<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OOOO,<P>Well, here is my suggestion. You can get the snoring fixed these days. Do it. Do it for yourself not her. Then if this marriage goes belly up your next spouse will not have that to complain about.<P>OOOO, this all sounds like rationalization to me. It also seems to me your W, has some severe problems of her own. No surprise there right? But even having the children sleeping with her doesn't sound real healthy to me.<P>So get the snoring fixed. You can control that. And hang in there for awhile longer. You'll know when it is time to take action on the marriage.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

My H snores terribly. There are a few nights I've gotten up at 1am to sleep elsewhere...but have not & will not abandon sleeping together. I do sleep with foam earplugs (the high DB rated ones). In the past, I have resented his snoring, esp since it took him 1-2 years to get around to seeing a doctor about it after I asked that he do so. Then, the doc said there was nothing structurally wrong...just lose 30 pounds and you'll quit snoring. That was a couple of years ago, and he's gained, not lost, since then. Kinda makes me feel like he doesn't care if I can sleep or not...<P>I think there is/was a lot more your wife was upset about than just snoring...<P>Kathi

Check with your doctor to find out if there is a physical blockage that is making you snore. This problem can be corrected in most cases surgically.

OOOO,<P>I read your post and just can't help but feel sorry for the difficult position you are in. I feel like her lists of complaints are petty and that she told herself those are the reasons she is unhappy in her marriage. Your wife has much deeper issues than your snoring, lack of romance, sleeping with the kids etc. as reasons for why the marriage doesn't work. If the children are sleeping in their own room and your snoring is remedied then she really has no reason not to sleep in the same room as you. How is your Plan A coming despite these discouraging moments?<P>cleo

First for Just Learning - Family beds are common all over the world, so it isn't weird to want to sleep with your children, it actually promotes healthier sleep patterns for infants and may minimize the risk of SIDS. It is mainly here in the US that children sleeping in the same room or same bed with their parents is considered a bit off. <P>Now, that said I can jump off my soapbox and later into the bed that we share with the kids. The thing that is off a bit is that she would exclude you from the process. It may be that you have sleep apnea, and that can be easily diagnosed by a sleep study 8pm to 6am in the hospital or a sleep center, and possible use of a cpap or bipap (continuous positive airway pressure). Sometimes they can remove the uvula (hangy throat thing between the tonsils) and that is outpatient quick recovery stuff. It may be that she needs a hormone check too being this loss of desire happened after childbirth. Those excuses are just that, excuses. It sounds like she has some serious intimacy and communication issues. You have been left out in the cold. One of the best things about marriage is having someone to warm up your feet at night. Don't give up yet, you seem to have hung in there a while, maybe just a bit longer and things will get better.

My wife is the one who snores, and I have missed it ever since she left me and moved out. To be fair I am a little hard of hearing. I think that means we are perfect for each other.

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OffOnOnOff,<P>My H brought our son into our bed when he was about 2. I did not want this at all. My son is a restless sleeper, and I literally had to put my hand in between the matress and boxsprings to hold on and keep myself from being pushed out of the bed at night. He refused to put our son back into his own bed that he had been very happy in, so I started sleeping on the couch. Then my husband bought another bed and put it in son's room and slept in there with him and I moved back into our bed. I became pregnant again, and yes for a while it was more comfortable for me to sleep alone. Then the baby came and it was easier for him to sleep in another room because the baby was up quite a bit. By then I was so resentful of H that I didn't want him in the same bed. Then he had the A. He uses this as one of the main reasons for having it. He can't seem to remember that he was the one who started it. <P>Once he ended the A, and before I found out about it, he would ask me to come lay with him, but within a few minutes send me off to my room. Turns out this was because the OW had started climbing our fence and knocking on his window at night threatening to tell me of the A, so of course he didn't want me there when she came knocking. <P>Well, we're back in the same bed now. I really feel that seperate beds is a big detriment to the marriage. There is a real closeness and bond lost when H and W don't sleep next to each other.

Dear OOOO,<P>I think your wife has some past issues that contribute to her resentment over having to be the one to 'sacrifice'. Both my sisters have their tubes tied but that made them all the more happy not having to worry about more pregnancies. They would be afraid for their Hs to do that in case something happens to the vital organ. Just in case.<P>Maybe your wife had a picture perfect childhood in that she gets everything her way and therefore even in this picture perfect marriage when things go her way, she doesn't grab it with both hands and hang on and appreciate what a lot of women would give an arm and a leg for.<P>I know of some women who have leisure lifestyles and they cruise through life, loved sparingly and take for granted the good life but are always watchful of any nubile women out there. In your case, I think your wife knows you are steadfast and she recognises that it is a good thing. Maybe she is afraid that you will run out of goodwill and so she moves on to someone to start the same treatment with him. I don't really know but I do seem to know that the Betrayed Spouses, whether men or women, have qualities of steadfastness and take great pains to drive home the message that they are the eternally faithful type.<P>In a way, some people are more predisposed to happiness than others. Some grow up earlier and others are too self absorbed. I hope you do not mind me rattling off like that. I do so in the hope that among the fluff, something may catch. If not, it is still fine because you know her more intimately than any opf us.<P>God Bless You<BR>weep

I snore, so does my H. I snore more than he does, or at least, he's a lighter sleeper than I am. Occasionally he'll get up and sleep in the other bedroom, but we always start out together. I'm a better sleeper, so his snoring doesn't bother me, and when it does, I use ear plugs.

To eliminate the snoring problem, my H sprays his throat at night with a product called Snor-enz. You can get it over the counter at the drug store. It really works!

I don't think that the snoring was the major problem..it sounds like some internal issues within herself she needs to deal with..<BR>did her parents sleep in seperate rooms?<BR>Or did she sleep in there room? <BR>All of my kids slept in my bed when they were<BR>small, but that I think was more me than anything..my own fears from my childhood, (actually something I really hadn't thought about till just now)..having been abused..and the fear of someone coming in and hurting my own children..they all sleep in their own beds now..except when they are afraid they feel safe climbing in my bed..so it may be a deeper issue within her that she's not even aware of..I know many women and men who were abused as children and who have blocked the abuse from their minds because it is to frightening to remember..just a thought..

And one more thing..You have NO reason to be<BR>ashamed..

Hi,<P>I snore. I come from a long line of snorers. When the family gets together it sounds like a forest is being sawed down. I use this bandaid type thing over my nose. I wish I could remember the name now. But it works. Now Tony does not have to listen to me. Now if only I could find a cure for Tony and our Cat Sheeks restless dominate the bed sleeping pattern I would be happy. <P>In all honesty try and talk to your wife. She should have spoken up. There are a lot of cures for snorring. And you could have slept with the kids as well. Tony and I let our Cat sleep with us. IT is like having a child in the bed. We live with it.

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OOOO,<P>Just a couple suggestions. <P>1. Forgiveness -<P>Your W needs to forgive you for those old hurts - it would help her to do that if you apologize and ask for her forgiveness - as sincerely as you possibly can. It sounds like she is hanging on to some pretty old stuff that has turned to bitterness in her heart.<P>And, if you feel you were left out in the cold, forget that. Forgive her in your heart and make the first move (or tenth move or hundredth move, whatever) toward building a closer relationship.<P>2. Romance -<P>Ask her for examples of the kind of romantic behavior she craves. Until my H's EA, I didn't think I had it in me to show admiration or affection because "it wasn't my nature." I know now that we CAN change our behavior to meet those needs in our spouses. For me it was awkward at first, but gradually is becoming more natural.<P>And, incidentally, my H chose to sleep elsewhere many many nights for years prior to his EA. Since D-day, now that we are meeting each other's EN's, we always sleep together. (He had lots of excuses - bed too small, I wriggle too much, etc etc - just stupid excuses IMO.) I think the sleeping apart has more to do with EN's and little to do with snoring.<P>Good luck.<BR>periwinkle

OnOff,<P>A controling parent can do much harm to a child..and their own ability to grow up <BR>and mature..have you read the book <BR>"Toxic Parents" it's very good in learning<BR>about the internal damage it does to a childs<BR>growth..I'd offer some info from what it says here but I loaned it out to a friend of mine..who is struggling w/ some internal things right now..she ALWAYS has to be in control..because she had NONE when she<BR>was growing up..maybe by your wife saying you<BR>have to sleep in another room makes her feel as if she has some control in her own life..<BR>something she's never had..maybe she feels as if you are going to be like her father always<BR>telling her what she can and can't do with her life..how she will spend her money..what she will wear and will not wear..<BR>She didn't learn that marriage is a shared<BR>effort..not a means to control another persons life..maybe if she begins to feel she<BR>has a say so in decisions with in the marriage she'll begin to learn that..<P>But right now it sounds as if she is trying to feel that she needs to gain some control <BR>of her own life, and learning to make decisions for herself instead relying on someone else to tell her what she can and can't do..so right now if your telling her<BR>she's wrong and her feelings are wrong..it would be a BIG LB!!! Sounds like she's trying to grow up emotionally and grow her wings of independance she was never given given growing up..learning to make her own choices in life with nobody to answer to but herself..<P>here's an example..<P>You have children..you take them shopping..<BR>you choose the clothes they wear..they are going to wear those clothes no matter what..<BR>because YOU say so..even if they hate those<BR>clothes..because YOU as the parent tell them<BR>they are going to wear them they have to do it..they do not learn to make their own choice, and that it doesn't matter what they thinkg..now if you take your child to the store and allow them to pick out an outfit of their choice..and one that you can agree on..they learn that they have their own opinion..they have a say in what they like and don't like..and their opinion is okay..even if it goes against what you think..they then learn it's okay to think seperate thoughts from you..they grow up<BR>and can trust their own choices in life..and<BR>they will learn that it's okay to disagree<BR>with others and still be loved..

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>