I need insight from anybody. I'm sorry this is long. I hope some patient soul can muddle through this and reply. <P>My H had a ten month affair (PA/EA and any other way you can think of) with a woman of ill repute (sleazy ex-co-worker). He first confessed a very "condensed version" of an affair, not revealing OW's identity and saying affair was long over with strange mystery woman. You know, didn't want to harm virtuos OW. I thought A was over and had resolved to work on our marriage. TWO MONTHS later he was cornered into revealing the whole truth by detailed cell phone bills I ordered. I kicked him out, consulted with a lawyer, blah, blah, blah. We had been in counseling that whole time and I was working so hard to - well, not kill myself. It was a devasting betrayal. All of it has been. <P>The night he told me the truth about the A and who the OW was, I demanded we go to her apartment. He took me there and told her it was over, he loved me, wanted to work on his marriage. He cut off contact then (so the story goes). Since then he has been trying really hard (so it appears). He is finally getting help for the depression he has suffered from for years. He is on Prozac and sees a counselor. In fact, he is there now. I can say that for sure because I make him bring me the receipts. Otherwise, I would not be so bold as to say I know where he is. <P>He seems to be a changed man. He has turned into a man who is patient, loving, and devoted to his children. He really could not be more supportive of me. He listens to my tirades, wants to hold me, comfort me etc. We are Christians and he has turned back to God. He prays relentlessly, has gotten back into church and SS, etc. God has become very important to him. <P>He abides by the whole "fog, it was an illusion, what was I thinking?" MO. He says it makes him sick now to think of all that he did and risked. We have two small children. I was pregnant when the whole thing started. So, he basically was putting my life and that of our baby at risk because this woman is a major league SLUT. Anyway, I could write pages on how AWFUL he has been and how much devastation he caused.<P>But, the purpose of this post (finally, sorry) is this:<P>I am having a really hard time. I don't know if I can ever get past the hurt. Last night I tried so hard to make everything right when he came home from work. I cooked him dinner and made his favorite dessert. After dinner he was reading a book, talking to me, playing with the kids (instead of old habits - watching tv, ignoring everybody, throwing temper tantrums) Things were rolling along great and then WHAM I got so angry. It floods back to me in torrents and I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I wonder if I will ever go two minutes without thinking of HER and all he did with her. I wonder if I will ever stop being tormented by the images, the hurtful things he said to me and our children. And so then I just start to think, "Forget this. I can't live my life always feeling degraded, disrespected, unwanted, unloved, betrayed, humiliated. I can't live my life in wait for him to return to his old self and yell and curse at me again. I can't never believe a word my husband says. It can't work like this." <P>I get a thought in my head and I cannot get it out. I have all the detailed billing so I know that, for instance, he called her first thing in the morning everyday. He called her a million times on our anniversary and me only once. He called her after talking to me almost every time. There is so much and I know nobody is going to want to read all this. So, I'll wrap it up. I just can't begin to tell you how many HURTFUL, HORRIBLE things he has done that I have to live with and I don't know how. I am captive. He doesn't understand why I keep reliving this junk, why I keep poring over phone records, why I get so upset when it isn't something he did today. He was clueless last night when I freaked out "out of the blue" and couldn't function the rest of the night. This morning he told me the most counterproductive thing in our marriage right now is my lack of communication. I don't know how to tell him. I don't know how to say, "I know you called her five times on our son's birthday and I think my heart might stop beating because of it." or "I can't get the picture of you having sex with her and telling her you love her while I was home recovering from having our baby out of my mind and I can't breathe when I think of it." How can I convey to him all the pain that I feel? He doesn't get it. <P>My self-esteem is gone. I lost the rest of my baby weight on the infidelity diet and now when I eat a big meal, like last night, I freak out because I'm afraid if I gain any back he will not want me again. And then I get mad because I should be able to eat a meal without fearing my HUSBAND will sleep around!!! I am so tormented and filled with grief. I don't know if there is any rescue from this pain.

