I don't know how long this is going to be. If you know me at all, you know I can be long-winded.<P>I admire you all for the lenghts you are willing to go to to restore your marriages.<P>I can't do it anymore<P>After a two year affair...and several instances of dating around, I learned tonight that my husband is involved with the woman I feared the most all along. The one he went to when his affair ended for comfort. The co-worker that he told it all to. He feels this may become the relationship he has been looking for all along. It's a very soul-matish sort of thing, more so than the affair. They've worked together for 20 years, she following him to whatever place of business he went to. She was never very nice to me...I always wondered why. Everyone else at my husbands job liked me a lot.<P>You guys, I've gotta hand it to you. I'm out of fight. It's really been almost three years since my husband began the original affair. Three years. Astounding...how long he has been "gone" from me in the true sense and I didn't know...didn't want to see.<P>I told him tonight to divorce me. No, I won't do it myself...I will not give him the satisfaction to tell one single person that I divorced him. My kids still know nothing about other women (plural). I fear telling them now as I think my motive would be wrong.<P>You know, I went out dancing last night. I was not by any means the "bell of the ball", and the bar scene is not me...but I want you to know my friends that there are good men out there. Men that have been hurt and want to be loved by good, true women. No, I'm not out looking...I know it's way too soon for that, but I want to know...need to know...that there are good people left out there.<P>I will never look at life the same way, with open trusting eyes. I am a grown up now, not a woman who was being protected by the man that was killing her inside. I am scared...terrified to raise these kids alone. The future that I always imagined has been ripped out from under me. I will be older, wiser, poorer (that's for sure ) and single. I have been dumped by my husband of twenty years. <P>But, I'll be able to hold up my head and know that I did my best. This man will never be able to be faithful to me. I would not believe him if he ever did make the big turn around I hear about on these boards. I see too many posts from wives whose husbands have stayed for two, three years and then start up their cheating again...I'm not strong enough to go through it again...never.<P>Thank you for listening if you got through this. I'm not crying, not in shock...it's funny now, I don't get too shocked anymore. It's more like I get my suspicions validated, every time. I FEEL in my gut what is going on...and I've been right...almost scary isn't it...how we know.<P>I'll be right, not married which is what we fight so hard for here...to stay married. <P>I'll be following you all, and posting. I wish for every one of you that you get what you want. YOu are brave souls. I've run out of bravery. I just want to not hurt.<P>Love you all...allison

Hey Allison,<P>I'm sorry that things have ended up this way for you, or that you had to suffer any of this. Until I read this post I had not realized how long and involved the infidelity was in your marriage. You have truly faced something more horrible than I can imagine. My husband seems to have made the turnaround you mention, but I don't know how many years it would take to convince me of that.<P>You HAVE NOT run out of bravery, but you have been abandoned by your closest ally. You said that you can't do it anymore, what you mean is that you can't do it alone anymore. Everyone here cares about you, and I'm sure you have friends and family that do too. But you can't save your marriage without your husband's help. You and he are the only people on earth that can do it, and he won't. I truly wish I could make it different for you, because I would.<P>Please know that I pray for you each night along with everyone else here. I'll keep doing that. I only wish I could do more to help us all.<P>Peppermint

Allison<P>A truly sad story and I feel for you. Three years is a long time to try and recover and fight on. I admire your courage and stamina. I have been battling for 12 months since D and don't know how much more I can take.<P>It sounds as though you have done all you can and as you say at least have the satisfaction of knowing you did your best.<P>A big warm hug from me in your time of need.

{{{{{{{{{{Allison}}}}}}}}}}<P>Hi Allison,<P>Hadn't talked to you in awhile, but have wondered how you were doing. <P>I'm so sorry it worked out like this. I was always amazed at how hard you fought and for so long too. You have been so strong.<P>You haven't run out of bravery, you are letting go of something that cannot be saved by you alone. It takes 2 to make a marriage, but only 1 to end it.<P>I still believe this is happening for a reason, but God hasn't shown me why yet. Maybe there is someone very special out there waiting for us. I sure hope so... <P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Oh Allison<P>I'm so sorry. I don't really have any words of wisdom for you, just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you.<P>You have been and are still being very brave. It's hard to admit and realize that you can't change your H- you are the only one you can change. <P>How is your son doing?

