<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tyra:<BR><B>This reply is not from Tyra, it's from Mitz, the "Betrayer" The following will probably generate a lot of responses, some good, some not so good. But in the words of Rhett to Scarlet, "Franlky, I don't give a damn" (Gone With The Wind) Here's my take on the choice of definitions....when I first came to this site the first thing I was greeted with was the term "Betrayer" which immediately turned me off. I understand what I did was wrong, I not only bent my vows I broke the hell out of them. But, to see the negative connotation that the words "betrayer and betrayed" bring is like a slap in the face. I know some of you will agree that maybe that's what it takes....a slap to make those of us who have "strayed" to realize what we have done and the people we have hurt including ourselves. I for one do not visit this site because of the use of those two terms. I know what I did and I am dealing with it the best way I know how. I have read posts that Tyra has printed for me and I have not read anything yet from anyone that has given me any reasons to continue coming or reading anymore from this site. I feel it is very biased toward the "Betrayed" with little or no thought given to the reasons why the "Betrayer" did what he/she did.<P>Mitz, the Betrayer.......sheeeesh.......<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Mitz,<BR> Deceive yourself with "sugar-coated" euphanisms if you insist, but all that says to me is that you are denying just what it is that you have done. If you are trying to downplay it, that is ridiculous. You refuse to acknowledge the true depth of what you have done. Let me tell you, I know. My husband "strayed". It is a pain that tears me to my very soul, I am shredded emotionally. I am angry, the only person in the world that I thought I could TRUST and DEPEND on was the last one I should have. STRAYED MEANS YOU F*****G GOT LOST!!!!! YOU DID NOT GET LOST, YOU DELIBERATELY CHOSE A PATH THAT BROUGHT PAIN AND ANGER TO THE PERSON YOU VOWED TO LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH FOR THE REST OF YOUR NATURAL LIFE!!!! YOU TOOK THAT PATH WITH YOUR EYES OPEN, WITH ONLY YOURSELF ON YOUR MIND, YOUR FEELINGS, WHAT YOU WANTED, NOT YOUR WIFE!!!! HOW DARE YOU SIT THERE NOW AND QUIBBLE OVER TERMS!!!! GET REAL. If my husband were like you, I'd have no problem telling him to get lost. Why? Because you are still only thinking about your feelings. So the words "Betrayed" and "Betrayer" turn you off. Stop looking at things through rose colored glasses, you betrayed your wife and your marriage vows. Until you can admit that to yourself, you may as well quit reading self-help books, you're wasting her time as well as yours. So you feel uncomfortable with those terms. You are supposed to. Why should your wife be the only one in the situation who felt badly? Don't like what I've said? Since you are into quotes, here's one for you, "The truth hurts, doesn't it?"<BR>

My H was also turned off by this board. He didn't like anything anyone (Betrayed or Betrayer) had to say. Didn't like the terms. Didn't like the fact that we talked about it. Didn't like that it was on the internet. Refused to come here after seeing how people felt. <P>I think he doesn't want to see himself labeled that way. I think he doesn't want to face the pain he's caused and that other people in the same situation feel. It makes it all too real.

Yes popeye, I agree with you. He knows he has caused alot of pain, but doesn't want to consider the depths of the hurt. Not only to myself but others too.<BR>He didn't want to read Survivng an Affair because he said "What If I don't want to survive it?<BR>Marriage builders : HUM what if I don't want to rebuild my marriage?<BR>So today I sit and am ready to accept this is not what he wants. His actions speak louder than words, and they tell me I'm just spinning my wheels, and it's time to move on.<BR>I guess once again I'm trying to help him avoid making another drastic mistake, but I realize that it will be his mistake. All I can do is be around to pick up the pieces for myself and our children. He will have to fend for himself.<BR>If he spends the rest of his life wandering, what if'ing or maybe I should have? Well then he will have to live that life alone.<BR>Or with someone that is in the same state of confusion that he is.<BR>I will be fine, I did it before , I can do it again. It will be hard...no illusions here, but life moves on and at least I know what TRUE LOVE was for 27 of our 29 years of marriage. I will not settle for anything less, from him or anyone else. <BR>Now I must accept his choice and move on with my life. <BR>God has a plan for me, just have to find out what that is.<BR>Thanks to all that replied. I know you wanted to help. You did help me, even if he wouldn't accept your help. In the long run it will be his loss.<BR>Hang in there everyone. <BR>There are some success stories , mine just isn't one of them.<BR> I take that back , I am a success story because I LEARNED to dig deep for strength I never new I HAD!!!<BR>Prayers to all<BR>Tyra

My H doesn't like the use of any terms that indicate that he has done anything wrong or make him feel guilty. Personally, I think "affair" is a very toned down washed out version of what really happened but he prefers that. Betrayed is how I feel, so he is the betrayor. <P>I do think it's a VERY strong word when you look at it's definition. It's not a word we use so cavalierly as "affair" or "cheater". Those words have various meanings according to the context, but you won't find clinical or loose definitions for the word Betray. Even "Adultery" has a very clinical sound to it, not really emotional..."Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse" How clinical is that?? Yes betray sounds so much worse...maybe that's why it hits us very deeply when we hear it. "To lie, to deceive,to be disloyal, to commit treason" Very powerful stuff.<P>I am hoping at some point my H will come to terms with the "terms", but until then I'm sure he'll behave the same way, steering clear of anything that causes him to face what he has done, and running from the truth.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally poste So today I sit and am ready to accept this is not what he wants. His actions speak louder than words, and they tell me I'm just spinning my wheels, and it's time to move on.<BR>I guess once again I'm trying to help him avoid making another drastic mistake, but I realize that it will be his mistake. All I can do is be around to pick up the pieces for myself and our children. He will have to fend for himself.<BR>]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Tyra,<BR> Good luck to you. I am sad that your H doesn't want to rebuild your marriage, but I felt as much after reading his post. I guess that's why I lit into him like I did. I am blessed with a good man who realizes what he did, and after a seperation of a year, is making every effort to make things work out. Our situation is a little different because the OW is pregnant, so there will be a constant reminder of what happened. As you said, your's is a success story, because that's how you feel about it. You know you've done your best, and you are wise enough to know when that's not good enough. Anytime you need some support, you know there are plenty of good people here who can help you through the tough times. Good Luck.<BR>ktgirl<BR>