Dear Dead Inside,<P>Have faith. I am in your shoes too. I know what you are going through and have had all those feelings. Today happens to be a good day and I pray that tomorrow is too. I never really know when my mood is going to change. I try to cling to the fact that it has happened before and I was able to come out of it, so I know I will be able to overcome the anxiety again. <P>You said that your H has found God again and has changed his life around. So has mine. He is sorry and can't believe what he did, like yours. He says it was the darkest period in his life and his lack of spirituality made if difficult to make the right choices. Satan has a way of preying on people who are down and weak. He makes the bad look good and the good look bad. <P>We went to our priest on DDay and he told us what we needed to do. It was the best advice I have ever recieved in my life. He said my H was dead inside and needed to rebuild a relationship with God before he could see the love in ours. For God is love and we examplify that love through each other. He told me that I have strong faith and that now was the time I needed to stand up and fight like never before. He wasn't talking about fighting for my husbands attention and love, he was talking about fighting Satan for my husbands salvation. Satan would have loved for me to give up and say I can't do this. When I am feeling down (and I do everyday) I pray to the Lord to stand with me and fight. To give me strength to go on. I won't let Satan win. I try to look at it like that. My husband is good -- Satan is bad. Satan had a hold on him and now he doesn't. My H has given it up to God and is worthy of my forgiveness.<P>My suggestion to you is that you and your husband pray together everyday. We pray before we sleep and before we part for the day. It was awkward at first because we weren't used to it. Now we look forward to our time of prayer.<P>We also started doing a bible study together that has a reflection at the end and it only takes about 10 minutes a day to do. It is wonderful and I can think about it throughout the day and try to apply what I learn from it daily. I too have so much to be forgiven for. If you are interested in this particular study it is called "God's Word Today". It is a monthly subscription. We found it on the web at <A HREF="http://www.godswordtoday.org." TARGET=_blank>www.godswordtoday.org.</A> <P>I will pray for you today. Don't let Satan take control. Give that to God. Accept your pain as a cross to bear and build strength from it. Jesus is with you all the way. <P>Take care,<P>Jane

Hello,<P>I'm sure that you chose your username to describe how you feel, I can honestly say that I remember that feeling.<P>To me, one part of that dead feeling was believing that I was all alone in my hurt and pain, that nobody else in the world could feel what I did. Coming to this site made me realize that wasn't true. When you describe the hurtful things your husband did, most of us can empathize because we suffered through the same kind of things. I know that I certainly did.<P>To answer your question, NO the pain will not feel like it does now forever. My husband's affair was about six weeks last summer. He confessed to me 9-27-99. For the first few weeks I honestly thought I was going to actually die from the pain, or at the very least lose my mind. It still hurts just as much, but I have learned to handle it better.<P>I realized that I could not survive the way that I was going. Some people turn to antidepressants for help with coping. I chose not to do that. At first, I thought there was no way that I could forgive the betrayal and continue in our marriage. I prayed everyday, many times, that I could just survive.<P>I slowly came to the realization that whether or not our marriage survived, I needed to forgive my husband for my own peace of mind. Our counselor asked me if I wanted to give up a relationship that had lasted 24 years for what my husband called a six week thing that was the biggest mistake of his life. I believed that I could never trust him again, but knew that we would always be involved because of our two children.<P>I prayed for the ability to forgive, and read everything I could about surviving an affair. When I finally did forgive my husband, I agreed to give him a chance to repair the damage that he had done. I wanted us to be able to get along, whether or not we stayed married. So I guess I did a modified Plan A, and it worked as promised. It made ME a better person.<P>We are in recovery, and both working for a better relationship. BUT, we still have the same kind of setbacks that you describe, they just don't happen as often or as intensely.<P>Please have hope, things will get better. You mentioned being a Christian, so I know you can get strength and guidance in that faith. Also remember that you are not alone, and that there are always others here who can truly understand and relate to your situation.<P>I can also promise you this- It feels so good to feel better, and you will. It does take effort and time, but it will happen.<P>See, I read all of your post, and wrote just as much! <P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

