Sifted,<BR>Wow! This is too interesting!<P>Do you mind sharing some ideas that you said are not such a grand scale? 'Cause it seems my h's are always big. He is so totally committed to one, then changes soooo fast. And they are big. Besides changing jobs, he has wanted to move to South America, buy a beachfront condo (costs a lot more than we got), the list goes on.<P>He's always looking for something more, pushing the envelope. Even before the affair he talked of threesomes which I cannot do. So I can't say why your h resists, but I perceive most of his big ideas as threats to the stability and well-being of our family. Some things would be different if we had no kids.<P>He always wants what he cannot have, so the roving eye at pretty women has always been a problem, and I'm not sure whether he will be faithful no matter how in-love we get. BTW, we are Christians too.<P>Enough about us, though I would love your feedback. This is still the scariest part of recommitting to him, trying to understand him.<P>I can really relate to deferring to h and building up resentment. That's what I did. Only for me it meant supporting his dreams. He took a job 6 years ago that was over 50% travel when I was pregnant with the first child. I have mostly raised them by myself. We lost $12k on a new business idea last year between his affairs.<P>He was the stereotypical businessman that is portrayed in comedies: glued to his cell phone and laptop, even on our infrequent dates.<P>Learning to reach enthusiastic agreement on our decisions is the most revolutionary concept I found in Harley's material. He still comes with new ideas, but I know they will be fully discussed until I'm enthusiastic, I won't be sandbagged.<P>Don't get me wrong, I have ideas to, but not on that scale. I was happy living here when he started pushing the condo.<P>I'm open to almost anything if I don't think it will harm us. To offset the ongoing travel demands, we've rearranged our lives this year and I have followed him to 3 continents, spending more than 9 weeks in hotels, with kids, without kids.<P>We took the kids to Buenos Aires and put them in a preschool for the 3 weeks we were there. It was a fascinating thing to pull off. Finding the school, cheap tickets on the net (plane stopped 3 times on the way, though).<P>H works for a Company that recently went IPO. We did decide on that condo and made a deposit knowing we can only afford it IF that stock takes off.<P>Getting long here, sorry. I can live on the edge too, though it's not exactly natural for me.<P>Sifted, please help me think this through. This aspect of his personality is the last big obstacle in our way. Can this be reigned in? You mentioned being disciplined.<P>I remember clearly it was his passion to reach all of Miami in a theater group when we first met and all his big ideas that first attracted me to him. And I fell hard. It is a good mix with my more laid back ways, but will it ultimately destroy us?? <P>

Hi again Schizzo,<P>Wow - I can empathize with the stretching you have had to do! I don't know your husband's type (except the (N) intuitive part), but he sounds a bit different than me. Some of those ideas would be quite a stretch for me too.<P>I am intuitive, which makes me have ideas, want to grow and change and have a vision that inspires me to reach upward, but I am also cautious, planful, organized and deliberate (that is the "J" part of me). I am guessing your husband is the "P" rather than the "J". I am not a big spender, but rather cautious with money and am pretty realistic as far as taking risks.<P>Here are some of my dreams: the first was our honeymoon. I wanted to go to Portugal. Since we got married in Germany that isn't as exotic (or expensive) as it sounds. In fact it is only a few hours plane flight from Germany and Portugal isn't expensive. I was getting brochures, planning where to stay, etc. I was even planning on paying for it (we got off to an early start with me being so over responsible and taking the initiative). Whenever I would show my husband-to-be the brochures and talk about the trip he just dragged his feet and wouldn't commit. Never really gave me a good reason. It didn't seem right to me to drag my husband somewhere he didn't want to go on our honeymoon (kind of a POJA, but one-sided), so I picked another place (Northern German island - pretty boring there) and that is where we went.<P>Before I married I had plans to become a physical therapist. He was kind of interested in it, so I started talking about us both doing that and having a practice together. I was always talking about it and assumed he was "on board". He didn't voice any reservations. After we married I continued with those plans, taking a few prerequisites and applying to programs. He decided he didn't want to go back to school and work that hard. Then after I was accepted at a number of schools (all outside my state, all requiring a move) he dragged his feet and really didn't want to move. So, I thought it was the right thing to do to respect him and I gave it up. That hurt me for a long time - about 10 years!<P>Other ideas have been homeschooling (finally gave into that, but with lots of dragging of feet and passive behavior), vacations (even simple ones that were not expensive), simple remodeling projects around the house (nothing too grand there). Early on I had plans for him such as getting an MBA, but I soon learned he could not be pushed into anything he didn't want to do. So, mostly I just follow my own interests, like taking a computer class, learning a new language, going to a workshop... tame things like that! Usually he discourages me by saying "why would you want to do that?" and isn't very supportive or helpful. Last year I wanted to get a dog, thinking it would be a good thing for our children. He didn't want to, but we finally did and he resented it for quite awhile and wanted nothing to do with the dog. Now he is softening a little, but I had to go to all the dog classes and read books etc. myself. He didn't ask any questions or show any interest.<P>I feel like I'm just complaining now - sorry. But I don't think I am unreasonable. I'm not sure where all the resistance comes from, but he is slowly starting to open up to look at that (all since the affair). To be honest it has been very hurtful for me over the years to have so much resistance and so little support. No excuses, but I was extremely vulnerable to the affair - the OM genuinely admired all those qualities in me and I felt like I came alive again. Rather than being intimdated by me and my ideas, he encouraged them. That is what makes it so hard and scary to go back, fearing that resistance again. But I do think my husband is willing to work on this. These are all things we will need to discuss as we get more honest with each other and slowly take down the barriers of hurt.<P>You mention your husband's personality as the last big obstacle for you. Well my husband's personality (exactly the opposite of yours) is a big obstacle for me. But I do not think the situation is hopeless. It gets back to POJA (is your husband open to this?) and "esteeming others better than ourselves". That is, taking the other person into consideration. That is love.<P>Your husband will probably always have a tendency/desire to try new things and take certain risks. Mine will have the tendency to resist and hold back. If we practice POJA and love, anything is possible. (doesn't mean it is easy!)<p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 21, 2000).]

