CLO You hit it squre on the head. There are two sides to this and that is a bonafide fact. And, those two sides will always have different views.

My husband is right here, by my side. I asked him to come up and read some of this, where you said there are no men. Here he is:


I do think of J***. I believe he was better off not having me in his life then and I believe that now. I was in a situation of my own creation that would not make me a good father to any of my children. Those days were difficult. I did not want a divorce and my energies were spent trying to salvage my marriage. I did not want to lose her. We met and spoke with others who were in similar positions and I did not want anything to hurt my wife and daughter anymore. I was afraid that having contact would eat away at my family and I couldn't do that to them. I loved them. What I had done was cruel and I owed them. J*** was not born yet so I was able to do everything I could think of to save my marriage. D***, who is J*** mother would not back off. She was trouble. So the decision was to let the lawyers handle her.

I can try to explain the way I think of J***. I don't think about him like I do my children. He and I have never met and most likely never will. Through attorneys and other avenues we do no some things about him, but there isn't a paternal bond. He has a good man as his father figure and that we all know. I don't know him to love him like a son. It is like periphreal. Off to the side type curiosity, for lack of a better word. He was raised across town in a normal family situation. These actions were not made lightly, infact they were disected many times. The end result being what it is.

What I did was wrong and I hurt many people. I needed to do what was right for my immediate family, for us to heal. We all do things in life we are not proud of. Having an affair was the lowest point of my life. Having a child with another woman was the biggest mistake I have ever made. But I needed to keep my family intact and trust that D*** would do right by J***

Outside of her difficult personality, we are all quite certain that she has been a decent mother to her children. Her difficulties are with me, and the other fathers of her children. She felt I treated her unfairly. I felt she got pregnant for financial gain. Her actions, early in her pregnancy and right after were not out of concern for J***, but were financially motivated. That certainly put us in a defensive mode. Laywers handled the details to protect us from constant harrassment. The picture isn't pretty. But necessary.

I am aware of my part in the harm to many lives.
That includes J***. My care, attention and time belongs with my immediate family. I forgave myself years ago. I am sure D**** has moved on also, but has a tendancy to try to gain financial advantages through her children. Her attempts at a quick financial fix are almost legandary in our area. The other two fathers of her other children are also not involved with those children. D***, Her husband, and her three children lived as a singular unit with no outside interference. That had to have been more stable for her children, then to have 3 different men visiting the children.

The difficulties of a man in my position are more then you will ever know or understand. Lynn and I have talked about this. The decisions we made were necessary for our family, they were not made lightly. They were made and we committed to our future. Never was it taken lightly by myself, my wife or my family. It was best for all concerned.


K, I'm back. See, CLO, these men are not ball-less morons. They have as much feelings as any women here. They just don't psycho analyze every situation. But I love the banter with you all! I also love to help out newbies and let them know that life goes on.

Thanks LynnG, Thanks LynnG's H, it was very nice to hear your point of view.

I don't think they (MM) are all heartless beasts. I do understand the choice of NC to protect the family, honestly, I do. I just feel bad for the children who don't know their father, whether they have a replacement in their life or not.
I feel bad for you since you don't have that bond with your child. He came to you for a reason, but I don't think it was for sacrificial purposes. (I don't think he came to earth to be fatherless so your M could become stronger). I think he's here for a bigger and better reason, but that's just hokey 'ol me.

I do feel bad for the postion xMM is in and I can only imagine the stress he has been under. I understand he's doing what is best for his family, but I don't understand how he can go through life and not know this child that he wanted so badly.

LynnG's H, you're situation is different since you were not wanting another child. My xMM wanted a child and then later went NC.

Maybe it's that old saying "Be careful what you wish for, it just may come true". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Oh well.

Regardless, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with us.

CLO- He is outside at a bonfire now, getting all stoked for his annual Super Bowl Pary...ZZZZZZZZZ
I don't think he will be cruising the MB site on a regular basis!!

He thinks we are all nuts (and that includes me too!!!) He read for a while and was like "WTF, do you (meaning women) beat every little word to death?" ..........ah, yep!

THen he says "Lynn, you are so mean to these people, WTF?" So I cry "but they are being mean to everyone too?" He laughs and says "nice hobby you got there..." Then off to his Bud Fest of getting ready for his feast tomorrow.

LOL!

That is toooo funny Lynn!

Tell him thanks for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />