Lonelymom,<P>I'm so sorry to her that news. I know you are devastated. Everyone gave you good advice in regards to obtaining a lawyer.<P>Try to relax, I would imagine a lot of this is "lawyer talk", they are trying to scare you into folding up and giving into their demands. Your h will probably recommend using his lawyer to save money. DON'T DO IT. He retained the lawyer so who do you think he would be working for?<P>When my x went to a lawyer friend(make that x-friend) she said she just wanted a simple divorce and she didn't want much. Her lawyer floated a proposal to mine that she would accept less money if I granted liberal visitation rights and waived child support and she would waive alimony. My lawyer told me that I wouldn't have to pay her alimony because she had a good paying job and she could work full time to support herself. I was really p****d about no child support so told her no way. They then came back with the standard 50-50 split of evetything except they/lied about her income and they were playing silly games with pension.<P>My x told me later that the lawyer also tried to get her to go after half the lawn care equipt and the sporting goods because she was entitled to it. Like she needs that stuff, she lives in an aparment and hates sports. She did stick up to the lawyer and didn't ask for that stuff.<P>After our attempted reconciliation we went to my lawyer and balanced the money issuses out and had the agreement within 30 mins.<P>Also a friend of mine who was divorced 15-20 yrs ago had to admit to cruelness for reasons of the divorce. She picked him hitting her with a newspaper, so he said yes to that. I would imagine the laws have changed to the no fault laws now.<P>Hang tough, you can survive this.<P>In your other post regarding the kids and divorce. I was reading "Second Chances, Men, Women and Children a decade after divorce" by Wallerstein and Blakeslee. I haven't read it all as I had trouble getting past talk about step parents, something I never though my kids would have.<P>The other book you should consider reading is "Rebuilding when your relationship ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. It is for adults but the last page in each chapet has infor for kids.<P>You and your family are in my prayers.<P>God Bless<P>Bob <P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

lonelymom<P>I need to ask you a question.<P>How were the divorce papers delivered to you?<P>Please answer as I may have some insight for you.<P>Fingers Crossed<BR>

lonelymom--<P>My God. I'm so-so-SO sorry!! What an @#$%^&*. <P>I've worked for attorneys since the Dark Ages (roundabout there). I've seen a LOT of domestic disputes, and what works and what doesn't. Not to mention my own divorce, and watching in horror the lengths my H's Ex will go to just to cause trouble.<P>You've received excellent advice. Find that attorney well-versed in domestic law in your area, who knows the judges like the back of his/her hand. I would suggest a female attorney if possible--find a "shark lady." This will prove useful also if you're remaining in Plan A...let your attorney be the one doing the "dirty work."<P>In your response to the Petition, your attorney will ask for what is allowable by law, within the mainframe of your particular circumstances. You will appear to be the reasonable one, while your H is already painting himself the greedy cut-throat. Do not withhold visitation. I would suggest not discussing the divorce procedure with him AT ALL, at least until after you've spoken with your attorney and agree upon the "game plan." <P>Document everything. Buy a separate calendar and keep the entries factual, not emotional. <P>Change your locks. Do NOT engage in any heated arguments with him, or discuss your truest feelings around the children or anyone who might report back to him. He will be fishing for anything he can use against you.<P>I'll be praying for your strength during this, for NOW is the time to defend yourself and your children's needs. <P>Your H either has found a sharp attorney who thinks asking for the sun makes receiving half of those demands possible, or an attorney who doesn't know much about domestic law at all and is just throwing everything he's read in from the law books. YOUR attorney will be able to assess the strategy being utilized to fend them off.<P>Hang in there! Don't fall apart now! And don't forget to TAKE CARE of yourself!!!! You WILL get through this!!

