Myna, <P>I was just reading your responses and advice to Kristy Ann and it dawned on me that this is exactly what happened in my situation along with a little help from Mother Nature.<P>After D-day (July 99), we (family) had planned a trip to the beach for Aug., H told OW he had to go for the kids...SHE didn't like it, September, I tore my calf muscle playing tennis and had to wear a cast for six weeks and H assisted me tremendously... SHE didn't like it, Sept.,Oct.,Nov., football games (big in our family), no way he could take HER...She didn't like it.She just love busted herself silly and I hadn't even thought about that, THANKS!!!<P>I thank the Lord for small favors in helping my H see the light and realize all that he would lose with OW. <P>As far as Kristy's trip w/H is concerned...I'm most certain that appearances will play into his taking her with him, he has too much too lose if he takes OW or goes alone. If I were her I would make sure I contacted some of the others that are planning to go and let them kind of set up the question as to whether or not she is going with H. Surely they don't know about the OW...I'm not sure about circumstances, but I feel sure he will ask her to go, in the meantime, she has four weeks to Plan A away...<P>And like you said,Myna, the more she deposits the more OW will withdraw. Great insight!!!<P>Cathy

Kristy-ann<BR>Your post is like a mime of my marriage. wow! I think my H may feel some of that. I know that he never attempted to ask me for any changes in our marriage(he was needy, though) I was so wrapped up in my needs and my children's needs, that I at first withheld certain EN from him to jumpstart him into action. Then it became habit for me to treat him that way because he never reacted or made any attempts to change. He let me. I took advantage of him to no avail, and he did the same of me. It is no wonder his OW makes him feel special. <P>I still hope he will leave her. I don't know what is up until then...I too hope it is not too late. I am just starting to realize the reality of our marriage. I want a chance to right some things! We have treated each other badly, but it can change; for the better!

Dear Kathy and Burned,<P>One blessed thing about my situation is that there is no chance that the OW will be a factor. She happens to be the daughter of one of his co-workers. Her dad is EXTREMELY upset with my H for seducing her and landing her in the middle of our marital problems (she's only 21). He will not allow my H to come anywhere near her and *she* wants nothing to do with coming between us either. So she's out of the picture. <P>I almost think that was by God's design, too. If my H had OW to run to, there would probably be no hope at all for saving our marriage. <P>This situation makes it more in his best interest to take me to the outing than not -- for "appearances" at least. The girl's dad is going to be there and his boss knows, too -- and it would be better for my H if I was there with him. It will be the first time they will come face to face and who knows how it might turn out.<P>What do you think if I say something like, "I'd still like to go if it's ok with you -- no expectations, no pressure -- and if you say no, I won't argue or push it."<P>God has hit me squarely between the eyes in the last couple of days with a few revelations. I have not been such a great wife. In retrospect, I can look back (painfully so) and see how I have treated my H disrespectfully and dishonorably. I have to accept this responsibility and be accountable for it. I'm not saying it was okay for him to cheat, but I have more understanding for how he was driven to it by my selfish, petty attitude. It didn't happen overnight, it's been going on for a long time.<P>My H is actually a very compassionate person, and I know he feels very badly about what he did. The fact remains that he does not feel "in love" with me anymore and I am the primary cause of that. I was busy seeking satisfaction for my own emotional needs and, even though he had given me some real distinct verbal cues, I wasn't listening or attentive to his ENs. The remorse I feel is deep -- deeper than I can describe -- because my self-serving behavior may cost me my dear husband.<P>It has only been about 2-1/2 weeks since d-day, but the Lord has given me a message that this happened not to bring about changes in him, or in our marriage, but in ME. Whichever way this goes, I will be forever changed by it, through God's merciful plan, for the better. I have no desire to be the person I was before all this. I can see how I've been living my life and it looks pretty ugly. I can't blame him for falling out of love with me, I probably would have, too.<P>When I first learned about Plan A my objective was to "win my husband back." Now my goal is to be a better person and to at least salvage a friendship from the man that I love. I will always love him, not just as a husband, but as a person. I would rather he feel comfortable having a caring friendship with me than to have him want to be my enemy.<P>It hurts to think about the price I will pay to have God get my attention. The day may come when love -- marital love -- will come back in our lives. I pray that it will, but if it doesn't, love won't be completely dead between us. I would give my all to be able to spend the rest of my life letting my husband know every day how much I love and appreciate him. I may never get that chance, but at least I know that God has loved me enough to change me, and that will happen either way.<P>My Plan A right now comes completely from the heart. I am humbled. I am broken. "The Potter wants to put me back together again." Praise God for his infinite wisdom and mercy.<P>In God's perfect love, KristyAnn

KristyAnn<P>My sentiments exactly!!! My H is basically a very compassionate person and suffers great remorse for what he has done to us. Everyday, unfortunately, he sees what he has done to me and to us.<P>I am now in wihtdrawal from thoughts of the OW, it's almost like I don't want to get rid of her b/c she represents something to him that I am not. If I could only find out more about her ,I think I could move on. It's a crazy feeling. H doesn't think about her at all and gets so upset w/me when I assume or even ask if he does think about her.<P>I too realize how horrible I was to my H.<BR>I didn't treat him with honor and respect and I put all others before him for so many years, it breaks my heart to think how long and how much he endured until he made that final, fatal decision... to replace me.<P>My heart is sad for you. I know exactly how you feel. You have a long road ahead of you and many stages to go through. But be brave and strong and you will get through this.<P>You are so right about having the advantage of the OW being out of the picture now. This will really make it easier on you, b/c your H can not blame you for discovery (as I understand) it is someone else who has come between them, not you. That's a plus!<P>Good luck, I feel for you. God bless.<P>Cathy<P>

