I may have been a bit premature when I said that the ritual with the birdseed didn't work. I was expecting a flood of emotion. I was expecting to feel the loss, deal with it and move on somewhat instantly. When I didn't get that flood of emotion, I assumed I had numbed myself to it and that it didn't work.<P>I've noticed, though, that this week I've been calmer about it. I still miss the OM but with much less intensity. The urge to send him more email is very manageable now. It's not a constant struggle to keep from doing it. I'm not thinking of him as much and when I do it's easier to stop.<P>I think maybe it did work. It got me unstuck.<P>I'm still thinking of doing the letter (putting pen to paper rather than electronically so I won't be tempted to send it) and shredding it. Just to move me further along.<P>

TS...<BR> I think you may be right..letting go" is not generally as dramatic as we think it will be. Much like most of the important things in life, they often sneak up on us.<BR> Hugs--<BR>Kathi

It's funny how these threads can sometimes bite you. I was here today, neither depressed nor overjoyed, mostly thinking.<P>When I read NoMas' post, suddenly hot tears came to my eyes? Why? Because harder than anything else in this whole process for me as a betrayed has been the nagging question: will he ever love me like that???<P>I think behind all the needs and the other "stuff" is the longing we all have to love and be loved. And in a very real sense the betrayed and betrayers feel the same pain of unrequited love, only for different people.<P>Sometimes we think our spouses are just not capable of certain levels of love, not the "intimate type". But I learned in 100+e-mails and chats between h and OW that he made available to me after d day how very deeply he can feel. But not for me???<P>He is doing all the right things, but does he feel deeply for me??? It seems I cannot find rest until someone loves me like that.<P>Where did all this come from??? Ouch, gotta go pick up the kids.<P><P>------------------<BR>Cindy

It's over 24 hours since the emotional post above, and I see no one has been back here.<P>I got the best reply though. From my h. Seems he does have those feelings for me, it's really hard to believe it sometimes after all the time I heard there were none, never had been in love...<P>As for those of you missing the OP, I'm not in the just get over it camp, even though I'm a betrayed. I know it's not easy.<P>NoMas, you still sound so tortured. Are you maybe trying to be a martyr? Kill the feelings for OP and live your life without the loving feelings? Are you attempting the impossible?<P>You once said you were looking to God to meet your needs. But I mean no irreverence in saying he will not meet your ENs. If Adam, before the fall in direct commune with God still needed Eve, how much more don't we?<P>Picture yourself feeling that way about your WIFE. And remember the goal is not just to get over the OP, but to fall in love with your spouse again. And it seems to be happening for us!<P>I have thought it might help if I asked him to post?

Thank you schizzo. I'm feeling a bit discouraged today. This post helped.<P>Yes, I think maybe if he posted his story, how he feels now and how he got there, it might help.

TS...I am sorry you are feeling down today. Please keep in mind that letting go isn't a one-time, smooth thing...you don't just open your fist, blow on it, and *poof* those feelings are gone.<P>It is a gradual thing. The feelings wax and wane. Gradually, they come back with less intensity, but they still do wax and wane for quite a while. You were doing pretty well the other day...you are down today. But, you will be doing better again soon, and soon the down spots won't be so far down anymore.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi