</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KaylaAndy:
<strong>

You've never walked in Cody's shoes. And neither have I. And you have never walked in my shoes.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I haven't lived Cody's life, but I've been a betrayed child. I know what it's like.

And don't twist my words, I didn't say that I WILL be involved in another A. I have no idea what the future holds but I'll be d@mned if I purposely go into an A again.

I don't need your empathy, Kayla, I'm not a victim, nor is my child.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CheerfulLittleOne:
<strong> And don't twist my words, I didn't say that I WILL be involved in another A. I have no idea what the future holds but I'll be d@mned if I purposely go into an A again. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Didn't you say that you WOULD have an A again? Such as, if the opportunity presented itself?

WHAT did you mean then if not that?

Or have you changed your mind?

sincerely,
kt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ktbunch:
<strong>
He is saying that he has no sympathy for an OW---that is his position & he is entitled to it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AND he made it very clear in his first post on this thread what he thinks of cheating MM.

I think he is an equal opportunity UNsympathizer. LOL

xoxoxox
kt

No, I wouldn't purposely get involved in another A.


I must have been trolling when I said that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


I did say that I'd have a hard time turning down xMM though but I had to revise that to make Giovanna happy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ktbunch:
<strong>

I think he is an equal opportunity UNsympathizer. LOL

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL! True, but I think he's putting everyone into the same category.

My point I guess is that I don't think playing a victim helps anyone get over any situation they are in.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KaylaAndy:
<strong> CLO,

It's one thing to choose to be resilient. It's altogether another for someone to demand or expect resilience when they have no empathy for the footprints of another.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do have empathy, sympathy and compassion for others,
I'm raising an OC and you better believe my child will never say or think they were victimized. No, it's not your fault that you were born into this family but NO ONE gets to choose who their parents are, now do they?

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: CheerfulLittleOne ]</small>

Kayla, although clo was a bit aburt with you with what she said she has a point. I too feel the same way about my child. My child will grow up and have the same as my other kids and have the same opportunities as my other kids. She will be just as loved and when it's time to let her know the whole truth I will not allow her to be vitcim to this. Life could be sooooooooo much worse than what it is. She will survive this, and hopefully this will be the worst thing she will ever have to go through and experience...but in this day and age it's hard growing up. I hope you understood what I said by that and don't twist it. I want to give her the same opportunities as my other kids and she will have them. I could go on and on but I won't. I feel bad about the affair and I can seperate myself between the two. I guess it because blood does not make a daddy, but love does........KWIM?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ktbunch:
<strong> I understand what you are saying Clo & I think we are NOT giving cody enough credit here.

He has said that he is over it AND he was NOT a 'child' when all this happened w/ his father & OW, he was an adult in college. SO his only perspective is from an 'adults' POV.

He is saying that he has no sympathy for an OW---that is his position & he is entitled to it.

As far as things that happen to us as children......we all have our own way of dealing w/ things. Resilient or not, there are still some childhood scars that haunt us, some more than others.

I don't think it makes us who we are or aren't because we still have a choice but it sure can influence those choices.

xoxoxo
kt </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KT, Cody is entitled to his opinions, but the way I see it they are closed minded. They are so far from the truth of the matter. Also, just because he was an adult when he found out does not mean that he was able to take this any easier. Betrayal is Betrayal. And his dad hurt his mom. I don't know that any age that would go over good. In some ways I think it's harder for older kids to understand and accept certain things to do with there parents then it is for younger kids. I would much rather tell my child (if had too) about something like this, than my adult child. It's easier to forgive when your a child as your more innocent and child like. I see a lot of bitterness with cody and I think it has to do with his hurt towards what happen. It's easier to forgive your parents than a stranger KWIM?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by needtomoveon:
<strong> Kayla, although clo was a bit aburt with you with what she said she has a point. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks NTMO. I lack tact, but we all know that. I try. Did you see I went back and edited it to make it sound NICER? I got rid of something not-so-nice too. I'm doing better, right guys? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CLO, I'm sorry but no I did not notice, but I will go back and read it. Yes my friend you are <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CLO - most days I have moved past it; but chest pain at age 29 (before I knew the medical history implications) and then again at age 45, now that I know, feels a bit like a body-slam. Keep in mind, I just went through a treadmill test just a week ago. So far, everything looks like my mother is wrong about the identity of my father.

My mother and I have a pretty good relationship now; but we had a rough three years while I sorted out my feelings - especially the ones where she attacked my sanity to hide her secret.

I just don't think it's your place to coach someone who is an unwilling participant in this drama (OC, BC, BS) on how to be resilient. Maybe you were trolling the day you proudly stated that you'd have a relationship with another married man if the opportunity presented itself. But that statement has colored everything I've read written by you since.

If you care to recant on that position, proclaim that you've learned your lesson in participating in the busting up of one rocky troubled marriage and vow never to do it again, and then post congruently with that sentiment, maybe I can see you as a stranger with some credibility instead of that CLO who posted some very hurtful things in the past.

did you say you need all along? I will tell my daughter the truth as her age is approiate, but only then, plus knowing me I'll go to counseling first and maybe her too, just to feel it all out and all.

You aren't trying to hide a secret, or bury that secret in the mind and memory of your daughter.

I am over this. It's not bitterness I feel. Some of the threads I have read on this board just leave me in awe. That someone could be so blind/selfish and cause so much pain (fence sitting) for someone and then feel so sorry for themselves....the woe is me attitude. I am so depressed I am going to kill myself.

I read stories from these BW's who are bending over backwards to try and save their marriages and their spouses are so ungreatful. It's like they feel the BS should be glad that they are not with OP/OC and to get over it. I know it's not like that with everybody but I do see it a lot here.

