Hello out there!!!!!<BR>For the past 3 months my wife has become increaseingly meaner to me. She has a Hotmail account that is her private email. I began to poke around last tuesday and was actually able to break in. To my horror I found tons of love letters from a guy at work. My initial reaction was full of LBs. And that went on for 3 days. Still in emotional shock, I find my every thought is consumed by this and I find myself crying all the time( I haven't cried in years). I've lost 12 pounds. and I can't work. (I hope they don't fire me). We have 2 children, one 6 and one 13. My wife of 6 years and my soulmate for the past 9 says she doesn't love me and she has finally found true love and her soulmate at work. She said because I'm willing to work it out she will hang in and give it a try, and I told her she must stop seeing her lover. She agreed (lasted 2 days). I realize after reading the Basic Concepts that I tok my wife for granted for years and never displayed my love unless I was properly motivated. I blame myself for the affair. The biggest problem I have is OM works with her and she cannot easily leave him, nor does she think she can. She said she loves me in a care for you way but she is not in love with me at all and all her love is going to him. The thought of leaving him makes her ill. He is married but told me that he would leave his W for Teri. My W believes that he is true happieness and she could never get that with me. I try to be nice and deposit love units, but for some reason I keep fouling up by constantly calling her at work and "spying on her". I love her but it kills me she won't stop and consider what she is giving up. I think the only reason she is here is because she is afraid of losing the kids. I don't plan on getting a divorce, but was wanting help with how to cope with my emotions and to better fill her love bank. Where is this Plan A document I can't find it on this website. I need it badly. To her it is ike I'm going overboard and she doesn't know what to think. I feel helpless and out of control. Wil she be able to come back and love me again?

Homer:<P>Welcome. You've come to the right place. Jim (NSR) should be along in a while to give you the information you need about Plan A. Please let me assure you that there is nothing unique about your wife's affair. It's all been heard before (even to the same words). You are fortunate that you have found Marriagebuilders because here you can find the information and help you need to try to restore your marriage.<P>Some general hints. (1) Read everything you can on this site (particularily the Read-only Posts because there is lots of information available there). This will give you a good foundation for exploring what your next steps will be. (2) Realize what a gift you've been given by your wife's continuing to stay and try to work it out with you. (3) Get control of yourself for everyone's sake. Don't continue to be a victim...you need to be strong for your children and your wife.<P>Let me assure you all is not lost. Patience will work wonders and we'll all be here when you need to vent.<P>Buffy<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 22, 2000).]

Welcome Homer,<P>I'm sorry you are going through this mess. Let me assure you that you are in the right place to learn a lot.<P>Buffy is so right. Most of us on these boards have heard the same statement from our spouses that you're hearing. It will be a long road to travel Homer, so gear up and get ready. You, like the rest of us, will make a ton of mistakes, but you will learn from them.<P>Your wife is in the "fog" of infidelity. You will be treated like crap. You will get mad and frustrated. Use this board for those times. Ther are so many wise people here that have gone through this for months or years. When you want to vent, rant, rave...come her and do it. We will listen, calm you down, get you back on your path. It's worked for me so many times. Sometimes replies to your posts will be slow, don't loose patience. I've learned so much from going into the "read only" posts. <P>Go to work if you can. I know that is so hard right now, but you have to try to keep your life as normal as possible. Don't let your W see you falling apart.<P>As Buffy said, Jim will come along with some wonderful posts for you to read. In the meantime you can go to the "concepts" section and do some learning there.<P>Keep posting and hang in there. You will begin to feel stronger. Knowledge is power.<P>allison

Homer - <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Homer}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I answered you on Missy's thread.<P>Take care of yourself, give yourself a little time for the shock to start to wear off ....you deserve that.<P>There is still hope and much that you can do. We'll be here for you - every step of the way.<P>Hang in there, and don't lose hope.<P>Lori

