Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 134
D
Member
Member
D Offline
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 134
Most of us have had relationships where we felt real intense feelings and then later the relationship ended because the right amount of depth I guess, wasn't there. Well I think the mistake some people make is that they marry when they are all excited not just about the person they are in love with who they marry, but also about the changes in their life. Getting married, starting a family, being grown up, things like that. Well who is to say that sometimes your marriage partner relatinship turns out to be like some of those previous relationships? We all get to know ourselves better as we get older. This is what my therapist told me. She said that one thing that can happen is that when we get to know ourselves really much better, we sometimes find that the person we married isn't really the right person for us. I think that one has to be really sure about this though, before they make any kind of decision. This is why I think NoMas should go the counseling route and really give himself in full for at least a year before making a decision. But if at that point it's still not there then it's not there. Or if it's just there a little, like he can still enjoy sex sometimes but a big emotional part is still missing then he needs to decide then what to do. And he needs to be honest with his wife. NoMas, if it's no there it's not there. No one can make it be there. Give it your best shot, go to therapy and really work at it. But if it's still not there and if you know it wouldn't be there whether the OW existed or not, then maybe it's time to go and maybe that is the fairest thing to your W.<P>Del

Joined: May 1999
Posts: 2,454
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 2,454
Hi NoMas -<P>First, here's a BIG HUG for you sound like you could surely use one!!!<P>I would like to give you some food for thought, if I may.<P>WHile you are pondering, agonizing, struggling and weighing....how much enters your thoughts on what your wife is thinking, feeling, liking and disliking about your marriage? <P>Do you think only in terms of her being hurt and confused if you say something? Do you think that she has no idea that you are half in and half out? Do you think that she wants the marriage to continue like it has been?<P>Would you want to be her? Seriously, try to change places with your wife for a moment.....you have to do all she does, see all she sees, wonder all she wonders and be so overwhelmed that you are almost paralized with the feelings of helplessness of it all. <P>LIFE is busy.......sometimes way too busy for doing all that we want, let alone need to do. <P>So what do we give up, in order to go forward to a brighter future? How do we be there for everybody and do everything when pulled in umpteen directions? Then how do you accomplish making some happiness for yourself? <P>You need a partner.....that's how!!! A marriage is a "team" and it takes teamwork to keep it alive. Teammates don't just say "I" they say "we".<P>That is when the team wins......that is what it will take for life to get better at home.<P>While you are thinking about the contract - who's playing in the game?<P>Again, just some food for thought. I am so sorry for all four of you....<P>You all need to REALLY look inside of yourselves for what seems to be missing and figure out exactly what it is and then what you can do to fix it while making a better, wiser and stronger person out of yourself.<P>Hope this helps some.<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 483
2
Member
Member
2 Offline
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 483
NoMas,<P>Thanks for your gracious reply.<P>Yes, true repentence is a critical part of recovering from this kind of crisis. It is good that you can look into your own heart and, in humility, confess that you are not there yet. You have a mighty struggle ahead, because feeling true repentence means being willing to betray the feelings in your heart for the OW that you now hold as precious. I wonder what price you will have to pay before you will be ready to do this.<P>My W did and does consider herself to be an active Christian. And yes, she has been and still is deeply deceived in many ways. We are still together. I have been Plan A-ing my skinny little butt off for nearly the whole time. I received my wake up call right at the beginning and got right to work.<P>As far as OM goes, the break was unsatisfying - no real closure, just a promise not to contact any more. I would have preferred an acknowledgement that the relationship was a mistake and a reconfirmation to OM that she loved me and was determined to repair our marriage. But instead she issued a weak "no contact" email which was undermined by a 'private' message saying this was temporary.<P>On the advice of our counselor we left it at that, and that has continued to be an open wound - a source of uncertainty where reassurance was needed.<P>So we are in a kind of limbo. In theory, if I Plan A long enough she will come around. But the inherent injustice of the betrayed spouse trying to win the betrayer back, under conditions of such selfish indifference, is a tremendous emotional drain. <P>This is why I have such strong feelings about making a decision. As TooTrusting said, I don't want her to stay to do me a favor. I am not a charity case. She can either love me as a husband (imperfect as I am) or she can go. I will not be the object of her "duty" to maintain a marriage that died when she broke our vows. <P>My obligation is to open my heart to her, putting aside my resentment and pride, and work my butt off to be a better husband and make a better marriage. She needs to meet me halfway. Or not at all. And after a reasonable amount of time, indecision IS a decision.<P>Either way, I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I did all that I could, under crappy circumstances, against tough odds. God help her if she can't do the same. (this goes for you too!)<P>NoMas, both you and I have tasks that are impossible to do alone. Only God can help us. I'm not sure which one of us I would prefer to be - the tragic circumstances for both of us are just too overwhelming.<P>I agree that it would be good if even one person could read this thread at the right time and pull back or resist the temptation of infidelity. But it is probably hard to comprehend the magnitude of suffering involved without experiencing it. How sad. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23<p>[This message has been edited by 2sad4words (edited May 15, 2000).]

