Two months ago, my wife put her arms around me as I lay in bed and suddenly said, “There’s something I need to tell you. I’ve been unfaithful to you.” With those words, I began my descent into emotional hell. This is the story of how I survived the torment of my wife’s betrayal, and how our relationship went from ‘broken’ to ‘better than ever’ in just two months. If you have had your world suddenly shattered by the infidelity of the one you trusted most, and are wondering how you can ever make it through, then this story is for you...<P>How it started.<P>My wife and I had been married twelve years when the thoughts first started. Like any relationship, we had gone through good times and bad. Surprisingly, this was one of the better periods. My wife was in her mid 30's, and was finally attaining her professional goals. We had a beautiful home, lots of friends and were active in church leadership. We even offered counseling to couples whose marriages were in trouble, using Dr. Harley’s book, His Needs, Her Needs. I had no clue what was about to happen in my own marriage...<P>For six months, my wife had thoughts about kissing a man whom she saw often at work. He was unhappy in his marriage, and gave off sexual vibes. He greatly admired my wife, and was always building her up in one way or another. As a committed Christian, she was horrified by these thoughts and tried to put them out of her mind, but since she saw him at work frequently, the thoughts kept returning. After awhile, she stopped fighting them, since ‘nothing could ever happen.’ Her first mistake was in not realizing that she had a problem, and that she needed to either tell me or confide in a friend to defuse the secret allure of the thoughts.<P>Partially out of ignorance, she eventually did the worst thing possible. She told him that she was having romantic thoughts about him, but that nothing could ever come of it. He was surprised, but very interested. For the next half-year they had an emotional affair. Again, she could have broken much of the allure by telling someone or seeing a counselor, but by this time, the sin had worked its way in deep. What happened next was almost inevitable.<P>The affair.<P>After a year of holding back, the sexual tension was enormous. Their first time together, all they did was kiss, but the physical sensations were like nothing she had ever experienced in her life. They both quickly concluded that what they had must be that one-in-a-million type of chemistry. Neither one understood that illicit sex brings with it an unbelievable high. Put another way, the devil reserves his best rewards to lure people into the worst sins.<P>But, after the incredible high came the remorse. After just two times together, my wife broke it off. She couldn’t live with the guilt of what she was doing, and she genuinely feared God because she knew how much she was grieving the Holy Spirit. She was about to learn what it means to be a ‘slave to sin.’<P>Affairs become a type of addiction. My wife struggled with all her strength, but having given into the sin, she discovered it was not about to release its grip. After a month of emotional agony, she resumed the affair. They fell deeply in love and he offered to leave his wife for her. Predictably, our marriage began to really suffer during this time, as she magnified each of my faults to justify what she was doing. After three months of this misery, we talked about separating. <P>Because of our Christianity, we were both strongly opposed to divorce. She still felt a love for me and wanted to stay married; she wanted to have the advantages of both our marriage and the affair. We agreed to go to marriage counseling, and to work on making our marriage better.<P>After half-a-year of hard work, my wife was again ‘in love’ with me. Though she tried again and again to break off the affair, she could not do so successfully. The physical affair would last two and a half years, and, incredibly, I never even suspected. <P>How it ended. <P>After three years of living a lie, my wife was at the end of her rope. She suffered from chronic headaches, stomach upset and other maladies brought on by the unrelenting stress of maintaining the deception. She coped by taking literally thousands of pills during this period of time. She had tried to stop the affair more than a dozen times, and had even told our marriage counselor, but sooner or later her resolve would weaken. She felt trapped in her sin and saw no way out.<P>When our vacation plans with another couple changed at the last minute, my wife went away to the ocean for four days before I joined her. Alone with God, she begged Him to free her of the addiction. He responded by lifting the scales from her eyes, and for the first time in years, she saw ‘me’ clearly. She also saw how incredibly selfish a person she had allowed herself to become. When I joined her, she practically leapt into my arms and told me how God had given her a fresh and beautiful love for me. She knew the affair was over, and this time, it really was.<P>To tell or not to tell?