Lonelymom,<BR>Your H's atty is most likely the one who put the things to sue for in your H's head. You must counter-sue him, for everything your attorney can think of. <P>We went through this too. We separated because my H was abusive, I couldn't take it anymore and called the police. He was arrested and charged with Assault with Bodily Injury. Then get this, we both filed for divorce, and he did the same thing your H did - asked for custody, child support, the house, alimony, the whole nine yards. Guess what he got - NADA. Oh yes, his grounds were Cruel and Inhumane treatment. HUH???? I filed for financial protection and to insure my son stayed where he needed to be, with a sober parent, and went through sheer agony until the judge made his decision. Be sure to get a lawyer that specializes in family law and has great credentials and a track record of winning divorce/custody cases. It will be expensive, but you've got to consider your future and your children's future.<P>Anyway to make a long story short, just because he filed for divorce DOES NOT mean you will get divorced. We have been back together for 4 1/2 months now and are both trying to repair our broken marriage. Through my faith in God, we will recover, because I KNOW it is God's will for a marriage to recover, and I truly believe that with God, NOTHING is impossible, not even healing a broken marriage when everything looks the darkest and you are looking divorce right in the face. You are in my prayers, lonelymom.

LonelyMom....<P>Women can do two things. Contrary to male belief, we can think very logically as well as emotionally. NOW is the time to use the LOGIC part of your mind.<P>GET THE LAWYER...MAKE THE NOTES OF EVERYTHING<P>If you were watching yourself in a movie as if it were some other friend...what would you be yelling at the television screen?<P>Why would you yell that? Cause you're logically thinking, not caught up with the emotion of it all. It is extremely hard to think when those emotional chemicals are so prevelant in the brain...zap them for now.<P>GET THE LAWYER...MAKE THE NOTES OF EVERYTHING<P>It's like the horror movie when you want to scream - LOOK BEHIND YOU - and of course they never do....change the script look behind you and fight back! Do the unexpected.<P>My suspicions (sp?) are that something weird is going on with your husband. Do like the other said and get an attorney that'll get a private investigator (as well as help you sue for the same this your H is suing for) to investigate more into your husbands situation. It seems very fishy to me that he'd leave on Christmas and then file for divorce on Valentines...Some say fantasy...I say possibly something else...or then maybe I've been watching too many movies eh?<P>My prayers are with you.<BR>I'll pray that God gives you the wisdom to use your brain right now and not your heart. For right now, you have NO HEART, just a brain. Use your heart when you know you've hired a 'butt-kickin' attorney that can be logic and smart for you.<P>God bless, no matter how bad things seem, remember that God can always show us someone else who is in a worse situation than we are.<P><BR>

Dana,<BR>I'm a little late here but please know that I am soooooooo sorry! <P>I have little to offer you in the way of advice that others have not. I only wish for you to know that you are in my thoughts. Please do all you can in this time of turmoil for YOU and your KIDS.<P>To answer your question "Are all lawyers this cruel, or is it possible he lied to the lawyer??" Honey, lawyers are paid to be cruel, and he has everything to gain by lying. Protect yourself accordingly. <P>Disclaimer: No disrespect meant to the lawyers out there by above comment.<P>You will get through this Dana.<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

First off, calm down. I have been there, done that route that your doing. An attorney always shoots for the moon and just because he's asking for all of that does not mean he'll get any of it! I think they start out that way asking for everything and hope to meet in the middle somewhere in regards to a settlement. It's also there way of getting more money. After all, the longer it takes you too settle the more money they make. Don't respond on your own. Get an attorney. Who are the kids living with right now? The parent that has custody up until the divorce proceedings is the one that ends up with them (unless your unfit). I would concentrate on your children before I'd worry about proving if he's having an affair or not. In most states, it doesn't matter who is having an affair or who wants out of the marriage. It all boils down to the kids and that is all the Judge cares about. Your attorney will go back asking the same things that he did. It's a common thing and nothing that you should panic about. So, calm down. You'll need your head on straight if your heading for divorce. It gets a lot harder before it gets better. But, you'll make it. Once you talk to an attorney and he answers your questions I think you'll feel some relief.

I have an appointment Friday for the attorney. Apparently this is divorce peak season. Many people decide on new years that they are divorcing. A lot of xmas problems cause divorce. So I am having a hard time getting in.<P>I found some savings bonds I can cash in. Its not much but I can at least try. I am going to try and stay calm until I get through this. It hurts, its hard and I am still in shock. <P>I don't understand what I did to cause, deserve all this. I still don't think I fall into that category of not meeting needs except that recreation thing. BUT he didn't meet hardly any of my needs. My H didn't need to do this. He could have just went for visitation, but he had to be a jerk.<P>I just don't know what else to do now.

