Hi everyone, this is my first posting...little afraid I will be facing a lynch mob. <p>[This message has been edited by dumone (edited November 02, 2000).]

Do you have an email address that you would be willing to post here...I would like to contact you and share some things with you that you need to hear. I've been...where you are...and you don't want to go any further.<BR>Believe me...

<P>[This message has been edited by dumone (edited October 20, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by dumone (edited November 01, 2000).]

I can relate to that feeling of totally consumed by love for your lover or in your case your ex.<BR>It is rough, it is tough. Read my post below about "trouble at work"<BR>I am going through the same thing now, except I have not had contact since Thursday on the telephone. I go back to work Monday and I dread it because of these feelings.<BR>I wish I could help you but the only thing I know is to stay here and keep posting for encouragement.<BR>May God help us.

That is pretty much where I am, one day at a time...I pray alot. I dont know how long my wife will let this go on...her not feeling loved. God knows I am trying.

dumone,<P>I'm getting ready to bare my soul here and tell a few things about myself that I have not shared with anyone here. I'm only doing this because I believe that you are at a point where things will be much easier for you to end then later down the road. <P>Remember, that she is your EX for a reason. At the time you two broke it off, no matter which one it was, there was a good reason. You found the person that you love and respect and wanted to make a family with. Remember that always when you are weighing things out in your mind. <P>My H and I got married young. I was pregnant. We were both in college etc... We did not have the skills to have a good marriage. We coexisted for years. That doesn't mean we didn't love eachother. It means that we didn't know how to function as a married couple should. In my lonliness, I contacted my ex boyfriend. I talked to him many times about my life. I met with him once or twice. I romanticized my feelings about what a great guy he was and how understanding, how well he knew me. Thank God there was no physical relationship because the fall out when my H realized what was going on was unbelievably painful. It tooks years to semi-recover from that. I didnt contact him once my H found out. Several years later, being at a similar junction in our marriage, I again called the ex boyfriend. I talked with him many times and wondered how it would be like to be with this person. I won't deny that. What I did know was that I really wanted it to work with my H. That is who I really loved and wanted to be with. That voice in the back of my head telling me everytime I called the ex that it was wrong is what I should have been listening to. I saw him once this time to tell him that there wouldnt be anymore contact between us and that I needed to be sharing with my H and not him. He agreed. My H found out several days later about everything and it was very hard to keep him from leaving. <P>Let me tell you, I knew all along that the ex and I were not together for good reasons that had been established years ago. I didn't want to leave my marriage. I needed that emotional closeness and someone to talk things out with, just as you do. I should have made that effort with my H and nobody else. If I had been on my best behavior in my marriage, things would have been much better. I am warning you that if you don't completely cut off all contact you will live to regret it. Nothing you can say can justify what you or I did. You might think about her for a while. I'll admit that I did. It does go away. Thankfully for you, she lives halfway across the country. Do it for yourself. Give your marriage your all and in the end if it doesn't work out you can be with whomever you want. Dont add another person into your marriage it doesn't work. <P>On the other side of the coin, my H had a PA with someone. As a BS I can tell you that there is NOTHING like the feelings of betrayal that come from that. I imagine he felt very betrayed by what I did also. These are very hard obstacles to get over. It requires a great amount of work on both spouses parts to recover from these things. Don't let your situation go any furhter than what it has. Cut off contact immediatly with a no contact letter which can be found in the "Surviving an Affair" book. Start working Dr. Harley's principles and see how things can improve in your own marriage. You owe this much to your wife. Keep coming back here for support and maybbe your wife would like to look around here also. This board is a great source of help to many people. take care<P>cleo

dumone,<P>Go get a copy of His Needs Her Needs by Harley. Read it! You will find that many of your needs are not shallow and are not uncommon. You will also find that you have failed over the years to meet many of W's needs. If you start to do these things your marriage can be restored and made better than ever before.<P>Meanwhile go to the "Just Found Out" portion of this site. Find NSR's general welcome. Within that welcome there are many bookmarks to articles and notable postings. Please read the articles and perhaps some of the postings.<P>You are right this is pretty typical. You are also right that the odds of it working out are slim. But what you may not fully comprehend yet, is that you can make your marriage better than it was. By doing that you will find letting go of this fantasy will become easier.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Cleo and JL, Thank you SOOOO much. This site is great. This is by far the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life...I am 39 and I see just how little I know about life. JL, I will get a copy and read it, and your right I am sure I have neglected my part. Cleo, thanks again<p>[This message has been edited by dumone (edited November 02, 2000).]

