Hello:<BR> <BR> I just dont get it. I have been in recovery for four months now. And still in councling now. But my wife still contacts OM at work or on the phone. I have asked her what she is looking for & she has told me answers.<P> OM left my W one OM W found out about the affair. I beleived my W when she told me she was sorry & would not do it again. Well one month latter she slept with OM. W promissed again that she would never do it again. But i still not talking about it. She says that i am just obseesing that it is realy over.<P> But i have checked phone bills & have found that she will call his ext at work. when i am not around. OM ext is shared with other people so i dont know if it is him or not. But i do feel it is him because the calls are always when i am not around.<P> So as i keep finding little things like this. It makes me feel that she is still truely inlove with OM. That she still beleives that he is her sole mate. I have told her that it would make me very happy if they never had to see each other again for the rest of their lives. But i will not force it. I only whant my W love if it is freely given not by any of my demands. <P> I also dont want to continue to feel that i am second in her live to OM. I fear that if he would change his mind about his W that my W would go to him. I have told her that i feel second to this man but she assures me that it is not true. But i dont know if i can beleive her now when she has lied to me in the past telling me things were over but then she had to go back. <P> I do not what to give up on my marriage or our kids. But i keep feeling that love from me slowly slipping away. I have been fighting my self every day tring to tell myself that it is just triggers that it will pass. <P> If any one can help please give me some advise. <P> Thanks so much LotsofHope<P>------------------<BR>

You may be in "recovery"...but she's not...she is still in withdrawal. Rebuilding your marriage can't really make much progress til she gets past that and is ready to focus on your relationship. <P>Meanwhile, you need to be in Plan A...if you haven't read the PlanA 101 post, do so (it is on NSR's Notable Posts which has links to some good posts)...<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

LoH<P>I can't answer your question but I can see that aside from how you may feel, reality is that you are one of two men that your W is involved with. I'm sure there are times that OM feels second to you just as you feel second to him.<P>I disagree with you about not forcing your wife. Ours is a culture in which actions speak louder than words so if it is you she really wants, then she must show it with her actions. As things are, she is not being made to prove her true feelings therefore she continues to play her game which is very hurtful to you and most undeserved. <P>Unfortunately there are many people who, if not "forced" would continue to behave just as your wife is behaving. You may not want your marriage to end but it seems it surely will if her behavior is permitted to continue. You are having a hard time with it now. How much longer do you think you can edure this pain? And before you reach your breaking point, your marriage is deteriorating and it does affect the children.<P>Sometimes to get what we want we have to do things we don't want to do. If you don't want your marriage to end, then make your wife choose and act accordingly. Don't just talk the talk but let's walk the walk. If it's you she says she really wants then there is no issue being forced anyway...she has already chosen. Now she just needs to learn to behave accordingly.<P>Good luck.

I don't have much advice BUT HANG IN THERE! My husband still had contact with the OW for over a year (Jan 99-Mar 00) I finally flipped out last month and I guess for the first time he realized what he would lose if I left (me and 2 beautiful baby boys)and he has had NO contact for a month. It isn't much but it gives me hope. I also made it clear that this was the last straw. I am done with this marriage if he does it again. He has done a complete 180, since then. Maybe she will see the light soon too! Good luck.