Is it possible to go through the painful experience of withdrawl without your spouse knowing or without her help?<P>I KNOW that it would be ideal if the spouse was there to support and help...but part of the problem of me needing to go through this place was due to the lack of support in the first place. <P>Not looking for sermons...just some advice or success stories of those who may have done it.<P>Thanks...

It is possible to go through withdrawl alone. <P>After D day I promised my husband I would give it a shot at rebuilding our marriage. <P>We were not communicators, so what looked to him as if I were not willing to work on our marriage was actually me withdrawing from the OM. There were days I just wanted to be alone.<P>However, after my withdrawl was almost over I did start to "come around" and he saw progress. Took about 6 - 8 weeks though.<P><BR>The key to ending the affair is ...It has to be something YOU WANT to do.<P>You can do it alone but if you start to weaken, look for support. If you can't get it from your spouse, come here!<BR>

NoMas:<P>I went through the withdrawal phase alone. Well, alone HUMANLY speaking...I know that God was with me and giving me the strength I needed.<P>My emotional affair took place in the latter part of 1998 and my physical affair took place in the early part of 1999. My withdrawal phase is a little different than some of the others that you might have read about here. I was lucky in that my eyes were opened VERY quickly. Within a fairly short length of time, I saw the OM for what he really was...SCUM. Knowing that he was scum helped, but I still went through a difficult time.<P>As you know, I still haven't revealed my affair to my husband (I don't need a sermon, either) .<P>After the weekend of my physical affair, I made a few weak attempts at ending the affair. As I've said before, I was so attracted/addicted to the OM that I almost met him out of town a second time (boy, I'm glad I didn't give in to THAT one!). I ended the affair via e-mail. At first, the withdrawal period was horrible. I thought about the OM constantly. The first few weeks with no contact were really miserable (that's an understatement). Within a few weeks of NO CONTACT, my thoughts REALLY became clearer than ever before. I began to realize that not only was the OM SCUM, but I never needed him to begin with. I needed and loved my husband.<P>I didn't seek counseling until AFTER I had already suffered through withdrawal alone (by my own choice...I don't expect sympathy, here).<P>I HIGHLY suggest having a good counselor BEFORE you go into the whole withdrawal thing. If your spouse isn't supportive, you'll need someone who is. By that statement, I mean a friend of the same gender or a qualified counselor. Yes, hindsight is 20/20. I was so overwhelmed with guilt and loneliness during my withdrawal phase that I contemplated suicide, leaving the country, etc. For me, the withdrawal phase was a time of irrational thinking in it's most INTENSE form. Only, I had to muster the strength to behave rationally. In other words, I wanted desperately to hop on a plane to meet the OM again, but, I didn't.<P>The NO CONTACT rule is very important (understatement). If you break the rule and have contact, you will just be making things more difficult for you, your spouse, the other person, family, etc.<P>Anyway, I hope this helps. I sure wish that I had known about the MB Forums while I was going through withdrawal.<P>Let me know how you're doing...<P>Best wishes,<P>Jill

Jill...<P><BR>***sigh****<P>Thank you for the encouragement. I hear what you are saying. I just feel so tired and don't know that I have the desire or energy right now, to work on the marriage. It does seem so impossible from where I stand. <P>One thing I know without a doubt, and I am sure "outsiders" will think I am just in a fog, but I know, without a shadow of doubt, that I will ever look at this other person as "scum". I realize that "sin" certainly can be scum....and a "sinner" can wallow in scum...but I also know that God hates the sin and loves the sinner. I just happen to be in love with the sinner who is involved with the sin with me.<BR>(Does that make sense? )<P>God help us both.

I haven't done it yet, but I am in the process....I am also going through the pain of withdrawl without help of my spouse. He doesn't know about my affair. <P>This is EXTREMELY difficult and the only place I can even vent is here... I have no one who I can discuss this with other than those here who have or are going through it also... <P>I think (HOPE, PRAY) that it is possible to get through it alone... but I know it would be easier with more support... It is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do... by myself.... <P>It is difficult to explain the red eyes and sniffles (on those occasional bad days that I go through) as "recently aquired allergies" to my H... (Unfortunately, the fighting off withdrawls is not limited to only the times I am alone.)<P>Dare I say that I am one who can understand your feelings? Guess I just did, now didn't I? (Referring to your other post "pain is pain") After a year and a half long affair... I was where you are now...It was VERY difficult to let it go... and I'm still trying to get through it... alone... and it is not an easy thing to fight when you have no one to talk with about it...<P>I wish you luck... hang in there and prayers to you... I will be watching this post for success stories too! Maybe I can pull some more strength from them... <P>