Oh, Honey, here are some big hugs for you! and don't worry about the length of your post - I'm the QUEEN of long posts!!! <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dead Inside}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>And yes, we WOULD believe all the hurtful, horrible things he's done, all the pain and torment you're going through. We've BEEN there - most all of us. It does and will get better, I promise. And you hold the key.<BR>And, no, I didn't believe Deb when she told me that either! But she was right.<P>Now, you go have a good cry, get some of this junk out of your system - you deserve that. THEN we'll get down to business! There are a LOT of things that you can do. And you are SOOO lucky. Your husband IS trying, working with you, doing all that he can. Let him help you through this while you're working on helping yourself.<P>The pain CAN ease. You'll never forget, thank heavens, but it will get easier and easier, the memories more and more distant. You CAN fall in love with your hubby again, you can trust again, in the marriage that you guys are building!!! That's the real key!<P>You deserve that happiness. And you can make it happen! <P>Oh, well, I've gotta run for now. You start reading again. All the stuff on this site. All our stories, especially the successes. 'Cause right now you have everything it takes to BECOME one! <P>Lift your head and start telling yourself, over and over again, that you deserve the BEST life, the BEST marriage, with the man you chose to marry and who's there with you, fighting hard every step of the way - even through HIS pain...and, Honey, he has been in pain, too. More than you can imagine.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dead Inside}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>More hugs, just 'cause you need them. You are NOT alone...we'll help you every step of the way, ok?<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited June 21, 2000).]

{{{{{{{{{{{Dead Inside}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>Yes the pain will fade. It sucks that we have to wait for it to fade. I PROMISE it does. Sometimes it will come back in great big intense waves but it will be easier to control<P>Right now you are recovering from some of the most devastating shocks of your life. i believe it is a taype of Post traumatic stress. Your body and soul are having a hard time dealing with it.<P>The phone bills make me shiver. I had 7 years of them between the "friendship" and the affair. My H would sneak into the bathroom when we were out on a date to call her. He didn't have the brains to hide these from me. He left the receipt for her $700 Xmas gift on my dresser. Not on purpose...because he was brain dead. I do his books so I had to write every recepit and find an excuse for it then add them up. I was considering starting a new column titled "affair". <P>nough about me. Can you burn some of this stuff? Bonfires are real great for cleaning the soul. If he would do it with you it would be better.<P>As far as sharing your feelings...can you write them out for him? Tell him that anything he wants to talk about you are willing? If he reads it you don't need to worry about exploding.<P>Now don't be so hard on yourself. I think your expectations for YOU are too high right now. Yes we want this to go away NOW. We want amnesia more than anything in the world some days.<P>It's hard to appreciate the good things when you have been lied to so much. But try to write the good things down. Look at this list of the things he is doing. It's hard to let yourself believe in it I know. He must keep doing all of those things and more.<P>I have a fear that if I believe in him, I will be hurt again. It comes from believing so many times and being burned. It is a natural fear. I have to accept that and try to get through it. <P>Hang in there. You're doing much better than you know. Sometimes we feel like everyone else is doing just fine and we are stuck in a rut. The truth is that we all have our ruts. <P>{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>Keep talking. You're in my prayers.

Reading your post bought back to me just how painful the early days, weeks and months were for me, I remember thinking the same as you are now, will this ever stop? will I ever feel normal again, will I ever stop seeing those images in my head, will I ever live another day where I can not think about this at least a million times?<P>My wife just couldn’t understand this pain, I don’t think anyone can unless they have experienced it for themselves, its natural for the betrayer to want to move forward quickly, they don’t like seeing their partner in so much pain and I remember my wife saying "we need to move forward now" and "can we just put it behind us" ... its not something that can be forgotten, it takes time. Gradually for me things got easier the pain was still there but not as intense, I think you learn to cope with it. Then after about 8 months I woke up one day and it was an amazing feeling, like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders, the hurt had not disappeared but I felt that I didn’t have to think about the affair constantly, I could control my feelings. I'm not sure if this is typical in recovery but it sure felt great to think about and talk about other things. Hang in there because there is a light at the end of the tunnel.<P>Take care and stay strong<P>pitin<BR>

