WOW! Everyone, I'm so overwhelmed and grateful for your responses. Thank you for giving me perspectives from both sides of the coin.<P>I agree....pain is pain, no matter how you look at it. When I first found out about my H's affair, I did have suicidal thoughts. Thank goodness that I didn't act on them, but still, the thoughts were there. Just knowing that I even had those thoughts, scare me. When I read about betrayers having those same thoughts, I realize it is to only end the pain...it must be hard to have to live with knowing that you made a horrible mistake...but what is important, is what you do to rectify it.<P>The analogy between giving childbirth & passing a kidney stone was really interesting. Yes, I do know how it feels to have natural childbirth, but No, I don't know what it feels like to pass a kidney stone. So, I guess my H really doesn't realize the extent of pain that he put me through.<P>Wassi: I was thinking about your reply and come to think about it....my H also knows when I'm sad or concerned with something by just looking at me. I really see that he has matured and grew from this horrible experience.<P>Pre-affair, he seemed to want to act as if her were single, hanging out with those single guys in bars and getting away from the responsibilities of family/home/marriage life. The after-math of this affair has humbled him and changed him. It also made him wake-up to the fact that he has a drinking problem and needed to work on being sober.<P>I hate the affair, but I guess that I could be grateful that he stopped drinking (which our counselor said, the alcohol was the root of the affair).<P>This is getting long, so I'll stop here....thanks again everyone!

Interesting statement. The beer became part of the problem but I detested it at first. The friendly atmosphere of the mixed company and ages at the brew pub made those friends more inviting than home during the "controlling" phase of our marriage. (Meaning: who was in control of what part of the relationship.) <P>After her EA, and maybe PA, I realized what pain she had gone through by my choice of not coming home right after work. She knew the crowd, had joined me a few times. They were in awe of her ultra-running (an addiction but not important right now). But when she returned late after meetings with the OM, I knew more than I wanted to somewhat the pain she felt. Though I later said I was never with another woman during those times, it did not releive or save the relationship. I just wish she would let go of the guilt and let us have a second chance.<P>THAT is the prayer I ask for us.<BR>RRUNRR<BR>