We are doing okay. <P>My young neice is still in jail because she gave her husband a black eye...., but BIL called the governor's office and they said they would call DA and get them to release her. She is a betrayed spouse. She used her foot to kick him away (he wanted sex) and that is how he ended up with a black eye. Uggghhhh. He called the police and they arrested her and they said $50,000 bail. She's been in jail all week. My sister and her mother in law have had the baby all week. This baby is the baby that has almost died several times from side affects from that Strep B infection she got when she was born. The young neice has been under enormous pressure this year. It is amazing she is still together. She just turned 19 a couple of weeks ago. <P>We need to be very careful not to get out of control - if our spouses are being that bad, maybe we need to get on anti depressants or something - I know it is hard to deal with our spouses affairs and the lovebusting can get out of control, but this is just toooo far, don't you agree? So, Betrayeds - be careful!!!!!!!<P>I've been sick since the end of May, but other than that we are doing pretty darn good. H still has contact with OW, affair is over, (or rather, his "almost mistake"...) his X wife moved 2000 miles to Minnesota and lives 4 doors down, now she wants to get a job at the little store in town where our mail goes... ick. <P>On Mothers Day my husband and I bought a lake house. It needs a ton of work, but it will be wonderful to get out of this town and to live on a lake. Today my job is to send out change of address notifications. I don't want his X having anymore information about our lives - and if she starts doing the mail for the store, she sees everything. It feels very uncomfortable.<P>She has been here long enough that now she knows our habits. She knows my husband stops at the store before he goes to work to get a juice, say hi to his sisters (who work there) and get gas if he needs it. I saw X drive to the store to be there when my husband was there day before yesterday. I'm sure it is not a coincidence. Us women can tell when it isn't a coincidence, right? <P>He usually stops at the store to get a coke around 8:00p and visits with a couple of farmers that hang out there about that time. She realizes this and was there last night. <P>My husband says I have nothing to worry about.... but, I think he is terribly naieve!<BR>Who in their right mind would move 2000 miles and live 4 doors away from their X husband! He doesn't get it. And he doesn't understand why I don't like it, either. geez.<P>OW is engaged, but is still driving by every day several times when the guys are outside working, too da looing her hand to say "hi!" geez.... Funny how she goes down a different street when the guys aren't out there working.....<P>Vultures.<P>You can see I'm about at the end of my rope in living in this town! X wife asked husband and BIL last night (While they were coincidentally together at the store) - "How soon before you move to the lake house?" "Tell me all about it"...... ick ick ick ick ick ick.<P>Other than that, my husband and I have been getting along so well. As long as I keep my mouth shut, and not lovebust, we are doing very very very well. It helps that his daughters haven't been staying here and stirring the pot as well.<P>We will be married 10 years very soon. I hope that my husband really wants to celebrate this. We deserve a huge congratulations!<P>Well that is about it.... How about an update from all of you?<P>TnT<P>

How about good news bad news updates....<P>Bad news, I suspected H went to lunch at hooters yesterday.....<P>Good news: I asked him if he did and he didn't lie.<P>Better news: After about a half hour of him not lying, while I was tying my shoe non-chalantly, I said "So, I guess it really doesn't matter to you how I feel about you going to Hooters?" and he said, "yes, how you feel matters".....<P>BIG BIG BIG improvement over last year!!!! Last year he would have said shut up.<P>And then he came and gave me a hug, and stretched out his hand to shake it with mine. He said, "I'll make you a deal. I know that you have nothing to worry about with me, but, I will not go into Hooters ever again. And, he said he would tell his friends that he will not be going there, because he loves his wife and has a future with her, and that he will honor the deal he just made for me."<P>That is progress, huh?<P>yup.<BR>

Love it, TnT. My H made promised not to go to bars with our friend (man) because that's how his fling got started.<P>Last summer when an old friend came to town, he did ask to go out with the guys. I wasn't thrilled he wanted to go, but understood the dynamics and knew this really was an isolated event. Well, "the guys" ended up going to a girly bar (one of several stops). When I asked him about their evening, he was honest. I had huge problems with the girly bar and we discussed them. He agreed it was no place for him to be and that he wouldn't want anyone from family, church or work to see him there. He realized it was a horrible example for a man with daughters. He really had just went with peer pressure, but no excuse.<P>He promised never to go to a place like that again, no matter what...not because I made him...but he realized it was just plain old wrong. Big change.<P>Every once in a while he stops into a bar/restaurant near work for a going away party...etc... He always calls, he only stays enough to have made an appearance and I am always welcome (but logistically it doesn't work out).<P>Isn't it great to see these changes in our marriages?