I think lost71 represents most of what I cannot stand in a WS and that is why I lashed out at him. I do give him credit for trying to get help but, but, but.....I will refrain myself.

P.S. I think any normal human being would be appalled at the treatment some of the BS's receive by their WS's who have no connection to infidelity. It's not bitterness they feel it's extreme disgust that someone could treat another human being like that especially a spouse.

<small>[ February 23, 2005, 08:45 AM: Message edited by: CodyG ]</small>

Cody, unfortunately all WS's go through the same emotional turmoil that Lost is going through. All of us BS's know that...we've lived through it ourselves. He's no diff than the rest of "them" and although it's hard for people such as you and I to understand that because we could swear we would NEVER do that, it's a normal process that happens when one crosses that line. It's hard to hear, I know, believe me. I literally thought I was going to die going through it (and being pregnant at the same time when my emotions and hormones were already out of whack) but it's survivable. Lost knows what he's done is horrific and I'm sure he's now regretting making the bad choices that he's made. (at least I hope he's learned a lesson!) It seems black and white to you and I but it's all gray to him. It took me a long time to see through the eyes of my WH but I get it now and I don't ever want to be in THAT position! (nor would he EVER want to be in mine) There's lessons for all of us to learn here.

I wonder if CLO's childhood has anything to do with the A with MM and her not caring about his W or the children of the marraige.
I re read her post and it just seems to me that because the adults in her life didnt care wether she was hurt or not that, that is how she is choosing to live her life now. Only caring about herself.
Things that happen to you as a child do play a part of who you are as an adult. I was also molested as a child. So as an adult with 3 girls 10,10 and 12. I am very open with them about bounderies, about their bodies and wanting to know who they are with, what they are doing and such. I dont want my children to go thru what I did.
As for my H's affair my children know what happened. When something comes up they will ask him questions about it. He answers them honestly.
I hope that my children learn from this.
I wonder about my stepson alot. About how this is going to effect him as an adult. He is 10 now, So I know he doesnt understand it all. But what will he think and how will he feel when he is an adult.
I want him to feel loved and accepted by me. I want him to feel like he is a part of our family. He didnt chose to be born into this mess.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CheerfulLittleOne:
<strong>
I do have empathy, sympathy and compassion for others, I'm raising an OC and you better believe my child will never say or think they were victimized. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally get what you are saying here. I would bet that you are a 'thinker', on the personality scale, as opposed to a 'feeler'? Just a guess but that is how I am some of your comments indicate we think a like.

There is a time & place for everything. THere is a time for sympathy & then there comes a time when you just have to accept what life dealt you, suck it up & move on. I am not referring to you specefically KA.

For example, most of you know my oldest son (12 now) did not deal very well w/ OC in our lives. He was 9.5 yo when we met OC. He went into a depression & later, other physical symptoms of stress.

I was sympathetic towards him about it BUT there were also times when he was just being a brat & taking it out on OC or on ME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So there came a time where I point blank told him: LOOK! We are ALL in this. Sorry it happened but this is our life now. We can't change it. If you're mad, fine, angry fine, have a problem fine----GO talk to your dad about it. STOP taking it out on me or your sister. I know you didn't ask for this but neither did we. But here we are so suck it up & change your attitude. Your welcome to talk to your father about what you think & feel any time but I am not gonna let you get away w/ bad behavior just because you are hurt or angry. We are a family & that includes EVERYONE!!

I wish I could have said those words to OW sometime! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> LOL (well minus the 'family' part)

kwim?

WE ALL have to move on sometime. That does not mean that the pain instantly goes away BUT it's how we deal w/ it. We can dwell on it & get all depressed & go to sleep(become inactive), or we can acknowledge it, move on & LIVE(continue to be active).

That's what I think about it anyway.
kt

<small>[ February 23, 2005, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tylorsstepmom:
<strong> I wonder if CLO's childhood has anything to do with the A with MM and her not caring about his W or the children of the marraige.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel bad for what xMM's W went through (I don't know if his children know) but lack of concern for her current well-being is based on her actions and who she is. (Just as most BW's here judge their H's xOW based on that OW's actions).

I don't think my childhood has anything to do with the A. If you will recall, I was a BC and sided with my Betrayed Parent, and hated my Wayward Parent for years for the pain they caused.
I also was under the impression that xMM's M was over, because he led me to believe that. It was my fault for trusting him and not waiting for the D papers. If I would have thought of my Betrayed parent and recalled that pain, I would have not proceeded with the A. But I didn't.

I definitely had a warped sense of sex when I was younger. I was under the impression that men fondle women and do what they please and we accept it. The boy in my neighborhood molested me until I was around 12, and after that, the other boys in the neighborhood would do what they pleased and I didn't think I had a say in it.
I just allowed them to do whatever they wanted with me. I didn't know any different at that time.

It wasn't until I was about 20 that I got it together and understood that women DO have a say in who touches them and in what way.
I've kind of gone extreme since then. I am very particular with what man I choose to be with and I will run the show on most occasions. It's nothing for me to go years being celibate and believe me, I get offers. Sex is now on my terms.

I think that's why it's irritating that OW's get stereotyped as wh*res. I'm far from it. A man's got to work his @ss off to try to be in a relationship with me, and even then the ultimate decision is mine and half the time I don't give them the time of day if they don't meet my all around standards.

Anyway, I don't blame anything in my life now on my childhood events. Like I said before, everyone has had a rough childhood in their own way. Blaming the adults around me won't help me move on.


Kt, Yes, we probably do think alike! I'm analytical and not a "feeler".


Sorry this ended up bieng so long.