Thank you all for responding. He called me after the counseling session and said they talked about me and the counselor wants me to come with him next time. He has the affair and I'm the one with all the problems. Not that I can't benefit from it, it just makes me mad. <P>Ya'll talk about the memories becoming more and more distant and the pain becoming bearable. How does this happen? Some days for me are better than others, but it is always there. Does this just fade with time? I tend to be obsessive about everything and to have a memory like an elephant, so I can relive so much. What do I do with all these facts? How do I process all of this? Do you just chalk it up to "the fog" and let it roll off your back? I can't do that. I can't describe how I feel about not knowing what to do with all of this. <P>It's like if somebody kept delivering boxes of snakes to your house and you couldn't stop the deliveries and you couldn't kill the snakes. You have to find something to do with them. What do you do? They are all over your house. That's how I feel. His betrayal and his lies and the memories are like snakes all over my house, biting me and lurking everywhere. They just keep coming and I don't know where to put them or how to get rid of them. <P><BR>

I think the way you used boxes of snakes to describe your feelings is brilliant, it’s just like that. I guess at the moment every time a new box of snakes is delivered to your house, you go to the door and accept the delivery as time goes by you will be able to ignore the doorbell and not accept delivery every time and even though the snakes will always be there in the boxes stacked up outside your door you will be able to keep them in the boxes and not let them out in your house.

Dead Inside<BR>You are not alone!<BR>I understand, really I do.<BR>I wish I could make it go away for you. <BR>Kill those darn snakes. Do some sort of ceremony like the bonfires. Get it out. Tell yourself those things are yours. Get rid of the triggers that you can get rid of.<P>My favorite ritual was the one I did with the shirt Bimbo gave my H. It "accidentally" got ripped in the washer. <BR>So I tore it into little pieces and used them for two weeks to clean the cat litter box. What a stress buster that was. Almost called her to tell her I needed another.<P>There is no quick fix. I wish there was.<BR>Try imagery. Putting the thoughts on a shelf like a closed book. They are still there but you have shelved them.<P>The fading happens slowly. Sometimes I stop and think about those moments of terror. They were hideous. But the truth is that I don't have that terror anymore. When the fading is so gradual sometimes we don't notice. It takes remembering the intense terror to realize that this is better. There is a tomorrow. The world didn't end like I felt it was going to.<P>The councelor is a good idea. Maybe the councelor needs your input in order to help your H help you. look at it that way if you can. <BR>Keep talking. Get it out.

pitin,<BR>It helped to think of ignoring the door bell. But, I will have to buy stock in some heavy duty weather stripping to keep them out of this house...<P>wasstubborn,<BR>Okay, the cat litter remark was the first time I laughed out loud today! Thank you. How I wish I had something tangible I could smear her memory with... I just don't think I can burn the phone records I have. That is like the only TRUE things I have of his affair. He can say whatever, but I am like, "No, you called her at 2:08 AM on January 8th." Somehow I have a sense of power in that. Since I don't believe a word out of his mouth, I need something concrete. Although, I do question how healthy it is. Maybe someday I won't need it. Not today though.

Dead Inside,<P>You're not alone in this. I would like to go on for pages to convince you I've felt that pain, when I could not so much as smile at anything or eat. You gave no dates - are you pregnant or with a new baby??<P>Others here told me it would get better, but I sure couldn't imagine it.<P>What do you do???<P>First you choose to avoid the "looping" when a trigger starts your thoughts in the wrong direction. Distract yourself, think about anything else, but that. Very hard to do, but it gets easier with practice.<P>Remember he made you a victim by his actions the first time, but every time you relive it you make yourself a victim.<P>Second - focus on the present and future, how much better your marriage can be than ever before.<P>Third - I don't know anything about his counsellor, but I highly recomend someone like the Harleys that will lead you step by step. I phone counselled with Jennifer and she taught me to do what I've written, while helping my h at the same time.<P>Lostva is right, he too is suffering a lot. It's different and it was so weird my h not being able to feel mine at all.<P>It might help to read my story I posted:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003556.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003556.html</A> <BR>------------------<BR>Cindy<P>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited June 21, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited June 21, 2000).]

