away!

I'd have NO problem letting my FWH go to be w/ OW if that is what he WANTED & if not then he PROVES it. But heck if I'm gonna be some 'thing' on the side!

xoxoxoxo
kt

CLO you are comparing apples and oranges here..

The BW does not ASSUME (most at least) once she has been ENLIGHTENED.. that her H is NEVER capable of doing this again.. ! She can heal, the M can heal-- can improve, etc.. but do you think for ONE second that the BS does not use this knowledge of his past cheating to change EVERTHING about the past marriage situation that failed? Do you think we don't trust but verify?
I personally have lots <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> of things that PROVE I am prepared to accept that this man I love COULD wind up being a serial cheater?? How do I know he is not capable again?! Most of us as the BW are NO longer giving blind trust. I am loving my H like I never did before-- and our marriage is sooo much better in the filling needs and communication areas-- YET--- I will NEVER just believe all will be fine and that he is "NEVER CAPABLE OF LYING TO ME" crap....

The OW, however, DOES have this information.. she DOES allow a man who is hurting a woman and family he has known and been committed to for a LONG time ------- to do so--- and to be with her and receive her love and honor no matter how slimey he is being!!!! So very different CLO-- how is this so twisted for you?

Not to mention, the ONLY reason most OW/OM marriages fail many times is that the TRUST and RESPECT factor are often shot to hell once the relationship settles and is not new. Insecurites and lack of respect for one another. The xMM can look at the xow and think she is not honorable like my W was....the xow can begin to look at the xmm and realize he was not what she wanted- or become highly paranoid w/trust issues... I think ANYONE can stop cheating and lying if they WANT to-- so I dont believe my H HAS TO by LAW OF NATURE cheat on me again--- no more than I believe an xow and xmm HAVE to split up for the same reason.. kwim?

KT & Gio,
I realize what you're saying and I agree with you and know that the BW does not make it easy for the WH.

My comment was to the person who started the thread and titled it "Perfect quote quote for the OW's/OM's"


AS IF WE DON'T KNOW WE CAN'T TRUST THE GUY! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

We KNOW that we can't trust him. We're not morons.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CheerfulLittleOne:
<strong> We're not morons. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ROFL! That part made me laugh............for a few reasons. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But I really want to just say:
neither are we!


xoxoxoxox
kt

I think the part that is different for the OW and BS here is that the only time OW spent with MM was when he was being Dishonest, (yes with all concerned), but that the W have spent years with this person in an honest relationship. We know the real person, the OW cannot possibly. Not to say the WS was "out of his right mind" during this time, but in a way, he was. A BS knows this person much more and all of us married folk know marriages go throughs hills and valleys (though not everyone strays), but ultimately we KNOW our husbands. An A is based on some sort of deceit and therefore, as an OW you can never really know this man, no matter what he says because he is by the nature of his actions and likely his frame of mind at the time, dishonest.

In my situation I recently told my H that the lying hurt more than the A and he said "I guess if she was someone I knew I wanted to stay with I would have told you". So there you have it. If this man was your soulmate or knew you were the "one" he would have told his wife and been with you exclusively. These men are "confused" to say the least and to say he reallly wants me and just doesn't want to lose his family is silly. He obviously had a lot more to lose than that. I think this is easier to grasp if you've been married.

I wish OW could grasp this before they become OW. You are a distraction. Yes, you are meeting some needs that the W is not, but that doesn't mean she can't and it doesn't mean you are better for him than she. It just means he's "acting out" and unsatisfied with his spouse in certain areas and should be working it out "at home" or get a D and ultimately, the OW is getting in the way.

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: colddayinJuly ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by colddayinJuly:
<strong> he said "I guess if she was someone I knew I wanted to stay with I would have told you". So there you have it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H said something along the same lines. Sad but true. When OW told him she was pg----he said it was easy & the 'decision/choice' instantaneous. WHen I asked him why, he replied that it was because he KNEW he never wanted to be w/ her & DID want to spend his life w/ me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Still confuses me as to WHY even have A then <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> .......but....nature of the beast? (A, not H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

xoxoxo
kt

H also told me something similar to that. He told me he never considered leaving me. He also says he told XOW that from the start. It was just sex, and he was not going to leave me. He said it was not that kind of relationship. (Not that it justifies it, but at the time I was having health problems that were preventing us from being sexually active for the most part.) Before I found out about OC, H had already told her that he was not leaving me, and whether I stayed w/ him or not- he would not be w/ her.