Bump for responses on this old thread.<p>Jo

Well I didn't marry my wife just for sex. I was getting that from her without being married. I married her because I was in love with her and couldn't see not sharing my life with her. In my opinion anyone who married just for sex found their marriage very un-fullfilling.<p>Sex was/is important. But it held no part in my decision to ask my W to marry me. Like I said, I was getting that without being married.<p>jd

I am waiting until someone point it out, yeah !!! jdmac1 !!!. My top EN is SF and I did get it a lot before M. I marry my W since I want to spend the rest of my life with her and let her be the mother of our offspring. Now here is the twist, why I am still here trying to safe M even I have not have SF for about a year now. I refused invitation to have one, an A.(BE, if you follows my story). There is more to it than SF, there are at least 9 other ENs.

I asked my husband if he was with Miss Kitty for the doodiwana, or if he really loved her. . .well, typical man, he didn't respond at all. "Du-u-u-u-u-u-h. I dunno."<p>If he said it was only for the doodiwana, then that would make him look like a real creep, and if he said he loved her (he told me that he didn't at all, he told her that he did a million times, quoting Byron and talking about the sun moon and stars and all that stupid stuff) well, then, that would just plain prove that he was crazy. I don't think that there was a whole lot about her to love, and he knew that.<p>No actually, what he did say at one point is that he loved her, but that he loved me a jillion times more (how in the world can you measure "love?") And so I said "Then it was for sex?" And he said, "Well, no, not exactly. . ." (Seems like it to me, they were really nasty together.)<p>So anyways. . .<p>When I was in college, being a good Christian girl at the time, I was resolved to go to my marriage bed pure and undefiled. I held a tight grip on my virginity and fought any attempts to claim it by any randy young man. I pretty much did not have a steady boyfriend, therefore, ever. The guys who tried and were defeated never talked to me again. Which seriously destroyed my self-esteem--I thought that I was ugly or something. But I had this idea in my head that I would be faithful to my husband before I even met him. Hey, I thought that's what a prospective husband wanted, at least that's what the folks at church said.<p>One day, I met a wonderful guy and we hit it off like crazy. I told him that I was waiting for marriage, and he said, cool, that's great. Not like we didn't get funky together, ever, but he made sure we didn't take it too far. I loved him for that. We talked about marriage after about two weeks.<p>Little did I know that after walking me home to my dorm room every night, he would go to this really super fat biker woman's house and stay there until the next day. Guess I was the appetizer and she was the main course. One day when she called me and told me she was pregnant, I freaked. It couldn't be so! After all, he said he loved me, and in fact told me so right in front of her. We all three sat down and had a pow-wow, and he pretty much told her that he was with me, and to get rid of the pregnancy. Which didn't score points with me and I dumped him on the spot. Even though I was still sick in love with him. And he carried on for months after like, "Hey, what did I DO? I fixed things, right?" It was my first lesson in "Love doesn't equal sex." Granted, we were all stupid college kids. But it made me really bitter for a long time and I carried the sludge of this relationship into the next--unfortunately, because it was with my first husband.<p>I was so desperate to hold onto a relationship that I gave into the sex part with my next partner. Only, the man I had sex with was not really worth holding onto. I discovered that after I had become intimate with him, that he had gone back to the girl that he had been seeing before me to kind of "wrap things up" have a few more encounters for "old time's sake." That hurt wicked bad. I felt so cheated. Engaged to be married, I went to army basic training, and discovered when I returned that he had had an eight week sex festival in my absence just to sow his wild oates before committing to just one boring woman for the rest of his life. When I moved to ditch him, he bawled and sent me roses and threatened to kill himself. I was seriously mad and got with best friend to show him how it felt, nevertheless, it just further reinforced to me the notion that sex doesn't mean love. He told me that doing his best friend (who had eagerly told me of my fiance's indescretions in order to score with me) was not a big deal, he would over look that if I would come back to him and marry him. (How noble of him.) Jeez, what a soap opera. It set the stage for our marriage, however, which ended two kids later. So sad. If I could just do it all over again I would never have given him the time of day.<p>Why the heck is sex so darn important? It's like money--when you don't have any, you go crazy to get some. When you have ample and your needs are met, you ignore it or abuse it.<p>I am hardly a prude now, when it comes to getting it on. But I don't understand--I mean, I wake my husband up and say "Come on, stud, I need it right now," and he rolls over and says "It's been a long day." Yet, when he had the chance to get with some icky chick, he didn't think twice. And he says he didn't love her. (In retrospect. . .he sure told her anything in order to get her to put out, which she didn't hesitate in doing, because she loved the attention. They traded sex for affection, affection for sex, I guess. That's the key to the whole guy/girl thing right there.)<p>It's the single biggest difference between men and women, the Sex Drive, and it truly deserves a lot of study and understanding. After all my Life's Lessons, I am still barely scratching the surface.<p>I guess what I am really trying to say here is this, from my personal observation (and I could be completely wrong, so sue me [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Guys don't marry for sex, good sex doesn't mean a man will marry you, but without sex, the love you have is pretty much conditional, because if he is not satisfied, then he may wander. It seems like all the rules about sex are out-lined by men, and so women have to play by them. That's not fair.<p>ps--JO!!!! My lasagna is awful. I try and try, but it still comes out as a big pan of nasty. I need your secret.<p>[ January 06, 2002: Message edited by: Bernzini ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Bernzini:
<strong>Guys don't marry for sex, good sex doesn't mean a man will marry you, but without sex, the love you have is pretty much conditional, because if he is not satisfied, then he may wander. ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Berzini,
believe it or not, I read the whole thing! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>At the end of your entire post, I realized I do not have a past very much like yours, except for the "...was resolved to go to my marriage bed pure and undefiled..." which failed me miserably, b/c my WH did not realize HOW UNexperienced I was (not that I didn't do anything(with one particular guy I was crazy in love with, especially) - just not the "wild thang." This led to many a misunderstanding, disillusionment and finally a total LACK of sexual desire on my part.<p>WH "lived without it" that way for a looong time, too long, I now realize. My bad. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Now, my DH had always told me he couldn't have a ONS with just anyone he wasn't "in-love" with, and I believe him, which is what makes this betrayal all the harder to take, since I DO believe he is that way, and therefore MUST be having LOVING feelings for OP (old g/f no less). But, I did this myself by NOT being aware of HOW STRONG SF need is to men, and therefore, since he now has "loving feelings' for OW I might as well go hang myself. If he thinks there's NEVER gonna be a shred of change in my sexual beh. what the heck is there to come home to??? Not that he'd stop his "running away" to ask....eh?<p>Sooo, in a long-winded way, I just wanted to add that this thread has been enlightening to me, in terms of educating me as to a man's REAL motivation, as well as disheartening. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Might as well throw in the towel now. WH believes I will/can never change to satisfy him. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Lupolady,<p>
Awwwww! My post wasn't THAT long, was it?<p>Sexual desire comes and goes, that's my theory. It is easier get that desire when a man proves to you that he is loving and caring even when you don't "do it." Who wants to have sex with a mean man pumped full of testosterone? Some men have this idea that they should get it no matter how they behave, and if they don't get it, they have the right to act like monsters.<p>While in the recovery from his affair, sometimes I just don't want H to touch me. Period. Everytime we were intimate, I had to picture him with that filthy old woman and the things they did. Wouldn't that put a damper on things, maybe?While that feeling is slowly diminishing, from earlier this year, H would always stomp off angrily to the couch after poking me and prodding me and not getting the response he thought he deserved. And whenever I left the house, he would look at pornography. Hey, if he couldn't get it from me, he was gonna get it elsewhere. How comforting and loving is that? It sure made me want to do it with him all the more.<p>It comes and goes for men, too. Like my friend admitted to me that he husband doesn't desire her because she is a little bit heavy (a LITTLE bit!!! I don't get that--what a jerk! I am a LITTLE heavy and my husband likes it.)<p>Not fair, not fair, not fair.<p>Don't hang it up, Lupolady, you know as well as I do that a relationship is NOT built on sex. Good sex should be the embellishment of a happy relationship and friendship and commitment. Sooner or later your H will come to know that, it one way or another.<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: Bernzini ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Bernzini:
<strong>Awwwww! My post wasn't THAT long, was it?<p>Don't hang it up, Lupolady, you know as well as I do that a relationship is NOT built on sex. ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Nah!!! Your post isn't any longer than a few I've done myself a few times!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] It's just that I felt as though I WAS reading "my own life story" a few times!!<p>As far as "a little bit heavy" - I AGREE WITH YOU!!! What kind of a JERK is a guy who would say a thing like that?!?!?! Although, in all honesty, I can't honestly BEEEELEEEVE my WH has gone to a woman who (literally) weighs more than twice what I weigh!!!!!! YUCK. That's more than a "little heavy." DOUBLE YUCK. If it's NOT "sex" sex, and more sex, then what the heck is it??? I mean, I WAS "a little heavy" - not after the infidelity diet - but never obese. TWICE my weigh plus some is OBESE. I hope I'm not offending anyone here. Really, more of a VENT about our OW than anything else.<p>I appreciate your "pick-me-up." I needed that after reading this whole thread. It was making me feel like I had REALLY screwed it up BIG TIME. BTW - you are totally RIGHT ON about a woman NOT wanting to "give it" to a guy who acts like a JERK to her. I mean, my biggest complaint w/my DH is that he never "protected" me from his family's insults!! I mean TERRIBLE things they said and did to me!! And if I tried to complain, all he'd say was, "I didn't hear it..." or "Get used to it, it's just how they are." HELLO?!?!?!?!? What about respect for me?!?!?! Ahh, well, a little vent there. Anyway, maybe you're right. Maybe SHE'LL get the "royal treatment" from the Dear IL's and SEE if SHE feels like being all loving and intimate w/him after a "treatment" from THEM.<p>Now THAT would be revenge, wouldn't it?? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]