<B>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Allison}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><P>So sorry to hear that things had to turn out this way. I don't think you've run out of bravery. I think you gave it all you had and it takes bravery as well to walk away from it all. You are not alone. Keep your head high and you will make it through this. <P>------------------<BR><B>Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Thank you, for your kind words<P>They mean the world to me. I thought maybe I'd get lectured a bit for giving up, but you didn't do that to me.<P>Just to clear up something...I didn't know about any of these affairs until 6 mos ago. I have not been fighting for my marriage for 3 years. The first one started almost three years ago.<P>Cloudy, I have not seen or spoken with my son in 10 days. I am going to try to find him today and try to get him to come home.<P>This was a family once...and I'm going to make it one again somehow. I can be their family.<P>I just pray for the strength to not do something crazy like calling her. YOu know, the other...other woman...I had no face, no voice to put with her name. This one, I know her, know her parents, her kids, her birthday, her salary. I know he called her as soon as we got back from Hawaii in February. When he passed a big exam, she knew first. In fact, the hotel he stayed in to "study" was by her home. I also know her ex husband and ex live in. I know that she abandoned her children when she had an affair, and never came back to get them. She gets visitation, because she has her own life to lead.<P>This is the person that has been counseling my husband for many many months. Of course it would seem ok for him to follow her lead. She has flitted from husband to husband to live in to affair partner all of her life. He has found someone to tell him that if it feels good it must be right. This is her code in her life...abandon and move on. Feel good at all costs.<P>When I found all the cell phone bills...he'd been calling her for months...he said that she was his friend and simply wanted him to be happy. I tried hard to believe him. Her boyfreind moved out about the same time that my husband did. How stupid am I? My husband is a master liar. Plus, I wanted to believe him so badly. All of those hang up calls I got all summer, especially on the nights that my husband would stay over...they have stopped now that he doesn't stay here anymore with me. <P>When he told me he'd admitted his affair to her I asked him what she said. My husband very sadly said, "Well, I guess she knows the kind of man I am." <P>You guys are right, it takes two to make a marriage work. There has been only one in this marriage for years.<P>I don't know why I have to write so much right now. Thank you for indulging me. I'd have gone batty if I coulnt' come here and write. <P>allison

Oh Allison,<P>Jo and I were just wondering where you were. Sounds like you have been doing alot of soul searching. I'm glad you posted here to let us know what you are thinking. I'm so sorry you feel you are out of bravery, because I can hear how strong you are about your family and yourself. I hope I can be that strong when the time comes to make a decision. Because I beleive the harleys plan is working for you, Not to restore your marriage, but to restore yourself. And not because you were a terrible person that desearved to be cheated on, but because this knocks you down. I think of it more to regain the good qualities and strenght you had early on in your relationship when being together brought out the best in each of us.<P>Even the Harleys said when I talked to them, at some point your H needs to participate in the marriage or you will give up. The plan for recovery is meant for 2. Its hard enough to recover when you both want to, but to do it alone becomes impossible after awhile.<P>Take care, I will pray for your strength,<BR>Lora<P>OK I had to edit this to say now that I have read through the posts since last night I see you have been a posting maniac through the night. Good to see you back!<p>[This message has been edited by Lora (edited November 12, 2000).]

He just admitted to me that he's been sleeping with her...went away to another state with her last weekend.<P>I've got to talk to my kids...I'm in very bad shape, so please pray for me tht I can do this in a way that will not make them hate him.<P>Please God, give me the strength to do the right thing. For my children and myself. Please don't allow me to pick up the phone and call this woman. Please take the mental images away from me...I know this ones face and it's so much harder this time. Please God, let me believe in you, because I don't know why you would let this happen when I prayed and prayed for my husband to come back to me. <P>It's Discovery day all over for me...I am wrecked. I want to roll over and die. I am sure he is on the phone with her now telling her I know everything...warning her that I may call. I can not lower myself to do that. Must be strong.<P>What kind of world is this? I don't understand any of it. <P>allison

Allison,<P>I am so very sorry to hear what you are going through. I will pray for you also that you have the strength to tell your children in the best way for them. I will pray that you have the strength not to call the OW either. I always told myself that it wasn't about the OW. It was always about my H. He was married. She was not. He had the responsibility. She did not. She will always be a symptom of the problem. Nothing more. I chose to ignore her and not validate her position in my life. She could have been anyone and is by no means special. Keep those thoughts in mind if you get the urge to call her. It would be a total waste of brain space for you. You are much better than that.

Allison,<P>Take a deep breath.<P>Don't say anything to your kids. Don't involve them in this untill he does. Let them know what is happening, but please don't judge.<P>The right thing to do is be strong, positive and fair. Let him be the bad guy. Don't you go there.<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Too Late Cooker,<P>The deed has been done. I was tired of the liar I had become. <P>They understand and had suspected all along. <BR>I hope I didn't make a horrible mistake, but as I sit here I feel I didn't. They know he loves them, the know it's not their fault. <P>I did the best I could under the circumstances. They had to know why I walk around here like a zombie and have lost 60 pounds. I know, for me, not knowing is a lot worse than knowing the truth. <P>It's just a balancing act isn't it? Sometime we have to do what our heart tells us to do. <BR>allison

Dear Allison,<P>When firestorm first confessed his affair to me last year, he told me he was involved with someone he worked with and even gave me a name. When I checked into it a bit, I found out that she had quit her job and left town, and it just seemed a bit too convenient. I actually prayed that God would reveal the truth to me because I felt that firestorm wasn't. The dreams started that night, dreams of firestorm and the OW he was really involved with. God was at work, and when I confronted firestorm, he admitted it was really her.<P>It was a woman who lives down the street and is married to a man that I grew up with and love like a brother. Both my daughter and I babysat her children. They carried on the affair right under my nose, with my husband claiming she was "like the sister he never had" and her telling me he was "the kind of friend she wished her brother was to her". How sick is that?<P>So I know about the images, and those same dreams have been reoccurring for over a year now. I am praying for you so very hard, and wishing there was more I could do to help you through this.<P>Peppermint

Allison,<P>I pray things will get easier for you & your children. Know that you are in many prayers.

