Prior to me asking my wife to marry me, she told me she had a short relationship with a woman, but hadn't gotten far into the relationship before it was ripped apart by outside circumstances, but she never expressed further feeling for women. My wife and I married six years ago, and soon after I adopted her one-year-old daughter from her previous marriage. Our marriage has been great emotionally, physically, and sexually. Since our marriage we have had two more children, which all three are now 7, 5, and 3. I admit things haven't been perfect. I have moved our family from Florida to Michigan back to Florida and finally back to Michigan because of my job, in the first three-and-a-half years of our marriage. For two of those years I was more committed to my job than my family.<P>A few weeks ago my wife started expressing that she had been trying to suppress her bi-sexual feelings for many years, but she no longer could. Originally I was O.K. with this and supported her wants and needs. I felt that this wouldn't affect our marriage, because I know she loves me. However, she rapidly fell head-over-heals for this lady. I guess the reality of it began to hit me, as jealousy and fear began to build. I finally broke down one day, and felt that she was going to have to make a choice between our family and these feelings. I just couldn't understand her situation. For several days both of us couldn't eat or sleep, and I new making her make that kind of choice was wrong. I almost destroyed our marriage that day.<P>After a couple of days thinking and soul-searching I agreed we should try having an "open marriage". I still don't know if this is the right decision, but I know we love each other and the kids, and she seem much more at ease with herself since this lady has come into her life. I am even handling it better. She is now trying to determine if she is bi or actually a lesbian. I feel she is bi, but only she can make that call. I just don't know what to do from here. Can our marriage remain in tact? Will it be the same? How will this affect the kids? I have so many questions and no answers. I would like to know how other people in this same situation have handled it and what was there outcome.<P>She says I am free to find someone outside our marriage, but I don't think I should. But I understand why she thinks that. I have committed my life to her. Everything we have done, we have done together. Neither of us have really had any "friends", other than ourselves. Maybe that is part of the problem? We have talked more in the last week then ever before, so that is good. She never complained about our sex life, but I have now found out that she felt I wanted sex too much. Maybe this can bring good to our family?<BR>

Welcome <B>jpstewart</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>You really aren't alone in this situation...<BR>One fellow "ThisAlex" posts alot and his situation is somewhat similar...<BR>You might try in your post "subject" to call upon him... or mention that question revolves around a bi-sexual mate.<P>Personally, I don't go for an "open marriage" solution... but definitely bring to up on the forum.<P>Best wishes...<P>Jim

Hi JP, I did post a reply an another thread, so did someone else (Lisa?). I don't know what happened to it, my computer has been tempermental lately.<P>I don't want to bore you and everyone else by going through it again. If you got it fine, if not post notice saying "INFO PLEASE HANORA" and I'll do it again.

Hey,,, I am from Muskegon, Mi. I live in Grand Rapids now... small world!!<p>[This message has been edited by mickey65 (edited February 12, 2000).]

I couldn't sleep so I "stopped by" and saw your posts & didn't want to wait to reply, since most likely I won't have the time tomorrow. There are several coincidences in our stories:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>Prior to me asking my wife to marry me, she told me she had a short relationship with a woman, but hadn't gotten far into the relationship before it was ripped apart by outside circumstance, but she never expressed further feeling for women….</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Don't want to offend you, but it was naïve on your part to think that women no longer attracted your wife just because "she never expressed further feeling". It is not something that people can just turn on and off as they please, also that relationship was "ripped apart by outside circumstance", so the fact that they were both W didn't have anything to do with it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>Our marriage has been great emotionally, physically, and sexually… I admit things haven't been perfect….. For two of those years I was more committed to my job than my family.….</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Probably it has been emotionally hard for her to love you and still have these feelings for W. Sexually… you mention later in your post that she complaint because you wanted too much, and yet she goes and has an affair; obviously she wanted more sex but not the type you can provide, and the fact that for a while you paid more attention to your work didn't help to reassure her.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>A few weeks ago my wife started expressing that she had been trying to suppress her bi-sexual feelings for many years, but she no longer could. Originally I was O.K. with this and supported her wants and needs. I felt that this wouldn't affect our marriage, because I know she loves me. However, she rapidly fell head-over-heals for this lady. I guess the reality of it began to hit me… I almost destroyed our marriage that day.</B><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You are brave. When she told me about her affair I felt numb, confused, she was the only person that I trusted 100% and despite of her feelings she didn't care about mine. I understand her better now, although the betrayal still hurts, I don't think it wold have made a difference it had been a "normal" affair. So… you thought it was OK if she had an affair, nor expecting that she would "fall in love" with this OW. Remember the bond between your friends and you? if you ever had a female best friend (or close to it) try to imagine what your feelings would have turned into if you had added sex- you would had felt "in love", probably not real love, but hormones play tricks with hearts.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>After a couple of days thinking and soul-searching I agreed we should try having an "open marriage"….</B><BR>So she can have the cake and eat it too? Sorry, it's a tough call and only the two of you can make it. It would require a commitment even stronger that the one you originally had (the one she broke). I honestly don't believe that this type of arrangement should be made when one of the spouses is in the midst of an affair (either straight or gay), because it requires total honesty and complete openness that neither the betrayer spouse or the betrayed one can have because of the confusion that the affair brings.<P>We have these friends in NY who have been married for over 20 years and have have all kind of EMA (gay, straight, group, one night stands- one of them, both of them- you name it) and say they're happy BUT they discussed this possibility before they getting married & also agreed to not have children. My W & I discussed this after her affair began and decided that it wouldn't work- although she is dumping me like and old rag (that's the way I used to feel) both she & I won't commit with more than one person at once & are not into "just sex" relationships- but again, she now recognizes that is not "in love" with OP and has started an on-line affair with the ex-lover. I just don't get it- if you can, please explain it to me.<P>[quote]<BR><B>She says I am free to find someone outside our marriage, but I don't think I should…. But I understand why she thinks that. I have committed my life to her. Everything we have done, we have done together. Neither of us have really had any "friends", other than ourselves. Maybe that is part of the problem? We have talked more in the last week then ever before, so that is good. She never complained about our sex life, but I have now found out that she felt I wanted sex too much. Maybe this can bring good to our family?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Yes sure. All this paragraph sound so close to my own experience that it makes me shake. Don't know, jpstewart, there's so much to learn. I'll try to post something more coherent tomorrow night (Monday) or Tuesday, I am finally falling asleep…<P>Welcome to MB!!! Stick around, hang in, and don't give up!!!<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn (but when?)