<P>As a result of that revelation, my wife made the decision to focus on becoming a better person, and especially, a better wife. Over the next three years, I saw her make changes that produced increasingly positive results in our marriage. For the first time in a long while, I was happy with our relationship.<P>My wife spoke with two Christian counselors about whether to tell me. Both knew me well, and strongly advised her never to tell, fearing that I would divorce her if I knew. She reconciled herself to carrying her terrible secret ‘to the grave.’ But the closer we got, the more stress it caused her to keep up the deception. Also, she never stopped loving the other man; she just made, with God’s help, a solemn vow to never act on those feelings again. At first she wanted to keep up a friendship with him, but over time she realized the danger and finally cut off contact entirely. <P>While my wife had accepted that she would live with, and perhaps even die from, the symptoms caused by the stress of maintaining the deception, there was another price tag which she had not anticipated. She found it impossible to accept my praises! Whenever I would tell her how wonderful she was, or how much I loved her, she would always think: “That’s because he doesn’t know about the affair. If he knew what I have done, he wouldn’t feel that way.” She came to see that the affair, even though over, would steal the joy from our marriage for as long as she kept it hidden from me.<P>The Confession.<P>The evening she told me, my wife suddenly knew in her spirit that the time had come. As much as she dreaded what I might do, there was no doubt in her mind: God’s will was that she tell me that evening. At first, she didn’t offer details. She was hoping that I wouldn’t ask. And initially, I didn’t. I assumed it was a one night stand type of situation, and I immediately forgave her. But over the course of the next 24 hours, I could think of little else. Certain things she said didn’t fit in with what I initially thought. And so over the next several weeks, I endured the horror of learning piece by piece the full magnitude of my wife’s betrayal.<P>My reaction.<P>Shock. Absolute, total shock. This can’t be happening to me! My wife would never do something like this! And on, and on, and on. Somehow, I managed to ask myself the right initial question, on which everything else would depend: “After nearly twenty years of marriage, knowing what I now know about my wife, do I want to work on rebuilding my marriage, or do I want a divorce.?” Because my wife had changed so much over the three years since she broke off the affair, the answer was easy to arrive at, but painful to work out. I wanted my marriage!<P>The day I arrived at that conclusion, I took off early from work and stopped at a florist to buy my wife a dozen roses. I cried all the way home. I presented her the flowers and said, “Our past may lie in ashes, but we still have the future.” She looked at me in disbelief and said, “How can you give me flowers after what I did to you?” I told her to remember that moment, because it was a true picture of grace - the betrayed giving flowers to the betrayer. We held each other and wept for a long time.<P>Dealing with the pain.<P>Knowing that I wanted to make it work was the first step. Learning how to live with the pain was another matter entirely. I never knew I could hurt so much inside. With each new revelation of some aspect of the betrayal, it was as if the scab on my emotional wound would be torn off and I would relive the whole experience all over again. I knew it was hard for her to see me in agony, knowing that she had caused it, but it was vital to my recovery that I be able to trust what she was now telling me. So each time she gave me a truthful answer to my questions, I would say, through my sobbing, “Thank you for telling me the truth.”<P>Integrating what my wife was telling me into my memories of the past six and a half years was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. Nothing in my life was as it seemed. It was so much more like a nightmare than it was like real life. Many times I felt that it was all a terrible dream, and that I would soon wake up and my life would go back to the way it was before. It was as if I were a stranger in my own life! <P>I soon discovered the terrible roller coaster ride of recovery. One day, I would be able to function reasonably well, and be in decent spirits, all things considered. The next, I would be an emotional wreck, crying my heart out. To my surprise, the pain did not grow less with time, it increased with each new episode. As the level of pain approached my breaking point, it drove me to behaviors totally outside my character. I screamed profanities at my wife, something I have never done before. At one point, I felt such a rage building that I had to break something, so I destroyed a gift he had given her by pounding it into splinters with a hammer. <P>God’s grace to my wife during this time was nothing short of unbelievable. Not only did she hang in there without being defensive during the worst of my outbursts, she did it all without any symptoms of stress! One episode, where my impotent fury was so great that I felt I had to leave (I didn’t have anywhere to go, I just felt a desperate need to run), she let me know that she didn’t want me to go out, but she wouldn’t try to stop me. She called out to me as I was about to leave: “You don’t have to go!” Her calmness was so soothing that I found the strength to resist the impulse to run. She also spoke the truth to me based on God’s word during the many occasions when I hovered over the black pit of depression. Time and time again she pulled me back from wallowing in destructive emotions.