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 267
N
Member
Member
N Offline
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 267
Reading over many of the responses here have been enlightening. I have always felt that these boards, though they can get harsh at times, have often been an outlet where I can catch a "whiff of reality" and see things from the "other side" that help keep me in check or balance.<P>newbie...<BR>you said:<P>"Maybe it is because I am a guy that I can redirect my feeling/energies toward my wife. I am not saying it isn't difficult but not screwing around on my wife isn't the toughest thing I have ever done. You just don't do it. Why can't it be an absolute thing? "<P>I admire your strength in this area. I've been married for almost 20 years. This has never been a problem for me..at all. Like you, it was not one of the greater struggles in my life. Be careful...for "when you think you are standing firm, take heed lest you fall".<P>Some of you talk about redirecting my affections towards my wife. I understand this is what needs to be done...and that it won't change overnight. I liked the analogy of planting and cultivating someone used. <P>I heard not long ago someone say in regards to the myth that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence...that in reality, the grass is greener wherever it is watered.<P>What I am up against right now, if I may use this example concerning "attraction levels". Trying to re-connect with my wife is like finding an old role of masking tape in a drawer that has been there forever, exposed to humitidty, heat and cold, and when you pull a "fresh piece" off, there seems to be little bonding ability there. You try and work with it...and it just seems like nothing wants to stick. <P>On the other hand, the attraction to the other person is similar to one of those high powered magnets in a wrecking yard, and I am wearing a suit of armour. (probably some hidden sermons in this one :-) ) But, you have this incredible pull on one hand, and seemingly little ability to bond on the other hand....it literally just wears you down...tires your heart out...resisting, trying, failing, yielding...resisting, etc.<P>Bonnie...so what did you end up doing with the OM? <P>Interesting....I heard this one time that really describes my plight. It has to do with the way they use to hunt wolves up in the far north. A sharp knife that had been dipped in blood was set out and planted in the frozen ice with the blade and frozen blood exposed upward. A wolf would smell the blood, find it...and begin licking the blood. The taste would set him into a frenzy and he would just lick that stuff up. Before long, he had consumed the frozen blood but his tongue was now being cut by the rapid licking of the blood. He became intoxicated with the taste of his own blood and continued his mad feasting, until he bled to death.<P>Need I say more?<P>

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 2,997
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 2,997
thenewbie,<P>to answer your questions:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How did you get with your spouse in the first place? Didn't you have feeling like that for him/her? All these little butterflies in your tummy that you have for your current didn't you once have them for your spouse? <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>He's a good man. I had some warm feelings for him but nothing like what I have felt for the OM. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Don't you respect the committment that you made to him/her/God?<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, I do respect that commitment. That is why I'm here. But the commitment and the emotions are not the same thing. My H is not in my heart right now. That makes the commitment somewhat empty in my eyes.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Maybe it is because I am a guy that I can redirect my feeling/energies toward my wife. I am not saying it isn't difficult but not screwing around on my wife isn't the toughest thing I have ever done. You just don't do it. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Before I got into this situation I felt the same way. I thought "It's never going to happen." I've always considered myself to be very loyal in my relationships. <P>My marriage was never very passionate. Even as newlyweds, we acted more like an 'old married couple'. If you have very little of that passion to begin with, when it dies down, it REALLY dies down. We weren't noticeably unhappy, but we weren't happy either. I met someone that stirred up those feelings that had been so dormant. I wasn't looking for it. I didn't realize it was happening until my heart was already gone (mine was an EA, not a PA - luckily I had enough control to not cross THAT line).<P>I suspect that you can 'redirect' your feelings toward your wife because she is in your heart. There isn't much to redirect if your spouse is in your heart. However, once you have crossed that 'line' emotionally and someone esle is in your heart, it is much more difficult to redirect those emotions. Those emotions are felt for someone else, not for your spouse. It's not your spouse that stirs them in you. How do you redirect that? <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Why can't it be an absolute thing? <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Because it's not as simple as throwing a switch. When you have strong feelings of love for someone you can't just shut it off and turn it back on again for someone else in an instant. You can decide that's what you want to do and take action in that direction. But it's a long, difficult, painful process. The loss of the relationship with the OP feels very much like grieving a death. That part must be dealt with. And it takes a long time. Then you have to find new ways of communicating with your spouse to try to bring those loving feelings for your spouse back. Once the love is gone, you can't just turn on a switch and get it back. Again, it takes time. And the love may never come back. In my case, there wasn't much there to begin with.<BR> <BR>Suppose you woke up one day and your wife was gone and some other woman was in her place and you were told by some omniscient being that she is the one you were supposed to redirect your energies/love towards. Would you be able to do it? <P>That's the closest I can come to explaining to someone who has never been in this position what it's like to try to re-enter your marriage when your heart is with another.<P>The best thing to do is to be aware of the situations you put yourself in so that you won't cross the line to begin with. If there is unhappines or indifference (as in my case) in your marriage, look long and hard at what's going on. Get into counseling. Don't wait for things to get better. They won't get better unless you take action. If you find yourself looking at an OP or developing a close friendship with a member of the opposite sex. STOP. Re-evaluate yourself, your marriage and what you are doing before going any further. Once you get in this place it's VERY hard - and very painful - to get out. It's a lose-lose situation. Everyone gets hurt.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 267
N
Member
Member
N Offline
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 267
Truthseeker...<P>You just wrote to thenewbie:<P>"I suspect that you can 'redirect' your feelings toward your wife because she is in your heart. There isn't much to redirect if your spouse is in your heart. However, once you have crossed that 'line' emotionally and someone esle is in your heart, it is much more difficult to redirect those emotions. Those emotions are felt for someone else, not for your spouse. It's not your spouse that stirs them in you. How do you redirect that?"<P>Well put! When you find the answer to this, please notify me.<P>You really spoke my own heart regarding this place in a very articulate way. Thank you.<P>Even if I "knew" what to do, finding the energy and motivation to do it...is another thing.<P>My wife seems to inquire as to why am I so "quiet". She'll ask if I have been "communicating" with anyone...in vague terms. But she will ask at inopportune times. How do you open the lid on a topic such as this??? I really just can't see "going there" with her...based on what I know of her. Yet...I don't know how we can survive if I don't say anything. <P>I am certainly the "communicator" in the marriage, where she keeps things bottled up. So when I stop "communicating", she suspects something is up.<P>What a place.<P>***sigh*** <P>Funny....it is one thing to recognize truth. It's another thing to walk in it.<P><p>[This message has been edited by NoMas (edited May 16, 2000).]

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 552
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 552
I remember when I first met my husband, I was dating somebody else. I was in my first year of college, my steady was back in high school. He had given me a pretty nice ring for my birthday, and we both thought we were pretty serious. Then my husband came into the picture, and all these butterflies were stirred up. I still felt things for my steady, but he was 300 miles away. I remember the delimma I faced trying to make the decision to end it so I could pursue my husband. That was a 4 month relationship so I can well imagine what kind of delimma years of history would provide. I know the magnetic pull you are talking about. I'll give you a little hindsight in my own relationship. I chose my husband, but after the glow of romantic love has rubbed off a bit I see that I could have built a life with my steady as well. Sure there would have been problems. I see that we would have had arguments over child-rearing and the religious difference between us was a bit greater, but there would have been other things that we would have easily worked out that my husband and I struggle with right now. <P>Not that I would choose any differently than I did, but the adage that life is what you make it is so true. <P>I sense that on some level you want to make things work with your wife. Morally if not emotionally you want to make that decision so now your looking for your emotions to catch up. Make the journey easier. The no contact clause is part of making that happen. I don't think Harley intended it as a torture device. It's there to provide reassurance to your spouse, but also to help you let your heart catch up to your head. The honesty principle was designed not only as a good skill to practice in your marriage, but also to give your wife all the information she needs to support you, and help you through this. She's going to have to help you catch your heart up to your head, or it won't happen. <P>That's really scary. That chance that your wife would tell you to take the last boat over the river styx, and don't come back isn't a very pleasant one. The pain in her eyes isn't very pleasant to look at, but it's where healing starts. I can't convince you to tell, but it's something to chew on.<P>As I told you before there is all the hope in the world that you can put things back together with your wife. There is no such thing as one soulmate that magically pops out of the sky, lifts you up and takes you to some glittering castle. You build the castle. You grow to become soulmates. You cultivate the garden. The total work is the same whether you build with your wife or you build with another. You've already put in a bunch of the work with your wife so why start over?

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 587
R
Member
Member
R Offline
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 587
NoMas,<P>I seem to recall you pleading for help about a year ago, as you were having some difficulties in resisting an attraction to a woman you worked with. Now, you have moved on to another relationship, with another woman and that woman is not your wife. I bring these points up, as your situation is not as romantic as you have described in your first post on this thread. Why did you not take the advice given last year and invest in your relationship with your wife, instead of moving on to another relationship, under the guise of getting "help?" If it was not this woman that you are currently involved with, it would have been another. You were/are seeking, in my opinion, to fill the void left by YOU and your wife in your marraige. How will this solve things? <P>I do not mean to slam or flame you, as I have been on both sides of the fence, the most recent, the betrayer and both are very painful. Please, quit analyzing and justifying your actions and DO something! Work on your relationship with your wife, or cut her loose. If you choose to work on marraige, stop all contact! This is paramount! You could call Steve Harley and start implementing the Marriage Builders techniques. If you choose not to do that, move on. <P>I surely hope you make a decision soon.<P>

