Q: Did you hear about the survey taken during National Orgasim week ?<P> A: Unfortunatly 9 out of 10 were faking the celebration.<P>Decisiontime, boy now I feel old! Remember them all,(even tho I was just a baby at the time.) except the Winky Dink thing? <BR>------------------<BR>Peg<P>[This message has been edited by Peggy (edited February 03, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Peggy (edited February 03, 2000).]

On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence.<BR>One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several nuts rolled out toward the fence.<BR>Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."<BR>He knew what it was. Oh my, he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery.<BR>He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.<BR>"The man said, "Shoo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is. But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery.<BR>Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. . ." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.<BR>Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything.<BR>The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.<BR>At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you.<BR>That's all.<BR>Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."<BR>They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.<BR>

A nearsighted minister glanced at a note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. <BR>The note read: <P>Bill Jones having gone to sea, <BR>his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety. <P>Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: <P>Bill Jones, <BR>having gone to see his wife, <BR>desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.<BR>

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to<BR>his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go<BR>of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place<BR>an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands Two men applied for the job. One<BR>was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and<BR>when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it<BR>would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.<P>Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The<BR>ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into<BR>town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand.<P>The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. "Now I'm the boss," she said, "and you have to do what I tell<BR>you, right?" "Well. . . Yes," he answered. "Then unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. He did as she asked. "Now take off my boots." He did. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked. <BR>"Now take off my panties. And again he did what she told him. Then she looked at him and said, "Don't ever wear my clothes to town again."<BR>

OK...here's one I just got in email:<P>A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. <P>She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."<P>The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."<P>The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"

CAUTION!!!!!! DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EXTREMELY SENSITIVE ABOUT THE SITUATION YOU ARE IN. ESP IF IT INVOLVED A MOTEL 6 <P>TOP 15 SLOGANS REJECTED BY MOTEL 6<BR>15. Because you deserve better than the back seat of some car.<BR>14. As seen on "COPS"<BR>13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.<BR>12. Not just for nooners anymore.<BR>11. We left off the '9,' but you know it's there.<BR>10. You rented the room; now buy the video!<BR>9. Sure you could stay some place nicer, but<BR>then you wouldn't have money left over for the hooker.<BR>8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya.<BR>7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on your salary.<BR>6. We don't make the adultery. We make the<BR>adultery BETTER.<BR>5. It's Hooker-rific!<BR>4. Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.<BR>3. Blurring the line between stains and<BR>avant-garde sheet art since 1962.<BR>2. Cheap and easy - just like your sister.<BR>1. We put the Ho in Hotel.<P>Sorry, sometimes I just have to laugh at what has happened or I'll cry all the time.<BR>

Natural Law<P>A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."<P>This puzzled the groom since, after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.<P>She responded:<P>"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."<P>"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me the documentation."<P>"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up."<P>"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach."<P>"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver."<P>"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."<P>"My seventh husband was from Finance and administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."<P>"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it."<P>"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."<P>"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it".<P>"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."<P>"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was . . .God I miss him!"<P>"So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."<P>"Why is that," asked the lawyer.<P>"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"

First Grade - True story<BR>One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate<BR>the building materials for his home.<BR>She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"<BR>One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know...he said - 'Holy Sh1t!! A talking pig!'"<BR>The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Sparkydog (edited February 03, 2000).]

OK, I'll add one too.<P>Sorry ladies . . . . . . <P><BR>A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got<BR>back, the bride immediately called her mother. <BR> <BR>"Well," said her mother, "so -- how was the honeymoon?" <BR> <BR>"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." <BR>Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam<BR>started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! <BR>I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take<BR>me home...... PLEASE MAMA!" <BR> <BR>"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! <BR>Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" <BR> <BR>"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so<BR>embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" <P>"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother<BR>these horrible 4-letter words!" <P>Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron,<BR>and Cook..<P><BR>I'm ducking now . . . . .

Women's Guide to the Male Vocabulary<P><BR> "Haven't I seen you before?"("Nice [censored]!")<P> "I'm a romantic"("I'm poor.")<P> "I need you."("My hand is tired".)<P> "I really want to get to know you better." <BR> ("So I can tell all my friends about it!")<P> "I don't know if I like her."("She won't sleep with me.")<P> "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"(Is my penis really that small?")<P> "I had a wonderful time last night."("What was your name again?")<P> "I've been thinking a lot lately."("You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.")<P> "I'll give you a call."("I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.")<P> "How much do you love me?"("I've done something real stupid,and someone's on their way to tell you.")<P> "You're the only girl I care about."("You're the only girl who hasn't rejected me.")<P> "I think we should just be friends."("You're ugly.")<P> "I've learned a lot from you."("Next!")<P> "I have something important to tell you."<BR> ("Get tested.")<P> --Murph

<P>This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:<P>1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.<P>2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. <BR>The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.<P>3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. <BR>A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.<P>4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door.<BR>The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.<P>5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.<P>6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.<P>7. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.<P>8. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.<P>9. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..."<P>10. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." <P>The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."<P><BR>

One for the ladies . . . <P>In the hospital, The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.<P>"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news." he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.<P>It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."<P>The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.<BR>At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"<P>The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."<P>The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"<P>The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used."

