lighthouse,<BR>My H is the only man I have ever made love to and I WAS his only woman until OW. The other two "young men', many years ago, I tried to make it with couldn't get it up. (how gross) to say this or admit it... Don't know why, they just couldn't. So, I believe this is one of the factors that make this so difficult to deal with, I was his only and he was my only. I think we both prided ourselves with this unusual virtue.<P>Now, he knows what it's like to be with someone else and do the things with her WE TAUGHT each other to do to feel good... Damn it that HURTS me!!! He tries to tell me sex was not that important to him with her... she was the nympho type and drove him crazy for sex... He said the only thing about her was she was DIFFERENT! Still doesn't make me feel better.<P>I agree with resilient, if the Harley's do have some lurkers and responders that's a good thing for us, it's kind of like getting free counseling... and resilient, you are not insignificant at all, you could possibly be a little insecure, but Hey, who isn't? especially with this day to day emotional beating you take!!! Don't ever consider yourself insignificant...You are extrememly significant to all of us, what would we do without you here to give us the wisdom and expert advice that you have learned first hand... we need you, and don't you forget it. When you are sane and living the wonderful life you deserve and no longer need this site, please don't abandon us!!!<P><BR>Cathy<BR>

As for loving your affairee forever:<P>Maybe for a rare few, maybe. If you are crazy, that is.<P>I think back to all the people I ever dated, (legally or illegally) and realize that I, too, was a diffent person then. I was always younger, less wise, more naive--and so were they. I can't think of any one of them that I would want to be with now, no matter how nice they were or how good of a prospective mate they would have made. They have their own lives now, too, and are different people.<P>I can look back on a few that I cried over and laugh my head off--what was I thinking?!! One that I can think of, he was sweet, charming and handsome, I ditched him because he wasn't challenging enough--I still see him around town with the pretty girl he married and I think "Darn." But that's about it.<P>Didn't your mom ever tell you about the other fish in the sea? It's a vast sea out there, lot o fish in it. There are plenty of nice people out there who would make a lovely mate for you, and you would make a lovely mate for him, and once you choose him, together you work and grow and love. Together is the key word.<P>The idea of "soulmates" is crazy to me now. I hate THIS word.<P>The whole idea of marriage is finding a person to love, honoring your vows to love him, and to grow with him for life. VOWS--that's another key word.<P>To me, there does not exsist a burning ember of "flaming romance" out there--that just happens in cheap paperback novels.<P>Not that I am an anti-romantic; I would now love to have someone to pamper and cuddle with, to wait on and treat with adoration.<P>Ah, yes, fish in the sea--but presently I am washed up on shore and kind of afraid of sharks at the moment.

Catplay,<P>One thing:<P>There is a phenomenon (sp?) out there regarding people (men, especially) who are virgins when they marry having affairs. I think it was another poster, gosh, what was his name?, who told me about it. My stbx was a virgin when we married, and I think he was always wondering what it would be like to be with another woman. Sounds like it may be the case with your H too!?<P>Certainly doesn't make it hurt less, I know. And it almost makes me want to caution anyone from marrying a virgin. Now THAT is pathetic!!<P>Just a thought.