If you have a sympathetic supervisor, confide in them if you feel comfortable. I withheld the facts from my manager until it was almost too late and my performance was noticably effected. He game me 'room' and I was able to let work become a great diversion.<P>RRunRR<BR>

thanks for the support,<BR>

Homer,<P>How are you? Let us know please. There are people here who care.<P>allison

I really don't know, the thoughts are still consumeing me. I haven't LB in 2 days. but W still says she is in love with her "soulmate". It angers me and hurts as well that she has been so cold. Sometimes I wonder why I should try. My ENs are being completely ignored as you might expect they would be. That is killing me, I need a little affection. She says she is trying to stay and work on our marrige (we still sleep in the same bed and continue with life like nothing has happened.) but she can't stop seeing OM. I asked her to break off contact with him and she said ok. It lasted only 2 days, she told me that she can't just stop loving someone and needs to be with him.(knife turning slllllloooooowwwwwly). I want to stay married but wonder if I'm wasting my time. I love her, she is the mother of my children. I don't understand how this OM can possibly be more important than her whole family. This will hurt the kids if we come to a Divorce. I'm still so confused, and trying to come to terms with my new life. It is difficult to Plan A when you are constantly being hurt. One good thing I'm not constantly crying anymore. Does anyone know how long this torture is supposed to last, I can't stand the hours between 8 and 5 Mon - Fri. She is with him at work. I found they take lunches at his house it is only around the corner and his W is married to her work so she is never home.<P>I appreciate the encouragement, I look at it everyday sometimes 3 and 4 times. I need all the help I can get to keep from LBing. <P>My worst nightmare was another man taking my wife to bed. This is 50 million times worse because not only has he done that but she loves him and not me. I was never prepared.<P>Sorry to be so whimpy and whiney (SP?).<BR>I jsut feel so hopeless and think I'll never have sex again(been over 3 months). Not to sound a little to selfish.<P>I do appreciate the concern, and love that I have a place to vent, even if I do ramble.

One more thing, I think sometimes I get a little jealous of her. She has the passion of love. I haven't seen that in years. Now that I know what it is I want it as well.

Homer:<P>Old "Mr. Taker" is trying to exert himself right now to protect you. You have to resist or you'll make things worse. You can't force anything to happen right now.<P>You also can't make any sense out of your wife's actions right now...because they don't make any sense...you'll just go round in circles and get nowhere. Accept it for what is. Your wife's in a deep fog right now and she doesn't care anything about anything except OP and how good it feels.<BR>We told you you were in for a long haul...believe it...unless you are very lucky it will be several weeks or months before you see any change in her behavior.<P>I know this is hard but you need to calm down and start working on your plan to restore your marriage. That is the most important thing you can do right now. Anything else is just futile....only time will change that. <P>Oh yeah, don't let "Mr. Taker" get the upper hand or he may spoil the only thing you've got going for you...the fact that your wife is still willing to work on your marriage.<BR>That may not be the case for long...probably all that is maintaining that now is the fact that OM is married. Use this time wisely.<P>Keep coming back for encouragement.<P>Buffy<P>P.S. Jim's been having a hard time lately so he's a little slow.<P>

What if what she has with him is not a fog. She feels it is so real. She was able to fall in love with me originaly. The emotions she shares with him could be the same. She is angry at me and is mean I try to love her but I get no respect from her. I don't know if I can hold out for months. I am my own man and don't believe I deserve this kind of life. Through our whole marrige we have been able to communicate and work our problems out. For the first time I feel like I'm being ignored and yes Mr. Taker wants so badly to rise up. I don't think I am willing to wait for a year or even months. I know there is a women out there who would appreciate the love I know I can give. I've learned a ton from the MB website about how I handeled my marrige wrong. I don't know how long I can take the abuse, and look foward to the day when I meet the next woman that will love me and get such a passionate love in return. I'll never make these mistakes again. <P>Thanks for letting me vent.

Homer,<P>If your wife loved you once she can love you again! If you love her, even though she has hurt you, don't you want her to see the changes you have/will made in yourself that will help you be a better husband and partner? When you show her these things...the ways that you have changed, and feels they are real....she will see how foolish and empty her relationship is with the OP.<P>I am the betrayed. My W had a 6 month EA which ended in February. My W also thought what she had was REAL. All that they are is in love with a fantasy. No spouse can compete with a fantasy until it is over. I still struggle every day with my feelings, as my W still lies about things with the OP. However, I had to realize that my actions contributed to my marriage being vulnerable to an affair. That can be fixed!!<P>I have realized, and you will too, that you cannot control what your wife does or how she feels about the OP. You want her to stop contact cold turkey. That is a very difficult and painful process for betrayers. You will have to support your wife during that time,as hard as it will be(I was not good at that initially b/c my ego got in the way).<P>When your wife sees the changes in you and realizes that you are the man she is in love with, not the OP, she will come around, and the mean and hurtfull things they say will become less frequent and will eventually stop.. It is all part of the process.<P>You must be strong during this ride. It is a rollercoster of emotions with great highs and depressing lows. If you do not go to counseling, I suggest that you start. I have been seing a counselor for 8 months and it has been a tremendous benefit helping me deal with my anger, resentment and anxiety.<P>You need to make yourself the number one priority and do some things, whatever it may be, to make yourself feel better. Even if it's only for one hour, you will get relief from that feeling that you have in your stomach.<P>Try and eat small meals and rest when you can. I still have difficulty sleeping, but can eat much better now. If you love your wife and children as much as I love mine, you will find the strength to fight and not throw in the towel. It is a lonely road, but with the wonderful support of the folks on this board, it will become a road worth traveling in the end.

Homer, <P>You need to take a deep breath.....<BR>If you truly want your marriage, it can be restored...read the book "Suriving an Affair". It will give you a plan to save your marriage.<BR>You have a history wirh this woman..you have children...you had the same love she is feeling right now with another....it can come back between the two of you....<BR>You must get to counseling with her and have a plan..it will be hard work, but no harder than putting your kids through a divorce and a broken home and the ramifiactions that brings to all involved. <BR>I suggest you give Dr. S Harley a call. And then have him help you with a plan to save your marriage. Your wife is living a fantasy right now..you will have to be the strong one. Do it, at least try it for your kids...<P>------------------<BR>Susan

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by homer:<BR><B>One more thing, I think sometimes I get a little jealous of her. She has the passion of love. I haven't seen that in years. Now that I know what it is I want it as well.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Homer,<P>I've been there for many months, but I'm finding the greatest passion with my h. Yes, it was not only the intense pain, but I too wanted that passion.<P>I think it's a very good thing if you can channel it and stick to Plan A. She can come out of the fog, and do you really want another woman IF you could have something wonderful with your wife??<P>Did you read the concepts on the site? The book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley is even better, clearer.<P>You're right, the worst part was to find my h was so in-love with the OW. But you sound like you are thinking clearly even through the pain.<P>She is finally a past memory and he and I are more in-love than ever before. It can happen. She is torn, in the fog, you may be able to keep her from leaving by loving her, not pressuring her.<P>The pull they have towards OP can be incredible. There are some ladies on the site who are struggling alone to give up the OM. Their spouses know some of it, but did not take the in-loveness very seriously. If you can handle it, it will be painful, read the Hi Wings thread by Momma.<P>Start really trying to love her however she lets you, and be prepared to support her through withdrawal. I think it's a very good sign she agreed to give up OM and wants to stay (even if it did last 2 days). Start making those deposits first, and read the book. There is a whole chapter on making a clean break with OP as I mentioned on the Hi Wings thread.<P>It is sooo hard, worst thing I ever went through in my life. But we are building a much better marriage, I can finally start feeling it was worth it. (I found out Oct 29).<P>Oh yes, and we counselled with Jennifer Harley, she and her brother Steve do phone counselling. I don't know why but I sense from what you wrote that your wife is open to working on the marriage. That is an enormous plus. Most are not at first. Would she agree to counselling? My h did (very surprisingly) and Jennifer convinced her to go through with a clean break and took us step by step in devising a plan. Do it, Homer, for your marriage.<P>It's usually men who drag their feet when it comes to counselling. She may even see it as a good sign of your seriousness. This is no touchy-feely "therapy". She took us step by step and helped keep us on the right track. <P>------------------<BR>Cindy<p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited June 23, 2000).]