I am still in the throes of a terrible withdrawl and I am doing it alone. It has been about 11 weeks and some days the pain is as bad as the first day. On top of that, I am going through a divorce and trying to work and take care of two boys. I keep waiting to wake up and not feel this overwhelming sadness. I try to tell myself that the OM lied to me, that he only used me, but it doesn't work; the pain is still my companion. I pray that someday I'll feel normal again.<P>LS<BR>

NoMas:<P>Sorry to hear of your pain, but know that it will get better (slowly, but surely).<P>Withdrawl is part of a process, and it has helped me to think of it as being part of a bigger picture (like standing too close to a painting - you know that the picture (recovery) is there, but you can't see it because you are so focused on the point right in front of your nose). As you start to take steps (little, tiny baby steps in my case) back, the picture takes on more recognizable shape. That's my way of looking at it, anyway. I'm starting to recognize a little bit more of the picture, but it really is a day by day activity (in the beginning, it was minute by minute, hour by hour: Please let me get through the next 15 mintues without thinking of her, please let me get through the next hour without thnking of her).<P>As to whether it can be done alone, I think that the answer is "yes," but it certainly is much more difficult. My wife has been very understanding and very open with me about it: "Lee, I know that you're hurting, and I know that you are grieving, but you cannot come to me with these feelings. I can't be objective enough to offer you anything." Instead, I come here to vent (quite a few posts in "In Recovery"), I speak to our counsellor, I call on a friend (not so much to ask for help, but just to say "I'm having a bad time and I need to tell someone.") I also write in a journal (or just on a scrape of paper if that's all I have at hand). Take whatever steps you can to express how you feel - don't keep it in your heart or it will eat at you.<P>Something that I recognized early on that has helped me is the knowledge that I am NEVER going to be able to completely wipe my feelings for the OW from my being. The "other person" in the affair gave you something, they filled a need in your life and were a part of your life. You can't expect to completely erase that, and as much as I wish it were the case, you can't just flip a switch in your mind and turn off your feelings. Thinking that you can is only setting yourself up for a disappointment when the memories come flooding back (and believe me, they will. Sometimes at the most unlikely time.) The memories and hurt do fade. Accept the affair as part of your life and learn what it has to teach you. There is a lesson there, you just have to be open to it. <P>My best wishes to you. It does get easier, but it also takes time, patience, and perspective.<P>Lee

One more thought.<P>Don't be afraid to cry. Don't think, "I'm supposed to be working on my marriage, how can I cry over this person?" You cry because it expresses what you're feeling (even if you do have to chalk it up to "allergies.")<P>Tears cried on the inside<BR>Stay, and stay, and stay.<P>Tears cried on the outside<BR>Dry, and fade away.<P>Good luck.<P>Lee<P>

This might sound off the wall, but it's good that we can all talk about our symptoms and finds solace in each other. In regards to withdrawal pains and dealing with it alone, maybe we can brainstorm solutions on how to handle them during those periods. What suggestions, ideas or experiences do we each have that might help another? For example: I do think about the OM alot and it is hard not to think about him especially when I am alone. So I force myself to do something productive like gardening, reading, exercise or watch a movie that does not deal with love issues. Yes, it can be hard because you don't have the energy to do much of anything. Similar to depression symptoms. In fact you are going through depression. Also, each OP is different. Some were a blessing during a stressful time in our lives while others were not. I have looked at my OM closely (he was a blessing)and tried to picture our personalities together. I ended up with more pros than cons unfortunately, but kept telling myself that we are not together for a reason. I have to learn to accept the things I cannot change. He has a family who needs him as much as my family needs me. So I keep searching for ways to move on. I have even asked that question here. I don't regret ever meeting my OM, but I need to move on as with the rest of us. So let's brainstorm. My love and prayers to you all.

Do all betrayers feel withdrawl??? Just curious.<BR>Kris

To Kris...Most likely the betrayers here are feeling it or we wouldn't be here. I am sure there are some who don't...I don't believe the OP I was involved in felt anything. Of course, I don't know that for a fact, but in 11 weeks I have never heard one word. <P>

sobeit, I don't think it is off the wall at all. I think that we need to support each other through our moments when we feel weakness. <P>When I get those "I miss him, I want to talk with him" feelings, I do what you do and focus on doing something else. It is difficult to get them out of your mind at times, but I find if I start running down the list of things that he did that hurt me or angered me, the desire to talk with him goes away much easier...<P>This is an especially hard time for me (OM and I were together a lot this time last year) and my H and I are under a lot of financial stress and H is being critical and blaming me for everything again... this is what started things last time... I feel the depression creeping into my life again... So, I find myself here, reading and posting more often lately.<P>We need to help each other through these times... it is critical to have the support... at least for me it is...<P>I'm praying for all of us...<P>

There is a scene in the old movie "Poseidon Adventure" (sp?) where the folks that were trapped in the overturned ship had to swim quite a stretch under water through some unknown corridors.<P>This withdrawl is much like that...you take a deep breath, go under, then begin your trek through the dark unknown. You don't know how long this will last...where you are going...and as you begin to fight for air, you panic and because you don't know where the next air pocket might be, you hastily go back to where you "knew you could breath" which is with the other person..and you breath deeply when getting back there...strengthening the bond of dependency that exist between the two of you.<P>Surely...it would have been better to never get in this place...but many are. I really would like to see more on this issue addressed here...as there are many that need it.

