popeye,<P>Unfortunately, I fear that it is possible to escape yourself for many years, and if you are old enough, until you die.<P>Tim,<P>I think my H already realizes that he is missing out on his kids' growing up - but he doesn't blame himself. Before I found out about the OW, he told our therapist that he was suicidal at the prospect of staying with me for the rest of his life - therefore he apparently felt that he "had" to leave. He told me he "couldn't help his emotions". He tells the kids he "can't" see them anymore often than he does. He acts as if he has no control over his actions; everything that he does is somehow out of his hands. <P>Starry-eyed,<P>I am sure a lot of betrayers, including most who post here, do feel remorse. But I fear that a lot of betrayers are able to ignore their conscience permanently.<P>Jackee,<P>But what if you can kid yourself long enough to have your kids grow up, and for you to get old and die?<P>burnedspouse,<P>I am curious - did your mother ever show any remorse?

Starry-eyed...I am curious. How long did you have the affair. Did you leave???? Looking back, would you describe your behavior as similar to what Nellie and I describe about our H's..<P>They are so different. <P>What worries me are the reasons people have affairs. I truly understand the emotional needs issues and meeting them.<P>I just wonder about the people who seem to self medicate for depression. Not that I think those relationships are that much happier, because the WS is still depressed any time his "high" is not there.<P>My H just is so deep into it. Can't see a thing. It is so different from what kind of person he was. He won't even look at photos of he and the kids. He gets a horrible look on his face. He runs out of the house if you bring up a memory. Yet he is reliving the early years of our relationhip with a dingbat!!!

tootrusting...the A lasted about 7 weeks. I was drawn in fast and realized after about a month that all was not rosey. For about 2 years my life was spiraling downward, my family, my relationship with my H, everything. I has suffered some very tragic events and I ended up very sick for several mos. I felt like no one cared if we ever had a decent life and I was tired of seemingly being the only one trying. When an old high school boyfriend called emailed and then called I was flattered. I asked him why after 25 years would he contact me now. He told me he had found out he had cancer and he had never stopped loving me and wanted to see me.<BR>I had made plans to get away to see my cousin to relieve some stress and I decided why not. I did not bargain for my emotions to be totally fogged by thinking someone needed me after all this time. After a few weeks I realized this man was still very self-absorbed and his wants were totally selfish. I started realizing that I had not seen very clearly. <P>My H found out by cking my emails with a special program. He confronted me and I realized the last thing I wanted was to end my marriage. He had always been there for me and he was a good man. I started putting all my energy into doing what I could to save us.<P>It has been almost 5 mos since he found out and we are in recovery. I left my home and followed him to CA for the summer(his job sent him here) and will be returning home this weekend. He will follow in about a mos.<BR>I believe we have started rebuilding and will have a foundation when he returns home. <P>I must admit I was very self-absorbed when my taker was in full operation. I am grateful that the shock of losing my H cleared my fog fast. No I did not ever leave, I would have only done that if he has asked me to. <P>I hope this helps...I will pray for you and Nellie.

You can run,, but you can't hide. <P>And you can rationalize your behavior and how it has affected other people only for so long. I truly believe that if your H is a decent human being, he knows that in his heart of hearts what is right and what is wrong. He may put on a happy face and act as though his life is good, but I do believe that in the majority of cases, the betrayer has to make peace with himself at some point, and lives to regret his selfish behavior. <P>If he truly is one of those strange, unhappy indivduals with no conscience, and even if he isn't and is just pretending that life is good for him after what he has done - then what can you do? You can't control other people. I came to a point where I decided that those two selfish souls deserved each other, and that I'd let him go, and also never stopped believing that if really was the end, the kids and I were better off without him, would still have a good life, and would find a new person more worthy of my love to share the rest of our life with. <P>I don't know if your situation is a "done deal" or not, but hopefully he is still in the early stages of his "new life" and this is not written in stone. If that is the case, read and post in this site and work on some of the Plan A Plan B ideas. He still may see the light. <P>If everything is signed sealed and delivered, and this is a permanent split, then I don't blame you for being cynical and bitter about his attitude. It may seem trite, but try to focus on giving yourself and your kids the best new start you can. Deal with him as practically and unemotionally as possible. Leave him to deal with his own demons - I know they are there, whether he acknowledges them or not. <BR>My prayers that you heal one way or another as soon as possible. Take care <BR>

Everhopeful,<P>I know my H at least used to have a conscience. He has been gone 18 months now. <P>I know that neither I nor the kids is better off without him. At least when he was home, even during the affair, most of the time he acted as if he cared very much about the kids. There is no way that spending only an hour a week and a day and a half a month with their father is good for the children.

Nellie<P>No my mom never felt remorse for leaving or being involved with another. She felt that my dad had mentally abused her by trying to make her something she was not. She felt she cracked. It was HIS fault and he deserved all she could dish out. <P>My dad never knew a thing until the policeman came to the door to serve him with the papers. Blaming each other, you can imagine how the divorce was for us kids, at a point in time(1972) when there was not support for kids in divorce. They kept the whole thing a secret for years (as to the whys and wherefore's.) Actually mom didn't talk much about D-1 before my SFather did the same to her, that he had done to his previous wife(with my mom). She divorced him too. She got the taste of being the BS. Then she talked about both D's.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Nellie1:<BR><B>Let's say you are depressed because your life has been less successful than you hoped, you are getting old, you can't stand where you live, you can't stand your neighbors, your job is stressful, and you have no clue where you are going to get the money to put your kids through college or to move to somewhere better. You can solve most of those problems in one fell swoop - just find someone with more money and move in with her. <P>You can just hop into an entirely new life, with little responsibility.<P></B>Nellie, all you wrote is true from our perspective. It appears they're getting away with not a care in the world.<P>My husband has shared with me that the woman may be different, but there will always be some kind of problem. He sounded kind of disappointed. He insists he is not having an affair and I have ceased trying to prove he is having an affair.<P>I won't make it easy for him though by giving him a divorce. I am content (after much much pain) not to give him the satisfaction of saying to me, "You're the one who told me to get." Besides, I don't want a divorce yet should he decides he wants one all I will do is grant his wish.<P>I will do my part as a wife as God expects me to do, but I am grateful I no longer feel the torment of anguish.<P>After all the fretting and sweating trying to work out things myself, I have decided to go with being a virtuous woman. My mind is at peace, Nellie.<P>That way, should my husband decide to leave or ask for a divorce, I will be satisfied knowing I gave it my all.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love hurts no one.