Hi, Homer. Normally, I could give you tons of advice, but not doing too well right now. BUT, I wanted to say a little something. <P>I'm a WS, and you sound almost EXACTLY like my H. (Are you my H? Just kidding!) Anyway, the working together has to go if you guys are going to reconcile. That was one stipulation that my H made was that I had to quit my job if we were going to stay married. (The OM and I worked at the same place, even though we rarely saw each other). That was very difficult for me, because I loved my job and made excellent money. But, I did quit for my marriage. I was in the same place your wife's in right now about a year and a half ago. I treated my H the same way, etc. He wouldn't let me go, though, and that's made the difference. If he had just said, go on, then we'd be divorced today.<P>I can't help you much more, because the situation I'm in right now would be very discouraging for you. There are woman that can let go of the OM and never look back, but it's been almost impossible for me. <P>There are other women here on MB that are WS and are doing better than I am. Maybe search out Wings, Tamis, or Siftedlikewheat. They sound more hopeful than I do, at this point.<P>I wish you the best of luck. I hope you can find some comfort here, as I know what kind of pain you're in. I've been on both sides of the track and neither are very much fun.

Sorry I'm so late...<P>Welcome <B>homer</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Plan A... click ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>HERE</A>!<P>I have another Plan A "basics" I'd suggest you check out at ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>!<P>Let me be honest with you...<BR>...the similarities between you story and mine are almost frightening...<P>I too have an older stepchild... (mine is 17yo)<BR>Physical shock... body shutdwon 1st 2 weeks...<BR>Incredible weight loss (42 lbs. before I bottomed out)<P>But there is one huge difference...<BR><B>YOU CAN START ON THE RIGHT TRACK EARLY</B>!<P>I only found MB 7 months after D-day!<BR>And blew the best opportunities to save my marriage...<P>Please <B>do what we say</B>... <B>now</B>!<BR>Get going on that <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>Great advice from so many...<BR>...follow it!<P>I'm praying for you man!<P> <P>Jim

Momma, your are not supposed to tell me that you cant let OM go. That is severly discourageing. I would love to comport her through withdraw but I would want it to be clear that her relationship would have to end completely. I want so badly the oppertunity to make things better, but she will have to make a choice It is not right for her to have both. I have integrety, I will only be able to stay in this valley so long.<P>She told me this afternoon that he wasn't willing to tell his wife until he was 100% sure that she was 100% sure she was leaving me. She si going to west coast for a conference for 7 days. She said she needs some time to think. I will be as loving as possible over the weekend. It is all I can do. OM is kind of putting her under some pressure to make a decision as well. <P>We saw a family Psycologist yesterday and his advice to me was to start focusing on myself, and to her was to tell OM to be a man and confront his wife. and for her to step away from us both for a while and think things through. She is using California for that.<P>I don't know how this is going to turn out. But she will need to break it off with OM if she chooses me, I will not be able to take that kind of abuse for very long.

momma,<BR>How long did it take you to quit your job after your H discovered the affair?

Jim,<BR>did you save your marriage?

Homer,<P>Sorry... for my situation it isn't working out... (divorce trial scheduled for August 7th)<P>I know that had I started on a "pure" Plan A...<BR>...I would have had a better chance.<P>Go for Plan A right at the start and give yorself the best chance.<BR>There are no guarantees..<BR>...but for the greatest chance at recovery...<BR>...the only path is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>A good way to start is to print the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters Questionnaire</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>...<BR>...and answer thrm from your perspective...<BR>...as well as your W's perspective.<P>Stay the course...<P> <P>Jim