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How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?<BR>Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals<BR>

Ribald Fable:<P>On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!<P>Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around the chicken spied the farmer's new Z3-series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.<P>Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny B'mer and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!<P>Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented, best buddies, best pals.<P>A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!<P>The horse thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to "grab his Willie" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.<P><BR>The moral of the story?<P>When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Bringing this back up-We need some more jokes!<P><BR> Why did God create man?<BR> Because a vibrator can't mow a lawn.<P> Why did God create women?<BR> Because sheep can't cook.<P> --Murph

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.<P> "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.<P> Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."<P> Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.<P> "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"<P> Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.<P> A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.<P>About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"<BR>

Hey Alex, that was great! I love it!<P>Here's one.....<P><BR>A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. <P>On the third floor a man gets in who looks perfect: 3-piece suit, great build, nice butt. <P>However, they both notic he has an extreme case of bad dandruff.<P>The man gets off on the 5th floor.<P>Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders'." <P>To which the blonde replies, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?" <P><BR>

~ Diary of a Snow Shoveler ~<P>(This is *really* long, but it's funny all the way through)<P>December 8:<BR>6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and<BR>the wife<BR>and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window<BR>watching the<BR>huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a<BR>Grandma Moses<BR>print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!<P>December 9:<BR>We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering<BR>every inch<BR>of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more<BR>lovely<BR>place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've<BR>ever had.<P>Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. <BR>I did<BR>both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the<BR>snowplow came<BR>along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway,<BR>so I got<BR>to shovel again. What a perfect life.<P>December 12:<BR>The sun melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My<BR>neighbor<BR>tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. <BR>No snow<BR>on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow<BR>by the<BR>end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't<BR>think<BR>that's possible.<BR>Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.<P>December 14:<BR>Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to<BR>-20. The<BR>cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,<BR>but I<BR>warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the<BR>life!<BR>The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything<BR>again. I<BR>didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but<BR>I'll<BR>certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff<BR>and puff<BR>so.<P>December 15:<BR>20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4X4 Blazer. <BR>Bought snow<BR>tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the<BR>freezer. The<BR>wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I<BR>think<BR>that's silly.<BR>We aren't in Alaska, after all.<P>December 16:<BR>Ice storm this morning. Fell on my [censored] on the ice in the<BR>driveway<BR>putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an<BR>hour, which<BR>I think is very cruel.<P>December 17:<BR>Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.<BR>Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on<BR>to stay<BR>warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to<BR>irritate her.<BR>Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to<BR>her. I<BR>hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death<BR>in my<BR>own living room.<P>December 20:<BR>Electricity is back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff<BR>last<BR>night.<BR>More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. <BR>Tried to<BR>find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they say they're too busy<BR>playing<BR>hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store<BR>around<BR>to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have<BR>another<BR>shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to<BR>shovel or<BR>the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.<P>December 22:<BR>Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of<BR>the<BR>white **** fell today, and its so cold it won't probably melt<BR>till<BR>August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to<BR>shovel<BR>and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and<BR>got<BR>dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who<BR>has a<BR>plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but says he's too<BR>busy. I<BR>think the ******* is lying.<P>December 23:<BR>Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted<BR>me to<BR>decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she<BR>nuts!!! Why<BR>didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but<BR>I think<BR>she's lying.<P>December 24:<BR>6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. <BR>Thought I was<BR>having a heart attack. If I ever catch that son of a ***** who<BR>drives<BR>that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I<BR>know he<BR>hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and<BR>then he<BR>comes down the street at a 100 miles per hour and throws snow<BR>all over<BR>where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing<BR>Christmas<BR>carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching<BR>for the<BR>goddamn snowplow.<P>December 25:<BR>Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !+$#@?*# slop<BR>tonight.Snowed in.<BR>The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! <BR>Then the<BR>snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over<BR>the<BR>head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I<BR>think<BR>she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one<BR>more<BR>time, I'm going to kill her.<P>December 26:<BR>Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all<BR>HER<BR>idea.<BR>She's really getting on my nerves.<P>December 27:<BR>Temperature dropped to -50 and the pipes froze.<P>December 28:<BR>Warmed up to above -30. Still snowed in. THE ***** is driving<BR>me<BR>crazy!<P>December 29:<BR>10 more inches.<BR>Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it will cave in. That's<BR>the<BR>silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?<P>December 30:<BR>Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million<BR>dollars<BR>for the bump on his head. The wife went home to mother. 9"<BR>predicted.<P>December 31:<BR>Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.<P>January 8:<BR>I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep<BR>giving<BR>me.<P>Why am I tied to the bed?<P>

~ A Super Comeback ~<P>This is an exact recount of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy scout Troop visiting his military installation.<P> FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"<P>GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."<P>FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"<P>GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."<P>FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"<P>GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, .... we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they ever touch a firearm."<P>FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."<P>GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?<P> The radio went silent and the interview ended.<BR>