Sifted,<P>Thanks for replying back. My h came home from his trip this morning. I expected he would just say hi and run off to work (his usual pattern), but instead he asked what I was planning. I'm the one that felt a bit distant this time. Told him what my plans were and I would see him later.<P>He asked if we could go out for bagels first. We did, and I skipped my plans and we spent all morning together. What will happen next?<P>Funny thing that your dreams sound a lot like mine (not the pt, but vacations, kid plans, etc), so maybe it is not so much a personality difference as a failure to grasp the importance these things hold for us.<P>I wanted to take a cruise on our honeymoon. (We live near Miami so the cost is a much lesser issue than it sounds too). We went to Cancun so we could attend some meetings there because he was thinking of working for the guy. On our honeymoon!<P>So I too set up a pattern from the beginning of giving in to him. The funny thing is he didn't want to cruise because he thought it would be too confining. When we finally went on one, he loved it!<P>I have often dragged my feet on his grandiose plans, but he has cast mine aside as unimportant. But I let that happen, it's my doing!<P>I have learned so much about myself in these last months. And my h and I have broken the communications barrier. He told me something really interesting today. We have broken the communication barrier on a lot of negative things (very hurtful), but now we can start really communicating on positive things.<P>It is so true. For awhile there, it seemed there would never be anything but negative stuff to talk about. And today he also said he would like to start getting inside my head and learning how I think. I thought I would never hear that.<P>Getting long again. I only know how to write books, not notes. <P>------------------<BR>Cindy

<P>I like this thread!<P>1) Is good to our son, reads to him at night, corrects his math homework, plays with him, thinks of things to make him happy (things that I forget, like gifts for easter and valentines day)<P>2) Helps with the dishes, sets the table, is a good conversationalist (always has been) and is never boring. Helps around the house without making a point of asking for recognition for it.<P>3) Turns off the TV (even while watching football) when guests come to the house. Always is polite to everybody.<P>4) Is good to his parents, patient and respectful and attentive<P>5) Is very honest about money<P>6) Is modest, never boastful<P>7) Remembered our anniversary this year, called to suggest we go to one of the French restaurants we'd gone to in the past when he still thought he was in love<P>8) Is going to marriage counseling, though he doesn't think we need it any more, even doing the homework exercises, even when he can't see the point of them<P>9) Is a good provider<P>10) Right now is laying low about contacting the OW and isn't talking about her any more <P> 11) I like his face, the way he looks. He isn't a classic model type, and he's not a "beefcake", but I think he's attractive. He has also very nice hands. <P><BR>12) Remembers birthdays, anniversaries (I don't!)<BR>

There's an old Carpenter's song that I used to sing when I flirted with him:<P>"On the day that you were born the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true, and they sprinkled gold dust in your hair and starlight in your eyes of blue...that is why all the girls in town"...blah, blah blah<P>My husband is incredibly creative, very intelligent, hysterically funny, passionate, sensitive, warm, loving, generous, sensuous (really knows how to turn up the heat) and makes me crazy in bed. He really does it for me. I love the way he looks...he's so ruggedly handsome, not a pretty boy, and his humor is quick and dry. He has a lot of charisma, like Kennedy, and his eyes are blue, but they are 'navy' blue...very intense. He is interested in everyone he meets and makes people feel important and special. <P>Today, in recovery, I have 'intermittent' gratitude and joy. Even if I never feel the way I used to again, what I am feeling now is still more than what I ever had with anyone else.<P>Catnip =^^=