<P>The Other Man.<P>Upon learning of the affair, I searched the net and read everything I could on the subject. After reading one especially relevant article on what affairs are like, I called my wife over to the computer and asked her to read it. Her jaw dropped. The article described what she had experienced ‘to a T.’ At last she understood that what she had with him was not something ‘special’, but rather, the stereotypical experience of someone cheating on their spouse. Once this last deception was exposed, she no longer had to hide away her feelings for him, because she understood that what she experienced wasn’t true love at all, just a fantasy based on deceptions. In truth, it wasn’t him she loved, it was the idea of being in love with a soul mate who truly understood her. <BR> <BR>I chose to confront the other man by telephone, with her on the line. I wrote out ahead of time what I would say, since I couldn’t trust myself to think clearly once the conversation started. I told him that I knew everything, and that I had considered every possible response to what he had done. I then said that while he deserved retribution, I had chosen instead to forgive him, and that I would never do anything to harm him personally or professionally. He had become a Christian not long before, and I told him I hoped that through my actions, he might better learn what God’s grace is. He seemed deeply moved, and agreed to never contact us again.<P>Sex.<P>Until I made the initial decision to stay with my wife, I wouldn’t let her touch me. Even once I made the decision, there was an overwhelming impulse to punish her actions by not having sexual contact. I realized, though, that this was like cutting off my nose to spite my face. So, even as I cried, I allowed her to make love to me. It was a beautiful emotional experience. Afterward, she shared that to her it meant I was taking her back as my wife in the fullest sense.<P>Sex has become the greatest source of pleasure and of pain in my life. The frequency of our lovemaking greatly increased initially, since there was little else in life that brought me any true pleasure. Unfortunately, sex is also a terrible trigger of almost unbearable images. Sooner or later, though, I need to deal with those images, so I decided, "Why put it off?" I can’t change the past, but as I create more and more positive sexual experiences with my wife, the negative associations will gradually lessen in frequency and intensity.<BR> <BR>Our relationship.<P>Incredibly, my relationship with my wife is now the closest it has ever been. She has been my helpmate through the most horrible ordeal of my life. She has shown true repentance and remorse, and made major changes in those areas that caused problems in the past. For the first time since early in our marriage, she has been a true ‘giver’ in our relationship.<P>Although it seems strange to me considering what has happened, I cannot help but want to give in return! Without her asking, I have made changes in those areas that I know were always sore spots for her in the marriage. Because we survived the incredible trauma of the affair by leaning on each other, I honestly believe that we are closer today that we would have been if the affair had never happened.<P>Don’t get me wrong, I would give almost anything to turn back the hands of time and prevent my wife from doing what she did. I still have good days and bad, though the bad ones are a lot less severe than they used to be. I know there will painful times to come, but I can face them with the confidence that my wife and I will handle whatever comes our way together, as a team, with God’s help.<P>The moral of the story. <P>My marriage is living proof that surviving an affair can make you better, not bitter. Please understand, I am not passing judgment on anyone whose experiences are different than my own. I was very fortunate in many ways, and I thank God that my recovery time has been so short, due to His mercy. I want to share our story so that all those involved with or even contemplating adultery can learn from our failures and successes.<P>Through my suffering these past two months, God has revealed many truths to me about how to prevent adultery and how to deal with the pain if it happens. Many times, I felt that the pain was ‘more than I could bear.’ Each such time, He revealed some truth to me that enabled me to make it through. One day soon, I will share what He showed me in another post.<P>He loves you.<P>BrokenButNotCrushed