TNT - First of all, what good news!!!!! You guys have really come a long way and I am proud of you.<P>It's obvious that your H <I>really</I> didn't see how visits to Hooters would bother you, but his turnaround on that issue is stunning.<P>I have the same problem with keeping my mouth shut and it is sometimes really hard to do.<P>Keep up the good work!!!!!<P>update:<BR>W talked to her attorney last week. He had been concerned because there has been no progress since January(I filed in September 1999). We had discussed the divorce process a couple of times in the last month prior to her conversation with atty. and she said on both occasions she didn't know what she wanted to do, but maybe we should just "blow it off"(the divorce). Since I filed, I have to withdraw the petition, but I have hesitated since she hasn't been able to say firmly that we should stop it. I don't want to be accused(again) of making her decisions for her.<P>She told me about the conversation yesterday and she told me she asked if him if we could keep it on hold for now. He said we could until the court started pressuring us for some kind of action. So that's what we are going to do. I asked her about her change of mind concerning "blowing it off" and she asked me what I wanted. I said if we were going to really work on the marriage, I wanted to get that axe from over my head and stop the divorce(she knows this and has been told multiple times -- Why keep asking???). She told me to go ahead and withdraw the petition if that was what I wanted. Put the onus on me. That's standard operating procedure so I can be blamed later(at least that's the way it's been historically). So I guess we are still on hold for a while.<P>Don't know what the status is with her and OM. Earlier she was trying to put distance between them. At least as much as one can when the OP is your work partner. About 3 or 4 weeks ago, she told me of this and said that it was hard for her, but even harder for him, that they had(and I guess still) talked about it. I really believe a lot of what makes it hard for her is how devastating it is for him and now she feels responsible.<P>Anyway, at this point, I would say we have a 50-60 percent chance of making it. The longer the indecision on her part lasts, the lower that number will go. I'm not like some of the people here and I figure that 15 months of this is almost enough.<P>We get along great, have only had, really, two arguments in the past 4 months, but all the plan "a" in the world isn't getting her to a decision point. Don't know how much longer I'm going to deal with this, just taking it a day at a time.<P>--DeWayne--

OK, updates.<P>Dragon Lady has not called our house since Mother's Day. H mentions her only rarely. It's possible she's taken another job, though H hasn't told me for sure.<P>Trust is returning.<P>Marriage is better, though I am still frustrated with sex infrequency and H's lethargy about having fun on weekends. He seems fine and happy, though. He no longer goes out after work. I don't either. We have dinner togther every night -- shared effort. We communicate better. I still feel that I'm doing all the work, but certainly we have a better marriage than we did before.<P>I am constantly vigilant about his needs; sometimes I get frustrated with doing all the work....

The good news:<BR>My H grew up. He seems to have found the peace and happiness that he was looking for in the wrong places. My children are slowly coming around. When my son asks "Where's Dad?" the fear is no longer in his voice. <P>The bad news:<BR>I lost myself somewhere in the journey and I'll be darned if I can find me.

WS, good news bad news? why have you been on my mind..... sounds like a song I heard during a bad time in life... "looking for love in all the wrong places..." UGGGHHH... you are in my prayers, and I hope you find yourself somewhere in that journey of yours. Where is cl's update anyhow? Florida must be nice, huh? need to send out an ali ali oxen free free free? When is Canada Day? What are your plans?<P>FHL, Why does it somehow feel awesome when you say "love it...." I know one thing, 2000 is much better than 99.<P>Dazed - Maybe dragon lady is getting bored and side tracked. whew! that is good! Dinner at home everynight sounds like progress. What about your party? Whatever happened? Did you end up canceling it this year? How about slate.... did you cause a riot over there or what?<P>Heartpain, my X and I had our divorce on hold for a year, and the only reason I finaled it was because I bought a house and wanted to hold title separately. Had to be divorced to do that in CA at that time, and he was a butt head and wouldn't let me own my own house separately. If I knew the Harley methods then, we would never have gotten divorced. Leave it on hold as long as you can, or withdraw it. Maybe she is going to let you be the bad guy, but who cares - if it keeps you from getting divorced, right?<P> <P>

TNT<BR>cl has some major adjustments going on. I'll tell her your looking for an update though.<BR>Canada Day is Saturday? What day is it today?<BR>No plans. There is an annual rodeo here but you know how much I like being around cowgirl bimbos. (Tongue in cheek)

You could send that sound machine in your living room to the bonfire, and cause a major distraction to the rodeo......<P>just a thought.

Son is getting drums in about a week and there is a pair of drumsticks with my name on them. The cowgirls will be staying away from here.

We are doing great. <BR>After a big internal struggle on my part (the trust/honesty issue), things really seems to have fallen into place in the last week or so. Dare I say it?<BR> We are really in-love again. <BR>I feel so blessed.<BR>Kathi

OK...a real update.<P>We are doing fine overall. I am still struggling with intermintent grief and frustration with our level of intimacy. Right now I am fine, but then dark days appear for no apparent reason. So is this the real me or not? The good days far outnumber the down days, so I guess that is good.<P>Although we may never reach the level of intimacy I desire, I do think my H is doing his best. That speaks for itself. He is really working hard, so we don't have a lot of time for the two of us, but I think his dissatisfaction and the affair were caused in part from his stagnation at work after he got an advanced degree. Now that he has a new job and is using (and being compensated) for our hard work, I see his hard work as really a part of recovery in the sense he is experiencing renewed personal growth.<P>There are other stuff going on that require some tough decisions, but nothing tragic, so some of my struggles may not have anything to do with the marriage. As I make decisions concerning my career, he is being very supportive. Although he was never unsupportive, he now is really encouraging me to pursue an old dream I had on the back burner. That really speaks to my heart as well.<P>Although I will never be able to let my guard down entirely, I don't see repeat infidelity on the horizon. I honestly think we tweeked the marriage in areas that needed help and that the affair was not really a reflection of our relationship as much as a really dumb minature mid life crisis at a time of discontent with life in general. I hope I am not way off on this.<P>All in all we are doing fine!

My Update:<P>Since two Monday's ago (6/16), H has stopped going to counseling. I want him to come but only if he's there to work on our marriage. His reason for going was to help my counselor "help me" thru the transition.<P>I have not talked to him since then, he has called several times at work, on cell and at home. I am not in a good place right now to talk to him so I've been avoiding his calls. He doesn't leave msgs, but he's on my caller IDs.<P>Still receiving harassment calls from OW. Have gone to the police. Will probably be initiating Police contact w/OW sometime next week. YIKES!<P>I think I'm still in Plan A, although I am working on a Plan B letter. We'll see how things go and how I feel in the next couple weeks.<P>This is the longest I've ever gone without talking to my H in 20 years. The mornings are the hardest, many tears. I want to call him, but tell myself to wait an hour to see if the urge subsides and it does. <P>No plans for July 4th (4 days off), just flying by the seat of my pants ... will probably end up doing house work and MAYBE a trip to the ocean to visit SIL. Wish I could spend it w/my H, I miss him. <P>Jo

Hmmm...<P>Good news: I am getting myself a life, and it feels pretty darn great. A freind and I are taking a trip next week, going on a four-seater airplane to another state (her H is flying us) and driving home. I am so proud of myself. There was a time in my life when the thought of getting on any type of plane would have terrified me (heck, going to the grocery store terrified me), and I am so excited about this trip.<P>Better news: H is kind of freaking out about this trip. Can't believe the changes in me..the new adventurous Allison. He asked to come home to spend the night tonight (gulp). I've learned to leave H alone, and am getting the best results from doing that. The man needs time to think, and he is thinking...hard. But, yeah...he's going to stay here tonight (and while I'm gone) and I'm really looking forward to spending some time with him. I kinda like him.<P>Bad news: My mom had an ATV accident two weeks ago (yes, she's 67 and riding an ATV...gotta love her) he has to have surgery tomorrow, plastic surgery, skin graphs...ect. Has punctured lung, 3 broken ribs, broken collarbone. I am feeling a little guilty about leaving her a few days after surgery, but have done my best lining up neices, ect to tend to her. Part of the reason for my trip is going to where her cabin is to bring her truck back to her.<P>So, the good outweighs the bad...thank God.<BR>Hoping the same for all of you.<P>allison

