no more<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]

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no more<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]

<B>yuki miaka</B><P>Don't feel inadecuate or upset. In a different fashion my situation is also very different than most people's in this site, and I have also posted about my frustration for the lack of response not one, but many times.<P>The fact of the matter is (and I finally understand it) that when one cannot be helpful one also tries to not get in the way for fear to mislead or offend.<P>Hang around here; even if you don't get many responses (how many are "many" anyway?) you'll maybe get some ideas that may help you.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B><p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited June 03, 2000).]

<B>yuki miaka</B>...<P>Yes you are young... (1/2 my age)...<BR>...and patience is hard to learn and practice for the young. (not meant to be derogatory... honest.)<P>This weekend is exceptionally <B>s l o w</B>...<BR>...some are slow ...others have more action<BR>...but this weekend is something else.<P>I see you're getting discouraged with this particluar forum...<BR>...and you say that your problem is unique...<BR>...and it is!<P>Your situation isn't really an infidelity issue...<BR>...unless something strange is happening between your H and MIL.<P>But your situation has similarities to <B>all</B> of ours...<BR><B>We're all learning how to be better marriage partners</B>!<BR>The impetus is different...<BR>...our goals ...what we have to learn ...how we have to grow... skills to develope...<BR><B>are the same</B>!<P>I, most certainly, don't want to chase you away... but have you checked out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=3&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Negotiating in Marriage</A> or the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=12&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Pre-marriage & The Early Years</A> or even the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=2&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Resolving Conflict</A> forums?<P>I'm praying for you... )<P>Jim

no more<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]

<B>yuki miaka</B>,<P>Have you considered <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>?<P> <P>Jim

no more<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]

<B>yuki miaka</B>,<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> requires a firm and good <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> before you transition into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>...<P>Did you get a chance to read my old <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A> posts?<P>Of course... on disadvantage of moving to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... is that "divorce" becomes a much greater possibility... <P>I hope you never have to make it to the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A> forum!<P> <P>Jim

Hi Yuki,<P>I hear your frustration coming through loud and clear. Yes your situation is "different", as Alex said so is his, so is mine. Yes you are young, about the same age as my older sons (also fans of anime).<P>A couple of times I've started a reply to you but just wasn't sure that I had anything to contribute to you. I'll go ahead and take the plunge, bear in mind that I have lived temporarily with my in-laws a couple of times and that I am closer to your MIL's age than yours.<P>I found it disturbing that you did not want to eat food that your MIL prepared. Both of our mothers go to great lengths to fix things they think we would like and would be very hurt if one of us refused to eat. If one of my sons' girlfriends pointedly declined to join us for dinner I would wonder about her,<BR>declining a particular dish, ok, but everything becuase I had prepared it! How could that be seen as other than an insult?<P>Try to think of your MIL as a asset to your child rather than a rival. Again the age thing (WW II, there are hordes of us), but both my H and I were largely raised by grandparents in our early years. It has not reduced our attachment to our mothers.<P>Try to apply plan A to both your husband and your MIL. Maybe she is an unmitigated ***** and nothing will work but it will surely surpirse both of them.<P>Last but most important, can you move? A little distance might make a huge improvement.<P>I've run on Yuki, think of it as a sign of age.<P>Take care.

no more<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]

HI Yuki,<BR>Okay, so this is a screen name-for many yrs I lived in a multicultural, expensive setting and what you described was not uncommon.<BR>removed<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited June 04, 2000).]

removed<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]

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<B>yuki miaka</B>...<P>I hope you didn't get the idea that I was pushing you to the D/D forum...<BR>...I was not...<P>I just want you to think about your situation...<BR>...and in the big scheme of things<BR>...you really can't rule out a failure of your marriage.<P>It doesn't mean a failure with you...<BR>..or with your H... necessarily.<P>I see you have a faith in God...<BR>...a very blessed thing...<BR>...but even at a young age...<BR>...do realize that "<B>bad things happen to good people</B>"...<P>...that's part of God's gift of free will<P>...and there is little you can do with your H's free will... by definition... it is his!<P>I'm not sure if it is available to you...<BR>...but perhaps some Christian (or similar) counseling really should be considered.<P>BTW: counseling does <B>not</B> mean your nuts...<BR>...it's just sometimes we all need to be heard... <P>I'll keep on listening too... <BR>Praying too!<P>Jim

Hi <P>I've never responded to you, but then again, I don't respond much anymore, or post, for that matter. <P>I've posted over 2000 times, and I began a thread just like this when I came here! I know how it can be... but the one thing that I realize is that people read stuff but have nothing constructive to offer, so they just don't answer. It doesn't mean they aren't thinking of you, praying for you, caring. I know it *feels* like it sometimes. I was there. <P>I remember feeling like it was a clique that I couldn't penetrate...and then one day I just began posting all over the place and became one of them... offering my help, or at least just a thought...<P>I'm sorry your feeling are hurt, and that your situation is so different. To be honest, I had to live with my stbx's parents when we first married, and I wouldn't eat what was prepared either... and there were plenty of good reasons for it... so I do understand that.<P>Take care, and please don't take the lack of responses as a slap... most people just don't know quite what to say, so they say nothing rather than cause more pain to an already painful situation.

removed<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]

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removed<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]

Yuki,<BR>I too have a situation that's not like any other on this board. Unlike you, I've started a thread of my own just once. Didn't get much response. So I'd post some comments on other threads, and still not much acknowledgement of my input. Guess I don't know much! I keep trying to change that. When I make a comment, and then follow it with a specific question, I find people responding. <P>When I read this post of yours, I can easily see how much anger and hurt you are experiencing. Personally, I'm not sure how to respond except to acknowledge that you are being heard. Much of your post was a list of negative reactions that you thought you might receive. Is that what you routinely experience in your household/marriage? That would be a terrible situation indeed.<P>I'm going to wager a guess that you would like very much to get rid of that anger and pain. I've read through the plan a plan b material. Call me Bob Packwood, but I just don't get it. Then I read a post that finally made sense to me. Plan A is about making YOU the person YOU want to be. It's your key to leaving that anger behind you if have to do a plan b, or better yet, achieving a harmonious marriage. (NSR, am I starting to "get it?")<P><BR>