DI<P>think of some way to get your H to agree with you to rebuild the trust that was broken.<P>The book, Surviving the Affair is a great place to start, but I agree, its hard, very hard, to forgive.<P>But everyone here is human, we all make mistakes, and if we learn from mistakes, that is what makes a better future. Som of us just make different mistakes.<P>Anger is used to deflect pain, but holding onto anger too long will kill any remaining feelings between the two of you. You need to work through the pain as well as to try to understand what happened. It is not easy, but relationships never are.<P>{{{{{{{{{DeadInside}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>thl<BR>

I know exactly how you feel - I am there now - feel exactly the way you do. It has been 6 months, almost 7 for me and I guess I am in the 'Anger' phase now. <P>What astounds me is the rage I feel inside at this time - I have never felt so much anger and my husband is trying so hard, but right now - I don't feel like working with him. I feel I have the right to be angry.<P>I have talked to his counselor and will see him tomarrow to get everything on the table - he wants to talk to both of us because their goal is to help us repair or save our marraige if possible and right now - I don't know if that is what I want. <P>We all know he is lying to his couselor, so that cat is out of the bag, but he doesn't seem to be concerned about us all knowing (the couselors and I). He knows I will spill all of the beans and teel the whole truth - something he can't seem to do, but he just goes on obliviously like all is well with the world, while I hurt throught every pore. <P>Not sure where this phase will end, but this site has sure been a great help and comfort through this.

The cat litter thing was great. I like the idea of a ritual to burn the stuff. Does anyone know how I can get rid of a no mess safety deep fat frier? I would also like to get rid of the digital camera, but I think that will have to come after the frier.<P>Dead Inside, many of us on the board do know how you feel. My H and the OW have apparently been "in love" for 15 years and he never would have married me if she had confessed her true feelings before he proposed. Talk about a blow to the self esteem. Just remember, you need to be strong not for your H (although it will help), but for you and your kids.<P>This board is great place to be although sometimes on really, really bad days, it does get a bit depressing. But its a great place to talk about your stress and feelings.<P>Hang in there. We'll keep you in our prayers. May God grant you peace to conquer things during this time.

<BR>Dead Inside<BR>I'm so glad I helped you to laugh. I have so many stories I could tell you. I am not a nice person and wayyyyy too creative. <P>I understand that you need to keep those bills for the moment. I had to be ready to burn them too. Some I had to keep for business purposes.<P>How about writing a letter to her, to him, saying all the things you want to say then burning it? I did that a couple of times.<P>I've also considered lately collecting sage and burning it in the house as a ritual. For several reasons there are triggers here that need to be ousted. <P>Be creative - think of things you could do. It gets your mind working in a different direction and gives you a kind of control that won't hurt anyone.<BR>Hang in there. We're all here

I was eight months pregnant when he started the affair. (So he says). It lasted for ten months. Our baby is now ten months old. We also have a three year old.<BR>I didn't get it when lostva said it either... how is he suffering? He had his fun and now he has everything back. <P>Thanks, you all, for the advice. I will try to think of ways to avoid the "loop" and things he can do to help. Sometimes it is just a pride thing when he asks me what is wrong. I feel about "this small" to say, "I'm sad because I was thinking about you having sex with her (or whatever specific thing is bothering me)" I already feel walked all over and to say it out loud sometimes just makes me sick of myself. <P>I am sorry to each of you too for what you are feeling and what has happenend to you. Anyway, thanks for your concern.

wasstubborn,<P>The sage thing I could definitely do. Done the letter thing. What else ya got? <P>I'm considering actually taking a shelf in my closet and writing issues and H's responses to them now. That way when something comes up in my mind I can visit the shelf, read my pain - his response now, and then shelf it. When I don't need to visit the shelf I can burn the stuff. What do ya'll think? Helpful or too shrine-ish?<P>DI

Oh boy...I remember that rage and how angry it made me that my H didn't seem to be suffering as intensely as I was after his affair *finally* ended. I was in that limbo land of not knowing the whole story for almost 3 months and each time a little would come out it would shred my feelings anew.<P>HOWEVER...after a while I began to be very tired of feeling angry all the time and started questioning whether or not it was something that was helping my marriage. I had to make a concious decision not to let the rage get the better of me (I know easier said than done!) <P>After all the lies, betrayals, and thinking oh he's had his fun and now he's just come back like nothing happened, it's impossible NOT to be full of rage! You have to feel it but something that I had to learn was to not beat him over the head with it all the time. What a huge lovebuster that is. <P>My H, B, and I are so much stronger than we were before the affair. Ironic and sad but it's true. We have a deeper understanding of what love and commitment really are. I'm not going to say we are out of the woods but I think we are well on the road to recovery. B has been one of these guys that doesn't like to talk about anything and Heaven forbid he should go to a counselor...but now he is reading books about how to make us better and just recently said he would go to the Relationship Rescue seminar when it comes to our town!! (Yippee!!)<P>You will get past the rage and you will learn to ignore the snake delivery (love the metaphor!) but you have to want to. Feel your anger but don't wallow in it. It will only bog down your true objective which is to make your marriage better and stronger than it was before.<P>you are in my prayers,<P>Jodi

