Dear Searching,<P>I am wondering whether the OW is currently married and is also trying to get out of her marriage? Could there be a scheme somewhere? I am sorry to bring this up but I think that you need to do what is best for your baby and yourself at this stage.<P>It is one of the toughest problems I have ever come across and I feel so sorry for your predicament. He is really heartless to do that to you at this very difficult period in your life. Ask yourself what you really want out of this marriage and whether you can 'make him fall in love with you again'. I think you should ask him what it takes for him to 'fall in love with you over again' and to write that down. He wouldn't be able to, I gather, because it is so subjective and the conditions for that 'falling in love again' feelings are almost non existent seeing that he has imposed a one year stayover with you.<P>I really think you both should see a marriage counsellor or church pastor trained in marital counselling apronto. I cannot understand this pact he has made - it sounds very questionable. Please get help and support. Your baby needs you to.<P>Love<BR>weep

Pam0 - H fell out of love with me 3 yrs ago & began an A at the same time I became pregnant but 2 mos went by before I realized I was pregnant - his behaviour has nothing to do with being a father & has everything to do with the old 'I fell out of love with you'<BR>weep - we've been going to marriage counselling since Feb 2000 but now he refuses to go & yes the OW was married with a child - he left her H (he's H #2) shortly after the affair began so she's been alone for 10 mos now - he has always refused to leave me he claims it's because of the baby but I wonder if or hoping that it's more - that he realizes what a mistake it would be to lose me - he emailed me today saying he thinks it would be better if I just let go but then on the other hand this great love that I'm showing him kets him think that he shouldn't let me go<BR>everything he says & does is a contradiction & this in turn confuses<BR>one thing I do know - I'm at the end of my rope & maybe he deserves to lose me & his son

Searching,<P>I really like what Lora said because you take back the control into your hands. However, instead of living with OW for a year, perhaps he should live alone for a year and allow him visitation.<P>He is indecisive because he has both you and OW available to him right now. If he wanted to make an honest decision, he should spend some time by himself without you and without OW in his life. He should go to a counselor and sort out his feelings, evaluate his values/needs/dreams.<P>During this time you must take care of you and be prepared for whatever decision he makes. Honestly from what I have read in your responses, it doesn't appear that you would be able to live under the conditions he is asking of you. If he is going to stay with you and end A with OW, why isn't he willing to work on marriage? Seems like his underlying message is he can leave you now or at the end of 1 year. As mentioned in an earlier post, he probably will get sneakier in trying to see OW. And, I'm afraid you and your son will suffer from all of this. This is unfair to you and your newborn. Think of your son's needs and your needs now.<P>You really should inform your family so that they can provide the support you need at this time. The fact that he is saying not to tell anyone just in case it works out, is a bunch of BS. He already said he's not going to work on the marriage, how does he suppose he'll fall in love with you if he doesn't make an effort? He's talking from both sides of his mouth, more indecisiveness.<P>If you're going to let him stay for a year, at least set some structure. Just existing under the same roof is cruel and tormenting. Making an appt. with one of the Harley's is a really good idea. I hope you can do that! Also, informing your doctor of your situation is a really good idea and if an anti-depressant is in order, do it. There's a fragile and needy young life that needs you more than anything right now, and you have to be the best you can. If you don't like his terms, create one you can live with that will enable you to take care of your son.<BR>Please, please take care of yourself.<P>Prayers and blessings, MT

You know what's sad, that sometimes I think the people on this site care more about me than my own husband does.

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

why don't our prayers get answered?

Dear Searching,<P><BR>I don't know of any anti-depressants that may be good for you while you are nursing your baby. The lady psychiatrist told me all have some side effects that may get into your baby. So you may have to use uplifting music, family warmth, caring support and God to help you through this very tough and undeserved patch.<P>I believe Jesus works miracles. My own situation is a treasure trove of miracle and often when I forget that God cares, I am reminded of the visions of my WS adultery (including the name of the Chinless Banshee). In the vision, it was Banshee who approached him as he related to me when the A was exposed (he didn't know of my vision then). I had many other dreams and messages that were finally linked in another vision. I really thought I was going crazy with the dreams and I started calling up friends and they couldn't really explain except 'maybe word of knowledge'.<P>The first prayer I said, together with WS and my family, was to bless WS to become an examplery father and H and a real man that we can be proud of. I committed WS to GOd and ask God to keep him straight, and if WS were to stray again, that my family will prosper without him. <P>Another miracle (on hindsight) happened with my sibling calling me (before the A was exposed) that my WS will have problems in XXX country because of drinking and that a woman will be wicked with a scheme. She called me and told me that she had told another of our sibling and they prayed about that. <P>God is real - and He said " 'Tis far better to have heard God's voice than to have the love of man". And shorty after I raed a book that has at its essence "It is in a storm that we hear God's voice". <P>Even with such Amazing Grace from God, I wept to Him in anguish as to why he didn't stop the A. Some answers will be revealed in heaven, I beleive. My faith also plunged to its pits as I struggle to first ACCEPT that my H really had an affair, and then to be healed of the emotional trauma. We had a golden marriage as said by my spouse but he was not close to God and was unable to FLEE the scene when drunk and later he thought through his own human efforts he could persuade the Chinless banshee to stop. It knived him in public one day and was incarcerated, thus the A was exposed.<P>Can you really believe that if God is real, why did He allow such things happen to me? God revealed Himself to keep me from going mad and committing suicide. If not for those visions and dreams and messages, I would have taken my life and baby's. The blow was too huge because the marriage was too good. I went to my sister's house so that she can look after my baby and they can keep watch over me.<P>So, God is merciful and He is full of grace and when the burden gets too heavy, bend the knees.<P>God loves you<BR>take care<BR>weep

SFH<P>Please remember God does answer prayers, but He does it in His time, because it is simply so much better than ours.<P>And yes, sometimes our prayers do seemingly do go unanswered, but they really aren't. We're just not praying for what God has planned for us. <P>Garth Brooks has a song called "Unanswered Prayers". It talks about how he had prayed so much for a relationship for a woman to work out, and God didn't answer him. Years later he is married to another woman and goes to a reunion and sees the first woman. And he thanks God for his unanswered prayers.<P>I'm thankful for my unanswered prayers too. April of '99 I prayed my heart out that I wasn't pregnant with baby #4. All I can say is, thank God for unanswered prayers. <P>Just pray that God's will be done, not what you specifically want. He already knows what you want, and more importantly He knows what you need, and He will provide.

Hi Searching,<P>Your posts about what your husband is saying to you are very interesting to me.<P>I think he does have a conscience and is in one helluva battle with it.<P>Seems to me, that he knows what a righteous man would do here, but he doesn't know how. He wants you to kick him out, but you have shown great love to him??? Honestly, this is indeed "affair speak"...he will say and do anything to justify what he knows he is doing.<P>You have gotten some excellent advice here. I agree that you should feel free to go to whatever family members you feel will be able to help you. I did this, and while my husbands family have tried to help and talk to him...it all fell on deaf ears...I have grown closer to his family as a result. It's a fine line, I try not to bash him to his family, but I found out they they love me.<P>I'm beginning to hate the word "fog", but it is really like that I think. Read the posts of betrayers here. They say themselves that they were in a fog. The thing is, they did not come out of it until they were damn well ready to. Yes, they knew their spouses were there, supporting them, but it was their own time-line...not ours.<P>If your husband wanted to be gone, he'd be gone...make no mistake about that. Mine did. He NEEDED to be gone, and he left. Your husband is still home because he wants to be there. He's a fricken mess right now. He's goofed up , big time, but he's there...that little angel sitting on his shoulder is whispering in his ear and he is listening. Unfortunatley, so is that little devil. Who will win...we don't know.<P>Let someone help you out with your precious new baby. Don't try to do this all on your own. None of us are that strong hon. Call in the troops, you'll be surprised how many will show up for you.<P>Man I do go on don't I.<P>allison

weep - i am so sorry to hear about what you went thru - as depressed as i am, i'm far from the suicidal stage - despite everything, I find taking care of my son to be very easy - i'm grateful that he's too young to understand whenever i break down to cry<BR>Pam0 - i will consider talking to someone - it's just a matter of deciding who<BR>az - he may have a conscience but i'm not sure it's directed towards me as much as it is towards her & how he's wronged her<BR>After saying he doesn't want to work on the marriage, he now asked me this am what I want him to do - what steps I need from him to get him to stay - i've been telling him all along what I need but he has always refused to do it- i think now he's pretending because he's afraid of losing his son - it's now my decision as to whether he stays the year or less<BR>And i want nothing more than to have my prayer answered - it's what's best for my son - to provide a happy family home where his parents love one another

When all else fails how about the slightly sneaky approach? You could try counseling with the Harleys and get your H to call for a session of his own to help you to get through this? It might get him talking to someone and would give you some support as well. Then the Harleys can get in some education about affairs and recovery.<BR>Lora

Lora - we've been going to counselling since Feb & now he absolutely refuses to go - he said it never did anything for us - of course it didn't - he continually lied thru the sessions - wouldn't admit to the affair even though I kept saying all along that I knew about it & then lied & said he had ended it with OW - over & over & over again<BR>His parents (who are devout Christians) have talked to him many times but he just doesn't want to hear it - he wants to be left alone & complains about the pressure<BR>I had him read a very good posting last night from SKM - I thought it would help him to read about other WS that he could relate to, to understand that he's not alone in this & just because he doesn't have those 'in-love' feelings right now, that our fate is definitely decided - I thought he could see how other WS moved back & forth on an emotional level, & that this undecisiveness doesn't spell the end - I thought, I thought, I thought, bottom line is I thought wrong - he won't read this site, I've asked that he try posting himself to speak to other WS but he'll have none of that<BR>he doesn't want the pressure (of course OW never pressured him or told him what to do!) he will always compare me to her & right now she represents happiness & I don't<BR>He said he'll come into everything on his own without pressure from me - and he is right that he has to figure things out on his own - but unfortunately I'm getting tired of waiting & think by the time he realizes that it's not worth losing his family, that I won't be around to help him pick up the pieces

I'm sorry searching,<P>It seems they are not trainable till they are ready. I hope you keep going to counseling for you. You need lots of support right now. Seems like sometimes all we can do is let them figure it out, and if it is too late by then, its everyones loss.<P>Please take care of you and your baby. I will be praying for you.<BR>Lora

Lora- I've decided to return to the counselling sessions on my own since H refused to go. He announced this am that he will return to the marriage counselling - that he didn't want to before because he felt humiliated - thru 9 mos of counselling, he had lied all the way thru & now when we return, he'll have to confess the truth to the doc - he says he's embarrassed by the whole thing<BR>I told him he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to but he insists that he does - but is this another lie? I'm reminded of the fact that I told him over the past few months that if he's wasn't honest with me & had no intention of working on the marriage to just let me go, that I deserved to get on with my life. But he didn't let go & lied about ending it with OW & didn't work on marriage. He claims that I refused to let him go??? Why do WS remember things incorrectly? Because it suits them?<BR>we'll see what happens but you are right about one thing - if he comes to his senses too late, then everyone loses especially our newborn child.<BR>Thanks to all

Well, searching, What about using the Harleys or a different counseler? Your H can start with a clean slate and maybe feel a little better about going. I think phone counseling might be a little easier for them to handle too. I would just try and get him there while it seems he has a little interest.<P>Hugs, Lora

Good idea. I'll ask him if he feels more comfortable with a new counsellor.