Dumone:<P>I agree with basically all the above advice, and can only add my personal experience. I, too, experienced what began as an on-line friendship. Not with an old girlfriend, but with a younger woman that I met in a chat room. The anonymity of on-line, e-mail communication fostered an almost immediate intimacy that I'm sure many here are familiar with; you reveal parts of yourself that you never would otherwise, safe in the knowledge that the other person is tucked away behind the computer screen. You can cut off or control contact when you want, you'll never meet them walking down the street or at a party, etc.<P>My online "friendship" developed, over the course of two years, into what I now realize was an emotional affair that, one horrible night when my wife was out of town, became a physical affair. Immediately after that night, I told my wife and broke off all contact with the woman. <P>That was four months ago. My wife and I are still miserable and heartbroken on pretty much a daily basis. We both hope that we can recover from this, and maybe we will, but our marriage, quite simply, will never be the same. Something irretrievable has been lost, and will never be regained, no matter how well we live from here on. That's killing me right now.<P>You haven't reached this point yet, but you're teetering on the brink. Remember that a stumble isn't a fall; you kissed the woman, and you have a bit of an emotional affair going on. Those are bad, but not yet irretrievable. <P>I could read between the lines in your posts that even though you know what you're doing is wrong, you still don't quite accept that your relationship with your ex is based on a fantasy. You talk about how she seems to "know" you and have a lot of insight into you. This is all complicated by the fact that you two have a history together, so you know that you were more or less compatible once.<P>It's perfectly normal, not good, but normal, for someone who's not having certain needs met within his primary relationship to seek ones outside the marriage to fulfill them. But hear me clearly. What's going on with your ex is not a full, healthy, normal relationship. It's secret, and the very secrecy lends it an intensity that it would never have once the secrecy is over. It's based on e-mail (and occasional phone) with someone far away, which allows you to be far more open than you would be if the person were right there with you. It's based mostly on a sense of your romantic past, which is all tangled up with your youth, which at your age (42, you said?) is incredibly attractive right now. It's not "real," not in any acceptable sense of the term. Understand that, dumone, I'm serious.<P>Basically, I agree with what everyone's said, and I'll only say to you what I now sorely wish someone had said to me before it was too late and my life changed. Stop talking to her and start talking to your wife. Like every day. About everything you've been feeling, all the frustrations, and hurt, and bitterness. And all the happiness and love, too. I'm not guaranteeing that things will work out with your wife. Maybe you two have drifted too far apart to reconcile. But if there's ANY chance of keeping things together, and that's what you want, STOP NOW!!<P>Take care and godspeed.

Dumone,<P>Your exGF reads you well. Right?? Is that because when you communicate with her, she is focussed on you and you on her? Of course it is. Your W can do the same. In fact she probably knows you better than you realize.<P>What is missing is the focussed communications with your W. If you start to focus on her; What she says, what she feels, what she wants out of life, I'll bet you will start to feel yourself reattach to her.<P>Your exGF is meeting your needs for communications. You W can do it as well or even better. Get that book read it and evaluate your situation. I'll bet the you can turn both yourself around and your marriage around rather quickly once you see the situation for what it is.<P>Listen to Taxman, you are hearing from your future. Not many people get the opportunity to see their future.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Taxman & JL...Thanks. All that you guys have told me is true and have seen it and realized it thru out the past year at times and NOW. It all makes sense...doesnt make it easier, fighting feelings of the heart is tough. Taxman, your words of experience hit home. I hope your marriage works out...I dont want to loose my wife. As green as the grass seems with the OW I know that it is not. I know all these things and yet I am having a real hard time cutting it off. I must tell ALL of you that wrote me how much I appreciate your advice/experiences. It really is helping me "see" things and realize things differently. For the first time in over a year I am optimistic for myself, my wife, and family. Thank you all so much. I also want to thank God for getting me to this site.<p>[This message has been edited by dumone (edited November 02, 2000).]

Dumone,<P>My best friend told me once that 'the grass is greener where it is watered'....and I have always thought that it was an amazing way to see all of this. <P>I know when I am in 'charge' of taking care of the plants and grass around the house... I remember quickly what 'hard' work it is to lug that hose around, but no one will argue that watered grass isn't beautiful.<P>Just wanted you to know there are a lot of people here in a great deal of pain- myself included - you are not alone in your struggle, so be encouraged.<P>From what I know of this place, you will recieve good advice and a lot of insight.<P>take care,<P>Dawnn<P><p>[This message has been edited by Dawnn (edited October 20, 2000).]

Thank you all again, I hope...NO, I will come thru this, and I hope I will be able to help someone else as much as all of you have helped me. Have a great weekend...see ya Monday.