Dear Allison,<P>I am so sorry that life is tough and undeservedly painful for you but in times like these, we can turn and sob our hearts out to God. "He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'" Hebrew 13:5.<P>I know deeply how hurtful the lies are, and every time you replay them and think how he could do this to you and the children, really he actually did it to himself. Becoming a liar and cheat and adulterer is surely not the life he nor his parents want him to lead. Stand back and ask God to be the judge and pray that the LORD Jesus soften his heart and by God's grace and mercy, give him a new start after forgiveness and repentance. You see, often when the WS gets tempted into such unfaithful atcs, they can't get out either because they are trapped by their own smart deeitfulness thinking this will quickly pass once they get tired of OP and want to move on, or that they become so lost because of the foothold that the devil gets in their lives as a result of the sins. Either way, they are trapped, and you can help to pray for your H to turn back to God. Commit him to God.<P>I know it really is very tough when you have to weather the pain without the repentance of WS, or even an apology (?). But you have done a lot, now let God help you, let him take over and work the miracles in your life, whether or not that involves your H.<P>I have to go now, but life is worth the living because we really are made to worship God first, not our H, not our marriage. When we put God first, all things will follow in the right order. <P>May God bless and heal you<BR>take care<BR>weep

Allison,<BR>I am one of those persons who lurk.I am not dissappointed in you.There is only so much pain we can take.<BR> I pray that God will make you a strong person.That God will give you peace and heal your heart.I pray that your H and OW will find Jesus.<BR> Love and Prayers,Beth

Allison,I believe that your gut feel is always right,I've been married for ten years,though mine has not admitted there is someone else,my gut is telling me different,I'm scared and confused,and in a great deal of pain not knowing the truth,(he says there is no one, but his actions speak otherwise,and I cant shake this feeling,have you got any insight for me.After reading your post,I belieave you'll make it,and you'll be strong.:CONFUSED:<P>------------------<P><BR>[This message has been edited by nik (edited November 13, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by nik (edited November 13, 2000).]

I've been gone for the weekend, so I missed this when it first came up.<P>Allison, you've had plenty of hugs here, and plenty of prayers. You've always had lots of good advice here, and I don't know if I have any good advice right now, so I'll just speak from my gut.<P>Allison, kick his lyin' cheatin' a** to the curb! <P>It's guys like him that make me ashamed to be a man sometimes! At least he was man enough to admit it when you confronted him. Now he should be man enough to divorce you and give you EVERYTHING. I know you're hurting now, and part of you still loves him, but dammit, this worthless lump of flesh OWES you...bigtime. You say you will be "older, wiser, and poorer..." Not with about half of his paycheck you won't! <P>Sorry to rant so much, but it just p***es me off when men do stupid things. Allison, you keep saying how you don't know if you have the strength to go on...do you really believe that? You have shown yourself to be so unbelievably strong! Three years of cheating? With how many women? If I were to give you advice now (in my angry state), I'd say pack up all his stuff, put it in a storage locker somewhere, change the locks on the house, and when he shows up, hand him the storage key and say "welcome to the new life you've made for yourself...don't forget to start saving, 'cause child support is expensive!"<P>Anyway, enough with the anger. Instead of virtual hugs and prayers, I can offer you something few other people on this board can:<P>Stop by the Famous Sam's at 43rd Avenue and Glendale. I'll be there between 7 and 10 tonight, and I'm buying! It's our station's Monday Night Football promotion, so I'll be working, but I'll be more than happy to take time out and talk about the problems we have with certain Steves! I'll be the guy in the black KMLE shirt...hope to see you there!

Hey CJack,<P>As much as I have truly appreciated all of the hugs and prayers a cold one sounds really good.<P>I'll be the one with the red eyes...LOL.<P>Thanks...I'll be there.<P>allison <BR>

Oh my God, I am so sorry for you, Allison. But the [censored] doesn't deserve you, and it takes a tremendous amount of strength and character to come out of this the way that you have. You are a great person - you have given me a lot of wonderful words of wisdom (in fact, you were the first person to answer my very first post.) You have a lot of class, and I know that you'll be okay.<P>And you will have a lot of friends who will be there for you via computer and in person here in 2 short months. Best of luck, hon. It is YOUR bravery that has inspired so many of us here.<P>Ali