Jill:<P>I have followed your story and felt I had to input to you. I have read what others have told you to do. Some say 'tell all' while others advise to 'say nothing'.<P>I'm sure you are confused and really you have to hear from God for yourself.<P>The Bible says "in a multitude of counselors there is safety (wisdom)" but there is a flip side to that in that "in a multitude of counselors there can also be confusion" (everyone has their own opinion).<P>As your brother in Christ....I hurt for you; but I feel very deeply that you need to tell him everything and not wait another minute!<P>The reason really isn't for his sake as much as for yours. You will NEVER receive closure in this area the rest of your life until you confess all! May I propose you carefully read, meditate and pray the 51st Psalm?<P>Jill, you are miserable and Satan; the accuser of the brethren is having a field day with you.<P>The Bible says "when anything is brought to the light it is exposed/reproved and where there is light...everything is clear and visible" (Ephesians 5).<P>I feel you owe this more to yourself than even to your husband and you are going to have to trust God for the results.<P>Also....there is the chance that he could find out another way and I can't even imagine how devastating that would be....best he hear it from you.<P>Why not just the two of you, get away for a weeek-end or a couple of days...away from EVERYONE (including family/friends). After all, this is only between YOU AND HE...and not your family or friends!<P>Please Jill...don't carry this albatross around any longer....I will believe with you in Jesus' Name that by being totally open and honest and bringing every hidden thing to the light.....Satan will be exposed and get a black eye.<P>Remember...what the enemy meant for destruction; God will turn it around for good!<P>Please seriously consider and pray about what I have just shared and if you want to talk privately...I will give you my e-mail.<P>Because He Cares....<P>[censored] from Texas<P>dickt@ecsintl.com

Jill,<P>Another thought about my belief in total honesty....<P><B>We are only as sick as our SECRETS</B><P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by [censored]:<BR><B>Jill:<P>I have followed your story and felt I had to input to you. I have read what others have told you to do. Some say 'tell all' while others advise to 'say nothing'.<P>I'm sure you are confused and really you have to hear from God for yourself.<P>The Bible says "in a multitude of counselors there is safety (wisdom)" but there is a flip side to that in that "in a multitude of counselors there can also be confusion" (everyone has their own opinion).<P>As your brother in Christ....I hurt for you; but I feel very deeply that you need to tell him everything and not wait another minute!<P>The reason really isn't for his sake as much as for yours. You will NEVER receive closure in this area the rest of your life until you confess all! May I propose you carefully read, meditate and pray the 51st Psalm?<P>Jill, you are miserable and Satan; the accuser of the brethren is having a field day with you.<P>The Bible says "when anything is brought to the light it is exposed/reproved and where there is light...everything is clear and visible" (Ephesians 5).<P>I feel you owe this more to yourself than even to your husband and you are going to have to trust God for the results.<P>Also....there is the chance that he could find out another way and I can't even imagine how devastating that would be....best he hear it from you.<P>Why not just the two of you, get away for a weeek-end or a couple of days...away from EVERYONE (including family/friends). After all, this is only between YOU AND HE...and not your family or friends!<P>Please Jill...don't carry this albatross around any longer....I will believe with you in Jesus' Name that by being totally open and honest and bringing every hidden thing to the light.....Satan will be exposed and get a black eye.<P>Remember...what the enemy meant for destruction; God will turn it around for good!<P>Please seriously consider and pray about what I have just shared and if you want to talk privately...I will give you my e-mail.<P>Because He Cares....<P>[censored] from Texas<P>dickt@ecsintl.com</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>[censored]:<P>I'm not sure that you will even come back to this place to read my response to you. <P>I just want you to know that I could truly feel God's love radiating from your words. Thank you, my brother in Christ.<P>I do appreciate your willingness to allow me to e-mail you. However, since the computer was a pitfall for me when I started my emotional affair, I have promised God and myself that I would only e-mail female friends and family members at this time. I'm NOT at all implying that YOU meant anything other than reaching out in Christian love. I'm just saying that I am very vulnerable right now and that this is one promise I'd like to keep. <P>You're right -- I do feel very overwhelmed and very confused. When I began posting here only a few days ago, I thought it was a good idea, but now I'm not so sure. When my affair first ended, I struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide, etc. But, as I resumed my prayer life and started talking to God again, my guilt subsided and my life was becoming more "normal" again. While I appreciate all of the feedback that people have given me here, being here is causing me to slip back into depression again. All of this is "stirring-up" what I've spent months allowing God to "calm down". You suggested that I read the 51st Psalm. I have read the verses over and over again. I cling to the words in Psalm 51 because they echo the cries of my heart.<P>I've rambled again. <P>Thank you for your kind words. I'm not sure if you've ever heard the saying, "Christians seem to shoot their wounded..." Thank you for setting such a precious example of how Christians should minister to others and to each other...thanks for not "shooting me" while I'm wounded. <P>Love in Christ,<P>Jill<BR>

