Momof2,<BR> Would you say the grass really isn't greener on the other side? I sure wish my W would begin to feel like you do.But even if she did,I'd probably be the last to hear about it.Maybe you can tell us a little more about your story?Take care. --Murph

Murph - The grass is definitely NOT greener on the other side! I should have taken my close friends and families advice, they all knew for years that the "sex and romance" in our marriage was null, but we were best of friends and great together. We skipped the "sex and romance" - I could care less, but it bothered my H. I ended up meeting someone that made my heart drop and I jumped at the opportunity. My H would never have an affair on me, even without having sex for months (and I mean 6-8 months) in our marriage)... I am the person that you would never, ever expect to have an affair, and now I feel like I am this evil person for doing it. I really hate myself for doing something this terrible.... See, even after the divorce (15 months ago), months of therapy and Prozac, I still can't get over it...<BR>

Well, I am not proud of this and it is down right depressing, but I discovered my h's affair before it really got going. It is still going 5 years later. However, I believe the fact that we have never lived near this woman and it was all secret rendevous in hotels for 1 1/2 years once it turned sexual and then it was sparse meeting for then for the the next 2 years. It was only after my h moved out in Sept last year that they started to see each other. Mostly weekends and a week at a time. I find it interesting that they had planned to move in together, that is until she spent the longest time of three weeks with him at Christmas. At that point they decided they were not ready. Although she still comes out here for about a week a month they still are not talking about moving in together. In fact she renewed her lease for another year. Also since Jan it has been a slow dance but h and I have begun to spend more time together. So these things can last a long time. Sorry for the depressing news, but in this case the infrequency of seeing each other for the first several years I think prolonged it and didn't allow it to run it's course and actually perpetuatd it because they never spent more then three days together until the fall of this year. He knows he doesn't want to live with her full time and he is trying to figure out whether we can in the future. We've decided to date again and see where it leads.<P><BR>

Hi Missy<P>My H's EA lasted nearly 2 1/2 years. OW still pining for him and in a sick way, he, too, for her. He got caught, it didn't end on its own which would have been better. Yes he changed. Wouldn't cooperate causing conflict whenever there was a situation of my opinion vs. his, or my needs vs. his. Refused to discuss things at length, etc.<P>In the beginning I had actually discovered the attempted affair and tried to put a stop to it and H and I worked together on all this MB information...he worked very diligently through it...turns out it was just a cover to hide what would turn into an affair. <P>He's saying and doing many of the right things now and also seems to be very honest in that he still "loves" her (if this is love I don't know!) even more than me. But because I will leave him if he doens't give her up, he has chosen to give her up. Now I'm just waiting to see how successful he is. We've been here and done that, too, when this all began. He had a choice to make, chose me, and continued the affair just the same. So he knows he has gotten away with having us both...let's see if he tries it again!

Hmmmmmmm-<BR>There's no telling really how long the affair was. He said I caught on to them pretty quickly! I truly believe she had been tempting him alot loner than he let on with making secret meeting's with him at his office when I wasn't around. <BR>I think I didn't allow him too much time to turn himself around too much. GGod Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Missy9<P>As a betayer, I most definately became a different person. I became very selfish and distant. It's kinda like you are going through the motions of everyday life but your not really there. <P>Often I would sit and "fantasize" about the OM and my H would be sitting right next to me. It was so weird like I was in some psycho trance world.<P>It's like leading a double life and gets very exhausting. I knew it was wrong but I just couldn't stop myself, I guess thats the addictive side.<P>As far as changing your personality for life? well I think that once he ends all contact with OW then he will come around to his old self maybe not 100% but you will see a difference.<P>And as for my D day I don't have one because I have chosen not to tell for reasons that are best for my situation right now.<P>Just my 2 cents<P>Reina

Missy9,<P><BR>OOOHHHH yeah I forgot to say this in my last post.<P>How the affair ended, the OM broke it off with me, it was really humiliating because the whole time I really wanted to end it but I choked up everytime. So when he did I was very angry and embarrassed because I thought I had control of the situation and I didn't.Not to mention the fact that I felt used and rejected at the same especially since initially he was the one to really persue me first.<P>Anyway....<P>But now looking back I'm so glad that he did break it off because I was sooo addicted that I really don't know if I would have been strong enough to end it. <BR>So yes I was living in that "Fantasy" world. I also became very depressed and bitter and I think mainly it was due to the shame and guilt of it all.<P>I can see now how yucky the whole thing really was. I guess the fog has lifted!<P><BR>Just my 2 cents (AGAIN)<P>Reina

