Went to put my H truck windows up last night seeing he passed out drunk in the living room. Well I snooped too seeing he hadn't been home in over a day. Found a new cellphone and presto looked at the numbers called and it was OW's work number and another cellphone that was one digit different than my H. I just blew my stack. No they are just friends and now an easy way of communicating. Not to mention my H had a cell phone of his own but has an outstanding $165 bill that he hasn't paid spent talking to her.<P>Well I was bad and took the phone. Now he demands I give it back. While he keeps me on the back burner at home and comes and goes he talks to her and I am suppose to put up with it. Why can't he just get out and go live with her. Then they wouldn't need cell phones or what ever other things to keep in touch. He is just using me. I am ready to call her up and tell her after she told me oh we are just friends etc etc that I didn't know friends had to have family cellphones and that friends didn't leave sleezy underwear etc at my lake house. She is just laughing at me for every little thing they do and pull over on me. How can she be so smug. If my H cares soooooooo much for her why doesn't he leave me and go to her? Maybe I should ask her that.<P>I feel like I am going to bust inside. And my H just looks at me and tells me he doesn't hate me. Well than why does he continue to torture me and put me thru H***?<P>For is scum sucking bimbos sake. When will their games ever end.

bc,<P>DETACH YOURSELF! I know how painful finding out this new info is. You are allowing your H's stupid & inconsiderate behavior to consume you.<P>You are acting as if it is a surprise. You already saw proof of your H's affair at the Lakehouse. He is deceitful, a liar, a cheater...He is NOT the same person that you married. On top of it, he is a DRUNK!<P>Do you really want to waste any more of your precious time being so obsessed with him and his low-life bimbo??<P>Please.....focus on other things. As hard and difficult as it is, please move on. It will help you keep your sanity.<P>File for Legal Separation if you have to. Maybe that way, he has to move out of the house.

So BC, what are you going to do?<P>Are you going to continue on your course of self-destruction or are you going to start repairing the damage that this whole situation has caused you?<P>Your choice........<P>You want to keep thinking and moaning about what H & OW are doing to you - then I have to point out that you are wrong!!! They are not doing it to you.....you are doing it to yourself!!<P>H is in an emotional hell for some reason....that led to the drinking and OW. It is all about HIM......<P>Remember that I told you - YOU DO NOT EXIST in their little "world"!!!! That is why he says that he doesn't hate you or anything......right now, you don't enter his brain!!!! <P>Be thankful for that because you don't want to be that messed up!!!! <P>Keep focusing on them, keep talking to him about all this and trying to get "truth", keep demanding, keep rationalizing, keep making it personal and guess what? YOU WILL SOON BECOME A ZOMBIE!!!!! You will break!!!!<P>WE don't want that for you BC. We are giving you answers to what you should be doing and you ignore......it's sad.<P>WHY are you choosing to kill yourself with this? All you have to do is talk to us about what we ask you, go to Alanon and REALLY listen and start detaching from the behavior of H by realizing that he is sick......<P>But no, you have to keep thinking and finding proof and ..... and.... I don't even know what else!!!!<P>WHY???????<P>BC, we love you!! WE want you to once again be that person you used to be. WE are doing all that we can think of to help you to understand and help yourself. You have made progress (I know that you have!!) but it's like you don't want to!!!!<P>What big surprises are really happening? You haven't endured more or less than the rest of us......what you are dealing with is the same thing thousands(if not millions) of people are dealing with everyday!!!!<P>I could tell you horror stories, I lived this for years!!!! Am I a Zombie? No (at least I don't think so!!) because I decided long ago to pick myself up, understand why these people are sick and do the changing and living that I WANTED for me!!!!<P>That living has nothing to do with pride, it has to do with acceptance that I cannot change anyone but myself!!!<P>If you don't get to this point of deciding to live.......then you will stay in this hell and it is all your own doing. YOU ARE strong enough to decide!!! You just have to make the effort!!<P>I have faith in you....you can do this.<BR>Now cut the H and OW focus off - RIGHT NOW!!!!! Why keep it? Has it helped you? You are keeping yourself in your own hell......time to take our hands and start climbing the ladder out of it!!<P>Please tell us about your Alanon meeting last night.....tell us how your health is.....tell us why you feel stuck in your thinking. <P>If you tell more of H and OW I think I will scream!!!! WE know how it goes, we could probably tell YOU things that he is doing!!! <P>The bottom line is - it doesn't matter!! Until he comes back to earth from these highs of his, he will go on and on with having bad behavior. <P>It is not about YOU!!!!! Take yourself out of the fallout by changing your thoughts to yourself!!! You don't have to move or divorce or stay out of his way......you just have to think of something besides what he is doing!!!!<P>That's it.....that's all it takes!!!<P><BR>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>PS - I am waiting for your answers to all the questions I asked you!!!! Don't forget to smile about something today!!

Sheba,<P>Well I guess I got what I deserved. I must just be hopeless to quit looking for things. I am just so mad at my H and that you know what that they are playing all of their games behind my back. For God's sake why doesn't H just leave me and go for it. I want for once seeing I have bit my tongue everytime I see her to tell her exactly what I think of her and my H's shinanagans.. Is that so wrong? And then be over with it and let them have each other.<P>Last night when he came home in a drunken stupor he was crying saying he was sorry and he didn't feel good etc. Is this just his way of getting over the guilt. He goes and sees her and then feels guilty so he drinks relieving his guilt which makes me mad so he can not feel guilty about seeing her because I am a stark raving screaming loonitic. <P>I asked him to just leave and go be with her but he says she isn't what he wants just the divorce. She doesn't even matter. Then why the h*** buy cell phones together? <P>I told him that I would like to take out a full page ad in the newspaper telling everyone that I am not stupid or dumb although I am blonde and I know full well the two of them are breaking the law and having an adulturous affair. Maybe then he would believe it himself.<P>I am going to look for an apartment or house this weekend. I can't stand to be around him knowing what is going on. If he wants the house for the time being he can have it the bills and what ever else. I will sue him for maintenance for my rent. He may find out it would be cheaper to keep her. YOu know.

P.S.<P>So do I just give him the phone back and tell him do whatever and I don't care???????

bc,<P>Unless there's some legal benefit to doing so, gather more "evidence" is really counterproductive. Once I had my "evidence" and confronted my wife and the OM, I felt anger, shame, anger, humiliation, anger, and depression (did I say anger?). These resulted in a bit of "insanity" for a short period of time. My wife went out for walks in the evening about the same time. Once she left, I would watch the OM's house from a window to see if he left too. I would stay until my wife returned (never saw him come or go). When my wife would leave the house on an errand, I would look for the OM's truck. He did usually leave within 5 minutes or so and would return within 10 minutes or so of my wifes return. Our kids go to the same school. I spied on them with binoculars once to see if they were meeting each other, they did (before confronting them).<P>I tell you (and everyone) all of this to say that once you are sure, there's really no point in pursuing the snooping, digging, and skulking around. It just draws you deeper into their deception and fantasy and continued to feed my insanity.<P>Once I stopped, I was able to begin working on my own self-esteem and on drawing closer to my friends and my sons. While I still think this whole thing sucks, I don't feel so helpless anymore. I feel that I am slowly but surely gaining some control over my destiny again. She still questions me occasionaly on my behavior and actions during my insanity but I have refrained from questioning her on hers (for now).

(((((((((((((((bc)))))))))))))<P>do you have anybody you could stay with for the weekend??....<P>how avout packing up the things thatmean the most to you, writing the famous plan-B letter and leaving it with the cell phone where he will find it....<P>give yourself the weekend off, don't label it as 'leaving him'....just a few days off to enjoy somewhere else...<P>speak to a lawyer...about a legal seperation, or about removing your name from debts....I know you saw an attorney and got a few answers recently and that it seemed hopeless, but there are always ways you can protect yourself....<P>also, what you lose in terms of the house, debts, etc...maybe less than losing yourself and your sanity in the long run... <P>but yes, you seem obsessed....it hurts, and you struggle for the meaning behind things, the whys, the how-could-he, and the justificationand answers you seek are in his mind...over which you have no control or psychic ability....<P>you now have to heal you....find the power within you...you obviously have it..because you so far have not gone insane...there is your proof of your own internal strength....but heal for you....live for you...laugh for you....give him and her no more power over you...wash your hands of it, turn your back, and live your life YOUR way....<P>he stays out all night, it's his problem from now on....he gets drunk, passes out in the truck, don't roll up his windows for him...let him catch cold and freeze and be uncomfortable..if he goes to her, his problem....shrug it off...he's gone to her how many other times??...no surprise....he upsets you with his words, then walk away...tell him you'll speak to him at such a time as when he can do so respectfully....<P>no longer allow yourself to be his mother...<P>now go visit a friend, let him wonder where the hell you are....but do something FOR you...<P>leave his cellphone on a table....no explanation...give it back..it is his legally....<P><BR>Dylan<P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

Yeah i guess that is true. Once you have the truth and you have confronted them why bother looking more. But for me I have never confronted the OW I have always said nothing when I have seen her out in public even once or twice when she was with my H. I know that confronting her will probably only make me feel worse and put a feather in her cap. I don't think my H will ever tell me why maybe he doesn't know or just has lied so much about so many things he actually believes it. Just like the phones, he said it was his alone well they are on a family plan. His disregard for giving me any respect while he is still married is what really hurts me. Like they say if you love something let it go. Maybe it is time. Just get out of my life and go be with her. A few hours here and there or maybe a day or two together a week I am sure is nothing like it would be with her 24hours a day seven days a week. Then again maybe I am wrong and she is WONDERFUL. Somehow just by her actions or lack of actions, she doesn't fit the WONDERFUL mold.

yeah, but you know what??<P>who cares...about them and their actions...<P>I don't give a rats a$$ if she is wonderful...or a leper...<P>he lies...we know that....he will continue to do so until he regains sanity....its a fact...deal with it now....he will lie....protect yourself with that knowledge...<P>but the important thing.....<P>what about you....<P>what are YOU doing this weekend?<P>like I said....get out...do something for you...<P>at some point you have to acknowledge that you are seperate entity apart from the pain...you need to prepare yourself for the time when a little bit of 'you' comes back and sees herself....<P>right now, you are the center of your universe.....do you get it???<P>YOU are what matters.....<P>pretend he is a roomate...if you have a spare room, move into it....do something [censored] for yourself...establish your own 'space'...a safe place within the house where his affair doesn't come in...<P>these are just suggestions..but a 'time-out' from everything might help...you just sound so miserable...so much pain....and he is always drunk....well, or so it would seem....you can't plan anything while he is drunk.....maybe I'm wrong here, and any opinions are welcome, but until he is sober, you can't plan...he is irrational...constantly...<P>so, bc, tell me, what are YOU doing this weekend?<P><BR>Dylan