NoMas, that is an EXCELLENT analogy! Very well put!

Amen!

Sobeit:<P>Your reply sums up my experience so well. It sounds as if we had and have very similar experiences and feelings. I posted a thread in "Recovery" about the feelings I retain about the OW and got pretty well roasted for it. It can certainly be a lonely feeling, but its comforting to know that others have experienced (and are experiecing) some of the same. <P>I've taken the tack that ths is part of a life change for me. I'm not the same person I was before my affair, and I'm not trying to stop the changes that are taking place. Instead, I'm participating in my life for the first time in a long, long time. I'm not reacting, I'm acting. As Og Mandino (a pop psychologist character on The Simpsons) said, "Its time to stop being Human Beings, and start being Humans Doing." I probably could have picked a better way to kick start my life than by having an affair, but I didn't. Thems just the plain ol' facts. Now, on with my life.<P>Best wishes to all you others who are this journey.<P>Lee<BR>

Dear friends(no mas, lacee, lonelysoul,plnnr, jill, truthseeker and everyone else I missed: Too bad I can't load you up in my truck like I use to do with my kids when I wasn't feeling well. We could sing along with the rock and roll tunes, go for a hamburger and fries and then go listen to a free concert in the park and just dance releasing all that energy, pain, anger until we drop. Plus the park I use to take the kids had a large water fountain where all the kids and adults would run under and get completely soaked. I would envision the water as rinsing all my pain away. Hey do you know the words to "Radar Love"? My kids do. My love and prayers to you all!

NoMas,<P>That is an excellent analogy.<P>I don't mean for this to sound bitter and cruel, but I can't think of any other way to ask it, so please accept my apologies in advance...<P>Do you betrayers who are pining away for your OP give your spouse credit for putting up with your divided emotional attention on top of your initial betrayal? In a very real way you continue to be unfaithful by pining away. (I'm so sorry for how this sounds ) Your posts are dripping with the pain you are feeling - how do you think your spouses must feel?<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

Hi.<P>I want to clarify something about my withdrawal phase...<P>In my case, my withdrawal phase wasn't necessarily a time of "pining away" for the OM. I think I was "pining away" for the FANTASY realm that really didn't exist. I was "pining away" to go back in time and relive the day that I made the decision to meet the OM (if I could make that choice again, I'd choose NOT to meet the OM). I was "pining away" wanting my marriage to be healed. I was broken and wondered how I could be so incredibly STUPID. I was miserable during withdrawal, but I wasn't necessarily miserable because of missing/wanting/needing the OM. I was missing/wanting/needing the fantasy realm that the OM represented. I was missing/wanting/needing my husband, but my husband didn't know how to reach me, and I didn't know how to reach him (some days, we still don't). Does that make sense? Probably not. <P> <P>Jill

2sad,<P>re: "pining away"<P>Yes, I have thought about how my H feels. I have thought about the pain I feel about not being able to see the OM, wondering how he could pull himself away from me like that. And then I thought, my God, that's how my H feels about me!<P>I feel bad that I have caused my H pain, but at the same time, I can't deny myself the 'grieving process' as my counselor put it. Losing my relationship with the OM (it was an EA) is like a mini-death. I am in mourning for something that I had that was precious to me and now is gone. Once I am done with my own grieving process, I can turn my attention to my H and help him heal. I'm not there yet. I barely have the strength to get through my own pain, I simply don't have the strength to help him through his. Not yet. <P>And I still have very serious doubts about my feelings for him and my marriage in general. It's too early in the process to tell if that's reality or just my pain talking but right now I don't feel any love for my H. I don't feel any hostility towards him either. I can't think of anything he could do to change the way I feel. I hear other betrayers here saying that they know they love their spouses but the power of the addiction is too strong. My problem is that I know no such thing. It's possible that I love him and I'm not seeing it through the fog, but I can't remember ever feeling more than just a faint glimmer of warmth for him. I have promised myself and him that I will not make a decsion to leave the marriage for at least a year in order to give myself the time to get through this and see things clearly. (And also to not upset my son's senior year of high school) Sometimes, I think it's going to be a very long year...<P>