Hello BrokenButNotCrushed,<P>I like your name. In fact, when I registered I considered bentbutnotbroken. My story is strikingly similar to yours, except my husband's affair was short-term. I hope that your remarkable progress continues, for most of us it is far more difficult to recovery so quickly.<P>I know that God spoke to me many times through this ordeal to lead me in the direction he wanted and to give me strength to get through each day.<P>Thanks for sharing your story.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

Hi BBNC,<P> Wow, what a powerful post...you have described perfectly the emotions we've all experienced...You both sound like 2 extremely strong people.<BR> <BR> Do you think you would feel different if you discovered the affair while it was going on? My problem is the fact that although we are in recovery, my H looks at the affair as the "love of his life" and feels like he is here with us to "do the right thing".....I have alot of resentment because of his thinking....take care, LU

BBNC,<P>Thank you so much for sharing your experience. When you said you felt like a stranger in your own life, how I related to that. This is what I feel now. And I do feel I would be so much further along in this nightmare if my H were as strong as your W.<BR>Unfortunately, he is not. I want and need encouragement and support from him, but he says he cannot help me. I'm on my own in this. <P>But I am glad to read that you now have a stronger and closer marriage. I haven't been on the board too much lately due to conflicts I am going through and work keeps me away from checking in as much as I would like, but I would like to read what else you have to share about what you have learned from all this and maybe I can learn how to get through what I have been trying to deal with on my own.

Thanks for sharing your story, it was very well written and encouraging.<P>At first read I couldn't get the 6 years, then I went back and read there were another 3 years after it ended but before she told you.<P>My h first confessed to our pastor, and he advised that he not tell me any time soon, at least not until our marriage was stronger. It has its pros and cons, your w's recovery started 3 years ago, and she improved her skills at loving you.<P>For me, it has now been four months since he confessed. I didn't suspect either, he is a very committed Christian.<P>I decided that same night I wanted my marriage, and I made love to him as a way of saying "I forgive you".<P>I also believe the timing of his confession was of God. He had tried to break it off with the OW, but was not successful.<P>But then, I kept wondering, when is he going to start loving ME? He went through a month of withdrawal, and he would cry for her on my shoulder. Even after that, though we were in counselling with Jenn Harley, he did not start really trying. To him, just being there was his contribution.<P>So, I guess, our recovery really started a month ago. That is when he began to gear his life around making our family "work". It is interesting that you said you knew you wanted the marriage after the 3 years of changes you had seen in your w. <P>I only had the HOPE that Harley was right, that we could get through this and emerge stronger. My biggest incentives were my two little ones. My h claimed he did not love me, never had. He was still very much caught in the addiction. And only in hindsight am I learning just how bad our marriage was. Though we never fought, we didn't connect either. We are both now learning the skills to meet each other's needs.<P>I pray the Lord would give us love for each other. We are taking baby steps, sometimes connecting. And he is making big changes. He used to fit the family in wherever. Work always came first. He still has the same demanding job, but he is learning to balance his life so we can have time together for the two of us, and for the kids.<P>I have tried to help many here with my replies, and I have asked many questions myself, now I want to thank God for how far we have come, and pray we can make it.

<BR>Thanks for your story, I've emailed this to my ex. thought he might be interested on how this could have turned out differently even with all the hurt we've both experienced.<BR>Today I feel it is truly over and rely on the serenity prayer to get me through each day.

Hi,<P>thank you for that wonderful post. I'm going to print it off, and show it to my H when and if the time is ever right.<P>I hope all continues to go well for you, I have the feeling that it will.<P>I hope my H has the same feelings that your W had, and has. I'm not sure if he will. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.<P>Thank you for giving me inspiration and hope. I needed a little of both today.<P>All my very best wishes to you and your wonderful wife. I hope I can be as strong as you.<P>Jo

Dear Peppermint,<P>Thanks for your note of encouragement. My choice of name here seemed appropriate, since this experience was the first time in my life that I have ever felt totally broken. It took me awhile to realize that it wasn't until I came to the end of my own strength that I could fully lean on His. Seems like you've learned the same thing! <BR> <BR>As to the speed of my recovery, I was fortunate in that I was able to take off huge amounts of time from work and focus intensely on recovery. The down side was that I had almost no breaks from the suffering. There are no easy solutions! I'm just grateful to have reached a place where even when the negative thoughts come, I'm able to deal with them without taking an emotional tumble.<P>I'm glad to hear that you were able to feel God's support during your suffering. I don't know how people can deal with something like this without Him! <BR> <BR>Best Wishes,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<BR>