BC<P>I agree with Gonnatry. If you keep snooping and finding things, it's only going to make you feel more out of control and do crazy things. I speak from experience. My H & OW have a joint checking account, they've leased a car together and she's about to move in with him. Our divorce has not even been filed yet. Like you, I went ballistic. Then I realized I was hurting myself, not them. I know you hurt right now. I know you are tired of all this sh*#! But for your own mental health, quit snooping. It only makes your agony more acute. Please take care of yourself.<P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Hi BC -<P>BIG HUGS to you Darlin'....<P>I know that you are mad...I know that you are hurt......I know that you don't understand why he doesn't just go and be with this woman and those drinking pals and leave you the hell alone.....<P>You have every right to feel hurt and angry....you have every right to want this behavior out of your face every day. There is nothing "wrong" with these feelings.<P>What is "wrong" is that you know that this is part of affair and alcoholic addiction.....and yet you still question him for answers!!!! He DOES NOT know why he is doing any of this. He has been taken over by them!!!!<P>Do you understand that? Do you see that it is part of infidelity and alcohol SICKNESS!!!!! <P>You can't run and hide behind the whys in this!!! YOU MUST become strong and lead yourself out of the routine that you have gotten yourself in. <P>You are a good person and I know that you are smart......start using that God given intelligence and stand on your own two feet!!! Not only for you - but for your sick H and all that your marriage has meant to you in the past. <P>What you said about H coming home drunk, crying, not feeling good, etc. - Are these the signs of a man who has full charge of his senses? Is this a man who is REALLY in any shape to come up with some master plan to hurt you or drive you nuts on purpose?<P>OF COURSE NOT!!!!! He is sick!! He is an addict!!!! He has major issues that ONLY he can work on when he sees the light someday.<P>Do you want to just keep in this emotional hell til then? Do you want to just run?<P>OR do you want to accept what is happening, gain some strength and then start leading your partner in how grown-ups need to behave!!!!<P>They don't scream, yell, rant, rave, cry, plead, or retaliate when they deal with an addict or worse yet - an addicted child - do they? NO!!<P>So why are you?<P>C'mon BC - you know this!!!! <P>First step....Like Dylan asked - what are you going to do for the Memorial Day Weekend? What do you think would get your mind starting to clear and you would actually have some fun at or with or doing? What would make you lighten your heart - even for only a couple of hours?<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Sheba,<P>I am actually thinking about renting a car seeing my truck is a gas hog and leaving town for the weekend, for where anywhere but here. Just get in the car and drive till I get where I want to be or stop when I want. Sound crazy? That way I wouldn't have to worry about do I go to the races tomorrow or stay home I just wouldn't be around and maybe being away from here is what I need right now. It is suppose to rain all weekend here in the northeast so I wouldn't be able to go to the lake with my parents. They have a boat and were going to go for a day but the weather is not going to cooperate. <P>Right now I am home and almost afraid to be here. My H is outside and all the guys just left so I am sure he will be coming in soon asking for his phone back. <P>I just feel the urge to leave everything around me and get out of this all knowing town. Not telling my H where I was going of course, just a getaway.

hey...where in the northeast....<P>ever driven to canada???<P><BR>lol<P>Dylan<P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

Upstate New York. I have been to Canada but many years ago when I was young. Any good suggestions?????????

yeah,...<P>Montreal......it's nice and rainy this time of year....LOL....plus it's where I live....<P>and your money is worth alot more...<P>Dylan<P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

BC -<P>I am in CT - come on down!!!!<P>I guarantee that you will not go home feeling the same as you left it!!!!<P>Scary or what? LOLOLOLOL!!!!!<P>I have got plenty to do....and say...<BR>....and to hit you in the head with!!!<BR>LOLOLOL!!! (kidding!!)<P>Oh, but most of all....plenty of hugs!!!<P>How long is it to NH County, CT for you? Is Canada closer?<P>Let me know - I'm here!!!!<P>Sheba<BR>

Well CT is closer than Montreal but Canada(meaning like Niagara Falls) is probably closer than CT. I know that there is a big Casino in Niagara Falls and I was looking into that. Not that I am a big gambler but you never know. The only trouble is that knowing my luck I would hit it big and then have to share with my H. I am still up in the air. I am going to wait till the morning to see what I feel like doing and then wing it so to speak. I was also thinking of flying to Florida but that was $450 just for airfare. A bit more than I was thinking.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!<P>You made me laugh!!!! That would happen to me too!!! I have the lousiest luck with things - but it would be true to form that I would hit big and have to share with H!!! <P>Boy, that would really tick me off!!!<P>Use a different name!!! Would that work? Wonder if you could ask them to hold it for you for awhile? LOL!!!<P>What do you play at the casino?<P>I like the slots, although I will hit the blackjack or poker tables if not to crowded.....<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

montreal has a casino....<P> <P> <P><BR>of course, I've never been there....i once lost my 1st yr university tuition while casino-hopping in the bahamas...sigh...<P><BR>Dylan<P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

I usually just play the slots not to good at anything else. I am not sure if I will go anywhere or not. Got up this morning feeling pretty achy with my arthritis. I can tell it is going to rain. H was gone again last night. I think I might just go to my parents maybe and hang out there or something.