Enlightened:<P>Thank you for starting this thread. It's the lies I struggle with lately. I knew my H told little lies before we were married so I shouldn't be so shocked, but I just can't fathom how he can live with himself KNOWING he's lying and deceiving me and others.<P>My H even lies to other women he befriends. Whenever I find out about a woman and I contact them, I always (always) hear "he lied to me, too". So I guess it's comforting that it's not just me!<P>I wonder what goes through his head when he's in the midst of a lie. I wonder if it pains him. He seems so damn comfortable in his lies.<P>I'm reading a book "The Pilot's Wife" by Anita Shreve and it's all about a woman finding out after her H dies that he has a whole other life - a whole other family (wife, 2 kids, beautiful house). <P>How do you know if you ever REALLY know another person. I wonder just how much more there is to my H.<P>My H will bold face lie to me and I have to dig and dig until I find the truth. I have to have physical proof of something before he'll confess and even then he'll lie at first then slowly it'll come out.<P>I've worked very hard at creating an atmosphere where he can approach me. I've forgiven him over and over again (until this last bit that came about).<P>I just don't understand the lying. Sure I've told some little lies, but the guilty conscious is something I absolutely hate feeling so I tell the truth.<P>I don't know if I can stay in this marriage because I will probably never believe in him - and that is so sad!!<P>I was happy when I didn't know all the lies and sometimes I wish I wasn't such a detective and should have let things go, but I think it's best I do know.<P>Thanks for an awesome thread!!<P>Karen

Good question! My H was the most honest person I had ever met. That was one of the things that attracted me to him. Sometimes to a fault, but you could always count on him. Once I was asked who I most admired at a job interview and I told them my H. (Little did I know that as I spoke those words he was becoming involved with his secretary.) <P>He was honest, dependable, a man of his word...he used to say a man of honor. The lies started once he got involved with OW and they have continued. But the sad thing is that now I think he is trying to justify the lies, at least to himself. He has become the very man he used to despise and it is a hard thing to see.

I'm way to analytical, BUT for me, I initially put the affair-related lies into one category and said, well, lies go w/affairs (the late nights, the money, etc.) Almost like a necessary evil to conduct the affair. That way, the lying becomes almost secondary to the the bigger issues.<P>But, I have since recognized that my H is just dishonest. Can't just roll these other lies up into the "it came w/the affair" category. His lack of integrity transcends the affairs.<P>God Bless,<BR>Enlightened<P>