Lonelymom,<P> YOU didn't do anything to deserve this...nothing...it's HIM not you...Remember that, you are a good and kind person who is getting a rotten deal and you need to stay strong and smart for your kids. He will wake up and be appalled at his horrific treatment of you.....We are all here for you. <P> The smartest thing I did when I went to Plan B and H was out of the house with OW was get a GOOD lawyer,....I felt so much more in control. The separation agreement, (financial arrangements set up in case of a D) shocked my H into reality. Stay strong, .....Lu

Lonelymom,<P> I just read your profile and you are in NY? I know you'll get more info from the attny. on Fri. but doesn't NY have a one year of separation law before you can D? LU

Now....you change your locks. Do it.

I only made it through page one and I had to post. So if I am repeating what others say, I am sorry. I filed first for that very reason. Although Indiana is a no-fault state, there can still be fault shown. My H is living proof. He has taken everything from me and I filed first. I asked for a lot of what he asked for and I did not get it. Besides, you have to go to a preliminary hearing first to decide all of that. The judge where I live will just grant temporary custody and such until that hearing. <P>What a jerk......my H and yours must be twins seperated at birth.<P>Don't do what I did!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just sat back.....tried not to love bust just in case he had a change of heart or came to his senses and look where it got me. NOWHERE. Now he is getting custody of the girls because I tried to be too nice. Stand up for yourself. Stand up for your children. Just because you don't want a divorce doesn't mean that you have to take this crap. <P>DON'T BE ME!!!!!!!!!<BR>Nancy<P>PS you can e-mail me if you have questions or if you want to talk<BR>Kenizanasshl @aol.com

I'm SO sorry sweetie. I agree with everyone to counter sue. However, your right, how can he sue for abandonment when he left? Sound like "mental anquish" on your part. By the way, what does your state say about suing the OW for "Alienating Your Affections". I'd ask, just in case. I do wish you much luck in confronting your S about this and making him come to agreements with you in person. You never know just what can come of it if it's more personal than JUST lawyers talking. Emotions will come out but STAY STRONG. For the kids sake I hope he will be willing to discuss this with you. It is in their best interest as well. Bless You!<P>------------------<BR>

Oh Lonleymom...<P>I don't even know what to say... I am so sorry this is happening to you. I'd do as the others say, countersue. Get an attorney FAST. He has no right doing this to you. <P>{{{{{{Dana}}}}}}}}}}<P>Oh my gosh. I just don't even know what to type. I was in such shock just to see the subject and then to see your name next to it.<P>Hang in there. You are so strong. I too, am at a loss for words. Just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. <P>purplemag...dana

Lonelymom: I would have to agree with the others, get yourself a good lawyer. You have to protect yourself and your assets. Remember, you have vested interests in both property, children etc... It sounds like it has gone beyond the "good faith" negotiations and he's declaring all out war. Now you have to look out for yourself and your children. You have been there for me and now I want to be here for you. Pick yourself up, hold your head high and let him and her know that they have awakened a sleeping giant. (a big mistake on their part) My love and support to you.

{{{{{{{{{{{lonelymom}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I am a bit late here but wanted you to know that you are in my prayers. I will say a special prayer just for you and light my MB candle.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

{{{{{{{{lonelymom}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>I posted a reply to your answer to my post before i read this. I am soooooo sorry...believe me you will get past this even though you do not believe this now.<BR>All the other advice is valid...a lawyer is vital. Establish credit immediately for yourself and try to get a credit card in your name only (not spousal if you do not have one already)<BR>Protect yourself financially. Make sure funds in joint accounts have not been cleaned out and if there are funds, be fair, take half and open an account in your own name. Then if he takes them, you have what is "yours. Find out as much about the financial as you can and PROTECT YOURSELF. If he is running up debts now, make sure you are not liable, get interim child support immediately and GET A SHARK OF A LAWYER, but one that will not "play stupid" for you. My lawyer is all that and more....and has tons of common sense. At times she was more of my therapist re kids issues than my lawyer!!!!!<P>This is war, and not a game, and you did not declare it. Let your lawyer do whatever s/he can to protect you. It will get worse, much worse before it gets better.<BR>Take care. email me ...willbok99@hotmail