Dear Lu,<P>I'm glad to hear that you could relate so well to what I have experienced. It sure helps to know that others are going through the same thing!<P>Before this happened, I would have been proud of the fact that I was a strong, independent person. Through this experience, though, I have realized that the stronger we are, the more pressure God must use to bring us to the end of that strength so we can learn to trust Him more fully.<P>As to your question, "Would I have felt differently if I found out about the affair while it was going on?" Absolutely! Anyone would.<P>I can't know how I would have reacted if I had, but I believe it would have made recovery much more difficult. On the other hand, if I found out three months into the affair, I wouldn't have had to mentally rewrite 6 1/2 years of my life! Still, I greatly sympathize with anyone who has to endure discovery while the affair is ongoing.<P>I was most concerned by your H's feeling that the affair was the 'love of his life.' Virtually everyone who has an affair feels that way, at least for a while. Though the emotions are based on a fantasy, they are still potentially devastating to the marriage. After all, it's incredibly demoralizing to the loyal spouse who 'should' be the recipient of those feelings!<P>The thing that makes this so difficult is that even though the 'love of his life' part is actually a fantasy, it feels absolutely real to your H! And because we can't control our feelings, only how we react to them, it may seem as if there is no way out.<P>But there is a way out! And it is very scriptual: "The truth shall set you free." Your H's feelings are based on a series of deceptions. Pierce through the deceptions, and his feelings will change!<P>My W felt exactly the same way as your H does, and she carried those feelings for three years after her affair ended! It wasn't until she saw and believed the truth that she stopped feeling love for the OM. Reading an article written by a stranger that perfectly summed up her emotional and physiological responses during the affair convinced her that what they had wasn't special, it was typical. Once she saw that truth, the whole pyramid of deceptions began to topple.<P>Of course, there is no 'one way' to pierce through a person's deceptions. Pray about what will work with your H. Remember, you can't change his feelings or make him see the truth; he has to want to. That's why it's extra important to meet his needs as best as you can even though he isn't meeting all of yours yet. Don't give in to the resentment. It's a dead end. <P>It sounds like your marriage has great potential. I will pray that your H sees the truth and is set free!<P>Best Wishes,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed

Hi BBNC,<BR>Welcome to our bb and thanks for "coming out" of seclusion to share your story. In some ways my story was like yours, in that there was a year during which the affair was going on (without my knowledge) that I began to do some drastic attitude and behaviorial changes. Basically Plan A stuff +, but I did not know that then. When discovery day arrived my love for my H had grown significantly, due in part to his reactions to the changes in my behavior, as had his love for me. He, like your W, said there had been times "they had tried to break it off" but couldn't. He was impressed with my willingness to forgive him and work to recover a better marriage. I think in the back of his mind, he always thought that when I found out, it would be over for us. When he realized the depth of my commitment to him and our family, and considering all the deposits I had been making before discovery, breaking off his OW relationship was something he "easily" agreed to do. Not that it was easy for him to actually do Took him about 4 months, and she helped by leaving the country.. Even during this phase I was his best friend and held his hand. You are lucky you went through your wife's withdrawal with out knowing it, I guess. Or maybe she did not have a difficult one because of her experience at the beach. I do know the secret probably caused some of same stresses for her.<P>Keeping this in mind, how can our stories help those whose spouses are still emeshed in the affair. We plan A'd without the added stressor of knowing there was another person. What did we really do that is making our recoverys successful? Isn't a lot of it just dumb luck? and being at the right place at the right time? You say you counseled other marriages using Harley's theories. How much of a part did your understanding of his principles play in your own personal recovery? How can we reach those spouses who are right now turning their backs on their SO's in favor of "the new love of their life", without realizing/or believing that it is all just one big fantasy. I hurt for the folks on this board who are facing these situations, unaware of the "right" answer of what to do. If the "right" answer where given for every question, would it be in the power of the person getting the answer to use it.<BR>If there were a way to love, give, forgive, accept, support and comfort with out feeling the pain associated with the knowledge of the affair then maybe recovery using plan A tactics would have an even better chance to save the marriage.. In a way that is what happened with me. I loved my H back to me.<P>Goodness. .....What came over me? <BR>Went a little off. May be something in all that to think about. I just know that I count myself EXTREMELY lucky!<P>Beth

Dear Devastated2,<P>Of course I will share the insights I gained through my experience. I should be ready to post them in just a few days.<P>In the meantime, I'm so sorry to hear that your H is not being supportive during your time of need. There must be deep issues between you for him not to reach out more. Perhaps he has withdrawn so much emotionally that he doesn't know how to feel, let alone express his feelings.<P>Though your H may not be there for you right now, you are not alone. There are many others, like myself, who have faced the same emotional Mt. Everest. And even though we may be inadequate to help you through the deepest pain, there is someone who can. <P>He knows everything you've had to endure. He<BR>understands how much you're hurting and how badly you want to be comforted. And ultimately, He's the only one who can give any of us peace inside.<P>Do you know Him?<P>I did, and it made all the difference. I lived out the Footprints story. When my strength gave out... when my hope gave out... when my will to even go on living gave out, it was then that He carried me.<P>He'll carry you, too, if you ask Him to.<P>You'll be in my prayers.<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P><BR> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by BrokenButNotCrushed (edited March 09, 2000).]

What a great post, even though I feel embarased now as my username is "Crushed". Your post gave me hope, I want to be you, I want to feel that way about my h....you are amazing and God in you is awesome. I am a Christian, yet unfortunitly I haven't leaned on him as much as I should, it is encouraging to me to see your success at this. I have been so immersed in my own pain and suffering, I haven't looked at the positives...my h is truly remorseful and repentant..much like your wife...as a matter of fact, she sounds alot like him....and like you I found out after the fact, h confessed and they were over quite a few months by then. I can't say I am anywhere near where you are, but just be reading your post I want to be....that's a big step for me because I don't feel any real direction yet. Your experience has given me a lot to think about and try to attain to. Thanks for your post, I can't wait to read what your future posts hold, what your insights are.<P>Thanks again, and maybe one day I won't be "Crushed".

Dear Schizzo,<P>Given that real recovery started just one month ago, you should be very encouraged by the many changes that are taking place. You had more to overcome than just the affair; it sounds like you are already addressing the underlying causes of problems in your marriage. <P>I am so sorry for your H's painful comment that he never loved you. I don't believe that's true. The emotional deceptions caused by an affair can, for a season, distort a person's recollection of past feelings. But once he sees through the deceptions, he'll remember the feelings of love that have recently been trampled by the cruel lies of the affair.<P>Your last paragraph said a lot to me about where you are now. I think you have come a long way on your journey, perhaps farther than you realize. There may be more bumps in the road, but I believe your best days lie ahead.<P>Keep on hoping, praying and thanking God. It's obvious He's been answering your prayers.<P>God Bless,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed <BR>

The moral of your story is very true. I keep telling my husband that we will become better people in the long run. He still needs to leave OW so we are not in recovery yet, but I have high hopes for a better marriage.<P>Maybe our marriage did get kind of stale and we lost touch with each other but I truly believe that our love for each other will grow stronger. It will be a long hard road but well worth it. I hope my husband can cross that road. Sometimes I wonder if God is just giving us a big kick in the you know what to get both of us on the right track.<P><BR>Pam<BR>

Dear Tyra,<P>I am sorry for your loss. No one else can tell you when the right time has come to give up on your marriage, that's between you and the Lord. Whatever happens, it doesn't affect His love for you... that's eternal and unconditional.<P>I'm glad you sent a copy of my story to your H. I don't know the particulars of your situation, but you never know when something will finally strike a chord within him.<P>Keep praying the serenity prayer. If there's a better all purpose prayer than that one, I haven't found it!<P>I wish you the best, wherever God leads you.<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