This is actually for Lighthouse. I think you should share with all of us, as I'm sure we could all learn from it. <P>My H has been gone for 5 mos. now and with very little contact. Many of you know how lonely it can be and how much we want and need to be loved. Well, my old high school boyfriend learned of our situation and contacted me and didn't just hint, but came right out and said that if things don't work out with H and me, that he would want to try again. He is not married. It felt so good to be wanted, but I know that I do not want to pursue that line. But, I know how easily it could turn into a fantasy and illusion. <P>Lighthouse please share.<P>Dumone--<BR>Hang in there! Really the first step is to have NO CONTACT whatsoever. And you will need a plan to do that. <P>1. Tell her that you are working on your marriage and that to be successful there can be no contact between you. <BR>2. You can and should block her email so that you do not hear from her again. <BR>3. If she has phone numbers to contact you, change them. <BR>4. If you can't do the above things, have your wife do it. This will probably show good faith as well.<BR>4. Continue with marriage counseling.<BR>5. Everytime you think of OG (old girlfriend), call your wife. Just say hi, thinking of you, I love you. She'll like this. Fake it till you make it. THOSE LOVING FEELINGS WILL COME BACK FOR YOUR WIFE.<BR>6. Let your wife fill your ENs, not your OG.<P>Everyone else, has great advice, too. Take care, MT<BR>

Many Tears....<P>I guess that could be a more suitable name for myself. And that is the result...of being in a similar situation as 'dumone' finds himself in.<P>I can honestly say, I have never encountered a more powerful and addictive force of emotion like that of 'falling deeply in love' with someone who you meet and 'connect' with. <P>Problem is...we know when we step over those lines...and once you do...it is very, very hard to stop. The feelings and sense of worth and excitement is overwhelming. But sooner or later...you got to face the consequences of your actions.<P>I've seen where it is like, in some ways, the thrill you get when going on a shopping spree...with a credit card. It is easy to shop...and make those purchases...and just say "charge it"! The worlds version of 'buy now...pay later'. You can become so addicted to the thrill of spending...but sooner or later...the bill comes in and has to be paid.<BR> And as we all know...when it gets out of hand and that bill comes in...we 'gasp' and think: "What in h**l have I done???? We know the bill is to big to pay...seems almost impossible...so then, we are overcome with despair. And who likes being discouraged and depressed, so we find something to do to offset the pain...like going back out and 'shopping' again with the credit card. And the bill just gets bigger and bigger and ....<P>I think you get the idea. Dumone...the longer you 'spend' time with this friend, regardless of how wonderful it seems and feels, somewhere down the road...you will have to pay. And filing 'bankruptcy' won't do it for you in this case.<P>I can assure you...I know what I am talking about. The longer you feed that flame of desire, the more difficult it will be to break free of it. And if/when you ever do, you may never be the same again. <P>

Dumone,<P>You could be me. I am 42. Marriage was empty (worse than empty), and an ex-boyfriend's name showed up in my email inbox one day. Before I realized what was happening, I was head over heels in love, not having seen him for almost 20 years.<P>It was more dangerous than the shopping spree with the credit card -- it was as if I was already wearing the clothes and didn't realize it, and _then_ had to pay back.<P>Neither one of us could figure out why we broke up back then -- we kind of drifted apart, I went on a study abroad program. Basically, we were too young to be serious.<P>As painful as it is, stopping contact is pretty much the only way to stop nursing the passion along. My grief has been intense. I decided to stay in my marriage because of my kids, basically. My H and I are getting along, but it's pretty much as housemates who like each other. I'm hoping that when I get done grieving, I'll be able to love again.<P>Hang in there.<P>Cottonwood

Cottonwood, how long has it been since you had contact? and how long were you in contact before you broke it off?

deleted<P>[This message has been edited by dumone (edited October 25, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by dumone (edited October 25, 2000).]

Dumone...<P>I am in the process of no contact. Have failed repeatedly...to the point it began to break us both down emotionally. <P>We are again trying. This time...we have to make it. The only thing that keeps me from contacting her...is everytime I want to call or write, I think about the last time we talked...and how she wept with pain...and her tears cried out to me...saying "inspite of my love for you...I want to be free again....to love my husband and love God."<P>Those tears...alone...are what is keeping me in check. It is very difficult to do. But I think I can make it this time. <P>I Hope...<BR>

Dear Dumone,<P>You have already gotten great advice and JL said it aptly - ...you are hearing from your future. Not many people get to see their future.<P>My WS did manage to get out of all sorts of situations that would be very easy to have sex with some women. We often discussed at length the sort of circumstances from co-worker to nightclub types, etc.. But we didn't see "a scheming coworker getting him drunk through collusion with her 'business friends' and he being brought up to his room and she getting into bed..." If only someone has told us of such a possibility, I believe that our lives wouldn't have been thus ruined.<P>I can say that you are in a situation where you can stop the clock whereas most of us are in situations where the horrid past can never be erased. Please read and reflect on Proverbs 4-6. Taj and a pastor gave us these verses which traces the paths of adultery and its destruction. <P>You have humbly and wisely acknowledged your struggle with this area and I hope you can commit this area to God and ask that His will be done in your life and your wife's. You can also ask for hedges of protection to surround you and your marriage so that no lover can get to you and vice versa.<P>Our time on earth is only a wink compared to eternity, so I would hope that you win the fight to do right by your conscious and values. My WS's life, according to him, is finito and he has shamed himself beyond belief and is all broken and struggling because life is never never the same again after adultery.<P>God bless and help you<BR>weep