Res<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

ok, I may need to run for cover after this....<P>You said that you really love and want your H back but you dont want him to know about this new man. What do you do if he comes back and you now have a realtionship with this other guy? What kind of new mess will that create for you?<P>I know that you have been dealt the crappiest hand. I am only concerned about how much more grief this could cause for you. It's just unnecessary pain. I would hate for you to have to go through more after all that has happened.<P>K gave good advice. Maybe you should do a strict Plan B for a specified amount of time and if at the end of that time you have decided your finished, go ahead and be with this new man. You do owe it to yourself not to have anymore grief in your life. Take care of yourself Jo. I will be praying for you.<P>cleo

Jo....Jo...Jo....don't hear from you in a while and look what you've been up to....Well, more power to you....oophs...need to be watching for thunderbolts...from the powers that be.<P>You know Jo nothing in my life has thrown me the way this mess with WS has...usually I am a very confident person...unruffled by just about anything. But there are people in your life who you let influence that self image because they are so important to you. Steve (Wow, there's an excellent source for character analysis..spinless WS) is one of those people to you...and what he has done has taken away a little of your foundation...shaken your self image to the core.<P>And he stands there, basking in the glow of his new "love" while you are left with the shattered remains of what you thought was you. Who do "you" have to tell you you're alright? We on MB try..but it's not the same. Who could blame you if you found someone who could give you back a little of what Steve took away. Certainly not me.<P>My only concern is if you feel you can handle this in the long run...another person in the mix...eventually Steve will find out...and I anticipate he will try to muddy the waters again...can you take being pulled in two directions at the same time...and what if you decide to give up Russell (that's my son's name)in the end because you want Steve back...Russell gets hurt.<P>Myself, I think Steve's like my H...he will never give up what he's found...until he faced with losing everything else to keep it. Some marriage situations are so different...not all of them are capable of being fixed with MB principles (as good as I think they are)...some WS just have their head screwed on backwards and can never see where they're going...only where they've been...and they think they don't like that...so they keep stumbling forward until something gets in their way or they get their heads screwed back on right. You may have started something that will put a roadblock in Steve's stumblingly path.<P>All in all I think what you do should be up to you...you have kept the faith for 1 and 1/2 years...who can decide but you when it's time to start letting go. After all commitment is a contract...and he broke his long ago. I want you to be happy again...however that may happen is up to you.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye<P>

Hi Resilient,<P>I'm further down this road so I'll give you my experience.<P>My first H had an affair and I went through much hell. Very typical stuff, just like everybody else on this board. I was devastated, hurt, broken, etc. After the counseling, the returns to the marriage, the renewed contact with OP and all the other crap, I gave up. I was divorced against my will.<P>I married again 6 years after the divorce. In between that time I attempted to date but I was like you. Still in love with my XH, low self esteem, emotionally messed up. <P>I think when you are still feeling like that you are not ready to date or for a relationship. Besides myself, I think I really hurt some fellows who did not deserve to be hurt. Nice guys, like the fellow you are seeing. It's not their fault that they really can't understand your hell. <P>The attempts at dating did not further my healing. The attention and fun only served to delay what I needed to change about myself - a temporary high. Looking back I now realize I had absolutley nothing to offer these guys emotionally; needy and greedy would be accurate.<P>Sooo, I stayed in counseling and eventually met my second H. I felt really good and healed and together when we met and married. So much so that I don't think I made it real clear to him how much infidelity had hurt me.<BR>He knew the story but I felt no need to harp on it.<P>Fast forward and H#2 is having an affair. I found MB but I just COULD NOT do it. Not these plans, not the pain, and NOT six years to heal and get my act together again (relationship wise).<P>Fast a bit forward again and I am now married to H#3. Other people can question up and down my committment to my second H, my readiness for another relationship, etc. Let them question, I could not care less.<P>For me, there was no way I was going to live infidelity again. I got myself together fast and in the process I did meet someone else. But, there was a huge difference inside myself. I was not loving my XH, I was not in terrible emotional pain and I was not hoping for recovery. He was an infidel and I did not want him, period, end.<P>I can't say if seeing someone else while in your situation is right or wrong, moral, or if it will serve your ultimate goals well.<P>I do know that I would not want to be with someone who would end our relationship if a spouse returned. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was in love with someone else. We know how much that hurts, don't we? <P>What I am saying is that when it is really right for you to be with someone else there will be little doubt in your mind. <P>While I hope your marriage survives this if that is what you want, even if it does not, you will survive.<P>Some day you will feel better and together and possibly open to a new relationship. You'll know it when you get there, it will come without questioning so much. And, it's important not to hurt others while you are on that healing journey.<P>Think about the time when you met your H and that easy, open feeling of entering into a relationship just because you really connect with the person. For me, it's like that once you heal and the emotional baggage is in its proper place. <P>Just my opinion, for all it's worth.<P>PS to Terri: That guy was a jerk !!

