<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OOOO -<P>Okay, OOOO, you asked for it. . .here I am ready to comment. First of all, take any comments your wife may make about causing herself (or her kids) harm very seriously. I don't know if everyone here knows or not, but while in "recovery" from the affair, I actually tried to end my life. Thank God I wasn't very good at it - taking a boatload of over-the-counter allergy pills with a glass of vodka only gives you a severe hang-over and I lost my sense of smell for like 2 months. At the time, it wasn't funny, but now I can look back on it and see how really desparate I was - and how stupid I was, too.<P>Life is a gift. We can chose to rejoice in everyday that God gives us - or we can wallow in self-pity. Even though I was committed to trying to make things work out with my H - I still felt like we were on opposite poles. Here's this great guy who never did anything wrong in his life, and then there's me - the little adulterer. I honestly felt like after the A I was living on this sub-human level. I had tarnished my marriage, but more importantly I had tarnished my soul - every essence of my being. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt and worthlessness - that really became unbearble.<P>I thought that I would have to spend the rest of my life "making it up to my H," while wearing this huge scarlet letter on my chest. I felt miserable, I felt despair. I was really a mess - not only about the A, but about who I had become. When you're younger, you think about what kind of person you'll be when you grow up, what you'll be doing, who you will marry. Well, at the time shortly after the affair - I really didn't like the person that I had become, and I really had lost all hope of becoming a better person.<P>I felt like I had one shot in life, and I blew it. I felt lower than Brad Johnson did last night when he threw that interception right before the half-time of the Redskins/Titan game. I felt like - hey, I'm on the move, things aren't perfect, but there not going so bad. We've got another shot to score before the half - them BAM - interception returned for a touchdown for the other team in less than 30 seconds. <P>The pivotal shot last night, was when they showed Brad - giving up and sinking his head into his hands and put his helmet in the dirt. At that one moment, he did not see that there was a whole other half to play. He didn't even see that there were other games in the season. All he was focused on was that one little mistake - lobbing a ball up, never thinking it would mean a touchdown for the other team.<P>Well, that's how I felt for months - fcousing only on that one mistake, never realizing that there were other days when I played well, that there would be other games in the season to play. . .my only thoughts were how horrible of a person I was right then.<P>So, maybe your wife is feeling a little bit of that regret. In my opinion, I think she resents you telling her parents about the affair - because in a way, and I know it sounds strange to you - but in her mind she thinks you violated your marriage jsut as much as she had violated it. Yea, that's a little warped, but in a way, she didn't like being "outed" - particularly to her parents. To her, it probably feels like you violated her trust - that you just couldn't keep it between you two and try to work things out.<P>I don't know the background on how/why you told her parents, but if you feel bad about it now, maybe you could apologize to her for "violating" her trust? I know it sounds strange, but I think she really resents the fact that you told her parents and that is why, maybe, she is finding it diificult to trust you - or to trust that your heart is in this rebuilding thing.<P>You talked about a love letter - about writing her a love letter. I think she probably knows that you love her - she said that there would probably be no other man that loves her as much as you do, but maybe what she needs to hear is that hey, maybe it wasn't the best decision to tell her parents, that you can make mistakes to, ask for forgiveness, if you truly feel sorry for telling her parents.<P>In some way, she maybe using that as an excuse NOT to try and work things out. And some people (myself included) can really hold a grudge - I know it's not right, but I don sometimes hold a grudge. Maybe by telling her you are truly sorry that you caused her more pain by telling her parents about the affair - or by telling her that you only did it out of love for her, maybe that might help ease her resentment.<P>I think she is using it as an excuse - not to try - for whatever reason, whether it be her own guilt or not. Don't allow her to have an excuse, or a reason to harbor resentment - tell her you're sorry, and ask her what you can do to keep something like that from happening in the future.<P>For me, some of the toughest parts of recovery came when I had doubts, not about my H's love for me, but doubts about my ability to trust myself - to admit that I was wrong and take responsibility for my actions. In a way, I think your wife maybe holding on to that resentment because it's the "one thing she has on you." In a weird way, maybe it makes her feel better that you "screwed up" too. Yeah, it's not quite as bad as her mistake, but to her it's just as bad.<P>I don't know if this helped or not. You know that I will continue to pray for you. Maybe the love letter should just say something like I am always here for you - if you need me, I'll give you the space that you need not because I have to, but because I love you. Say it from the heart, but if she does have resentment over the confidentiality thing, you may want to think that over some - might want to see if maybe you should ask for her forgiveness. And, maybe you have already done that. . .but she clings to it because of the way she feels about herself.<P>She really does need to get through this herself. She needs to forgive you, just as much as you needed to forgive her. For me, a lot of my strength finally came from having faith in God that everything WILL work out, that I was forgiven. It's never too late to change - or for a person to do the right thing. . .so don't lose hope. Hang in there. Your wife really does need you to be the strong one.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OffOnOnOff:<BR><B>Cottonwood, are you mad at me about telling you to forgive your H or 40+ is not an issue? OOOO</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Goodness no! I've been really busy and just haven't been around for a few days. I think you're right that I'm not open to it; I just can't seem to get there. I'm not mad at my H as my far as I can tell. If forgiving really means no longer carrying around the hurt or even the memory of what the person did, I think I've forgiven already.<P>I also don't think it's that I'm comparing new love with old love. Although what I had with OM was certainly new, it was also different from any other new love earlier. It was different from the early days of my relationship with H. It's been about 5 weeks of no contact, and I don't really think about OM now, but I'm still sad about having given up the possibility of being in a relationship that felt that good. I feel like I've given up that possibility for ever. [I think that's the right posture -- I'd like to create that with H, but I don't think I can expect it.]<P>What I meant about being 40+ is that maybe this new love with OM was different because I'm old enough (mature enough?) to relate on a mature level.<P>So no. Not mad. Just not reading the list as diligently. Thanks for asking. I am still rooting for you.<P>Cottonwood<BR>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OffOnOnOff:<BR><B> Do you really know why you re not open up to it yet? This could be the key to my wife as well. <BR>OOOO</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OffOnOnOff,<P>I just don't know. I'm definitely grieving, and maybe that makes it impossible to be attracted to H. Maybe it's because I was never physically attracted to him in the first place. I don't know if that's even true. He has a lot of great qualities, some of which were extremely attractive to me, which in that early part of a relationship would completely override not actually being physically attracted. Or maybe there was some attraction then (not like with OM) because of the emotional connection. Now, there's no emotional connection, so no physical attraction either.<P>I was never able to be vulnerable to H. He was arrogant and seemed to take too much credit when he helped other people, so there was no way I was going to let him help me and take credit for my accomplishments. I don't know if I will ever be able to open enough to be emotionally vulnerable. Without that, I don't think the relationship can ever be truly satisfying.<P>I am trying. I _have_ decided to stay; I'm just not sure what that means to my happiness in the long run. I'm not seeing just the negative. There's a lot good about my H. But although OM and I both realized we were in the "honeymoon stage," the potential for long-term contentment seemed strong because the initial connection was more complete than any of either of our earlier relationships. (And we both dated plenty before marrying, so there was some basis for comparing relationship feelings.)<P>I don't imagine that helps much. <P>Cottonwood<P>