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 2,997
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 2,997
NoMas,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>My wife seems to inquire as to why am I so "quiet". She'll ask if I have been "communicating" with anyone...in vague terms. But she will ask at inopportune times. How do you open the lid on a topic such as this??? I really just can't see "going there" with her...based on what I know of her. Yet...I don't know how we can survive if I don't say anything. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I remember being where you are a few months ago. I finally (with the encouragement of some good floks here) got up the nerve to print out the thread where I discussed everything about how I felt about my marriage, how the EA came about, how I would like to be able to feel something for my H, but doubted that it was possible. I gave it to my H to read (with me present to answer any questions). I told thim that it would hurt him but that it was information that he needed to know. He offered to move out at first, figuring that's what I would want. Since we just bought the house last summer and he had no place to go I said there was no hurry. I felt bad about making him leave a house that was half his. After some time he said that he would not move out unless I asked him to. I have come close to asking him to leave, but haven't done it. <P>I ignored the rule of No Contact with the asumption that since it was an EA and not a PA that I could just revert back to being friends with the OM. I was wrong. The feelings were too strong. Those feelings were making it very difficult for me to assess the situation at home. It was just making things more complicated. I didn't establish no contact, the OM did. He disappeared suddenly and that hurt like He!!. I got a vague email about tending to other matters and that was it. All of my email went unanswered. That was 2 months ago. I'm still struggling. Part of me is angry with him for hurting me that way. Part of me is thankful that he did, because it needed to be done and I didn't have the strength. He is still in my heart. I have taken the viewpoint that it was the death of a relationship and I must grieve it as I would any other death. Once I have gotten through this withdrawal phase (can last a few weeks or even up to a year from what I've been told) I can examine my marriage with a clearer view and determine if that's what I want. Only then will I know whether I can have love in my heart for my H.<P>There are no quick fixes, no easy answers, and unfortunately no way to avoid the pain. The only way back to the other side is to go through the pain. <P>Although I'm still struggling I am seeing some small evidence of progress. Little tiny baby steps. Sometimes I take a few steps backward before going forward again, but you will sit forever in the pain of indecision if you don't take action. <P>As difficult as it will be write the no contact letter, tell your wife, give your marriage at least a year before making a decision to leave it. This will give you time to get through withdrawal and will give both you and your wife time to work on improving things in your marriage. Many people here say that their marriages are better now than they were before. You won't know until you get off the fence and try.<P>

Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 78
J
Member
Member
J Offline
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 78
Having read the entire thread and hearing about how difficult it is to reconnect with your wife I am compelled to recommed that you look into some forms of therapy that might help.<P>Rational Emotive Therapy<BR>Cognitive Behavior Therapy<P>Both of these methods stress thoughts and behavior oriented models. Simply stating that we have free will, we control our thoughts and thusly control our emotions and behavior. Everything we feel, think and do is a choice. A choice that creates a life.<P>Many people use these therapy methods to overcome addicitions, anxieity and obsessions and move on to better more productive efficient self serving lifes.<P>These methods can be investigated at these sites.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.feelinggood.com" TARGET=_blank>www.feelinggood.com</A> <A HREF="http://www.rebt.org" TARGET=_blank>www.rebt.org</A> <A HREF="http://www.soulselfhelp.com" TARGET=_blank>www.soulselfhelp.com</A> <P>

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 267
N
Member
Member
N Offline
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 267
Raskal...<BR> Last year...when I was struggling here at work, I got the book "His Needs/Her Needs" and devoured it. All kinds of lights went on.<P>I finally sat down with my wife and told her how I was struggling with this. SHe seemed rather "put out" with me that I could be tempted or drawn to someone else. It had never been an issue in our marriage before.<P>She was so bogged down with the pressures of school,and she basically told me...that between the demands of school and our 3 kids, she just didn't have enough emotinoal reserve to help pull me out of whatever my problem might be. I had not even "done" anything at that point with this woman at work...just resisted like crazy from getting to close. My wife used to be my best friend. But...we drifted...and we just kind of "neglected" each other I suppose. <P>I was really needing to talk more about what was happening with me and I was met with a cold shoulder. For fear of really messing up, I ended up here at MB and met someone who, with needs of her own, became a good friend and support for me...encouraging me in everyway possible. It (our relationship) took on a life of it's own with her.<P>I really don't know how many ways to tell you this...but I am NOT trying to "justify" this relationship. If that was the case, I would not waste my time here...but would leave my wife and follow my heart and to hell with everyone else. I am simply here venting because of this wretched place I am in.<P>"making a decision"<P>I am hearing that often here. Sadly...I feel this inability to do this. Guess I am waiting for something to "give" and make the decision for me. Weak? I guess. There is no decision option to leave my wife. That is non-negotiable. IT would not work. period.<P>The decision to "rebuild" with my wife...well, it's one thing to think or say you want to do that,,, but starting and knowing where to lay the first brick is another thing. What I am really needing is the "want to" to be the spark. So far, it is not there.<P>The decision to "break off all contact" with my friend....Do you know how many times we have tried that. Hardest thing in the world I have ever done. And evertime you fail, the recoil brings you back that much stronger. You fear trying again...for all all the failures we have experienced.<P>Maybe I should ease up here...and quiet down. IT's just really the only place inthe world I have to go...to "vent". Believe me, I read every word and take to heart what is written.

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 587
R
Member
Member
R Offline
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 587
NoMas,<P>I am very sorry to hear that your wife was not there for you. Please, do not let me chase you away from posting. I just feel that you are not moving forward. You are still stuck. I know it is painful, but it is MORE painful on the fence. If you want the pain to ease, you have to decide and work towards that goal. You are hurting yourself, your OW and your wife even more, by continuing this. I know, I have been there. Seek help with another man, maybe from this board? I don't know, I just encourage you to stop this madness. Easier said than done, but only you, with God's help, can decide and work forward.

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 2,997
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 2,997
NoMas,<P>I agree with Raskal here. Pray to God for strength to do what you KNOW you need to do. You said that leaving your wife is not an option. That means the only option is to stop the relationship with the OP. I know how painful this is. I myself didn't have the strength. My lack of strength came from the fact that leaving my spouse WAS an option. It still is.<P>Send her the No Contact letter. Then get rid of your email addresses that she contacts you with. Change your phone number if she has it. Take whatever drastic steps need to be taken so that you won't make contact in a moment of weakness. And you WILL have moments of weakness. When they come, pray for strength. Get some counseling (with a male counselor). You will need someone to talk to in real life since your wife has not made herself available to help you through this. The longer you wait, the more painful it will be.<P>Is the OW still on MB? <P>If you are here, do you see the pain this man is in? Do you want him to continue to live in this kind of pain? Did you see what he said about not leaving his wife? He WILL NOT leave her for you! If you love him, summon the strength to establish no contact. Change YOUR email address. Change YOUR phone number. Do what you KNOW must be done. And do it now, before the hurt gets any deeper for the four of you!<P>Pray long and pray hard for the strength you will need. You have my prayers and support.<P><p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited May 16, 2000).]

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 552
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 552
I haven't shared this very much but in November of 1998 I suspected for the first time that my husband was having an internet affair. We went through counseling, started really reconnecting, and he was ready to agree to end contact with the OW. At this time there was still a doubt in my mind that they could be doing nothing more than talking at that he had a pen pal of sorts. I didn't feel it was right to demand he stop seeing her, and so I told him that I didn't have a problem with it if he continued talking to her. I just wanted to be around when he did so that we talked to her together. From my perspective our relationship looked great. We'd had the best sex in years, were dating on a regular basis, sharing very intimate conversations. If you've never been living with a teacher this won't make much sense to you, but from about February till the end of the school year teacher's tend to go a bit whacky. The stress is phenominal. We're trying to multitask all over the place, and there doesn't seem to be much room in our lives for anything other than school. Once summer hits we regroup, but most teacher's know to stay away from other teacher's at this time of the year. It's kind of hard for our spouses. If that wasn't bad enough my parents were going through a bit of turmoil, my husband lost his job, and with all the stress of everything going on around me I expected my husband to be there to support me. There was no room for a giver out of me at all. Not that I didn't love him, but my giver was at it's limit giving to everybody else. Because of the stress my husband was under he also wanted to be a taker. He wanted me to give to him. When I didn't he found someone who could.<P>All this time I thought we were doing fine. I discovered the affair had restarted about a month before school was to let out. I had started seeing a therapist because of all the other stressors in my life. I remember him asking me about my relationship with my husband, and I told him that we were great. At least that was the one area of my life that wasn't falling apart. We had had some trouble back in November, but had worked it out. The next time I saw my therapist I was in tears. Here my relationship wasn't as great as I thought it was. <P>That was May of 1999. My husband wanted a divorce. He saw about a .000009 percent chance of us making it. A little over a year later we are still together. The OW is out of the picture, and from what I hear discussing marriage with someone else that she has met. It's hard to describe all the wonderful things that are happening now, but probably the greatest is to look into his eyes and see love again. To catch him looking my way in wonder. To have him reach over in the morning just to make sure I'm there. <P>The reason I am telling you all this NoMas, is because you are already committed to looking for the way to bring your marriage back together. You already stand a pretty good chance of getting through this. Your looking for the spark, but it is already there inside of you. It just takes one small step after another. The first step is to end contact, then find out your spouses needs, meet a couple of her greatest, work on honesty, avoid the LB's. Leave the relationship info you are finding out for her to read. I left stuff in the bathroom. I've heard of some people reading short passages and then asking their partner what they think. If she scoffs a bit, it may have nothing to do with her not wanting to know. It just may have been an inopportune time. Give it time to sink in. Let her discover as much of it herself as you can. Open up conversations about it periodically. If she starts to shift uncomfortably too much let it go for the moment. Tell her in small pieces what your needs are. Things like I feel really good when you notice that I helped you out around the house, or I really enjoy making love to you. <P>Ok, I've written a book. Getting off the box now...

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 818
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 818
Nomas - In answer to your question. The OM and I got married.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 267
N
Member
Member
N Offline
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 267
Bonnie...<BR>You wrote:<P>"I knew that once I fell in love with the om I could not have made my marriage work regardless as to if I ended up with the om or not." <P>How long has it been since you re-married? Has your life gone on 'happily ever after'? Were the kids involved? IF...you could wind the clock back...would you stll go the same route? And...if you don't mind me asking, what brings you to these boards now...?<P>Just curious.<P>Feeling so "drained" and tired today.

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 51
N
Member
Member
N Offline
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 51
You do not mention if you have tried counseling to help you find your way back to your wife? Yes it will be a hard road to hoe. You sai you are christian I believe so pray for help to be strong. You need to stop talking to the OW. You need to talk to your wife about what is going on. Yes, you might slip up and contact the OW in the process of reconciling.. you know what you do.. confess it to your wife... NEVER again put yourself in a situation of hiding things from her! That is when things get unheatlthy between you! You must have honesty between yout ogrow beyond this point in your marriage. Cheers for your belief that your marriage vows are a committment and that you need to try to make things work. Too many people today put their own selfish needs above that of their spouse and family. My H is having an affair and we have two young children under 5. He has been gone now for three months. He is acting in a very selfish manner to me and to his family who are appalled by his behavior. Whenever he talks about anything it is always in the context of his needs. He refuses to see that his decision to leave the marriage is having a negative effect on the children. As he has repeatedly said...he is leaving me not the kids.. well you know what.. when kids are involved.. it is a package deal! Huray for all of you parents out there that stay involved after a divorce with their kids... that is better than nothing.. but what about the kids needs? They didn't ask to be born and they have nothing to do with t=whatever is going on between you and your spouse and the other man/woman. All they care about is their family and they want it intact! Frankly.. I think that is their right! On a final note.. I strongly believe that anyone can be tempted into having an affair. I am glad that I have never been there but I realize it can happen to the best of us. For all of you who are in that place. Please stop and try to think in a detached manner and listen to what I am about to say. Except in cases of a truley abusive marriage...whenever you have kids, in particular young kids... you owe it to your kids to be selfless. Second... it is not just a choice between.. if I go I can be personally happy and fulfilled and if I stay I will be unhappy and won't that undermine my parental role? No... there is a third choice... the third choice is stay in your marriage and change your marriage to be what you want it to be.... go to counseling together get progessional help.. but you can do it. Don't give up and assume it can never change.. or don't give up because you think that the changes won't be permanent...don't give up when there is backsliding... and for goodness sake...spouses are not idiots.. don't treat us like it... tell us what is going on so that we can make choices in our lives.. otherwise aren't you being rather controlling of us? Tell us when you are tempted.. tell us when you have been in touch with the OW in a moment of weakness...tell us about the pain of withdrawal.. its ok.. we can take it. When we signed on to marriage it was for better or for worse.. so this is the worse.. the better is coing as well!

Joined: May 2000
Posts: 50
G
Member
Member
G Offline
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 50
Hi Nomas,<BR>I have a question I'd like to ask you:<BR>Since you had already read SA, and both you and ow were HERE at MB... How is it you allowed yourself to think it a good idea for a woman and a man, in troubled marriages, to become *buddies* & *cry on each other's shoulder about your personal problems? Surely you had a wealth of information at that point that clearly pointed out the danger of just such *friendships*?<BR>I don't get it...wouldn't deliberatly seeking a MALE *buddy* have made a lot more sense? Especially after reading all the info that you did, and with your situations and all? <BR>Just asking...

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 818
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 818
NoMas:<P>How long has it been since you re-married? <P>We've been living together/married 3 yrs. now.<P>Has your life gone on 'happily ever after'? <P>Yes, it has.<P>Were the kids involved? <BR>Yes I have 2, he has 2. My kids are with us 100% of the time and adore their step dad. His kids are with us about 30% of the time, sometimes more if their mother is traveling.<P><BR>IF...you could wind the clock back...would you stll go the same route?<P>I would have handled it differently. I would not have deceived my ex for as long as I did. I would have confessed sooner and ended our marriage sooner, he didn't deserve the hell he went through during my affair.<P> And...if you don't mind me asking, what brings you to these boards now...?<P>Originally just the reading regarding how to keep a marriage strong and healthy. Emotional needs etc...Stumbled onto these forums and since my first marriage did involve an affair the subject does interest me. I also try to encourage people to not take the same path that I did. So many speak of loving "both" and I find that nearly impossible to believe. If you still are capable of saying that you love your spouse then the marriage has a chance to survive. If you don't and can't love your spouse they deserve your being honest and giving them a chance to have a life with somebody that loves them and admires them enough to not betray them. I think the thing that upset my ex the most was the fact that my affair went on for so long before he knew about it. Knowing he was in a marriage for so long with deception. Your sitting on the fence is hurting the other woman, your wife and yourself - making you even more selfish. I know where your sitting, been there, done that. You need to S@*% or get off the pot.<BR>

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Member
J Offline
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
NoMas,<P>I have been reading your posts and I know that I responded to you when you posted here in your earlier incarnation. I have read all of the advice given to you and it is good. I have read your posts and they are heart wrenching. But I have a question for you.<P>Is the real problem of committing to your W and family, the fact that your W is not committed to your marriage? You have never blamed your W for any of this or the infactuation you had with the previous lady. However, it seems from all you have said your W plays and has played no role in your life for a long time. So I repeat the question.<P>Apart for the addiction to OW and all of that is this really about the fact that your W is not committed to you and your marriage? It seems that she is pursueing her dreams and the children and you are not a child and you aren't part of her dreams.<P>If the answer is the affirmative, then before you can commit to marriage and W, you need to have a long talk with her about both of your roles in this marriage. If you can agree to what they should be, POJA, then I suspect you will find you can commit to the marriage and although it will be painful have the will power and resolution to make things work.<P>Just some ideas to consider.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,361 guests, and 92 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Zion9038xe, renki, Gocroswell, Allen Inverson, Logan bauer
72,026 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Annulment reconsideration help
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:05 PM
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:01 PM
How important is it to get the whole story?
by leemc - 07/18/25 10:58 AM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Spying husband arrested
by coooper - 06/24/25 09:19 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,522
Members72,026
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0