Dead Inside<BR>I love the way you are sounding already. <BR>I think what ever works for you is what you should do. Or at least try. I like your idea.<BR>I would do it. Someone else might not. What works for you is what is important.<P>Now I will have to sort through my repetoire for the other things. Some of the rituals I performed are a little outrageous. Then again my H was REALLY brain dead so I had a lot of stuff to deal with. The man actually helped her move (behind my back) and about 7 months later emptied his trailer in the yard. I found ALL of the boxes from her move with her writing, her garbage, in my yard. He didn't even think!!!!!<BR>That was two hour+ bonfires alone.<P>You see girl, you really can chalk a lot of it up to insanity. It's hard for you to see that now I know. But if I told you all of the absolutely insane things my H did....we could write a book. Now a year later, I can roll my eyes and laugh at how absolutely stupid that was. A year ago I was devastaed for a week at finding those boxes. At his insensitivity in bringing them to my home. <BR>It wasn't insensitivity...he was BRAINDEAD!<BR>I can see that now. <P>One other thing I want to tell you.<BR>When ever I feel like you are feeling today...I ask myself if the pain will be gone if I leave him. The answer is no, so I'm going to keep plugging in this direction.<P> Accept his help. Tell him what you need from him. Notice the little things. Even if they don't light your fire today, keep a list of the positives. Read it when you're down. Remind yourself that there is hope somewhere. <BR>And Keep talking. :<BR>Some day you will have creative stories to tell someone else who is going through this.

dead,<BR>Actually I can't speak for anyone but my h. I too felt very much like he had his fun, and I never even kicked him out!<P>I got pregnant earlier this year about 2 months after d-day. I added a sense of desperation to my pain since the last thing I wanted was to have another child with him when I wasn't sure we would even stay together. Oddly enough, he was very supportive. And it was the first time I really saw pain and remorse, he went on about how he didn't deserve me or another child...<P>I lost the baby, it was very sad, but also a relief...(It is all somewhere in these threads).<P>But only recently have I been more aware of the intense pain and struggle from withdrawal. He was very much in love. If your h did not become that attached, all the better, but this is where the pain comes from. My h gave up this girl he was in-love with even though he had very little feelings for me at the time.<P>Anyway, my attempt to explain his pain. Still, I understand how you feel, I really do. I fantasized about having an affair myself, not for revenge (that was a part), but I too felt sooo strongly the unfairness of it all.<P>At least you say, he is doing all these things now. I felt like my h was just here and I was the one bending over backwards to meet his needs, after what he did! But I did what it took and I have no regrets. The pain and anger were not doing ME any good...<P>I wanted to say again, I'm sorry for your pain, it's awful period. Don't know if you read the link I gave you, but my h had two affairs, each lasting 4 to 6 months. My kids were 1 and 3 when it started, they are now 3 and 5 and we've been in "recovery" since the beginning of the year.<P>One other thing, I found the regular demands of life to be h*ll during this time. Get all the help you can, you don't have to tell them why. Have you read Harley's Surviving an Affair? He recommends spending 15 hrs/wk just doing fun stuff with your spouse. I was lucky to get 1 hour before that.<P>It seemed impossible, but we went after it. Most affairs are not just about sex, he was looking to feel close and this happens doing fun stuff (like when we dated).<P>1st we left the kids and went away for a week. 1st time since we had them. Then we made it a priority to find the time, hit up relatives and loosened the purse strings a lot for babysitters. You need it, you deserve it, from one mom to another.<P>The kids were put totally on the back burner for a while. They did fine, and are much happier today because I'm happier and daddy is happier. Am I making sense? I'm tired and my 5 year old wants dinner. Gotta go.<P><p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited June 21, 2000).]