[QUOTE]Originally posted by hopeful1771:<BR><B>From these two quotes, neither one of you had an affair but you post like you have lived through infidelity.</B><P>My W and I are recovering from her emotional withdrawal, there has been no infidelity. I try to drop that fact regularly when I answer posts on the infidelity boards...as I see, you found two mentions of my specific history in my posts to you from the last 24 hours. <P><B>I tried to read your story under the sunglasses but there was nothing there so I don't know your story. I would like to know what you have been through so that I can relate it to my story and maybe understand your posts here.</B><P>The sunglasses function has been broken here for awhile. It doesn't work on anyone, you included. As to my story, it can be found mostly on the EN board. I am a big fan of the MB methods, as it has led to my marriage being recovered (albeit not from infidelity). My W was very withdrawn, but a very religious and moral person, and I strongly doubt she would ever commit adultery. But our marriage was in pretty bad shape before I started on Plan A.<P>I came over here and JFO a month or so back to steer people to the site articles when NSR was on vacation. There was sort of a flood of heartbreaking newbie posts going unanswered. Maybe you can hang around and help, you certainly seem qualified. <P>Any advice I give in the infidelity sections is based on my readings on the MB methods, and is normally accompanied by urls to the relevant articles. Anyway, obviously you two know the material better than me, and perhaps I'm annoying you be reiterating stuff you know, like the Rule of Honesty. I'll bow out now. I wish you luck. If you are looking for people going through precisely what you are, you may want to post something in the In Recovery section.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited August 13, 2000).]

Mike C2<P>It just seems to me that if you haven't gone through infidelity you wouldn't understand what we are going through. I'm glad that you recoginzed the problems in your own marriage before an affair happened and that you are using Harley's principals before an affair does happen. I'm also glad that you are giving the information in newbies here. I just think that you have to live through it to understand what we are going through. Just a little thought

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hopeful1771:<BR><B>It just seems to me that if you haven't gone through infidelity you wouldn't understand what we are going through. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh, point conceded, totally. My meager MB experience lies in Plan A <P>Hopeful, I wasn't trying to imply that I had personal experience as a betrayer that would somehow benefit you. In fact, my posts clearly stated otherwise. If you want to discount what I have to say due to that I understand. <P>But I see posts from a full year ago where you are saying you can't tell ES everything he wants to know about your affair and you sense it is holding back your recovery. Then I see posts from him a year ago saying he is having trouble recovering because he still has unanswered questions about your affair. Now it is a whole year later and you are both back here saying the exact same things. I think if I had cheated on my wife I still would be thinking that you two need to have some honest conversations in order to fully recover your marriage.<P>You know, what I didn't see in reading your old posts (although I may have missed it) was a discussion of Plan Aing each other, fulfilling your ENs, etc. It seems to me that your original post here in this thread was about one of your ENs not being met by your H -- your EN for admiration, specifically.<P>Maybe, and I don't know, I haven't dealt with an affair, but maybe your situation would be improved by a re-evaluation of your attempts to meet each other's ENs. My W and I periodically retake the EN test, and it is a good idea, I think. I also find it is valuable to reread some of the MB material from time to time, or to see what is new. I pointed your H to an article on overcoming resentment that I think was posted here fairly recently. He sort of snapped back at me that he'd read everything on the site, but I think there are some relevant excerpts in there for your situation. Here is one (Dr. Harley speaking about a case where a husband kept bringing up an old affair in marital discussions):<P>"""I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument. By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her.""""<P>Here is the url for that: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html</A> <P>By the way, I see elsewhere that you are a ISFJ, same as my wife. I have found that I need to pull her needs out of her....that she isn't very demanding or insistent, but reacts wonderfully when I do meet her ENs (family commitment and domestic support being two major ones). Maybe you are the same way?<P>Best wishes,<P>Mike<P>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited August 14, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited August 14, 2000).]

Hi Mike<P>Sorry for jumping in on this thread, but he link you gave didn't work.<P>I would really like to read this because I am having trouble with the resentment issues.<P>Thanks<P>Gabe

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Dimples:<BR><B>Hi Mike, Sorry for jumping in on this thread </B><P>You and me both <P><B>but the link you gave didn't work.</B><P>Yes, the infamous missing link. My mistake, I went back and fixed it. You should be able to link in from the message up there 2 or 3 now. That article is part of a 4 or 5 part series that bears reading, if you are someone recovering from infidelity.<P>I'm not, have I mentioned that enough? <P>Also, you may want to put up a post in the In Recovery section. That topic is a common one over there, and there are some wise heads.<P>Mike <P>P.S: Gabe -- while I was poking around looking for something else, I find an older artilce by the Harelys entitled "Why Can't We Just Forgive and Forget" Or maybe it was by Bill Clinton. Anyway, here's the url, maybe there is a thought or two there that might help you on the road...<BR>[url]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html[\url]<P>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited August 14, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited August 14, 2000).]