<BR>Jill,<P>I'm really surprised at the number of people suggesting that you never tell. I suppose I can see some merit in exercising discretion in timing, but I just cannot see making a case for never confessing.<P>What is really at issue here is the principle of informed consent. You had an affair on your husband, and by refusing to tell him of this affair you are denying him his right to informed consent about staying in the marriage. Really, who do you think you are in denying him informed consent? Would you prefer not knowing if he was having an affair on you right now?<P>I sympathize with the people whose spouses bolted upon learning that their partners betrayed them. Maybe their affairs really *were* a handy excuse to break up and make the betrayer look like the bad person. But so what? Would you rather deny your husband his informed consent and have him vigilant for *other* reasons to leave you later? I mean, the whole "he'll tell everybody and leave me" thing strikes me as a non-starter. Spouses who use a past infidelity as an impression-management device really weren't "in" the marriage in the first place, IMO. By not telling, I guess you could prolong a charade marriage, but is that what you really want?<P>I'm not going to tell you whether to confess, but the ethics of it are clear enough.<P>Bystander

Jill:<P>Yes I did go back and read your response to me and I am blessed that it ministered to you.<P>Oh how many times have I heard it said and even said it myself...."CHRISTIANS ARE THE ONLY ARMY THAT SHOOT/BURY THEIR WOUNDED".<P>I do not feel there is anything else I can add except you must be able to LOVE YOURSELF or you will not be able to love others. This is called 'self-love' and is different than 'selfish love'.<P>I believe I can almost say a 'thus saith the Lord' that you will NEVER experience complete healing UNTIL you share everything with your husband.<P>Remember...Satan hates the light...hates to be exposed and he will do everything he can to keep you from exposing things.<P>I understand about not e-mailing me; I honestly had no intention, other than allowing you to be more open or just vent.<P>Please keep us/me posted on your story.<P>In His Love,<P>[censored] from Texas<P>Lamentations 3:22,23 one of my favorites:<P>"The mercy and compassion of the Lord are fresh every morning...great is His faithfulness".<P>Jill:<P>Today is the first day of the rest of your life.<P>Today God's Grace/Love/Mercy gives you:<BR>a fresh start<BR>a clean slate<BR>a new beginning

Jill,<BR>Please note that most of the people who are telling you to confess are "betrayed". They don't have a clue what you are going through, sorry. Of course, they wanted to know the truth. The fact that they are here on this website shows that they are not the kind of people to exact punishment, or take a pound of flesh from their spouse. You know your husband better than anyone. Please don't confess out of some mistaken belief that you deserve to be "punished", because you don't.

<BR>TheStudent,<P>Having a betrayed status doesn't change the ethics of confession. A failure to confess is a denial of informed consent, and its morally wrong.<P>I suppose by not confessing a betrayer could perpetuate a sham marriage, but the irony is that deep down the betrayer will never really know if the betrayed truly wants the betrayer: "Would he still want me if he knew what I did?" And if the answer is no, then the betrayer is the really the bigger loser because they are the ones perpetuating the sham in the first place, and the paradox is that they'll never know it until they confess.<P>As I mentioned previously, a betrayed who uses an affair as an impression-management device for exiting a marriage is probably vigilant for other reasons to leave a marriage, too. The choice is to fix the marriage or leave, not poison it with lies.<P>I don't mean this to be mean, but your advice speaks far more to the pain of rejection (e.g., having your husband diss you then ditch you) rather than the ethics of this situation.<P>Bystander