I have to toss in her for my W, she has not come to visit the forum, not sure why, I think it intimidates her, she is not very internet savy and has never done anything other than use email, which is how I caught the EA, I knew the password becauase I set up her account in Hotmail. I never thought I'd use the password for that! Glad I had it. <BR>My W told me that she was in two worlds and the EA was fairly new when I caught it. Only about 3-4 weeks into it. They had only had two actual meetings, but one of those was hugs, kissing, and the OM pressing hard for more. MY W said that when she was with him it was like a whole different world, no pressures about our marriage, no pressures about our two teenagers which were wearing her down, I wasn't being the good leader I should have been, I sort of left her out on her own...so..this guy made her feel special, he talked about sex alot, she told me every detail, its probably a good thing I didn't record phone calls like I know how to do now. <BR>The email was bad enough. She said she deffinately had a Withdrawl period, she said it was about 30-45 days. We/she did not see the OM during that time at all, she said that was the most difficult time and also the most important, she broke the emotional bond and when we eventually did see the OM again, it was different she said. So its was an strong addiction affect.Like an alcoholic.<P><P>------------------<BR>jnvc

My H's affair went for around five months untill he ended it ( it was discovered as it started, but I waited one week before talking to him because I really wasn't sure of wht it was, just knew that he was different and it didn't make sense ) but there was still some sort of contact for about 2/3 more months. <BR>He had promissed he wouldnt' call her, but then she would call and he would answer. <P>After he told her not to call him anymore seh still kept calling for a bit longer, but as he was more certain of what he wanted and stronger in his decision he slowly started being able to keep telling her not to call, and then just not pick it up when he saw it was her. ANd after a while she gave up.<P>AS for changing...yes, of course. Not only with me, but with everyone else, he even started having problems at work, which he never did, due to his grouchiness and callous atittude.<BR>As with many others, the rest of the family was able to see this change too. Everybody was confused until they found out what was happenig. Then his parents and sister supported him 100% in hopes to be on his good side ( among other reasons) which didn't really help since he kept being the same to them as he was to everybody else.<P>After the affair ended , I remember posting here once. I was feeling that although things had started changing back even before the affair ended, there were some "leftovers" . <BR>He was a harsh and cold person, even mean sometimes. <BR>He used to be a very compassionate person, quite fair and ready to help, during that time he was still the opposite, and still with everybody else, not only me.<BR>What had made him good at his job - patience and understanding with the transitionals he worked with - was gone, he expected them to learn everything right away with no allowances for any learning problems, he wouldn't think twice before droping any of them, he was terrible.<BR> WHen I posted I was wondering if that was something that would stay with him forever. It was a scary thought.<P>But as time passed( we're now close to the second year)he slowly started going back to the man he was before. He's still a bit harsh sometimes, but not even close to what he was then. And he's the first one, realising it and apologising or changing it immediately.<P>What was happening during the affair to change him so much? According to him, first and foremost was the fact that he wasn't thinking about anything else other than the ow.So anything else that needed his time or attention was treated unfairly, because it made him angry.<BR> At the same time ( and mostly with me ) he needed desperately to find some reason to justify what he was doing ( yes, in a very dark corner inside, he knew it wasn't right ), and I wasn't helping, I wasn't acting horribly or doing things tht helped him to justify the affair, so he would try to get me upset or mad, ometimes just to be able to say" See, this is the reason why the affair is happening" - fortunately he didn't have much chance of using this, since I am a very calm person-.<P> Another thing he says, is that at the time the affair was at its "better"(?) he felt that I was the only thing between him and the life he really felt he wanted with the person he really thought he wanted. And since he couldn't just remove me, it used to make him so mad, he felt like hurting me, so he would say really mean things and act like a j*rk, just to hurt me.<P>Also even though he wanted to separate, he couldn't really do it mostly because he didn't want to be the one looking bad, so many times he would start arguments or would be really mean hoping that I would make the decision for him, by telling him to leave or throwing him out.( I'm glad I didn't do it )<P>What he thinks now? He still seems surprised sometimes when friends are talking about him and things he did during that period of time ( and this are people that don't even know what happened). <P>He's still quite embarassed about many of the things he did and said, and for a while last year went trough a stage were he would repeat "i just don't understand it!" so many times I was ready to go crazy.<BR>He can see - like I do - that some things were not at its best in our marriage, but agrees with me that they weren't as he was making them at that time and there were times after recovery where he would wake me up during the night just to ask "Am I crazy? was I crazy? All those things I did, are things that I don't even agree with!"<P>The affair is not the first thing in our mind anymore, but we still think about it sometimes.Except it doesn't really hurt like it did. I find that maybe it's positive that we don't forget about it, so we keep in mind that a healthy relationship needs work, like everything else in life.<P>ANother good thing that happened as recovery progressed was that some things that had nothing to do with the affair were worked on as well, like his tendency to take it on me whenever he was upset with something else, or the always favorite problem with us: his grouchiness when waking up. Communication made it easy to talk openly about these things ( which I had never done before) and being more aware of it, he's now really making an effort to minimize them.<P>In any case, most times the spouse will be able to get back to the person he/she was before with time. And it might even have the added bonus of improving even things that were there before the affair.<P>Take care<BR>Kat