<BR>Dear Jo,<P>I'm glad my story gave you hope, and pray that, at the right time, it can also minister to your H. You never know what God will use to break through a person's self-deception.<P>My prayers are with you.<P>BrokenButNotCrushed <P>

Dear Beth,<P>I'm glad that my post got you thinking! Even more, I'm happy that you count yourself as a fellow survivor of one of the worst tragedies that a person can endure.<P>I don't have all the answers to the tough questions you asked. Each person's situation and emotional make-up are so unique<BR>that there can't be one-size-fits-all guidelines.<P>That's one of the main reasons I decided to post the entire story of what I went through. I can't know what part of my testimony will minister to what person, but by sharing the big picture, start to finish, the good, the bad and the downright awful, I hope that both unfaithful spouses and betrayed spouses will be able to relate to and learn from our mistakes and successes. <P>I am sure of one thing, though. There was no 'dumb luck' involved in my recovery. My wife had the courage to disregard the advice of two counselors when she told me about the affair, because God so clearly impressed upon her that she had to tell me that evening. Looking back with 20-20 hindsight, it is amazing to me how perfectly God orchestrated everything in my life to prepare me for what was to come.<P>I'm not saying that every person's experience is, or should be like mine. But I do believe that the 'secret' to my rapid recovery was our obedience to consistently choose to do what God showed us as He showed us.<P>You asked how much my understanding of Dr. Harley's principles played a part in my recovery. I believe that there is much wisdom in those principles, and I am sure that they helped me in subtle ways. Amazingly, though, I never read his book on surviving an affair, or any other book on the subject. I ordered the book "After the Affair" based on the enthusiastic reviews I saw on the net, but when it came, I spent a few minutes skimming through and concluded that I didn't need its answers.<P>You see, considering how strong I thought I was, it took very little time for the pain of my wife's betrayal to utterly break me before God. Once that happened, I leaned on Him the rest of the way through my painful journey. Because I depended so much on Him, I had the inner strength to minister to my wife during the many times that she sobbed in anguish over what she had done. I was there for her... she was there for me... over and over the cycle repeated until, at last, we found our way through.<P>I hope that unfaithful spouses read this post, because they have so much power to make their mate's journey less agonizing. I'm sure they get discouraged, since it must seem like a bottomless pit, but in reality, their choices can make such a difference. <P>Best Wishes,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed

Question for you "brokenbutnotcrushed"<BR>Would you be available for an email...I could really use to "talk" to someone...<P>Having troubles getting my profile posted on here...but you can get the jist of it by reading the post to "To Jill and Azhootie"<BR>Is probably on page 2 or 3 by now.<P>Really was blessed by your story...

BBNC,<BR>Thanks so much for the info. My h and I are Christians also and because of that, I think we both felt secure that neither would ever have an affair. Satan will sneak in and attack us where we feel safe becaseu we often don't put God's protection in that area. I have to found that this experience has forced me to learn what it means to totally rely upon God. That is the jewel I claim from this experience. I think because of hitting bottom and God carrying us out, we will all put a protective hedge around our marriages from now on. My h is still struggling to stop all contact, but he is committed to our marriage. God is great. It's too bad some of us have to hit the bottom before we realize how great! <P>Thanks for sharing.

Dear Crushed,<P>Thank you for your precious post. It means so much to me to hear that another person is able to draw hope out of the circumstances that caused me so much pain. It reminds me of a saying I heard years ago, “In love’s service, only broken hearts qualify.”<P>I’m glad you realize that it is not me, but God in me that is awesome. Left to my own strength, I’d probably be wallowing in a pool of pity somewhere, unable to do much of anything.<P>I hope you see that all of the pieces are now in place for you to make real progress with your recovery. You have a repentant and supportive spouse, a new willingness to try, and an understanding that it is God’s strength that will carry you through to a full healing. I truly believe that one morning you will wake up and realize that you are no longer ‘Crushed’.<P>It won’t be easy, and at times it will seem like things are getting harder, not easier, but that’s just part of the process. Keep on trusting, keep on moving forward. You will make it! <P>I know. I’ve been there.<P>In His Love,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed