Why do I stay in our marriage? We have a child, my parents divorced, and I can see the long-term and profound damage divorce does to children. <P>I too saw through the years that we had problems. I attempted to bring up the subject when I recognized them (but not immediately and not as assertively as I should have) but my H, a real conflict avoider, denied that anything was wrong. Years worth of denials. <P>Finally in July 99 he told me about all the things I had done to hurt him. He nursed these wounds for 14 years, dragged out the pettiest grievances (as well as some bona fide things that I can recognize and be truly ashamed of). But the time to wrestle these problems was then. Instead of dealing with them, they festered inside, all the while we (mostly he) said "Everything is all right. If it ain't broke, don't fix it."<P>I went on my merry way, ignoring his needs for conversation (imagine! A couple where the wife needs conversation less than the husband!) and he found a girl (yes, a girl) who talks non-stop. <P>This is longer than I anticipated, sorry guys. I wrote more than I talk.<P>Anyway, he told me in counseling that he was hurt because I wouldn't talk when he came home from work, that I used single syllables and non-responses and got grumpy and cranky when he tried to get me to talk. My excuse is that at a certain time late in the day I can't find the words I need (I get mentally exhausted) and don't want to be bothered. It's selfish of me, and I denied him this need for years, and now I make a concerted effort to push my brain and my tongue to be thoughtful and respectful to his comments and questions. It isn't natural to me; it's kind of like trying to turn your ankles outward in a ballet position when you've walked toes forward all your life.<P>But is it too little too late? And am I less interesting and amusing than the Girl? I certainly am less kind, and have perfected the art of Love Busting to a high form. <P>Struggling to find the words,<BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Thanks to all who are responding. This really is a question that lurks in all the minds of the betrayed.<P>Bellevue - I think you found just the right words to express what you were thinking! Well said!<P>TL

This is sure a great topic and several posts have sprung up. These have been great threads! I think that unhappy spouses who wish to stay in their marriages, but don't participate or try to look at their contribution to their unhappiness need to make a decision - if you are so unhappy, get out. Sure, your spouse will be hurt, but I guarantee that they will be more hurt to find out that in addition to wanting out of the marriage and no longer caring for them, that you are having an affair as well. This is adding more pain to an already painful situation. If you decide to stay, then stay and honor your marriage vows! (No sex with other people)! Unhappiness is no excuse for an affair. There is no marriage problem that exists that having an affair will help, except for helping to end the marraige. If you are going to "sit on the fence", then sit on it by yourself!! No playmates allowed. Honor your vows until you have at least informed your spouse that you want out or want a separation. No sex with others until you have honestly declared your wish to end the marriage to your spouse. Why is this so hard? Having an affair as a backup is profoundly disrespectful to your spouse, yourself, your marriage vows, and yes, even to the OP who you have chosen as your backup. Be honest - show some backbone!!! Stop lying to yourself that you are not at least half of the reason for your own unhappiness!! (Unless, of course, there is abuse involved - in that case - run for your life, but don't involve someone else). Yes, I know people make mistakes, and hopefully learn from them, but in the end analysis, we all know affairs are wrong and hurtful. When making the mistake of having an affair, it's not like the betrayers are not sure that it is wrong or not. The only thing they don't know is whether or not it will be beneficial to them, which they obviously think it will be, or they wouldn't do it!! Affairs are all about self-interest, and most of the time, are to the detriment of others (spouse, children, etc.) They are not something that "just happened", "couldn't resist", etc. There are choices involved. First, the betrayer chooses to get too emotionally involved with someone of the opposite sex. Then, they allow the realtionship to become closer until romantic and sexual feelings appear. They choose not to tell the spouse about the relationship or their unhappiness in the marriage. They choose to let the relationship with the OP to become more important than the relationship with the spouse. Finally, they decide to have sex with this person, and continue the relationship, knowing that it is wrong, and will cause much pain, whether or not it is discovered, but especially when it is discovered by the spouse. All these choices must be made - it does not "just happen!!!"<p>[This message has been edited by Lady M (edited May 31, 2000).]

Nice reply LadyM