Peppermint,<BR>About what we don't know? Yeah, we have to get past it, or get a polygraph...hmmm...now that's an idea...<P>...or a cattle prod...<P>During my H's residual phone contact, I didn't get the idea he was still having the affair, and he really seemed to be remorseful and committed, but there was something there...I could feel it. I thought he had had sex...or something he was ashamed of sexually...and that he was lying...in part to protect me. I set about to make it so very safe for him to tell me by telling him in advance how I would react and why it was important to know. He kept assuring me there was no sex...and he seemed sincere...in fact is was the only part of his story that remained consistant and didn't seem to have a hole. This started a brain fry. I knew there was something there, but I couldn't figure out what......until I found the flippin' phone card 8 weeks later. Then it all made sense. The "thing" was his contact. I honestly don't think that contact was about holding on to the affair. I still don't have a answer.<P>But the point is I couldn't move on with that "thing" there. Even today, almost two years later, it would be much easier to put the final nails in the coffin if my H would just come clean about everything. I don't mean about how many times they kissed or worse. I mean about how it really happened, what he was thinking, why he ended it, what hold she had on him and what he thinks now.<P>I tried to do that 1/1/2000 and even then I had the feeling he was holding back, but that he truly no longer remembered everything. I do believe it is extremely painful for him to revisit, but if I could just peel back his scalp and probe for answers to these dangling nagging little questions, it would be so healing...even if some of the answers were painful.<P>I don't think most betrayers understand how they block true healing and intimacy by not coming clean.<P>Cindy, I admire your H for being so honest, sometimes brutally, in this regard.<P>Cindy, I'm not sure you can let go of the pain. I think it is really healthy to allow yourself to totally grieve your losses. The fine line to watch for is bitterness, as opposed to healthy anger, and wallowing as opposed to moving through it. I can't remember, did you go through the Choosing to Forgive Workbook last year?<P>Dumone, maybe your wife has forgiven you, but I would bet anything she feels that "thing" she just can't put her finger on, but she knows all is not quite right in the honesty department.<P>Gotta go...