WorkedForMe, truth is in the eye of the beholder. When it comes to human emotion, there is no such thing as "truth" - everyone is different.<P>While I do believe what I've recently read that venting anger only intensifies it, one cannot bottle it up, either. And, this forum offers us all a place to go to share with others who feel the same way, who've experienced similar experiences and are hurting similar hurts.<P>People need to share. It is better to sit down here and exercize one's fingers and share the visions of revenge that may visit totally uninvited than to allow those visions to consume and drive one to disastrous action.<P>new woman has her truth, I have mine, wasstubborn has hers ... each of our situations is different - there is no "blanket" truth for all of us. I don't advocate vengeance at all - but that doesn't mean that I never have visions of revenge flit through my mind both awake and asleep. I am not consumed by anger toward the slug - I use that term to describe her both physically and attitudinally... And she is NOT a nice person - she has gone after married men before, she kicks the stuffing out of women that she doesn't like simply because she doesn't like them and has many other truly disgusting and despicable habits. The night I found out about the affair, she sat on a bar stool and stared at me with such undisguised hostility that I finally said to her, "What's your problem?" Whereupon she launched herself off of the barstool and attempted to physically assault me. She was stopped by a friend of hers, and after I left, called my home and left the fateful message on my machine about how she "had" my husband "whenever she wanted him" and proceeded to call my house every three minutes until I took the phone off the hook. Every time she doesn't know where he is, she calls my house and hangs up if I answer the phone. And when I called the other day to speak to him she snarled "He's not here!" and slammed the phone down in my ear.<P>I did not invite this woman into my life or my marriage. She is a selfish, shallow being who can never be more than the slug she is. And that's not my fault, it is her own. To paraphrase wasstubborn: A mistake is a mistake. Trash is trash.<P>I am not forgetting my husband's contribution to this mess we are in. I am not forgetting my own contribution, either - I was not a pleasant person to live with for a good long time. But that doesn't mean I will shed any tears if she gets run over by a truck, either.<P>That is MY opinion of the OW in MY situation only. I have great respect for anyone who realizes they have made a mistake, takes action to correct it as best they can and is remorseful. I have great respect for new_woman and Miya and others here who have expressed their sorrow at what they've done to their relationships.<P>All that said, I need to say one more thing: new woman: if you can take the heat, don't ever stop cooking. Sometimes we all need to take the time to THINK about what we are feeling and thinking. We need to be challenged. The only thing that I would say is that we should none of us take any of this PERSONALLY ... <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>No, I'm not a Marriage Counselor,<BR>But I did sleep at a <BR>Holiday Inn Express last night...<BR>

Isn't it a sin to hate someone? Or, is adultery the only sin that really counts on this forum? This forum has really gone down hill. There was a time when the slightest mention of the word slut was frowned upon. Now, it's tossed around like it's no big deal.

WHOA!!!!!<P>I didn't mean to start a WAR!!!!<P>New woman and TNT:<P>I didn't take offense at what New Woman posted. I've been telling myself the same danged thing. Thank you, TNT, for jumping to my defense when you felt I needed it, but really, New Woman wasn't being offensive to me. She was just expressing her amazement that I could be so angry at a dead woman.<P>New Woman, I don't think my anger means that I really hate the OW--I guess, because I think that she must have been a pathetic and sad person if she thought the route to true love was solely between her legs. I talked to someone who was friends with her for a time, and apparently, there were many, many one-night stands in this girl's life. I don't know if her never being married means that nobody ever asked her, but I think that precious few men would want to marry someone who spread her "charms" around the way she apparently did.<P>I guess that the fact that she's dead does increase my anger in a way. This woman played a major part in helping along any problems in our marriage; she must have known who I was and that my H was married to me. YES, he was the one who married me, who made vows to me, and who broke those vows. The fact that she made no vows to me does not absolve her of blame in trying to create problems in marriages. YES, I do believe that someone who repeatedly has one-night stands with other women's husbands is trying to create problems in their marriages, whether she knows it or not. The point I'm trying to make is that EVERYONE should recognize, value, and respect marriage vows--even those of other people. If she was alive, I could tell her to her face what a slut she was, if I wanted to; at least, I would know that I could tell her off if I needed to.<P>My anger toward her does not mean that my H is any less deserving of my anger. His lies for the past 13 years have, I think, been a major reason for my own withdrawal from him. His lies meant that the slut died before I found out who she was.<P>Imago, yes, my H was the one who gave me this STD that he picked up from the slut. He made the stupid choice to have unprotected sex with a road whore. But, in effect, the fact that I contracted the STD that he got from her effectively means that I had sex by proxy with her and every man she's ever screwed. I won't ever know if she had any of the symptoms that I had from the trich, but if and when she did, I hope she clawed herself to pieces.<P>I KNOW that the woman is dead, and there is no way to ever exact any revenge on her. I AM just as angry with my H. However, the anger for my H must go somewhere beside upside his head with a frying pan or a 2x4 if we are to survive.<P>So, my way of dealing with all this anger is by imagining the vilest and nastiest thing I could possibly do to her. And, expressing that anger here on this forum is, I think, the safest way for me to vent.<P>As much as I think I would like to poop on her grave, I have to remember that there are those who would be hurt by such an action; for instance, her elderly mother. Her grave faces the church parking lot, so I'm quite sure that anything done to her grave would be brought to her mother's attention. I have two dead daughters, and it would cut my heart to the core if somebody did anything horrid to their graves.<P>So, I think I'm working through my anger, and I hope to continue doing so without hurting anybody directly connected to my situation. Just thinking of how empty Carolyn's life must have been is making me start to feel sorry for her.<P>Another thought: My H quite adamantly does not want to talk about his cheating--wants to sweep my feelings under the rug, so to speak. It strikes me that when an OP wants us to stop expressing our anger toward our OP, isn't that an attempt to sweep our feelings under the rug?

Sweetpea,<P>Thank you so much for clearing all that up. Truly, I didn't think I was being offensive to you, and I certainly didn't see where TNT felt I should apologize, so I'm really grateful to you for setting the record straight.<P>Also, I'm so glad you are working things through. I know this is a process, and I completely understand we all have our own way of dealing with anger. The "pee" thing just caught me off guard, I guess. <P>Sounds like you have a great handle on things and are headed toward peace. Glad there's no hard feelings. <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.