Hi Resilient -<P>I saw your newest thread, but figured I would respond here to carry on with this discussion. <P>I'm sorry that H didn't call you.....I know how that hurts - we want them to be their old selves so badly!!! <P>How was your day otherwise? Did you enjoy your visit with friends? Good food and conversation going on? <P>Or did you have yourself preoccupied with the "wonder what H is doing/wonder if he called" thoughts that we have all experienced so well?<P>There is only one way to stop the cycle of this Jo.....that is with changing your OWN THOUGHT patterns. It can be done - and actually, it is pretty easy!!<P>Do you remember asking me why we make this so much harder than it has to be? Well, here's a good example of how - the "why"? Well, perhaps it is reacting with emotions and not having had the practice of thinking about what is really happening and what we can do about it.....<P>Instead of thinking "Maybe H will call today cuz....." or "maybe H will serve me D papers today cuz he said blah, blah" - You stop saying "MAYBE H WILL" and start saying "H is too messed up to DO ANYTHING I would expect based on his "old self"". <P>If he actually does something that he says he will or is a nice thing to do - oops, must have slipped into his confused head - don't grasp for it - it's only a flash of reality (reality being that there is a still a man of good character in there somewhere). Only when you see a pattern of this behavior consistantly, can you put any hopeful expectations into it. <P>Why did his not calling hurt you so much? After everything that has occurred, is it really so surprising? My God, the man has been bouncing around with so much confusion and mixed behaviors for quite a while.....was it realistic of you to expect "rational" caring "old H" behavior from him? <P>This is a good example because it shows that we set ourselves up for more pain - we inflict it on ourselves....he had nothing to do with it. Not in this instance. <P>You created this pain Jo.....by projecting your desired behaviors onto him.......<P>You can't do that.....it's unhealthy for you - and it is unhealthy for your goal of a renewed relationship with him someday. You will now experience the hurt, then anger and then resentment that result from his disappointing you.<P>But HE DIDN'T - YOU did it all in your head.......He'll get the blame!! And NO he is not to blame for this instance - his real behavior has shown you that he is confused and exploring an existance apart from you. With occassional contacts and conversations. Nothing steady....nothing concrete.....just his mental chaos.<P>Do you understand? Do you see how to change some of this pain for yourself?<P>Now let's get back to this thread.....<P>You said that you feel "so damn needy and unloved"....that's cuz you don't have what you want. <P>What you have to do is figure out how to get what you want......<P>To do that you need to know what that is EXACTLY.......<P>That's why I keep asking you "What do you Want?"<P>Once you decide what that is EXACTLY - not "if this....then that" but a matter-of-fact statement - Then you need to decide HOW YOU WANT to behave on your road to getting what you want.<P>By example......for me - my statement was...."I want my husband in my life"<P>My behavior for the road that leads to that goal was.....using the knowledge and insight from MB, common sense, understanding, conscious effort and behavior modification, retrained thinking and being the kind of person I can look into the mirror at.<P>Oh shoot company.....I'll be back soon Jo.....tell me what you think so far...<P>BIG HUGS....hang in there, we can do this - and in a better way for ourselves too!!!<P>Love Ya,<P>Sheba