Things are great here. H and I couldn't be closer. OW is still in the picture but only from a distance. We heard from a police friend of ours that she just spent the weekend in detox because she was arressted for dwi, providing alcohol to a minor, no insurance, resisting arrest ect. I can't help but feel sorry for her sometimes as I'm sure that she wishes she had never heard of Minnesota. Since she has been here she has lost her children, been to court many times, had 8 jobs in 10 months, been sued by us and lost ect. Other than that our life has been pretty good. Money has been tight as husband went way overboard with everything in his out of control life last year and I'm still dealing with that part of it but it's getting better.

updates huh?<P>Well, i haven't posted in a really long time.<P>Hubby and I moved away from old town and OM. It has been such a blessing to leave. LIfe is much better not having to drive by OM house and have to deal with all the memories and reminders of that hellish situation.<P>Our marriage gets better everyday. Some days are not always great. For we are both a bit insecure. He is insecure because of my dirty deed and I am insecure because of my dirty deeds. It just isn't fair to not trust your spouse becasue you screwed up....<P>We have been in recovery since April 1. That was the official NO CONTACT letter day and my decision to make things work. <P>There are days that H where my affair gets the better of him. For example if i am in a realy great mood, he thinks it is for reasons other than I am just in a great mood. That kind of stuff sets us back a little but at least we are still applying MB principals and they are working.<P>WE were never able to get counseling. although, I think i still need counseling. I do not feel like the same person. I still feel emotionally detached at times. I do know however, that I deeply love my husband. I still go through the occasional depression, sometimes it lasts for weeks. then for weekds i am good.<P>God is still the rock of my life.<P>"I can do all things through HIm who strengthens me"<BR>mercy

Update:<P>Doing pretty good, even despite my H working nights, again! I haven't had trouble w/that so far. I do miss going to sleep w/him, though! That'll take awhile to get used to, again!<P>XOM has not called, and I'm sure he's received my no contact letter. Even if he did call, it would not be a problem for me. I'm prepared w/my "You've gotten my letter, please don't call again" statement (thanks, Jim! ). And I also don't have that desire or need to talk to him, either.<P>I'm just striving to stay close to my H; it does take some work to stay out of the no communication rutt!<P>My prayers are with you all!!

Ok, guess I'll go next.<P>We're close to five months in recovery and things are going along really well.<P>We're talking better, LISTENING better, laughing and loving each other better than we have in years. I couldn't realistically ask for Robert to be more wonderful.<P>I'm still struggling with the new schedule, which just happens to be NO schedule!! My dream come true and I am not handling it as well as I thought! Oh,well, 25 years of working, guess that's a hard habit to break! But, I do believe I'm finally "getting it" and I'm starting to be ready to move up a step! Yayy for me!<P>Kristin's made strides since the big "breakthrough" and I really feel like there's an awful lot of healing going on here. I don't worry anymore about getting teary, or annoyed, or letting him know what's bothering me.....we've learned to deal with those kinds of things pretty well.<P>All in all, what a CHANGE from a year ago, huh? <P>It's awfully nice to hear some of the progress going on around here.....we spent some long LONG nights together for a long, long time.<P>Ok, gotta run. Talk to you guys soon.<P>Luv to all,<P>Lori

Continuing mediation, have been separated since November, bought separate houses, have my son 33% of the time (yuk). Her om left his family in April so her life is going well.<BR>I asked her to marry me on the 4th of July 13 years ago.... I hate memories especially the ones that were lies cause she was in love with someone else...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm sure that she wishes she had never heard of Minnesota. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>LOL... she's not the only one... <P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die