I know Plan B is a last ditch attempt to bring the betrayed to his senses while preserving good feelings between the warring spouses. I know it is done for the benefit of the betrayed, but it's had a unexpected effect on me.<P>It's enabled me to say good-bye without regret. I can clearly see what we had, and it wasn't the fantasy I dreamt of, but real life marriage. I can clearly see who he is, who I am, and what I want and don't want. I can see what he's done without exploding in anger or pain. It's basically made dissolving our marriage okay.<P>I had a lot of stress about ending the whole thing. I strongly believed in "til death do you part". I wanted to fix this in a bad way. I wanted to "win". Now, I can accept the situation as it is. <P>I didn't want to feel like he didn't love me, but you know what, he didn't. It was easy for me to cling to my fantasy of this fairy tale life because it made me special, but I wasn't special. I was just the house honey while the others were out back in the stable. The fight to preserve our relationship and to cling to our love was more about me wanting to feel valued and loved than anything else. <P>The irony is that I was the one spouting all this stuff about our love, and now I am the one who is losing it. I don't feel anything toward him anymore. If he goes here or there with this one or that one, so what? If he says something bad about me, so what? I don't want to see him, not because it's painful, but because why bother? I'm over it.<P>Plan B got me to a good place, but it sure wasn't the expected destination!

popeye,<P>Even before I knew of Harley's method, I was plan B'ing my H. And I have to concur. Putting that distance between us allowed me to really look at my marriage and my H objectively. I'm not surprised now that he cheated - there were several instances where he lied throughout the marriage. This was by far not the worst. H lied about why he couldn't get a job, lied about not abusing me, lied to people about me having a mental disorder, on and on and on. I have temporal focal epilepsy, which has never impeded me from doing anything. With H, I felt like a mutant - he was always pointing out that I had it, and that it affected my ability to "function." Even though that was by far from the truth. I never felt "handicapped" or "discriminated against" until I met H. It made me doubt everything about my own abilities to work, have a flourishing career, maintain relationships with people, and generally, function alone (which I had for 29 years before I met H). H rubbed it in whenever he did the least little nice thing for me - as though it were a big favor, and not something I deserved. He was well on the path to cheating before it ever happened.<P>I ask myself if it would be more healthy for me to divorce him and find someone who *won't* lie and treat me like he has. The answer is, when I think about being single again, I have far more hope than I do when I consider staying with H. The thought makes me happier. I know that I'm a good, strong, *normal* person, and that there are men out there who would kill to be able to live the rest of their lives with me. I could more easily fall in love, get married, and have a family with someone else than I could my H. With him, I would now always feel as though I'm shortchanging myself.<P>Ironic, isn't it?<P>BTW - plan B worked well for five months. My H was delighted that I was no longer on his case. Took away the complications of having to sneak around and feel guilty about doing what he was doing. Plan B gave my H the perfect out.<P>belld

Popeye:<P>I'm sorry you've arrived where you're at, but I can certainly understand. Plan B does have the effect of taking us away from the situation and making us look at what's really going on...for both the betrayer and the betrayed. Sometimes with a clear head we don't like what we see.<P>I'm there right now although I'm technically in Plan A...questioning whether this man is really worth it...whether this is a marriage that needs to be saved...whether I want to spend any more of my life tied to this man...whether my "love" for him is just years of attachment. <P>But I think that this will pass. I would be an angel if I didn't have doubts...because I can't see the future. All I know is that I'm leaving the door open to the possibility of his changing...and I think you will admit you probably still have the key to that door.<P>So go on with your life...you deserve a little happiness...but, leave a little light on in your heart, for there is always the possibility that God still can work a miracle in your H.<P>I for one appreciate all you've done and appreciate your clear insight. Please don't disappear on us.<P>Buffy <P>

Dear Popeye,<P>I really needed to hear what you wrote here. I am, I think a ways from Plan B, but it's so nice to know that you have learned so very much from it.<P>Just a quick question. Popeye, I always pay close attention to your answers to others. You really seem to understand MB and the concepts here and offer a great deal of good advice to others. Do you feel like ... this is going to sound wrong... but, do you feel like you "lost"...since you don't feel like you won? Did you loose your marriage, but find yourself? <P>I see so many here that win back their WS, but they don't always seem very happy afterwards. Maybe for a short while they seem happy, since they "won", but it seems like the resentment and problems just keep at them and they don't seem very happy. <P>I've lurked around the divorce boards a bit, and to tell you the truth, those people posting over there seem at more peace than those in recovery.<P>Anyway, it's good to see you accepting things so very well. I admire you for this and hope that if I end up divorced that I will feel good about my decision too. You know, some of us just married men that can't be faithful...better to face it than to drive ourselves crazy and waste our lives.<P>allison

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by az allison:<BR><B>Do you feel like ... this is going to sound wrong... but, do you feel like you "lost"...since you don't feel like you won? Did you lose your marriage, but find yourself? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I suppose it all depends on how we define "winning". Is the goal to stay married or to have a relationship that is worth the pain and sacrifice and continues to offer growth and happiness. For me, the goal is to have something worth all this pain. It is to be understood, loved, and cherished.<P>I am okay most of the time, but I have the same feelings of loss as the rest of you. I beat myself up a little for the things I did wrong. I wonder about all the "what ifs". And I still love my husband dearly, but what it comes down to is what am I willing to sacrifice to have him in my life? I can have him back tomorrow, but our lives wouldn't change. He'd still be running around with woman and lying to me. You see, HE hasn't changed. HE hasn't taken responsibility. He hasn't even said he is sorry. Why do I want that?<P>I've grown a tremendous amount and it has cost me dearly! I feel I have something wonderful to offer him. I feel we have a fabulous chance at happiness because of all the things that have changed in me, but it can't happen without his help. So, I can wait and wait and wait and wait and hope, or I can get on with the rest of my life.<P>Do I feel like I lost? I feel an incredible sense of loss for my fantasy of our fairy tale love. I feel I lost the man I loved. I lost my innocence. But I haven't lost the love, and I have gained maturity and strength. I wish that I could have the chance to apply it to the relationship I pledged my life and love to, but that is not to be. Is it sad? Yes, but it's okay. I am not the loser, he is. <P>I guess the triumph was supposed to be over the OWs. I didn't get the man, so in one way I didn't win, but if you look at the "prize", I suppose I did. ha!