Dear Cathy,<P>I hear you saying that there is still a lot of things haunting you about your H affair. Do you feel that asking him about it results in LB? I know how hard the images of OW are to get out of your head. I think if my H and I were together and working things out, I'd push them out with all the energy I could muster and focus on rebuilding and falling back in love. You're so lucky in that way -- don't lose sight of that. <P>I know I have a long ways to go, that time is going to have to pass before a) my husband truly believes that I have changed, b) the changes in me take a good, solid, permanent hold, and c) he comes back to me (if at all). All I can do is work on being the best person I can be and keep hoping and praying that our marriage will be saved. <P>What's sad is realizing how much I love him after he's gone. I could just kick myself! What a selfish fool I've been.<P>Well, enough Kristy bashing for me. Every day does get better and (PTL!) God is with me every step of the way.<P>By the way, what did you think of my suggestion for asking him about the outing in my previous post????<P>Take care,<BR>KristyAnn

KristyAnn<P>Yes, I do think asking him anything about the A or OW is LB. I have noticed that as more time goes by and the less I say or mention the more willing he is to discuss it without my asking anything. Keep that in mind, ok. I believe they need to vent also, and alot of times they don't have anyone to do that with, because they are so ashamed (yes, they do reach that point) and the closer we become the more they feel secure enough to discuss the issue,hoping we will understand. He has really gotten close to telling me what he didn't like about her and I eat that up, wanna hear more of that stuff!!!<P>As fas as your asking him about your going on the trip... don't ask him for a while yet, I think things will change quickly for you two. If time gets close though, I would mention that you would still like to go.<BR>Don't act to desperate to go, that may be a turn-off for him.<P>I remember my H had a trip to Atlanta, last year this time, and I do love Atlanta. He, of course was way in the fog and was not at home, at this time I was desperately pursueing him, I wrote him a note and told him I would love to go with him and I promised I wouldn't mention her or anything, I just wanted to be with him. <P> He left me a note on the back steps the morning that he left saying he thought it would be best if I didn't go this time, it wasn't a good idea. This was devastating for me... nothing like that had ever come out of his mouth or head. <P> I know she had a lot to do with that decision I'm sure. However, I know she did not go with him b/c the company that sponsored the trip knows me and they would not have tolerated such behavior.<P><BR>As a matter of fact, he is in Atlanta tonight for the same reasons as last year, I was supposed to go but the children started back to school yesterday and we couldn't work out the scheduling. I reluctantly stayed home and believe me, my stomach is in a knot. I LB'd big time when he left today and I'm guiltily (sp) having to deal with that. I've already talked to him and explained how paranoid I am and why I was ugly to him this morning and he says he understands. I hope so...<P>Well, I'm probably boring all of you half to death and I'm sorry.<P>KristyAnn, is your story somewhere that I can read? It would help me understand your situation better. Let me know, thanks<P>Cathy

Dear Cathy,<P>Hi, again. To start, yes, my story is posted under the Roll Call Index. Better grab a cup of coffee first -- I got pretty windy.<P>I don't get bored reading your posts. I'm so glad that you are here to "talk" to. Sometimes, I feel like I must be too whiney or something and people don't want to respond. D-day has not been too long ago (2-1/2 weeks), so I'm sure my attitude will improve as the days go by. I'm trying to stay positive.<P>What makes you say you think things will change quickly? How long does the average Plan A take before starting to see at least a glimmer of positive response? I'm sure it's different for everyone AND I'm trying very hard to be patient AND I know it hasn't been all that long . . . but, good grief, it is sooooo hard!<P>He's been gone this week and said he would call on Sat, but that seems like an eternity. Besides, a "call" means he's not coming home. Does he want to talk about the big "D"? Yikes! I could make myself crazy thinking about this.<P>I find that I have really good moments followed by really bad ones. My emotions go up and down (I'm sure I'm not experiencing anything new, huh?), and I can't focus on work or anything. Does that get better? I sure hope so.<P>I read back through this post, and I sound like a raving lunatic! Holy cow, somebody throw me a life line!<P>I better get a grip, more later . . .<P>Love, KristyAnn

Oh Kristy,<P> At some point or another, we *all* have to "whine". Believe me, most have a really good reason (or 5) to do so! As do you! Don't worry about it... Wanna hear something totally wild (you story pales by comparison!)?<P> There was a poster on here (can't remember her name), that actually took out a shotgun and blew holes into the OW's car!! OW was *in* the car, in wife's driveway! <P> Everyone here was floored. But the poster didn't seem concerned at all. We were all worried about her going to jail, and she told us that what she did was no big deal in her area. Kind of scary, huh?<P> So, when you're feeling down and out, remember... someone will undoubtedly do something way worse than your "whining." <P> Peace,<BR>~~Mynabird

Myna, Myna, Mynabird --<P>Thanks for the lift. The shotgun story is quite a shocker all right. Shhhheeeeeezze!! I'll bet the responses on that thread were fast and furious! Makes me curious where she was from that that was "ok"!!<P>I've been spending a lot of time reading through posts. Good and Bad. Brushing up on good Plan A techniques. It seems hard, but I think I will be able to do it quite well. I'm very committed. Of course, the first time I have an LB breakdown, I'll have to come back here and eat my words. (yuck) :P<P>Thanks for the email. I would like to keep in touch as you get busy with life and all. You're great to talk to -- very positive.<P>I have been spending way too much of my time at MB. Lots of good info -- but I have to wean myself a little and get back to my real life. I'll set up an hour a day to check posts and answer a few (instead of 8 or 9 times a day!!) <P>I will be in touch. Till next time, take care.<P>Love and prayers, KristyAnn<P>

Myna,<P>Thank you for your special caring. I means so much to me.<P>Love and prayers, KristyAnn